Opportunities to spread my feminine wings are few and far between these days. Although I do have the house to myself a couple of days a week, the constant worry that my daughter will come home from work earlier than expected plays on my mind (with good reason, it’s happened three times in recent weeks although I wasn’t caught in flagrante fortunately). It’s somewhat ironic that going out is actually safer than staying at home these days but while I do have the means to check whether she’s home before arriving, there’s still the risk of her getting back before I have changed & cleaned up. So I was somewhat excited to hear that she had decided to spend a weekend away which meant that as long as I wasn’t required at work to cover unplanned absence, I would have an extended day to indulge Amanda.
The question was where to go? I’ve enjoyed my shopping outings but really wanted to try something different. I tried asking AI for ideas but many of the suggestions returned involved travelling to towns where although there may have been an interesting local attraction like a castle, part of the appeal seemed to be a variety of interesting shops. Other suggestions were a bit too close to home and whilst the risk of being recognised was low, I’ve learned not to take chances.
Other considerations were cost & logistics. There are some lovely places to visit in South East England but that would mean either driving or going by train. Driving is obviously convenient but means that I’m cocooned in my own little bubble and these days I like to feel a part of society, not detachment from it. I’m happy travelling by train but ticket prices are high and stations are often quite a distance from where the action is. And then it struck me – what about Central London?
In the past, I’ve been hesitant about going into London due to the risk of being on the same train as my daughter. But with her being abroad, that risk had disappeared and there were another couple of significant advantages. The first is the public transport availability which would mean walking in heels was kept to a minimum and the second is that over 60s who live within the Greater London boundary get free travel throughout London. And that includes me. I live near a railway station and hardly know anyone in the immediate locality so the risks of being recognised were no greater than leaving the house to go shopping and so it became a no-brainer. That just left the decision of where to go.
Again, I turned to AI for inspiration. Art galleries were high on the list suggested because they provided the opportunity for quiet contemplation. And with several high profile galleries in London, it was definitely worth considering. But then another idea popped up – the Victoria & Albert Museum with the ‘Fashion: Dress and Style’ tour particularly recommended both for its content and for the opportunity to be part of, and interact with, a group. So I now had the framework of a day out which, thanks to free travel, free entry to the V&A and free fashion tour would not cost me a penny! And the more I thought about it, the more the idea of catching a train into London and then using the Underground seemed appealing and so the decision was made.
I now just faced the wait for D-Day to arrive.
-o-O-o-
I woke up with a sense of both excitement and dread. There had already nearly been a huge spanner in the works when Mrs A announced that she’d tentatively committed me to something at work. Luckily she said it was optional so I told her I had other plans and that resolved things. But there was still the spectre of unforeseen issues that could scupper the whole day but in the end, I got up, got dressed in my outfit for the day but postponed makeup until I could be certain that all was well. By around 8:45 it was obvious that the staff were all in and things were running smoothly (I can monitor things from home) so on went the makeup.
I’d planned to get the 10:30 train but after spending ages looking for a parking space, I then realised I’d left my phone at home so had to go back to get it and take the next train half an hour later. There were plenty of seats on the train and the journey was exactly as I had visualised it, arriving in London by 11:30. It was then a short walk to the underground where I took a train to the V&A.
Unfortunately, the fashion section at the V&A is closed for updating till 2028 but, even so, the tour was fascinating with the guide using artworks to illustrate the evolution of fashions from Louis XIV’s days in the late 17th century up to the early 19th century. What really struck me about the V&A was how well dressed many of the female visitors were, appropriate for the surroundings but stylish all the same. It was ironic in a way as the tour guide commented on the classless fashions of today – the widespread ubiquity of denim jeans & T-shirts in particular – and contrasted them with centuries gone by where clothing was an indication of wealth and status.
After the tour had finished, I had a quick look at some of the exhibits & the gift shop before making my way to the café for an overpriced cake & drink before starting to make my way back to the underground station. On the way out, I found a passer by and asked her if she’d mind taking a photo of me which she happily agreed to do and that’s the photo that accompanies this post. En route to the station, my heels started to make their presence felt, and not in a good way, so I changed into flats for the rest of the walk. I had planned to browse in a couple of shops including Harrods but on balance decided to make my way home for the sake of my feet!
The journey home was a time for reflection on how normal and natural everything felt. I interacted with museum staff and the lady who took my photo without any inhibitions or worries and didn’t see anyone staring or smirking. London is a very impersonal place so I didn’t have the same affirming experiences that I’ve had on other days but it was just a wonderful day out that went exactly as I thought it would (even down to the aching feet for which I had my flats with me as a contingency!).
-o-O-o-
On the way back home, apart from reflecting on the day, I reflected on Amanda’s place in my life. This may be the last opportunity I get for a risk-free outing for the foreseeable future and I am starting to realise that the risk of my daughter returning home early is a lot higher than I previously thought – the last time it happened, whilst I had changed back, I hadn’t returned Amanda’s things to the stash and was in the bath. Luckily, I’d had the foresight to stuff everything into a couple of plastic rubble sacks which I put out of sight, otherwise the game would have been up.
And then there’s the problem of Mrs A. There’s a conversation to be had about how I can deal with the urges after her retirement but that cannot happen for a few months for various reasons. Therefore, I have decided that this outing would be Amanda’s last for the time being so that when the conversation happens, these outings will be sufficiently in the past both to not arouse suspicion about specific days and to make it easier to be economical with the truth. If Amanda yearns for freedom in the meantime, it’ll be short bursts at home to minimise the risks. It’s not ideal and it’s not honest but sometimes we have to take a few steps back to make headway.
For now, though, I have the memories, and a photo, of yet another wonderful experience. An experience that felt so natural but was beyond my wildest dreams for so long.
16 Responses
Love the V & A, i have a membership in my name that my ‘partner’ (male me) bought me for Xmas, so i could see the Chanel exhibition. Going to the new Schiaparelli soon.
Also of interest in London, the Fashion and Textile Museum in Bermondsey. Have been several times, not free but around £12 concession
Helen, thanks for the advice. It was a shame that the main fashion exhibit in the V&A was closed for upgrade (and given how long it’s taking them, it had better be good when it reopens!). As I put at the end of the post, I’m not sure when I’ll be able to repeat the outing but Central London is a fantastic day out for us – so much to do, so easy to get around and compared to many there, we look refreshingly normal!
Dear Friend,
What a wonderful day for you. You look fabulous.
I am so glad you had a stranger take a photo of you. It will provide great memories and a reminder of what a beautiful woman you are.
We talk a lot about passing and its relevance to our existence. I believe anyone who saw you that day, saw a mature woman enjoying an outing to Central London, PERIOD.
Love,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, thank you for your kind words.
You’re right that we talk a lot about passing but the reality is that, for the most part, it doesn’t matter. I work on the assumption that some will view me as unconditionally female, some as trans and some as a guy presenting female. But regardless of what they’re actually thinking, every single person I’ve ever interacted with has treated me with respect. We can’t control what others think but as I prepared for the outing, I knew that the outfit I chose more or less guaranteed that I’d have a good day and I was right!
Sadly, as I put at the end of the post, it’s unlikely to be repeated for the foreseeable future but whilst that particular chapter (but hopefully not the whole book) has come to an end, it’s a wonderful memory to have.
Wow! Really great photo of you Amanda! You’re an excellent storyteller here in conveying your thoughts – always interesting to read.
Grace, thank you – I do try!
Amanda,
I’ve still not done the London trip myself , I’m only a ten minute walk from a mainline station with a journey time of just over the hour , I might consider a city break to take in a show .
I don’t blame you for asking for your picture to be taken you look great . It’s not something I normally do now but when on a daytrip to York did ask a couple to take my picture in front of Mallard in the National Rail Museum . It brought back so many memories of cycling as children to the east coast mainline to see her in full steam thundering at full speed on her way north to Edinburgh or south to Kings Cross .
May I ask again how do you think your daughter would react if she did meet Amanda , would it be so bad ? As you know my daughter is so supportive , I had a lovely day out at a local NT property recently with her family , my son in law treated us all to a light lunch .
Teresa, thank you. As a rule, I try to avoid Central London as I worked there for 13 years during my corporate career and had had enough by the end of it. But it’s a great place to visit and whilst this isn’t relevant to you, a great place to be anonymous for part timers who are still apprehensive about being out and about.
Regarding my daughter, the honest answer is I don’t know but it’s a risk I’m not prepared to take, firstly as I want to keep my two worlds separate, secondly because keeping it away from our kids is intrinsic to the deal I made with Mrs A and thirdly, and most importantly, I fear that it may cause her emotional issues. I know from conversations about TG things in general that she’s not an unconditional ally and recent unconnected events have suggested that she may not react well.
Amanda,
You may recall my outing story with my daughter . I’d forgotten she was at home , I wasn’t dressed but was ironing a dress that she knew didn’t belong to her or my ex , so told her it was mine and then told her the whole story . She had just complleted her nursing degree at university , part of her course covered gender issues so she was happy to sit and talk it through with me . We both knew my ex wouldn’t be happy but she also accepted what being transgender meant , her nursing degree made her realise mentally you can’t hide these issues . The downside is she has had some terrible arguments with my ex , I have apologised more than once for making her ” piggy in the middle ” but she assures me she would still support transgender issues .
It does feel good not to be anonymous but when I was still married my social groups gave me an outlet that allowed me social contact with the general public . I never considered myself an outgoing person , finding my confidence was hard , I would scare myself at times because I would push myself beyond my limits , 30 years of being a self employed photographer gradually cured me of that , I began to enjoy making things happen to satisfy my customers , OK it was very stressful at times . Nowdays people don’t scare me , which helped when I went fulltime , people now get the best of me and I try to get the best out of them .
Amanda, you look so pretty and feminine in your picture. I can see you would have no trouble being out on your trip. It sounds wonderful you get a chance to express your feminine side like you I have to make the most of the rare time I get to express my feminine side.
Last week I had an opportunity to go to Palm Spring California to meet a dear friend Angela. We met up in the morning and visited the shops in Palm Spring. It was such a nice experience sharing my girl time with a wonderful friend. We had a lovely lunch and talked the entire time. It is so refreshing to be able to talk to someone about fashions. Makeup, and hair styles. It was also wonderful having someone to talk to about the challenges I face every time I present as Julie. I went to Ulta to shop for some new makeup that I needed. I visited the store in make mode the day before and the young lady recognized me. She said “look at you girl, you look amazing”.
So like you Amanda, I had a wonderful day out as Julie, it is nice feeling and looking pretty.
Love Julie
Julie, thank you. I’m glad to hear that you had an opportunity to spread your feminine wigs – freedom in this context is a wonderful feeling and it sounds like you had a really good time with Angela.
Mandy,
You look smart.
Now for daughters.
I know my daughter probably wouldn’t take kindly to Cali.
She hated it when I started to wear high heels fulltime. Now she just ignores it.
She hated it when I started to have colored toenails. BUT then like the colors so much she borrowed some of my polish. And my ex also has borrow my polish.
She hated it when I started to get acrylic fingernails with gel. Now she mostly just ignores it or sometimes she wants to take a closer look. (Envy??)
BUT if she ever looked in my closet and saw my wardrobe, all hell would break lose.
On the other hand, I think my son may react better.
However, I don’t plan of finding anytime soon.
Cali, thanks for the compliment!
The whole family thing is complicated to say the least. I don’t think I would have taken it well if I’ hadn’t been a CDer but had found out that my father was and that inevitably guides my opinion about my kids (who are in their 20s) knowing. In the end, my life is complicated enough without dragging my kids into all of this and steering clear of taking trains into London is a small price to pay for my sanity!
Amanda,
I occasionally think about the situation if I knew my father dressed , when I posed the question of whta would he have thought to my mother she replied , ” You’d be surprised !” I didn’t press her to explain her answer . The bottom line is if someone isn’t transgender they won’t fully understand , this is where we run into problems because there’s a big difference between trying explain why you crossdress than trying to explain you’re transgender . Some might feel ashamed to admit to the family they like crossdressing but not if they know they are transgender , I can’t feel ashamed of something I was born with , something I know I can never change .
Amanda can I just say how wonder, feminine and exactly on point for trip to a museum you look. I really do like the wide leg trousers, and it is a look my partner has been suggesting a try as an alternative to dresses or skirts.
I think dressing for the day time is a skill you, Kandi and some of the other girls here have really got on point.
And I hope your feet have suitable recovered from your adventures!
Tanja, thank you for saying so. I really love my wide leg trousers – it’s a wonderfully feminine style for trousers and because of the way that the fabric hangs, the sensations are far closer to those from a long skirt than those from my normal male attire.
It was really kind of you to mention me in the same breath as Kandi in the context of dressing for daytime. It’s something I stumbled on by accident, really. My early outings were in a dress, jacket and heels and I felt exposed because no one else in the vicinity was dressed that way. My confidence also took a hit as a result. Going out in trousers was a game changer for me – I know some think it’s a wasted opportunity given that I wear them all the time in my normal life but, perversely, it was the familiarity of them that helped build confidence. As for tops, I gravitated to roll neck jumpers; it’s a style I like on women and there’s also the practical consideration that it hides the neck and the signs of maleness thereon. I kept the heels but went for boots which are more suited to casualwear than pumps and the whilst the coat is ideal for cold weather, I can keep the casual vibe by swopping it for a denim jacket when it gets warmer. Somehow, and I’m still not entirely certain why, it all seems to work!
And the best news of all is that the feet have indeed recovered!