Finding My Truth Within

By Maddie Smith

The trigger for this piece was Dr. Gwen’s recent post on finding the truth within. I guess the fact is we all have the answers for most things within us (sadly excluding the question of next week’s lottery numbers though …) and we just need to analyse and deal with things. Sometimes it takes an article like Dr Gwen’s to kick us up the proverbial to remind us. That said, my problem has always been over analysing …

When I read it though, it made me see even more the distinctions that are becoming obvious to me as I learn more, and converse more, with a wider range of people. And it is this; there is a clear difference between those with dysphoria, at whatever level, (group one), and the rest that have a feminine side they want to express (group two). I could be wrong, but I seem to be seeing more people realising they are in the second group.

It also seems to me that those in the latter group seem to work out faster than anyone that they are in their happy place and don’t need chemicals or surgery to change that. That would include contributors here too, based on their profiles. They are clearly comfortable with where they are.

However, once you recognise that clear distinction, things get a lot murkier. I really feel for those searching for their ‘truth within’ and needing to find their place. I can’t imagine that pressure. And for those in camp two, having to hide everything from a partner, or live with a disapproving one, would be so difficult. And, thanks for asking, I’m in camp two. Maddie didn’t even exist until a little over two years ago and it was my partner that discovered her within me. That’s another whole story (with a moral for those new to this too).

While Dr. Gwen has group one in hand, a conversation I’ll never be sufficiently skilled to contribute to, I’m definitely getting a better understanding of group two. Or maybe I’ve just over-analysed myself …

So, with that in mind, what follows is something I wrote for another site a year or so ago. The vast majority of the members there were transgendered, from those just starting HRT to those who had been through the entire process.

The crux of it was that most members of the site had no understanding of cross dressers or what made them tick. This was an attempt to explain some of it from my own unique position.

That site is no-longer live, and to be honest I clashed with the organizer. That’s because her idea that SEO and clicks was what mattered, and mine that we all have a place and a valid opinion, didn’t quite gel. Which seems to be the polar opposite of Kandi’s outlook, from what I’ve seen here so far. To be honest, those people didn’t understand cross dressers. They were dealing with dysphoria. I’m not. And I’d suggest the majority here aren’t either. And that does colour how you view the world.

What follows has been rewritten a bit to get rid of all the trans-centered key words (aimed at getting better SEO) and to make it more relevant for this more mixed audience.

Just remember that from the opening statement, this was written for an audience who, mostly, were transitioning –

To be honest, most of the time I feel like a fraud on this site.

I guess that’s a heavy opening statement so best I explain myself a bit better.

And since I have a bad habit of over-analyzing things and because writing words is one of the things I do, mixing both is bound to lead to some interesting conclusions …

First, I’m a guy. I’m always going to be a guy, I’m never going to use hormones to look less like a guy, and most of the time, now I’ve made the big step of removing a beard I had continuously for more than 30 years I’m still likely to have it back, or at least stubble. Most days I’m still in shorts and a tee shirt. I’m never going to be with a guy, or want to be, and I’m in the best hetero relationship of my life because I found ‘the one’. How that feels is a complete topic of its own! I wish everyone could feel this way.

But I digress.

I’m never going to have to face the issues trans girls do. And maybe that’s the cause of my feelings. Because I don’t have to face those issues, do I belong here? I’m sure, and let’s be honest, some of you would indeed think that I don’t. At least subconsciously. And I probably wouldn’t argue with you.

Maybe though, (and bear with me here for a bit) because I am different to most of you, this is where I have an advantage. I can be on the outside looking in. I can see the similarities you all share, by that I mean those of you genuinely trapped in the wrong body and doing something about it. There is a sameness about your situation that confirms the reality of the lives you share, and the friendships you create with each other, (at a level I will never be able to be part of) and it opens so many emotions for me. They range from joy watching your progress, happiness when I see snippets of contentment from you, fury when I hear about the reactions you get, and pride when I watch you take another step, probably one that not long ago would have been outside your comfort zone.

On the other side though, while I can work you girls out to a certain degree because of your similarities, you know little about me or anyone else like me because we are all different. Some differences are subtle, some not, but different, nevertheless.

I hate names and pronouns. The whole range of them (about 57,000 it seems last I tried counting) does my head in. I also don’t like false people. Which brings me to crossdressers for want of a better name. There are already attempts on this site to analyze them and work out why people hate them. I have no idea how you can do that when no two are the same. And to be honest, few share their non-femme image so already that is different to most here. But is that CD you see into dressing for sexual reasons? Or are they dealing with some trauma? Or exploring another side? Or are they someone that is the same as you but not yet ready to take the next step to being the woman they want to be? There are so many possibilities. And I can’t answer any of those questions.

So let me tell you about me. At least I know those answers. But just be aware that I’m probably unlike the next CD you talk to. I know this because I know I’m different to the few CDs I consider to be my friends.

It seems many go back to their childhood; dressing in mother’s / sister’s clothes, willingly or unwillingly. In my case I only have sketchy memories. I can remember doing that but only by way of the exploring child, not the person I recognize as different. And worse, any such thoughts would have been regressed quickly as we watched the kids, mostly we now recognize were gay, get mercilessly teased. You didn’t want to be on the receiving side of that … And the poor kid who was worst teased is dead now. I wasn’t one of those bullies, the kid in question was a friend, but I didn’t do enough. We were aged in single digits and that was 50 years ago. Sure, it still happens but not to that level, although I’d argue social media is worse …

I guess I had the usual questions as a teen, but to be honest that was just the teenage finding your way stuff. I was into sports, not heels …

The first time I can remember an interest was in my early 30s. I’d started a business and we had our first computers and (dial-up) internet. I just had this thing in my head that I really wanted to see how I could look as a female. I had no idea then why that was my thinking. I looked at transformation places and decided one day I must find a way to visit one and do that. But that was it, the thought was nothing more than being able to see how I would look and just for me. And I moved on, only occasionally revisiting it.

And so, another 2.5 decades went past with no more interest in the topic. Then I met someone.

Just to briefly digress once more, I’ve loved, been in love and known some great women, but when you find the one, and really truly love someone to the level it hurts, and they love you the same way, well, actually, you can’t explain it. Nothing else matters any more.

But back to me! A bit over a year ago a series of interconnected incidents happened. I won’t detail those but during that period it was like a light had been switched on. No, let me rephrase that, a huge, zillion candlepower spotlight. While N spotted it first, we both recognized that in fact there was actually a feminine side that I had always had. It was internal, not external.

That of course led to the inevitable research and questioning, and it wasn’t until I spotted something by another girl who described herself as two-spirit that it all fell into place. And while I understand the significance of that for the first people of America, and I’ve read much about it, they are just going to have to share it with me because there is no better description I can find.

Over the following weeks everything just seemed to fall into place, as has every part of our lives since N and I got together. I quickly realized how lucky I was being able to share this side of me. Seems I was in the 0.5% of people who had that level of support. It quickly became clear that there was nothing sexual about it, well there always is I guess but that wasn’t what it was for me; discussing panties at length with other CDs wasn’t me, I was all about learning more about my femme side and wondering how she would look. And trying to be a better person.

There was one amazing incident that showed just how in tune N and I are. We were lying in bed talking one night and I said my femme side needed a name. I told her I already had one in mind, but did she have any ideas? She said Maddie. The name I had chosen? Madison …

Now that would be unbelievably incredible except that we are so in tune with so many things it was just another. But it is a very special one.

I also got to meet online and talk to others. That only confirmed that I was in a different space to most of you. And I’m good with that. I know how I feel, what I want and have no problem or embarrassment with going there. (I think I found my truth inside Dr. G!)

Then there are other things that have a different significance when thought of from this new position. For example, a few years back I had a business meeting with a woman widely known in my industry for having transitioned a few years prior. Some of my staff contracted to her too and we had some potential business opportunities to discuss. The meeting was at a very large public café used by many people I knew. Some were surprised I’d take such a meeting there and be seen with her; yep just the attitudes you girls live with every day. I had no problem with it in any form whatsoever. And while she was in no way passable, she was real. I guess my attitude and position had already been formed.

Another one was just before our last lockdown. We went to a weekend market. The seller on one of the stalls was clearly trans, not a crossdresser, and not someone testing the waters. Signs and neon lights wouldn’t have made it any more obvious. But, N, who is as bright and astute as any woman I know, didn’t realise until well into talking to her on the stand. Yet I picked that up instantly. Interesting …

So, now over a year in from my ‘discovery’, what’s the end game? The answer will also show my difference to most of you.

I have always enjoyed going out clothes shopping etc with N. Wasn’t that a sign I missed …. But now it can be about me too. Hell, Maddie has a wardrobe. And wigs. And shapewear of course! I spend far too much time looking at fashions and things to buy. Mostly they are wrong but that’s the learning curve.

It doesn’t worry me if I’m not dressing all the time. The planning is part of the fun! Most days I wear panties. Again, not for any sexual reason but mostly because they are just so damn comfortable. I always have my nails done – it’s my project, to find something that looks really good that most guys would never notice, but that pushes the boundaries and most women would notice. I’m getting close. (actually, I’ve since found it!) While experimenting with nails I crossed the line and that is the reason my BFF and I had to have ‘the conversation’. And, my skin is the best it’s ever been, which has been commented on.

N and I have had a makeover /makeup lesson (several now) together. It was a great 4 hours and the artist is now a firm friend. She is doing the next one at our place and staying for dinner. That’s the side of letting Maddie out that I really love. The people!

So, the end game. Sorry ladies, for me it is being able to pass. I want to go out in public, blend, go shopping, have coffee, all shared with N and then go home again. If I could live that part of Maddie a dozen times a year, I’d be a happy girl. The rest is teaching myself makeup, dressing, talking to you lot and all the other components that make up the whole. And the rest of the time I’m back to spirit one.

Another area I feel different to others I chat to, is that I don’t want to meet or socialize with lots of local CDs. That part of me is for me. Conversely, I’d love to go out with you lot! Dressed or not. Maybe because I feel a better connection, just as I would much prefer to go out with a bunch of GGs. I think that’s because I see trans as real and genuine. And when I let spirit two loose I feel like one of the girls.

So, there you go, analyzed and torn to pieces and I still feel like a fraud compared to most of you girls!

But in the end, I’m ok with that. I’m just me and I am comfortable with where I’m at and where I’m headed. I won’t be like the next CD you talk to; in fact I barely fit the traditional (if there is such a thing) CD box based on what I see and read. So, I still can’t tell you about CDs. All I can tell you about is me and how I think and feel and how happy I am to have an increasing number of you as my friends.

So, a year on I think what I wrote is relevant and is where I’m still at. Only a select group know about Maddie, my fiancé, BFF, makeup artist and brow girl. And that’s all I need, although I’d be happy to share with any other GGs wanting to do makeup or go shopping. I don’t feel any need to be part of a group of other CDs or support network. I enjoy the company of GGs best. That said, I’d LOVE to go to one of the events you girls have in the US. That would be fun! Maybe one day. I do love communicating one on one with like-minded people. (If any of you want to, my email address is listed ion the Contributor’s page). I’ve made good friends that way (although some move away, the pressures of work and time zones I think, although the important ones last).

And I’ve learnt a few things. One is to NEVER drift to the subject of religion in any conversation with someone in the US! Or gun control! I’ve learnt I am never going to look how I see Maddie in my head without losing 20kgs. I’ve learnt makeup but I need heaps more practice. I’ve learnt I’m getting close to being able to go out in public. N and our makeup artist assessed me at 95% there, after our last session. A bit optimistic but a sign progress is being made. I’m learning what clothes work (there’s rather a large pile that don’t …)

And finally, I’ve learnt there are wonderful people in places like this. And that is priceless.

Yes, Dr G, I’ve found my truth within!