In a world where transphobia, ignorance, and hostility lurk everywhere—online, in politics, and daily life—it’s tempting to fight fire with fire.
But here’s a reminder: Don’t become that which you hate.
As a transgender person, I’ve felt the sting of discrimination. Misgendering erodes your sense of self. Hateful comments question your existence. Systemic barriers make authentic living an uphill battle.
In those moments of pain, it’s easy to lash out. We mirror the bitterness back—generalizing groups as inherently transphobic, or hurling venom at trolls.
I’ve seen this in our community too. We rail against bigots’ exclusion, yet gatekeep others as “not trans enough” based on appearance, transition, or identity.
We despise misinformation spreaders, but sometimes twist facts in debates. This hypocrisy doesn’t empower us—it drags us into the same toxicity, leaving us exhausted and divided.
What if we chose differently? Let’s rise above.
Respond with education and empathy, even when exhausting. The burden shouldn’t fall on us, but it often does.
Share stories vulnerably to build bridges, not walls. Live authentically and kindly. Embrace all trans experiences without judgment.
Our strength is in resilience, not retaliation. Transform pain into advocacy that uplifts everyone.
Have patient talks with allies. Support trans youth compassionately. Amplify marginalized voices, like trans people of color or non-binary folks.
True change comes from anchoring to our values. Honor humanity—for ourselves and others. This protects our well-being and creates positive ripples.
For me, this isn’t theory. I’ve slipped up, let anger cloud judgment, then reflected and recommitted. It’s ongoing, but worth it.
What about you? If you’re trans, non-binary, genderqueer, or an ally, have you teetered on that edge? Or risen above with impact? Share below—your experiences matter. Let’s discuss kindly. 💙
Dr. Gwen Patrone
4 Responses
Gwen, your recent run of posts have been your best ever and this one was no exception.
You’re spot on with what you say but I would take things a stage further. Whilst transphobia exists, we’ve now extended the definition to cover any opinion that differs to ours. We interpret any pushback as hostility and see ignorance as an opportunity to indoctrinate, not educate. We rightly make our voices heard when others threaten us with abuse, harm or even death and yet happily issue threats of ‘cancellation’ or even death to those who voice their concerns.
‘But that’s only a tiny radical minority of our community and not me’ we protest but how many of us ever speak out against it, even under the cloak of anonymity that an internet alias affords us? We’re more likely to use that anonymity to unleash a torrent of abuse against the very sector of society we aspire to be a part of – women – by referring to any we disagree with as a bigot, transphobe or TERF. I’m sure that JK Rowling, Kellie-Jay Keen (aka Posie Parker) et al are unmoved by the insults but how many other women see the abuse hurled their way and form negative views of us as a result?
And you have rightly highlighted the ‘holier than thou’ attitiude from within. Every time I step out into the world, I have two aims; the first is to be the best I can possibly be and show respect to women in the way I present and behave in their company. And the second is to be the best possible ambassador to our community. That should be all that matters to others within the community and yet, more than once, others have sought to pass negative judgement on my ‘transgender’ status (or lack thereof) because I’ve used the ‘wrong’ words, don’t intend or need to transition or hold opinions that straddle what is an increasing divide between those within the community and the rest of society.
I wish I could say that I don’t care what others think but the truth is that I do, particularly when that judgement comes from within. It makes me seriously question whether I belong or whether i’m just a ‘pretender’ for want of a better word. And yet when I step into the outside world, I have no such concerns. Those who have every right to hold different views to mine show me respect, love and acceptance, things not always present in a community where we should speak as one.
Thank you once again for being prepared to speak out on these issues.
Gwen,
I’m going to be totally honest by saying I don’t have any of these problems in my everyday life as Teresa , in making that statement I have to consider why ? What am I doing that’s so different to many other transgender people ?
I’ve used words in the past like freedom and honesty , yes I am free to to be totally honest with myself , I don’t have to look over my shoulder I don’t have to consider what family and friends think , so is that aprt of the problem with others , are they still shackled enough to keep looking over their shoulder and explain their actions ? Living in that situation can make people sensitive ( over ? ) and defensive leading to overreactions and misunderstandings . We must also consider we are a vulnerable minority , a group that is easier to bully and coerce , the butt end of jokes on the one hand and extreme violence on the other , with very little official support .
Sometimes our community have ourselves to blame , I want to comfortably live within society but some don’t . While in the West we do have a free society it doesn’t mean it’s always a caring acceptable one , to coexist we must respect other members of society , we must respect their legitimate fears as they should respect ours . Our communtiy can’t help ourselves without some support from govenments but as most of us have found their policies are as changeable as the wind , we are promised so much until it proved too much of a hot potato , then we get dropped in the **** .
Amanda mentions a list of objectors , I still need to be convinced they are speaking for all CIS women or it’s more of a political gesture , I won’t name names but what do some of these very powerful people actually get out of the trouble they cause ? I will add some of their ideas are not acceptable by all CIS women , we do have many allies , that is what I have personally discovered . They accept me because I go out as Teresa not a transgender person , the conversations haven’t happened after eight years . The important point is I have found ME , I’m so comfortable with that it wears off on others , I will also add that I don’t say this as a put down . Evertime I read other members stories I feel their needs because I’ve lived them all I can do is show them what life can be like if the right circumstances arise SO never give up , don’t go back into the closet try and educate the people that matter around you .
Being transgender is for LIFE , you can purge that outer shell but inside it will never leave you .
I remember my father telling me about the 2 things you dont discuss in a bar. They were religion and politics. I don’t know if ones sexuality and or genetic status should be added today. I think that It really depends on who your talking to. Im 77. I don’t drink alcohol because of my diabetes, so I don’t go to bars much. Also im not living enfemme like I think I would like. My family has always been my 1st priority. I envy others that are living the way they want. We all have different situations.
Have a Happy Holiday.
Terri M,
I well know Irish comedian ( Dave Allen ) ended his shows by saying , ” Goodnight , God bless and may your God go with you ” . That’s as far as I would talk about religion because we all have our own version of God , it’s what you chose to believe in . As for talking politics , again I knew a guy who summed up who we choose to vote for by saying , ” forget it because they all pee in the same pot !”
In normal conversation sexuality and gender aren’t usuall talked about , not because they’re taboo subjects but because they are private to you , most people respect that . I did get into a very ineresting coversation some years ago at my art group , at the end of the session some of us would meet up for lunch , we asked one guy and he replied by saying , ” no thanks my husband is picking me up for lunch ” We all glanced at each other . At the next session a divorcee in her thirties asked the guy and me about our gender and sexuality , at that time I had just decided to attend the sessions as Teresa so she knew my situation . She was intrigued because the none of us knew about the guy’s sexuality until he mentioned his husband on the other hand everyone knew about my gender change because I had to dress to show society that I was transgender . The World has moved on with acceptance with homosexuality because most of the time it remains hidden but the World may stuggle with transgender because we have to display how we feel .
That art group was a wonderful way to transition because we shared an interest in art , it took a very short time to gain acceptance , only one person in the group wouldn’t accept it at first but when he realised no one else had a problem he soon joined in .