This is Hard

It was a Sunday evening; I was all set to hit the hay at my early bedtime. I had just completed a wonderful weekend with my wife. She rarely gets an entire weekend off. Much of what you see me doing here are things I do mostly while she is at work. She never has an issue with whatever I am doing, but I still respect my self-imposed guardrails on trying to remain, or more accurately, get back to that balance. That balance I have been able to maintain between the two sides of me for over a decade now. That balance that is tipping in the wrong direction now. Not that the direction is “wrong”, but there are basic tenants in my life that will not change and if they do, it would bring much more harm than any good to me and those that I love. Fulltime, defined in any way you wish, cannot happen in my life as currently structured. Cannot. It’s inarguable and not up for discussion.

Because she is generally exhausted by her job, which I have discussed here, we don’t go out often together. We still do spend much time together; I cook meals that I put a great deal of thought and work into as my sort of love letter to her, but to go out is a bit of a chore (yes, I do so all the time, I know). Saturday, we attended what is a nationally known festival in our hometown, hadn’t done that in many, many years. The weather all weekend was quite literally perfection. Mid 70’s, zero humidity, bright sunshine, slight breeze. The type of day that you never feel hot or cold, you simply feel exactly right. We walked about, saw people we knew and reconnected with a few. We went home, I got the grill out and whipped up an excellent meal featuring filet mignon. Perfect!

Sunday, I walked a 5K for Melanoma, a cause championed by a pickleball friend of mine and one of the few people that knows who my alter ego is. Again, a glorious day, at Edgewater Park, where you see me on the beach. Running just isn’t something I can muster the energy for anymore. Part of that imbalance I am dealing with. My competitive juices have turned to more focus on that next outfit, that next Kandi experience. We then attended a Guardians game with my lifelong (almost quite literally) friend and his lady friend (at our age, “girlfriend” seems stupid). Another lifelong friend for whom I drive my truck and generate a significant portion of our livelihood, gave me four club suite tickets, food and beverage included. Just a blissful day, with people I love. Kandi was absent from my mind for both days and not missed.

As I waited for nightfall, I started monkeying around pulling up this streaming service or that, simply to pass a bit of time while I awaited sunset for easier sleep. I settled in on a dated ESPN 30 for 30 on Renee Richards. She is burned into my consciousness in the pre-internet days and someone I followed in any way possible back then. Knowing something wasn’t right with me and she was doing something, even then, I respected her before I even knew what respect was. After watching it spellbound, I came to the realization that for “us” (you define yourself any way you wish: crossdresser, trans, hobbyist, on and on and on) it is NEVER, EVER easy. Not only do we have the internal conflicts, but there is also always collateral damage. Always. It is not possible for there not to be any, it is only the amount of that damage that occurs based upon life circumstances and resources and frankly, how one comes out the other end. I am VERY fortunate (but not without great effort, sacrifice and work on my part) to generally be able to glide through life as an obviously transperson who is not offensive to others in any context, either visually or by my demeanor. As I witnessed at the art museum the day prior to this weekend, when the local TV celebrity told me I was beautiful, she did that for the exact reason that she knew what I was and wanted to offer her support.

One day, we will get to the place where we are not a political football, where we are treated like anyone else. When? That I don’t know, but as human beings continue to evolve, gender, race and things like that continue morphing. Society is not what it was in the 40’s, 60’s 90’s and won’t be the same as it is today. My generation will eventually be gone (with their generally more conservative views on life) and replaced by a generation who find it easier to communicate exclusively online than in real life.

Not being “yourself” is agonizing. But seeing a decision or decisions you made for personal reasons have unintended consequences elsewhere is also difficult. That was my great takeaway from Renee’s life. This is what I know. Kandi is joy, but she is also that slippery slope and I am clinging to the sides of the slide so as not to be swallowed up by her and creating ripples where I wish calm waters.

THIS IS HARD! But not facing THIS is also hard. Life is not easy, but so worthwhile.

August 4, 2025, a very simple outing. I took a Canva Basics class at the library.

Oddly, it was all women.

That’s it, that’s the entire story…