I initially wrote this almost a year ago but a year can reveal many new and exciting aspects of one’s self. Thus, I felt the urge to expand on my previous post. Here goes…
Ever heard of the crossdresser paradox? It’s this intriguing mix of attraction, identity, and the allure of femininity. It reminds me of a few friends and, well, a bit of my own story too.
Stories of Self-Discovery
Take Alex, for instance. He was always enamored with the elegance and mystery of femininity. But for him, it wasn’t just about attraction. He often wondered, “What’s it like to be her, to hold that beauty and power?” I remember him sharing a story from his college days, dressed up for a party. He described it as stepping into a new skin, a part of him that was always there but never fully expressed. The way people responded to him, it was an eye-opener. For the first time, he felt the power of femininity from the inside.
Then there was Emily from my hometown. She started crossdressing in her teens, mostly in private. For her, it was about aligning her external appearance with who she felt she truly was inside. She once told me, “Seeing myself in the mirror, fully dressed, was like finally meeting the real me.”
My Personal Journey
You see, this paradox – the internal debate of ‘do I desire her or do I want to be her?’ – isn’t just their story. It’s mine too.
Since my early teens, I’ve had these feelings, these urges. For decades, they’ve been a quiet undercurrent in my life, patient and persistent, always returning. I used to struggle with these feelings, unsure of what they meant or what to do with them. But over time, I’ve learned to embrace them as a core part of my identity.
Nowadays, I thoroughly enjoy being my female self. There’s a sense of completeness, a joy in that expression that I don’t quite find in my male self. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate and enjoy my male identity too, but there’s a special kind of fulfillment in embracing my femininity.
The Paradox of Identity
This paradox isn’t just a curious phenomenon; it’s a deeply personal journey. It’s about exploring and accepting the complexities of our desires and identities.
For me, it’s been a path towards self-discovery and acceptance, realizing that it’s okay to be both, to enjoy being male and prefer being female. It’s an ongoing journey, one where I find myself constantly learning and growing, and most importantly, being true to who I am.
Embracing Both Sides
One of the most liberating aspects of this journey has been the realization that I don’t have to choose between my male and female selves. Embracing both sides has allowed me to experience life more fully and authentically. It’s like having two different perspectives, each enriching the other. In my male self, I find strength, resilience, and a grounded sense of identity.
In my female self, I discover beauty, sensitivity, and a unique form of power. This balance between my two identities has brought me closer to understanding myself and others. I’ve learned to appreciate the fluidity of gender and the spectrum of human experience.
Crossdressing, for me, is not just about wearing different clothes; it’s about embodying different aspects of my personality and finding harmony within myself.
Challenges and Triumphs
Of course, this journey hasn’t been without its challenges. Societal expectations and norms can be daunting. There have been times when I’ve felt misunderstood or judged. But these moments have also been opportunities for growth. They have taught me the importance of resilience, self-love, and the courage to live authentically.
Through the support of friends, community, and self-reflection, I’ve navigated these challenges.
Sharing my story with others has been a powerful way to connect and find solidarity. Each conversation, each shared experience, has reinforced the idea that I’m not alone in this journey.
In embracing the crossdresser paradox, I’ve come to understand that identity is not a fixed destination but a continuous journey of self-discovery. It’s about embracing the duality within us and finding joy in the diverse expressions of who we are.
My story, like those of Alex and Emily, is a testament to the power of authenticity and the beauty of living true to oneself.
This paradox, once a source of confusion, has become a cornerstone of my identity. It’s a reminder that we are all multifaceted beings, capable of embracing and celebrating all parts of ourselves. And in doing so, we find not just acceptance, but a profound sense of wholeness and peace.
Dr. Gwen Patrone
7 Responses
Gwen,
What a wonderful explanation of what we do, think and feel. I can identify with so much of what you say in this post.
I love your words:
“One of the most liberating aspects of this journey has been the realization that I don’t have to choose between my male and female selves. Embracing both sides has allowed me to experience life more fully and authentically. It’s like having two different perspectives, each enriching the other.”
This describes me in a way I could never have come up with on my own. Thank you.
The last paragraph in this post is so self affirming. Bless you for “reading my mind”.
Jocelyn
Thanks Jocelyn for the response. We don’t have to choose. We can be both.
Gwen
Gwen,
Sometime ago in a reply to Amanda I suggested we consider ” crossdresser ” a verb rather then a noun . Instead of saying I’m a crossdresser without any explanation , we could say I crossdress because ……. . This may help to solve the paradox , in my case it was something I desperately wanted answers for , why does the act of wearing women’s clothes have such an effect on us ?
It’s not only a journey of self discovery , it’s a journey we take others on , I didn’t realise this until I went full time . As we progress through our lives we involve other people , we search for ways to gain acceptance , we really have to believe in ourselves before others can believe in us . I’ve partly combined genders but also rejected certain aspects of the male side and had to learn how to replace them with female ones . Try not to show annoyance , smile rather than scowl , be prepared to laugh at yourself and more submissive .
How does it make me feel ? In a single word ” completeness ” . I don’t feel more powerful , at times I feel more vulnerable but a woman has hidden powers or intuition to deal with those moments .
‘do I desire her or do I want to be her?’ – now, there’s a question that I suspect far more of us have wondered than would be prepared to admit to it! I’ve pondered it for years and have finally come to the conclusion that (a) it doesn’t matter as long as I’m happy, (b) the answer is probably a bit of both and (c) it’s pretty well inevitable that there will be an element of desire when a heterosexual male attempts transformation into the most attractive female that he can, given that he’s applying his own definition of attractiveness.
Sadly, for some it’s all too easy to conflate ‘desire’ with sexual attraction (or even gratification) but I think there’s an important distinction for many of us. Personally, I’m delighted that I can feel some emotional attraction to the woman in the mirror – it’d be a pretty depressing time if I couldn’t!
Gwen,
Thank you for all your posts — this one in particular. It brought to mind a thought experiment (which is actually close to my current reality). You have the opportunity to be apart from family and friends for 3 months (the length of time is important to this thought experiment, I believe). Would you spend the entire time as Gwen (24/7), or would you “mix things up” with some time as him and some time as her? Would you be “him” only out of absolute necessity, or would you choose to be him so that you could express the male part of yourself on occasion, because you would miss being him? The reason I have personally put crossdressing into the rearview mirror and define myself as solidly transgender is because my choice, with no doubt whatsoever, is to be 24/7, come hell or high water. I don’t hate that old fellow, and sometimes it’s fine to be him (and I still must be him many times in my life). But I have permanently crossed the gender divide in my mind. Given the certainty of my answer, it might be more accurate to say that I finally realized which side of the divide I belong on. In that sense, I only crossdress when I have to be the male person my wife needs and wants.
Thank you again for your always positive messages.
Lisa
‘do I desire her or do I want to be her?’
Yes to both. I love the woman I have become so much that I am spending my life living as her. I never had a serious case of dysphoria but I have now left most of my maleness behind and spend 99% of my time as Fiona, a person totally comfortable with presenting as a trans woman.
I’ve been internally debating ‘do I desire her or do I want to be her?’ for most of my 50+ years. For as long as I can remember, I would see a well-dressed woman somewhere (in real life, tv, magazine, etc) and my attraction for her outfit would quickly be replaced with a desire to wear it. And usually just the sight of that outfit would give me something to think about for the rest of the day. How I would change the outfit if I was the one wearing it? (It almost always included the addition of pantyhose or tights.) Where would I go & what would I do in that outfit? Would the outfit make me sexy or confident or flirty or demure?
I’ve long since given up trying to discover “why” I think this way and simply accept it as a part of the beauty of me.