Right off the start, the above question has nothing to do with my gender and/or my gender presentation. Nothing is “wrong” with me there. I am who I am, it is what it is, I walk out the door very often and get probably 99.9% positive feedback in the REAL world.
What I increasingly dislike about myself is the draw I have to social media. I have four platforms: here, Flickr, Facebook and YouTube. Beyond that, I generally don’t go anywhere else. I used to frequent a few CD/TG forums but have thankfully broken those habits. I am not 24/7 on social media, which is something I am proud of. Yet I still feel the need to check feedback a few times a day. I still post often. I still let what is in reality meaningless, bother me.
I have said this often and I believe it. I am “this way” for a reason. Not why I am, I have no idea how that happened. No one abused me, I have no gender dysphoria, no one “forced feminized” me. But why? This has been with me for my entire life, I have vague memories from as early as four or five, wearing a dress I believe by choice. It has never left me; it has haunted me in many ways and has shaped and driven how I live my life. It has also brought me many highs and allowed me to meet so many amazing humans I would not have otherwise.
Yet I cannot be completely open about it. I am tremendously proud of myself and at times, ashamed. I have made cis friends, trans friends, CD friends, ally friends, pickleball friends, I have lifelong “male me” friends. I am blessed beyond words to have an amazing family. But the restlessness never leaves me, and “this” always permeates. There is never a single day without some element of it, be it certain items of clothing or a “tune up” with the razor in the shower. I know that it is the driving force behind my abuse of alcohol. No question and that will eventually kill me one way or another. This I have to get a handle on if for no other reason than I am getting really tired of feeling like garbage for the first hour of my day, every day, or most.
I like to think I am this way to help others. I have made it my life’s mission over the past 10 – 15 years. To be an example. To spread kindness. To lend a hand. I volunteer for at least 20 organizations of various missions, many LGBT based, many not. I walk the walk, not just talking the talk.
My mission is to contribute that single grain of sand on the Saraha Desert that is our society. I connect friends with other good people. Yet I don’t get the same respect back from them or get thought of as I think about others. Maybe I am the fool, thinking selflessness should be the norm, when selfishness actually is. What is wrong with me?
Why do I give a shit about a👍or a❤️or a 😄 or a “dude” or a “that’s a man”? I am tempted to fire back, as these morons are seeing me in their feeds for a reason, the algorithm doesn’t lie and it is impartial. But I resist, block them and delete their nonsense. And I want to be clear; I get so little of this as compared to many sisters. But it still gets under my skin.
How can I make a difference without all this societal bullshit? Better yet, do I even make a bit of difference? Do I matter? Does it matter? All I know with the ultimate certainly are my rules of the road. Being smart is essential and factors heavily into personal safety. Being appropriate is necessary to navigating the REAL world. Confidence is a must and if we are not visible, nothing ever changes.
What is wrong with me? Nothing and everything.
Do I make a difference? Absolutely and not one bit, shit still happens, hate rules.
The grand conclusion, life is so rich and so vile, as things can be two things at once. Thankfully, for me, REAL world life has been so rich. I will continue trying to avoid the vile stuff.
