By Mandy, Fly Me!
Let’s face it, technology and the internet are the greatest thing ever to happen to the CDing community. Without it, the reach of Kandi’s Land would be little further than a suburb of Cleveland and those of us not living in that particular area would be sitting at home, each of us believing that we’re the only person on earth having to deal with these strange urges that engulf us.
And thanks to digital photography, we can now take endless photographs of our feminised self, free of the worries that we’ll be greeted by barely disguised sniggers from the staff at Snappy Snaps (where we were once compelled to take our rolls of film for developing and printing) who know full well that our resemblance to the rather dodgy looking woman on the photos is by no means coincidental. We’re no longer constrained by the 36 exposures allowed to us by Kodak and can now snap away to our hearts content in the knowledge that anything which fails to make us look anywhere near as good as Helen of Troy’s twin sister (something over 99% of them in my case) can be consigned to oblivion with one tap of the delete key. And those that do make the cut can then be posted online where we will surely be told that we were born to be a woman, asked about our dating status and perhaps even asked whether we would like to trade photos of ourself for those of our admirer’s wife (I have experienced all three of those but, for avoidance of any doubt, the answer for number 3 was an emphatic no!).
And, of course, it’s all tied together by our smartphone, an absolute godsend for our community as it enables the photos to be taken and ‘post processed’ (i.e. doctored to mask the worst excesses of maleness) as necessary on one of the image enhancing apps before being uploaded to the web and posted on our forum of choice. And not only that but it facilitates communication between like-minded souls who give us reassurance that, far from being unique, there are so many of us that it seems that those guys who don’t slip into a dress and heels from time to time are very much the minority.
With all the functions and apps on a smartphone, it’s all too easy to forget that its primary purpose is as a means of communication. And it was that which got me out of a very sticky situation recently. Mrs A had caught a bug and had been unable to work for a few days. Having her at home, of course, meant that my feminine side had to remain resolutely hidden away so when she announced that she felt well enough to return to work, I decided to make up for lost time and was soon dressed in my finery. However, at about 9:16am, I received a text message from a courier company advising that they were delivering a parcel imminently so I removed my breast forms and skirt and put my guy clothes over the remainder. Mercifully, I had not put on makeup because 14 minutes later, I heard a key in the front door. Mrs A had decided she was not as well as she thought she was so had come home for another day of R&R!
Yes, the internet gods were certainly smiling that day. I like to think that they were smiling because they had averted disaster by making sure that DPD not only sent that text but also that I had my phone near enough to hear the notification when it arrived and to act on it. The reality, however, is that they were not actually smiling but laughing at what they had planned for me just a few short weeks later.
In recent months, I’ve really started to get the hang of makeup application to the point where I no longer fear interacting with shop assistants and the staff at a local Caffè Nero. But because my eyesight is so bad, the only way I can properly judge my success (or otherwise) with the makeup brush is to take selfies. I learned the hard way that holding my phone in my hand just makes me look hideous and selfie sticks are no good because my hand shakes too much so I invested in a mini-tripod onto which my phone can be mounted. And, without trying to sound too self-obsessed, from a range of about 8 feet, I look half decent (or at least I look a whole lot better than I do from a range of 8 inches). So I took a few selfies and being the careful girl that I am, immediately uploaded them to Imgur, where I store all of my photos in hidden posts, before deleting them from my phone. And a few days later, I repeated the exercise, photographing myself in full makeup and wearing my pink jacket over a black dress with my highest pair of stilettos. Once again the photos were immediately deleted after uploading.
Or so I thought.
In our kitchen, we have a Google Home Hub. It’s a nifty gadget with a 7 inch touch screen on which we can control our lights & heating, watch YouTube videos, listen to music and that sort of thing. One evening, a couple of weeks after I’d taken the photos, I was in the kitchen talking to Mrs A and happened to glance at the screen to be confronted by a familiar looking female wearing a pink jacket over a black dress. Fortunately, Mrs A did not appear to have noticed it so I reached over and swiped on the screen to change the display to some other function.
There then followed some frantic Googling to find out why deleted photos were being displayed and it became quite apparent that many others had also experienced photos of a more ‘private’ nature popping up on their google devices at inopportune moments for all to see. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and what all of the others whose stories I read and I now have in common is that we know that, by default, the Android operating system helpfully uploads all photos taken to Google Photos as well as the phone’s Gallery app which, in turn, paves the way for them to be displayed on random anniversaries via Google’s ‘Memories’ functionality on any screen based device that happens to be logged into the same Google account!
If only that was an isolated incident. Perhaps I should be grateful that in January a year ago, a software glitch when using AnyDesk (an application which enables one PC to be remote controlled from another) caused my accidental ‘outing’ to Mrs A for the second time and resulted in her giving her blessing for a DADT arrangement. Were the smiles on the faces of the aforementioned internet gods because of the happy ending to that incident or evidence of sadistic satisfaction for the seven hours of emotional agony between discovery and being able to talk to Mrs A when I didn’t know whether I still had a marriage that they’d caused me? I wish I could unequivocally believe it was the former but it’s becoming evident that most of us have stories to tell about the unintended consequences of technological advancement.
For example, video doorbells are a great innovation and have all manner of features like movement detection and having the images pop up on a smartphone app built in. Great for the gadget nerd and avoiding having to answer the door to undesirables but, as Crystal recently related in her post ‘‘Tis The Season!’, not so great for getting out of the house unnoticed.
I like to think that if Mrs A had caught me fully dressed or seen the photo on the Google Home Hub, she’d have thought that, whilst she finds the whole idea of a CDing husband abhorrent, at least I do take a reasonable amount of care to look my best. Or at least I take far more care with my feminine presentation than I do at other times. But there is a more serious side to this whole issue.
Many of us rely on social media to live this side of our lives. It has enabled a community to develop and for those of us either operating under the marital radar or having to keep this side of ourselves well clear of a disapproving wife, it provides a much needed environment in which we can exchange views with other like-minded souls and generally discuss things which are very much off limits in our guy lives. The social media sites provide a platform for free speech in both senses of the word – the discussions are free of restriction and free of charge.
But, of course, nothing in life is ever free. We may not have to pay in a financial sense but we certainly pay for the privilege in other ways, most notably by relinquishing our privacy. Even Flickr, a photo sharing site that was the platform of choice for many in our community, myself included, now insists that all but 50 photos stored there must be on public view in a free account. But Meta, the owner of Facebook and Instagram, takes things to a whole new level of risk.
My male alter ego has a Facebook account and every day, at least one email arrives with a new friend suggestion. Sometimes these are friends of friends but more often than not they are random people I’ve never heard or have any known connection to. Sometimes, I can just about understand why Zuckerberg’s algorithm has matched me with that day’s suggested friend – I get quite a few who live in the same town in Italy as a group of friends I have do – and sometimes I am at a complete,loss to understand why a woman young enough to be my daughter, if not granddaughter, should be considered as a must-have friend for me by Meta. And that alone is sufficient to convince me that, as my male alter ego has a Facebook account, ‘Amanda’ has to steer well clear of anything to do with Meta. And if you think that I’m being over cautious, read Kandi’s post ‘Outed by Instagram’ from January last year.
If there is a lesson to be learned here, it’s not just that unless we are out to the world in general, we need to keep our male and female sides completely apart in the online world. The true lesson is that the moment we go online in any shape or form, we have to acknowledge that the worst may happen. Because no matter how careful we think we are, unless we do a deep dive on every app we load onto our smartphone or every website we visit or use in our feminine guise, a hidden feature on just one of them can ‘out’ us. And with apps and terms of service being regularly updated, things can change without us knowing. And let’s face it, it’s very difficult to take precautions against things we are unaware of. For example, how many of us realised that the Facebook smartphone apps record every web page we visit, not just those connected to Meta, while logged in before Apple highlighted it and put measures in place to optionally prevent it?
Even something as innocuous as email can be our downfall. I have received several emails from other CDers whose male name has been attached to their female email address, presumably because they have used the same browser or email client for both male and female accounts. And so if their male name has been disclosed to me, it doesn’t take much imagination to realise that the risk of their female name being divulged to their male contacts is comparable.
When I started writing this post, the idea of the ‘smiling assassin’ was a little tongue in cheek – the contrivance of an imaginary character to illustrate a point. But as I draw this to a close, I realise that the concept of the smiling assassin is very real to us. Whilst the ‘internet gods’ – Zuckerberg et al – may not get up in the morning hell bent on ruining lives and enjoying doing it, the fact of the matter is that they are laughing all the way to the bank with no regard for the collateral damage which the algorithms on which their whole financial model is based can cause.
I learned the hard way that I can never beat the technology. I’ve had several near misses over the years both from hidden features in apps and from my own carelessness and the only thing I can say with any degree of certainty is that there’ll be more to come in the future. Hopefully, most will be like the Google Memories incident where a quick swipe on a screen resolves things before others notice. But I know that everything I’ve been through so far may just be an overture for the ‘biggie’.
And perhaps the ‘biggie’ is inevitable, not just for me but for all of us. Nowadays, the reality is that even if we take every precaution under the sun, we may still not be home and dry. Elements of our male lives may be reported online by others and it can take a surprisingly small amount of information entered into google to enable a link to be made between our male and female worlds. And with AI and facial recognition entering the mainstream arena, our ability to keep our male and female lives separate will undoubtedly diminish, if not disappear altogether. And when that day comes, our only possible strategy will be to take a deep breath and proudly introduce whoever is on the receiving end to the woman within. Anything less would be doing a disservice to an important part of who we are.
21 Responses
Amanda,
I loved the read.
I am social media naive. And happy to be very ignorant of all the things you spoke of in this post. In this case ignorance is bliss.
What is a huge blessing for me, is Mrs J is even more anti technology than I. She has no smartphone and doesn’t use a computer. Her only means of communicating with the outside world is via a landline telephone, which only in the last 15 years was converted from rotary dial to touch tone.
But I do occasionally exchange emails and photos with a few close friends using a separate gmail account.
My preferred means of communication is meeting a friend(s) in a restaurant and exchanging hugs and talking for hours. Albeit the seven hour drive (24 hour drive for another friend) makes this an infrequent occurrence.
Now if I could only figure out what highway to take to get to London!!!!!
Love you always,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, thank you as always for sharing your thoughts. As I think you’ve realised, the further we dive into the depths of technology, the greater the risks. I love my smartphone but it’s got to the point where I’ve had to turn a lot of the notifications off because the constant sounds were just becoming stressful. And as I learned the hard way, we can only mitigate those risks that we know are present and we can only speculate about the extent to which data travelling to & from our homes is monitored and interpreted. The book ‘1984’ was once considered dystopian fantasy that could never happen in reality – nowadays it seems to have become a seminal textbook for the authorities and tech overlords!
In a perverse sort of way, though, the very same technology that has tripped me and many others up has enabled us to spread the word to others or, to put it another way – I can make all the mistakes so that others don’t have to!
But as you rightly observe, the best strategy here is to steer a wide berth from all but the most basic of technologies and enjoy life in the real world, not cyberspace!
Thank you again!
Amanda,
So much to comment on , thanks for your interesting post.
As you may know I was a professional photographer for over thirty years , so obviously I had a fully equiped studio and a full colour darkroom , we are now talking about film and not digital . Having the right camera with the correct focal length with the right lighting and then the ability to process my work was wonderful . People really don’t appreciate the huge difference in the quality a professional setup can produce compared with the quality from mobile phone selfies , the lenses are too wide angle and often the lighting unflattering , I truly miss those days before digital . I appreciate those that didn’t have that luxury had to bite the bullet with over the counter photo processing and now understand why so many embrace the new technology . Yes there is a BUT ! as you discovered that same technology can really bite you where you don’t expect it . It’s well to read the small print on many of the social media sites and online storage because you can be in for a shock when you discover what rights these companies have .
Running the gauntlet of dressing can be a nightmare at times , for the last twenty years I ran my business from home , so there was always a possibilty of a delivery and sometimes customers not giving me the courtesy of making appointments . Then on top of all I had the comings and goings of my wife and children , evenso there’s no denying our needs so we battle on to grasp a few moments to be US .
This last six years has been wonderful , I won’t say all my problems are resolved but the daily battles are behind me , I can finally face the World square on as Teresa . So I don’t need to resort to online social media , I don’t have to worry about errant pictures cropping up where I don’t expect them . Altough my problem with people ringing my doorbell has now reversed as I no longer answer the door in male mode , which means makeup and wig and the rest are essentials , for that reason I don’t get to lay-in very often , I’m usually ready to go by 9.00 am every morning .
On the point of AI technology , I’m personally worried about it’s implications . Recently when I popped in to renew my contract with EE the sales guy admitted most of them also had reservations , they’re not too happy selling the new technology . Otherwise facial recognition is now no longer a problem for me since all my documents are now issued as Teresa but I admit it took a lot of soul searching before taking that step .
Teresa, thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are in the perhaps enviable situation of having nothing to hide these days. For those of us living in some form of duality, technology is not only a minefield but more mines are being added on a near daily basis.
I did, however, recently read that a CDer trying to pay her bill at BWBG fell foul of her smartphone banking app’s facial recognition – she’d set it up in male mode but, fully transformed by the wonderful Cindy, her phone no longer recognised her to perhaps all is not completely lost.
Amanda,
I admit I’m not smart enough to use my smart phone so when people ask if I’ve got the ” APP ” I reply , ” Oh don’t they swing through trees !”
Seriously my concerns are real after I saw an ad on TV suggesting a young woman could no longer survive without her new AI phone . Another problem is who is making the AI software for the phones , will we really know where the country of origination is ? Are we going lose control of our everyday lives or much worse and if so who will be in control ?
Oh my goodness Amanda. I loved reading this. It is so spot on. I had an experience that almost blew my cover a few months ago because of this very thing when I discovered your smartphone never forgets. I gave an old phone to my little brother after I thought I’d factory reset it. He accidentally pulled up the email address of my female side when trying to set up his email on it. And even logged into it. But thankfully before snooping into it, he showed it to me and asked what this was all about. I was panicked but couldn’t deny that it was me as it had my feminine name and actual birthdate. So I made up an excuse about having a bunch of fake email addresses for trolling. But I quickly went and changed passwords, then removed Liz from all public sites and deleted those accounts. Because I discovered just a Google search of the name I use would have pulled up lots of images from my Flickr page and a few other sites I was on. Even though I got rid of those pronto, I know the internet is forever, so you never know when those images from the past might pop back up to haunt you. I don’t post any pictures publicly anymore. And thank goodness I haven’t ever used any of the big social media sites. Just having a Google account and keeping photos backed up there can get you into enough trouble. I’m not really tech savvy either and can’t say how many times I’ve wanted to destroy all my devices and go back to the stone age. These things are portals to hell if we’re not careful. And in my cynicism, I imagine the tech billionaires that own those algorithms are cackling everytime a life is ruined because of it. Still in this day and time it’s practically impossible to do your work or get by without them. Thank you for those thoughts. And thank goodness for the renewed sanity I feel every time I visit Kandi’s land.
Liz, thank you for adding to the discussion and sharing what must have been a pretty mortifying experience with your old phone. In the end, it’s just plain scary the amount of havoc that the devices we put so much trust in can wreak if we take our eye off the ball for even just a split second.
For me, the most important lesson in all of this was to realise that no matter how careful I am (or, to be more precise, I think I am), I’m going to slip up at some stage. That realisation isn’t going to prevent it happening but it does at least enable planning for the inevitable. The sad thing, though, is that we still have to hide away.
And I love your ‘portal to hell’ description of devices – so true!
Well Amanda after reading your post all I can say is I’m glad that pretty much everyone I care about knows about Trish. The only exceptions are probably my nieces and nephews but I don’t know if that’s accurate either. There parents know about Trish so some of them probably do to.
I am not even close to being a techie type of person but I do know our pictures are out there on the world wide web. Just for giggles I went on google and typed in Trish White Trans girl and, wow, was I surprised. I was every where, pics from Kandi’s Land, pics from Flickr, pics from Crossdresser Heaven and on and on. So as I said at the start, I’m glad everyone knows about Trish but even if they didn’t none of them know my full female name and if they saw Trish they would never recognize her as my male self. So I’ve given up worrying about it. If I’m outed well this is who I am. You can take her or leave her, it makes no difference to Trish.
Have a great upcoming weekend Amanda, luv ya 💖
Trish, I love your attitude! In the end, I think that we all have something to be proud of in the way we portray this side of ourselves and the implied respect we show for women in general through our presentation. I can only speak for myself but ‘Amanda’ is far more presentable than her evil twin and I think that those who know me would be shocked, not only because I scrub up reasonably well but because the contrast is so great between my two sides.
I’m obviously not as ‘out’ as you are but I no longer personally fear being outed. For me, the main thing is to ensure that it remains well clear of Mrs A’s orbit (unless she pulls a sickie and comes home unannounced!) and that alone is the driver of any fears I have regarding the technology.
Amanda,
Like Trish, I’m out to almost everyone I know so this type of problem regarding the trans me is not a big concern. However, the invasion of privacy aspects of all this technology bother me greatly. I will never allow things like Alexa and Siri into my home and have no use for anything “smart” connected to the net. Who needs smart refrigerators or coffee makers? All of it can be hacked. I have a very nice 56″ OLED television that I made sure wasn’t smart when I bought it. And I never do any financial transactions or have any financial information on my iPhone. I also stay away completely from Facebook because it can be so damn intrusive.
Fiona, I know what you mean. Unfortunately, my evil twin is ‘gadget guy’ who would have the whole house ‘tricked out’ given half a chance (and a far greater budget than is actually available!). But the danger of the tech inadvertently ‘outing’ me is not lost on me – we have a plug in camera that we bought to keep an eye on our (now sadly departed) pet fish while we were away but can’t use it now because I have a feeling that my kids still have the app to stream from it on their phones!
And as for your telly – it may not have been smart when you bought it but are you sure it hasn’t developed that functionality since?!! With all of this AI and robotics stuff going on, pretty well anything’s possible these days!
But there is a serious side to this – we’re old enough to realise the risks but my kids, who are 24 & 19, have never known anything different and to them, all of the technology is taken for granted. My daughter in particular seems to view the number of Instagram followers she has (which I believe is far greater than the number of real world friends she has) as a badge of honour but whether she’s given much thought to the fact that she’s essentially sharing her life with strangers. In this day and age it takes surprisingly little information in a google search to reveal the ins and outs of a person’s life.
Amanda, you mentioning your daughters followers on Instagram reminded me of my youngest boy and Facebook. I was on it one day and he said geez Dad you don’t have very many friends I’ve got 150 so I said yes my son but my facebook friends really are friends. 🤣
I know what you mean – despite both of my kids having phones, neither of them are capable of actually using them to call their friends! Everything has to be done via Instagram or WhatsApp messaging, many of which seem to go unanswered. Probably explains why I had a far more vibrant social life when I was their age!
Fiona, after reading your reply, I love you! You and I should be roomies 😆. One day at work some people were talking about their “smart homes” so I piped in and said “ well my house is about as dumb as it can get and that’s how it’s staying”. We don’t do internet banking either. When it comes to all this smart stuff I really believe it’s all about dumbing down the population.
Amanda
Another nice article.
I have been very concerned about my internet footprint for many decades. Never joined any on-line group like Facebook, no Flicker, etc. I don’t have a Smart phone and don’t want one. My flip phone is again hip…LOL. I have no ‘listening devices’, such as Alexa or Siri, don’t want them. Who knows who’s also listening? And don’t get me talking about the ‘cloud’. Who has access to that stuff.
And then this week it was disclosed the Incognito only keeps the websites you visit off your machine’s history, but they (Google) have been keeping the data.
I have been quite on CD sites after being a moderate on a site for years. I have several email accounts, but they are all professional, including my domain. I know I need to get ‘Cali’ her own email soon; maybe her own domain. I rarely show my face on any posted photo. I am aware of the implications of Facial Recognition and what AI will soon be able to do.
My concern about AI is twofold. First, I am concerned that my intellectual property can or is being stolen. I have worn many hats; one is an author. As such, my publishers have filed several class action lawsuits involving AI.
Second, at work I just help start an AI study group to understand how AI will affect our ‘industry’. (I also did it to figure out how I can determine what AI has stolen from me.)
Bottom line, we must all be concern what can happen on the internet and with AI.
Cali, your thoughts are spot on, I think. We have to assume that the worst will happen and, to use a metaphor, the only way we can avoid being up to our neck in quicksand is not to go near it in the first place. I singled out Meta and it’s very easy to think of Zuckerberg as ‘Public Enemy Number One’ but, in truth, our biggest potential enemy is our own arrogance. I’ve known a couple of girls who say that it’ll never happen to them because they’re too careful. I got caught out by a software feature on an application completely unconnected with my CDing which really blows any argument of invincibility out of the water.
As you rightly observe, the only sure fire way of avoiding problems with places like Facebook is to not go anywhere near it in the first place.
Amanda,
I have posted as well about the hidden dangers of tech, and I remain slightly stressed by the need to monitor it. As you say, facial recognition is the game changer. The commercial versions are very powerful and readily available. If one of us walks into a retail store these days, it is likely that there’s a camera that is recording who is visiting the store (i.e. the male side of us).
A quick anecdote of my own. I had loaded Zoom on my iPhone so that I could use it with my women’s book club while traveling. I was out of town on holiday, and needed to join a work Zoom call, and without thinking about it, used my iPhone to join the call. Someone on the call said, “who is Lisa, and why is she on this call? Fortunately, I had not engaged the video function, and had joined only with audio without yet announcing myself. I quickly ended the call, change the profile appropriately, waited a few minutes, and then rejoined (late) as my other self. No one seemed to be the wiser, but who knows?
As you say, there are many ways that technology can trip us up. At some point, we have to be comfortable that being ourselves is more important than avoiding detection.
Lisa
Lisa, thanks for sharing your experience – having had my own ‘oh s*!7’ moments (mercifully not on Zoom, though) I can well understand how you felt when you realised!
The strange thing is, though, no one would probably have cared if they’d known the truth. I’ve read a couple of accounts by girls who have outed themselves to colleagues and the reaction that one got, when showing a photo of herself in her finery, was an invitation to go out on the basis that she looked far more fun to be with than her male alter ego!
In the end, the question has to be when are we at the point where we have to admit that we’re fighting a losing battle? We can take every precaution under the sun, steer clear of anything to do with Meta et al and be meticulous in the way we run this side of our life but, increasingly, the potential for links to be made between the two halves of our life is being taken out of our hands – common IP addresses when accessing emails in both our male and female personas, facial recognition and so on. We can only hope that attitudes towards us continue to improve so that when that day comes, it’s no big deal if our inner woman is revealed.
Lisa/Amanda ,
I hadn’t deeply thought about facial recognition , when Lisa mentioned the moment we walk into a store we are being tracked , I guess the new technology will know every move we make and every item we check out and immediately message us offering us a deal if we make an immediate purchase . OK for me but not so good for those shopping with wives or partners , of course the implications go much deeper even if we personally haven’t jumped in with the latest tecnology we will still be caught in the net , does it really render the data protection act toothless and obsolete ?
Teresa, there is a key principle here and that’s that the Data Protection Act does not, and could not, prohibit the creation of data – it merely governs how it is stored, used and accessed so, at a fundamental level, providing a business has the right registration which fully covers its activities, then it’s operating within the law. Even something like a loyalty card (in the UK Tesco Clubcard or Nectar) can build a profile of the customer and, of course, consent is part of the signup procedure.
As with everything, the law is having to play catchup as technology evolves and, by the time the downsides are identified, it’s almost always too late to do anything about it. Pretty well anywhere we go uses CCTV these days and, for this, it’s sufficient for a business to put up a sign saying it’s in use (and register its usage with the Information Commissioner’s Office). From a business perspective, there are strong arguments that facial recognition is a force for good in helping to keep the undesirables out and whilst its usage will undoubtedly be subject to controls, it’s never going to be outlawed. And then it just becomes another potential banana skin for the CDing community to slip up on like all of the other ones we have to navigate around.
Amanda,
It’s the whole feeling that our privacy is being eroded from all directions and we have little control in the process , modern technology feels like the tail wagging the dog ! Our choices have been turned on their head instead of being asked to opt into something we have to find the small print to find how to opt out .
Depending who is using the technology decides who are the undesirables , even with my change of name and corresponding passport I realise I have become an undesirable in certain parts of the World .