By Amanda J.
Last time, as I chronicled my efforts to figure out exactly how ‘Amanda’ fitted into my life, I talked about an interview which Nora had done for Transliving with a bigender lady called Linda Mills. I mentioned how much of what she said resonated with me and how, ironically, the answer she had given to one of Nora’s questions proved prophetic. In response to Nora’s question about what triggered her gender change, Linda replied:
“I could be triggered when seeing a woman whose appearance I admire and wish to emulate…”
And that’s exactly what happened to me. Twice.
As a CDer, my fundamental driving force has always been to emulate a woman who, if things were different, I’d want to date. It’s therefore no surprise that my stash has always included a pair of stiletto courts/pumps, a bodycon or similar dress, hosiery in a range of colours and a shoulder length wig. And as my makeup skills started to approach acceptable levels, looking at my feminised form in the mirror evoked profound thoughts and feelings. But there’s only a certain number of times that one can look in the mirror and be ecstatic at the sight of the woman smiling back before the urge to take her out of the closet becomes overwhelming.
Breaking free from the closet and stepping into the outside world is both exhilarating (‘I’m actually doing this’) and anticlimactic (‘that was easy, why did I leave it so long?’) but not without issue. Firstly, there are the practicalities – heels that are fine when sitting down or taking a few paces to the mirror for a bit of self-admiration soon make their presence felt when worn for extended periods and with most women now opting for a casual look when out and about in the daytime, the more formal look favoured by CDers immediately looks conspicuous. In fact, if there’s anything that identifies us as CDers in s crowd, it’s an inappropriate outfit choice for the surroundings. But when we’re going to all of the trouble of transforming ourselves for an outing into the big wide world, do we really want to emulate the outfit choice of most women – jeans, T shirt/blouse, sports shoes and, in the cooler weather, a jacket of some form – when, to all intents and purposes, it’s not that different to what we wear in our normal male life?
Paradoxically, I’d already found the idea of toning down the ‘femme’ quite empowering. In simplistic terms, it marked the evolution from ‘what do I want to wear’ to ‘what would a woman want to wear’ but, of course, finding the balance between an outfit that does not look out of place in a busy shopping centre and one that is still feminine enough to both satisfy feminine cravings and draw attention away from male characteristics is not easy.
At the beginning of the year, I was driving to visit my son in university and stopped off at the motorway services for a break. As I walked to the shop, coming the other way was a woman wearing a black ‘biker’ jacket, red roll neck sweater, black skirt, black tights and knee high black boots with a heel. In many respects, it was a nondescript outfit, not least because apart from the sweater, everything else was black but it struck me as being feminine without the wearer looking overdressed for the surroundings. And moreover, over the next days and weeks, I felt a growing and persistent desire to emulate her.
I love my tailored bodycon dresses and court shoes but the reality is that I’m very unlikely ever to wear them for anything other than for closeted CDing. I’ve tried wearing more formal clothes when out and about but as the contrast with others was so stark, I just felt exposed. And that is why, when I went out in November last year, I wore an outfit with a similar ‘vibe’ to the woman I saw on the motorway. In fact, I wrote a post about it shortly afterwards (One Last Try) during which I described the outfit as follows:
“…an off-white knitted dress with a roll neck and a pair of knee length boots with a moderate heel in size UK9 (a little bit on the large size but that guaranteed that they’d be a lot more comfortable than my other UK8 shoes)”
As I thought back to the outing in that outfit, I remembered how comfortable I felt and how much confidence it gave me; so much so that I engaged a couple of sales assistants in conversation, something that previously would have been unthinkable for me.
But whilst the desire to be out and about once more was building, there was still the problem of my home life and, in particular, the knowledge that my daughter (whose job allows her to work from home a couple of days a week) could return home early & unannounced and that put paid to any immediate plans to step out once more.
But then, as Linda predicted, fate struck again; once again a random woman who, this time, was standing in the car park as I returned to my car. Her outfit consisted of a black roll neck sweater and a black midi skirt, both of which I possess. And once again boots; they looked to be knee high although the skirt fell to low for me to know with certainty but the heels were unashamedly high. Perhaps a little more formal than the previous one as she was obviously dressed for work but, again, it was an outfit that was appropriate for pretty well any setting and it was that which tipped the balance in favour of overlooking the risk of discovery and getting my femme on once more.
When I went out in November, I was very happy with the outfit but seeing the second woman led me to start thinking that the boots had not been exactly what I was looking for and, as far as the heels (which, you’ll note, I described as ‘moderate’) were concerned, I’d really wanted something higher.
Finding knee high boots with a high heel is easy. Finding them in UK size 9 is not so easy as most of the ranges in the mainstream stores end at size 8 (and, for some unfathomable reason, Deichmann which was once my go-to store for female footwear, stops at size 7 for most of their ranges). And finding them in a place that either does ‘click and collect’ or delivers to a locker is hard. Even Amazon is challenging because many of the traders on Amazon do not use them for fulfilment and so the goods can’t be delivered to an Amazon locker. In the past, I have had things delivered to our house, usually under an assumed name so that I can plead ignorance if needs be, but with my daughter here, it’s just too risky these days.
Fortunately, and despite everything, Amazon came up trumps and I was able to find the following:
“Women’s Knee-High Boots, Comfortable Chunky Block Heel Pointed Toe Pull On Side Zipper Suede Slouch Riding Boots”
Given the incomprehensibility of that description, it was a relief that several photos were included on the listing which showed a far more elegant boot than ‘chunky block heel….suede slouch riding boots’ suggested. Although not stiletto, the heel looked reasonably slender, the boots were not made of suede but, rather, ‘pleather’, they were not ‘slouch’ (which generally means a boot that is baggy in the calf area) and looked a whole lot more feminine than any other riding boot I’d ever seen! They were also reduced by 15% with the offer expiring just over one hour after I found them so I quickly placed an order with delivery to the local Amazon locker.
Sadly, there was a problem. I ordered them late at night before the offer expired and, in my haste, I managed to order brown, not black and by the time I realised, they were back to full price. Deciding that brown boots and my much-loved black coat would not look good, I arranged to return the brown ones and ordered black ones (without the 15% discount) in their place. Unfortunately, they arrived on one of my daughter’s working from home days so, after picking them up from the locker and checking that they were indeed black, they were hidden in our garage.
The following day, my daughter confirmed that she would be going into her office all day so, after leaving sufficient time after she left to allow for contingencies (she has a habit of phoning when her train gets cancelled and using me as her personal ‘Uber’ to pick her up and drive her to a station on a different line so hearing the front door closing behind her doesn’t necessarily mean freedom for me), out came the stash and the transformation started.
There’s not much to report about the outing. I drove there in flats, changing into the new boots when I’d parked the car, stopped at a café for a tea and pastry, interacting as usual with the lovely young ladies behind the counter before spending an hour or so just enjoying being myself as I browsed the clothes, shoes and makeup in the shops before heading back to my car for the drive home. Uneventful, particularly compared to the exploits of the other contributors here but it confirmed that there is a place for my feminine side in my life.
So what does that mean for the future? Needless to say, it’s complicated!
First of all, the situation at home combined with the introspection that I’ve undertaken means that ‘recreational’ CDing – just getting dressed for the sake of being dressed – is largely now a thing of the past. Whilst it can (and usually does) feel good, I’ve come to realise that it’s ultimately unfulfilling; it takes a lot of work to bring the inner woman properly to life but then what? Sure, it deals with the urges but invariably leaves me wanting more and, of course, stands in the way of all the things I enjoy doing in my male life – things for which full makeup, a dress and heels are a distinct disadvantage! But I can’t deny that when I have put one high heeled foot and then the other over the threshold and into the outside world it has felt both amazing and completely natural and that’s a feeling I’d hate to never experience again.
Amazing though it feels, however, I’ve also come to realise that CDing can lead to a vicious cycle (although I’m sure that many would assert that the cycle is virtuous, not vicious). Uncovering the inner woman leads to profound and potent emotions; simply put, the more one does it, the more one wants to do it. We can declare that it’s harmless ‘fun’ but if, as in my case, it jeopardises both livelihood and marriage, it’s anything but harmless. And in having a break in the cycle enforced on me by circumstances at home, I’ve come to realise that, with the cycle broken, I don’t actually need any of this nearly as much as I once thought that I did.
But in declaring that I often don’t need ‘Amanda’ in my life, equally I don’t want her out of my life. It’s not only getting dressed & made up and then loving the person smiling back at me from the mirror but the aforementioned profound and potent emotions that I feel when I do set the inner woman free. It’s the unanswerable questions – why does this feel so natural, why do I not feel an ounce of self-consciousness when mingling with others, why do I love doing certain things in my female persona that bore me rigid as a male, why do I think about ‘her’ several times a day every day, why…, why… and so on?
But in declaring that I don’t want her out of my life, I’m well aware that things are changing at home – it’s my daughter’s presence at the moment but Mrs A’s retirement looms in the not too distant future – and the more risks that are taken, the higher the probability of discovery. I can say with almost total certainty that Mrs A would be appalled and very upset if she knew about my activities in the outside world, particularly as they involved leaving the house and returning dressed and some form of compromise will need to be worked through at some stage. But what I have come to realise is that whilst the urges never completely go away, they do pass and sometimes, as with many things in life, circumstances dictate that there is no other option than to grit my teeth and weather the storm until things calm down once more.
As far as I’m concerned, though, I’m more in balance now than I’ve been for a long time as I’ve finally been able to find contentment in my life when the inner woman either doesn’t need to, or can’t, come out to play. I could declare that I envy the acceptance & love that Kandi experiences at every turn through her interactions or the experiences of any of the other contributors here who have found ways to take this side of themselves a lot further than I have and there would be an element of truth in that declaration. But as a loner at heart, occasional solo wanderings suit me just fine and I’m just happy that I’m finally able to be who I want to be, regardless of whether it’s the rather scruffy guy or, from time to time, his rather more nicely put together sister.
16 Responses
Amanda,
Another well thought out narrative. I really enjoyed reading about your thoughts and experiences.
Our CD/TG circumstances are certainly difficult to completely understand, but you go along way to deriving a conclusion. Thank you.
But let me ask you a question that someone asked me a number of years ago. And I know any answer is not definitive. The question that has always made me think of the true answer. “So, are you a CD or TG?” You only mention CD throughout this post.
Sorry, just ignore me.
I think about how you are doing quite a bit. I wish the best for you.
Love,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, thank you for your kind words and compliments!
As for CD v TG, now there’s a question! And a question with many answers to boot! Taking the traditional definition of TG as someone whose gender identity differs from their biological sex, I’m firmly in the CD camp. Equally, I know that as far as I’m concerned, there’s far more to it than just the clothes and whilst I would never assert that I feel like a woman – how could I possibly know what that feels like? – I do enjoy the feelings of womanhood (or at least my version of it) and striving to fit into that world when I do decide to cross the gender divide.
Perhaps the answer is that, when I’m in my male guise, I’m a CD but when presenting as female, I’m TG. I don’t have gender dysphoria or feel any need to make a permanent change but the feelings I experience when I do set the inner woman free make me curious enough to wonder what life would be like on the other side of the fence if circumstances were different.
For boots, try Evans online or the Yours chain. They go up to a UK 10. I miss the Evans shops…
Helen, thanks – great advice. In fact the mother of a former employee of mine used to work at Evans and said that she’d see 2-3 CDers a week shopping there, not that I was going to take the risk in case I bumped into her!
Amanda,
We all do what we need. I would love to present completely en femme all the time. And I have the clothes, heels, makeup skills, etc. to do it. But that’s not realistic, especially at my age. The only difference between how most women dress and how I dress is I have higher heels and I rarely add makeup.
I love my knee high boots!!!! Just in the past week I wore my JS black faux suede boots 5 times: flying, dancing, at a conference, and at work. Apparently, I am known for my heels now.
I am lucky as I wear a US size 10 (UK8) and some size 11.
Sometimes Jessica Simpson has some larger sizes
Cali, as always I am in awe of your boldness with the heels – it often seems so unfair that the girls have all the fun (although I fear my knees would beg to differ!).
Most of my shoes in the past have been UK8 but going up a size has been transformative – I always thought that the discomfort I felt in some shoes was due to the heel height but the size 9s are just a joy to wear for extended periods, It’s fair to say that larger sizes are readily available but often the problem is not finding them but rather, as in my case, the logistics of discrete delivery. I hate to admit it, given what they’re doing to the high street, but Amazon is a lifesaver in that respect.
Amanda,
I switch to only women’s shoes in 2011 after my third ankle reconstruction. My weird shaped feet (extremely high arch) could only fit in men’s US size 9.5 EEE width shoes, and then I had 1/2 inch gap on either side between my foot and shoe. It was the source of my ankle problems. In 2015, I needed to go up to 4 inch heels (ideal 3.5 to 4.25 difference) after an injury where I had to raise my heels 4 inches just to heal. The results to my body (i.e. pain reduction) meant I could never go back to just 2″ heels. I will wear heels for up to 18 hours straight. I don’t even think about it anymore.
I think my boldness is my nails and the clothes I wear, of which very few are men’s. Some of my most outrageous items get the most compliments from both men and women.
I like to shop, I don’t like spending money, so I surf and put things in carts. Sometimes I will see if I get a coupon to cut the cost. Other times I wait too long and miss out.
Amanda,
Good question , ” Why does it feel so natural ?” To me the answer was the only way I could show the RW how I felt inside . Also the follow on question , ” Despite everything why do I want to keep doing it ?” Simple answer in my case , ” This is the real me !”
I admit I love my boots ! I’m also lucky being a size smaller at a UK 8 , the one problem with having large feet (for a woman ) is careful choice of style , some can make you look smart and elegant and some can look like rowing boats . As for your mistake in ordering , I struggled to find brown boots for two years , so perhaps you should have stashed them away . I have some lovely winter dresses that need brown boots and I usually wear opaque chocolate brown tights with them .
i guess we never stop people ( women ) watching , we may see a style or combination we hadn’t thought of . Talking of biker jackets , I always ruled them out , no not my style ! Then one day I was in Downtown ( large out of town store ) passing the Hide Park Leather display and saw a red biker jacket , I was just in the mood so I slipped it on just as a couple walked by , the guy turned round and said , ” You should buy that , it really suits you “, and his wife just gave me a smile and a thumbs up gesture . Did I buy it ? No but the seed is now sown !!
To stop being Amanda would be so sad , every moment you experience it you can’t forget how wonderful it felt .
Teresa, thank you for sharing your thoughts. We’re all waiting for an update on biker jacket acquisition – given the positive reception you got from passers by, it’s only a matter of time!
To pick up on your final point, as you say it would be sad to consign ‘Amanda’ to history or oblivion. But that said, there is a difference in perception between myself and everyone who I’ve interacted with, both online and, to a very limited extent in the outside world. To all of you, ‘Amanda’ is a complete person but to me ‘she’ is somewhere between a ‘nom de plume’ and a facet of my personality whose existence relies on me continuing to use that moniker and continuing to bring her to life in a physical sense. I’d be lying if I said that I don’t enjoy bringing this side of me to life and I positively love the idea that I can mingle amongst others in the outside world with few, other than those I directly interact with, realising my secret. But equally, I realise that there will come a point when I look in the mirror and realise that it’s time to quietly put her to rest but that will be done with a sense of joy that I was able to live the dream to a far greater extent than I ever thought possible.
Amanda,
No matter where we are on our journey life is never straight forward for us , I possibly know more about your situation than you do about mine because I’ve traveled down your road , the secrets that have to be kept and hope no one discovers them . Yet you have the dilemma of hoping everyone did know so you’re free to pass from one to another , everyone knows my story but now I’ve reached another hurdle through the Supreme Court ruling . Despite changing my name I still don’t have a GRC , I may need one because I could face new problems and dealing with the GRC panel means digging out paperwork to prove when I openly transitioned . It’s now a strange situation because I’m legally allowed to be buried or cremated as Teresa but I now can’t officially use ladies public toilets , GO FIGURE !!
I knew it! I do have a twin sister out there! Well in everything you say except that last comment Amanda – approaching mid-sixties and only just learning the potential looks Maddie has, means I don’t plan to put her to rest any time soon! Actually just the opposite – as you alluded to, once you start and the box is open, genie out and the front door locked behind you, it is another level that you just can’t return from.
I get my daily fix by scanning the websites and adding things to the cart, some which eventually get purchased, some not, but it gives me daily girl time.
But of course, that’s not enough now, and it definitely isn’t enough as you will see in the story Kandi is running next week. Conversely I’m lucky that I typically have the house to myself most days as I work, and I have the most supportive wife in the world. But like you, dressed and photos at home isn’t the pinnacle any longer.
So, last night, I said to N that I need my first girls night out and that I’d found a burlesque show, was she up for that? The answer was along the lines of hell yeah. One message later to my new MUA and she and a girl friend were also starters for the night so I will have a growing table of wing women. You are so right, and the horse has bolted too …
If there was any way i could tell your wife that this is great fun, makes us much better and more tolerant people, I would.
N still has her bearded, rocker husband but also has a great girlfriend that can now walk in public, help with her makeup, give dress advice and even swap clothes with. If only your darling could experience how happy and close, honest and trusting that makes two people I’m sure she’d be all for it. Nothing changes but everything changes for the better!
But could I box Maddie up and put her away? I’m sure I could. Do I want to? Not a chance, she makes me a better person!
All of which has been written wearing my highest heels while in training to be able to wear them out for several hours for girl’s night. Put her back in the box? I have to be kidding!
But I do totally get the comment that you will have a sense of joy when it comes to a final conclusion. I just hope that that time is far away for both of us sis!
But is everything perfect? No – I have to find size 12 wide-fit shoes … !!!
Maddie, thank you for joining the conversaton. Clearly and despite our similarities, we have wives with very different outlooks! I think hell will freeze over before Mrs A would be up for a girls’ night out! After my first confession in 2013, she made a lot of effort to accept this side of me even on one occasion commenting how happy I looked when talking about it. However, she made a fatal error which was to encourage me to dress in front of her. I don’t know what she was expecting but it was quite apparent that regret was setting in as things progressed and it culminated in her seeing a very different person than the one she thought she’d married. The rest (although luckily not my marriage) is history!
But in many respects, what she has now given me – a blessing for DADT – is ideal for me. I am a loner at heart and I’m happy keeping this side of my life well away from everything else.
I hope the evening out goes well!
Amanda, I’ve struggled with how to respond to this well-written post. While I do get out and have meaningful adventures as Tina, it is all done with the caveat that my wife does not know. I just finished a stretch of almost 5 days home alone, which hasn’t happened in 7 years. And it’s extremely unlikely that it will happen again, ever. I’m truly okay with that, just as you are with your situation.
I am fully aware of how much I enjoy going out -I can’t just sit at home dressed, unless I’ve already been out that day. But I’m also aware that I need to rein in my inclinations as they are not conducive to maintaining my marriage. I have gone months without distress over not being able to dress, so I know I can do it again.
As many others have said, I do not want to give up on this side of me. It is one of the only ways I can truly put aside the worries of my male side. Finding the time for Tina is a constant itch in the back of my mind, but I’ve learned how to ignore that feeling when it arises during the days/weeks/months of dressing drought.
Doing nothing is hard; doing too much leads to carelessness. Achieving the balance can be frustrating but so rewarding. We all struggle with that to some extent, whether we are CDs or moving further along the transgender spectrum.
Tina, there is so much wisdom in what you have just written. I particularly like ‘Doing nothing is hard; doing too much leads to carelessness’ – something I know only too well and have learned the hard way. And your point about putting aside the worries of your male life could just as easily have come from me.
What’s important here, and it comes across strongly in your comment, is maintaining a sense of perspective. I think we’ve all gone from viewing living our feminine side as an unattainable fantasy to the point where we see it as a viable alternative life. It can seem irresistible, particularly when (as you say) those male life worries just fade away but we have to balance this with everything else in life. Inevitably we have to live a compromise – that can give us the best of both worlds but it can also be a hard pill to swallow, particularly when we see that compromise having to evolve in a way that disturbs the balance.
So good to read your latest dissertation Amanda. I have missed them and you a lot and thoroughly enjoyed this one my friend.
As far as blending in goes for me I absolutely refuse to wear jeans. Leggings in the winter but other than that it’s a romper if I’m going shopping or happy hour. I just finished explaining what a romper is to anther UK friend of mine. It looks like a really short dress but the skirt part is made like shorts underneath. I’m going shopping next week after an unintentioned sabbatical of 5 months from Trish. So I told Gwen I was going all out wearing my newest romper with bare legs and rhinestone sandles,
It does my heart good to know Amanda is out and about again. I’m so happy for you girl.
Dissertation, Trish?!! I’m flattered but, sadly, I don’t think any academic journals will be beating a path to my door anytime soon! But joking apart, you do raise an interesting point about blending. I’ve managed to engineer a night away from home at the end of next week and intend to take full advantage! The problem is that I’ve tended to gravitate to winter styles but walking around in a heavy winter coat in mid-May is going to be both uncomfortable and conspicuous. Summer styles are a challenge though – low cut tops are out, as are strappy tops, for obvious reasons. As you suggest, the easiest route is jeans and a T-shirt but that’s not really ‘her’ style given that I practically live in that sort of thing in my normal life. I’ve got a couple of ideas so we’ll see how things go.
Enjoy the shopping outing!