By Teresa H.
It’s been a few years since I told my mother the whole story, she surprised me by taking it all on board and very quickly defending me against other family members. Despite being in her mid-nineties she still cooks a Sunday lunch for my sister and me so I pop down to my old home town every two weeks to have lunch with them both. I also do some tidying in her garden and mow the lawn, last time she announced her grandson C and his girlfriend N would be joining us. I had a feeling she was forewarning me as I’ve met C before but not his girlfriend. As I was finishing the lawn two Dachshunds came to see me, I didn’t realise C and N had dogs but it wasn’t a problem. I usually take an old T-shirt and jeans while I’m working in the garden so I met C quickly before changing into a smarter top and skirt. Then I met N, she was lovely and we soon hit it off chatting about Cornwall because she was born there so I related a holiday I’d just returned from. We all enjoyed lunch before the couple said their farewells and headed off to the cinema.
So fast forward to the current Sunday lunch, during a conversation my sister asked my mother if she had told ” HER” the latest news, the news wasn’t that important but what was the fact she referred to me for the first time as “HER or SHE”. This is the first time she had ever designated my gender, while I can’t be certain I have strong feeling that C and N had talked about me and my situation, especially N. So what was said? I may never get an answer and it’s probably not a good idea to ask I guess just be grateful my acceptance keeps growing.
9 Responses
Teresa,
It is good to hear your sister and her children are accepting of you.
Jocelyn
Jocelyn,
It’s not all good news as her younger son refuses to meet me , I remain philosophical about his decision . Sometimes we must consider it’s not always about us it’s possible we may touch a nerve in other people they may have an undisclosed secret , it’s really his problem to get over and not me . He has three adult daughters , I haven’t met them yet but my mother assures me they don’t have a problem with me .
Being full time is a commitment other people should respect , if they don’t value you as the person you choose to be then it’s a loss you have to accept , there’s no future in trying to appease them .
Teresa, I think that is quite an insight. Years ago when I was much younger i would have outwardly been about as homophobic and transphobic as a person could be, while inwardly for as long as I could remember secretly longing and wishing I could be a girl. It was definitely a coverup to hide my own insecurities. And now when the subject comes up around those who know nothing about my fem side, I generally keep mum. I hate being a hypocrite and think it’s much easier to keep my mouth shut than to agree with or talk bad about people when deep down inside, I know that’s me they’re talking about. I’m still too deeply closeted and maybe too much of a coward to be a able to defend this way of life with friends and finally whose religious convictions could never allow for it. And I don’t hold it against anyone, but I’m so grateful for the love, kindness and support that is shown here on this site. I’ve always admired you living openly as your true self and think it’s wonderful that most of youre friends and relatives accept it if not embrace it.
Elizabeth,
It’s quite ironic now as I carefully cover up any male connections , I don’t talk about that side of my life as so many now only know me as Teresa . There is a down side as some people are never spoken of , after a few mishaps and raised eyebrows I don’t mention having a wife anymore but lets not forget after her counsellor suggested losing me was like a bereavement she started telling people I’d died .
Please never consider yourself a coward , you care about other people , inside you know the truth , Elizabeth is part of your life and that will never change no matter what other people think or say .
What a beautiful and heart warming recounting of your lunch wih your family. I can’t imagine how wonderful that must have been for all of you and what a special moment for you Teresa. ❤️
This brought back so many memories of when him became her to my family. The day my sister in law addressed me as Faye ( she was my biggest obstacle regarding acceptance) was so lovely.
Your account touched me deeply.
Trish/Faye,
I must admit I never thought she would accept me she wasn’t very impressed when I announced I’d officially changed my name even when I pointed out I could now travel with the correct passport .
Faye,
My sister in law has supported me from the start , she dropped in to see me to sort my furniture and met me for coffee . There isn’t a name problem as I adopted the female version of my male name , it means I never have to correct . Again there is a problem as her husband he also chooses not to see me as Teresa , that surprised me as he was always very supportive of my gender issues .
Teresa,
A wonderful moment of acceptance. I am applauding. I’m not quite there yet with my own sister. She doesn’t want to see me in person, but at least yesterday she let me send her a recent photo.
There is no doubt family is especially hard. It is hard for them to let go of their expectations of us. When they finally do, it is like they are setting us free from a trap!
May you continnue to see progress across your entire family
Lisa
Lisa,
I hope you finally make it with your sister , there really is no easy way all you can do is just be you . It’s easy to fall into the trap of being ambiguous which could be a mistake , she’s expecting to see a woman but not an OTT one . I wore my usual makeup and a knee length skirt with a nicely fitting Tshirt .
Family is the tricky one , I totally agree both sides are trapped with old expectations but it’s even harder escaping what you were to them . The perennial question is what do they call you ? I’m still dad to my daughter which raised a few eyebrows when she was heard while checking out some clothing items.