Originally posted on November 19, 2021 with numerous updates in italics. I drip with pride about this post, maybe more than the previous two.
I am far from completely open. Only my wife and one friend know “both” of me. [A few more since this, but not many.] And my friend only knows of this, has and will never actually see it. Being perfectly candid, if you met me (the real me, the male me), you would have zero suspicion that I am a CD/TG. None. Just being honest. Within about 24 hours I grow enough of a beard to dispel any probable suspicion quickly and all of the changes I have made to myself are easily explainable and can be attributed to my training [when I did that] and running [when I did that]. [I sporadically continue the hair removal on my face, but that only gets rid of dark hair, so my grey facial hair remains.] Those that are not as educated as we are about our fellow CDers, would never put two and two together. I have many male friends, most life long friends. I can count at least eight people that I frequently interact with that I have known since high school and a few date back even further. On the day I wrote this post (quite some time back), I spent a few hours with one such friend (he was laid up with an injury) that I have known since I was in the sixth grade. That evening I attended a concert with another friend, known since high school. We share a passion for music and attend many concerts together. My partner in my current business enterprise and I have known each other since the fifth grade. [My “boss” with the one apparel line that didn’t shitcan me, I have know since Freshman year in high school.]
Relationships are complicated, layered. Would these friends accept Kandi? I really don’t know, but it’s simply not worth the risk. The person they know as their friend was the same person who previously struggled and suppressed this desire to present as a woman. I am who I have been for essentially my entire life, just happier. My bigger fear is that if they were to discover Kandi is not that they would reject her, it’s that the nature of our relationships would change. It would be different. But who really knows? Plus, if I cannot really understand it myself, how can I explain it to someone else? Yes, others can wrap their head around it, but friends know you, they have preconceived images of you that would color their views.
As I continue to move forward, to grow as a woman, I continue to evolve, reassessing my previous beliefs. I simply don’t see the upside benefit vs. the downside risk by opening myself up to everyone who knew me when. It’s not like I am transitioning, I am still this bifurcated person, it’s just that the female side is now more developed, allowed to bloom. I am a totally flawed and greatly imperfect person. But I am a happy person, one who understands better who she really is, depending on the day.
They should have warned me that life would not be easy way back when. In parenting our children, we did make a point of letting them know growing up isn’t necessarily all that much fun. Going to work every day, bills to pay, responsibilities. Yet they insisted on growing up.
This essay could have been written anytime in my seven plus year journey as Kandi [now in Kandi year eleven, I am well into life’s back nine. The question is what hole I am playing currently, teeing off on hole 12…putting out the 18th green…] and nothing has really changed. I have never waivered on who I would like to tell about all of this. I expect to take Kandi to my grave as it relates to family and friends. That may or may not happen, I may change my mind at some point in time, but right now that is the plan. It’s not that I don’t want to tell people, but I would be uncomfortable being dressed around those that know me otherwise. But things do change…..
I waiver back and forth. I have said this before, most men define their self-worth by their careers. I am no different. If that were the sole criterion, I am a failure in life. I know in my heart, I am good at what actually matters: parent A++; spouse A-; friend, maybe extra credit would get me an A-; woman, a strong B+; human being, I am very proud to say I am kind to all, always, so I’ll give myself a solid B; volunteer, the highest grade possible, but that and $3 bucks won’t cover a Big Mac; athlete, another solid B but breaking down; blogger, B-.
Problem is, career, C+ only because I can generate survival revenue (C- otherwise). Life survivor, an amazing A++, I am the cockroach you cannot kill. But I cannot lie, I have been in survival mode since February 2004 and it never gets easy and it is simply getting old as fuck. So I numb myself with alcohol as I am writing this, well into my cups, even after coming off the glory of The Shoot and The Fitting. For most of you, either of these would be the pinnacle. Me, just a good day, awaiting the next hurdle.
I have looked back for reposting purposes at some adventures from four years back and I revel in who and what I was. I revel in who and what I can be. But I am never, ever satisfied. I never, ever just take an easy day, I am always unsettled, looking to do something, to be better. This will be my undoing. Breathe girl…take your own advice for once in your life.
The picture opening this post was taken at Dress Barn in 2015. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I got to know a lovely woman there early on in Kandi’s existence. I frequented in truck driver mode, as I had plenty of downtime between scheduled pick-ups. Then I went back in girl mode for the first time, picked a few dresses to try on and that was what was written on my changing room door. Wow! I know you are reading this and saying BFD. But it was. Validation. The first such circumstance. Thank you Mary, wherever you are and I am sure you have zero memory of me. Dress Barn, RIP, another retail casualty.
Finally, my gift to you. As I write and drink one Old Fashioned after another on yet another Super Bowl Sunday without the Cleveland Clowns (write this down, 50 years from now, they will be the only team to have never played in a Super Bowl), I listen to my most treasured possession, my almost 14,000 song iTunes collection, literally every song I have loved, every artist I have any interest in listening to. Two of my all-time favorite songs are by The Climax Blues Band. The song that defines my life, “Couldn’t Get It Right” (the genesis of “more cowbell” BTW) and one of the most beautiful songs ever recorded, 1981, “I Love You”.
Fellows, please take it away and ladies, listen…
This post is dedicated to two amazing human beings that shaped my mindset and who Kandi is. Pat (who I never met, but I emailed with almost daily) and Cassidy (who I am blessed to have met once, but corresponded with for the entirety of Kandi, again almost daily, for years). I adore and love you both. Both of these ladies and I shared the same music loves and interests. I know you are both sitting at God’s right hand and I hope are making fun of me. This, me, could not have done jackshit without your love and guidance. RIP to you both.
20 Responses
Oooooh, what an interesting post and one that I have pondered recently myself. In fact immediately after my September makeover, I met 7 friends who I’ve known for around 50 years since we were at school. A few years ago, news came out that one of our former teachers has transitioned and, in addition, the brother of one of the guys there has also done so and the subject came up briefly in conversation that evening. While it was being discussed, I couldn’t help thinking ‘if only you all knew what I’ve been doing today’ and, as you say, what would have been the benefit of telling them?
If I did choose to spill the beans, I suspect the initial reaction would be disbelief followed by the rather predictable mickey taking and comments on my ‘attractiveness’ (or otherwise!) if I showed a photo (with at least one of them almost certainly encouraging me to make the change permanent as I’m much better looking as a female!). But I also think I would be given the opportunity to explain and would ultimately be accepted as I’m sure you would be, given the amazing experiences you have and report here. Pure conjecture, though, as it’s not going to happen!
As I have said before, and I am sure I am not the first one to say this, this stuff is layered, it is complicated and it is never easy. But it certainly is joyful and it absolutely is me. Love you dear!!
a boss I once had outlined 2 decision making criteria–1=sometimes the best decision is no decision and 2=as when you buy a hot dog and try to dispense some mustard-was the squirt worth the squeeze? In other word the downside of your action may not be worth it
I may have to use that one!!
From my own experience of coming out, there is no question the reaction one gets are all over the place
My experience also has some difficult times when most of my immediate family just didn’t understand and my son and his wife all in all rejected me and for some time would not speak to me
Thankfully I’m now able to see my son and grandchildren, but as far as they are concerned I’m back in the closet
What I do away from them just isn’t there business so I respect how they feel about my gender identity and I’m just dad and pop as my grandkids call me.
We all must choose how we come out and who needs to know but it is a difficult thing that nobody who’s gone through it will ever understand
Kandi and all you other ladies you have my respect for what you do and how you choose to do the things you do
I love you all and pray God to bless you
Rachael
Your experiences help others here and I love you for sharing them!
Very interesting. I guess I fall in the same category. No one knows except my wife and a few other TGs that know both of me. I have told several others and they don’t believe me, they haven’t seen me dressed. I guess many of us lead this two sided life, which I don’t mind. I have run into people on outings that I know and they have looked at me and continued on without a clue. It did freak me out. I guess many of us lead this bifurcated life. I don’t believe I have met many who are completely open about their TGing unless they are transitioning. Foe the record I have no desire to transition. Its to hard costs to much and my life is already to complex. But if it works for you its Okay.
Sallee
Thank you Sallee. It’s funny, while you were leaving the comment, I am in Erie for their Gala and having very similar conversations with some ladies here. Best we can do is love ourselves and everything esle will take care of itself. Appreciate you my dear!
Kandi,
Extremely very few non-on-line friends know anything about Cali. My nail tech has seen me in ‘Cali’ mode several times. I something wear makeup to my month mani/pedi. I usually dress in only women’s clothes and I wear high heels almost everywhere. And I have nail color 24/7/365. Do my friends put 2 and 2 together? Maybe, but I don’t worry about it because it out of my control.
Over 20 years ago I had a life changing injury. Almost 2 years recovery to only 90% (never get the last 10% back).During this time I decided to live my life for myself, not how others wanted me to. The bottom line: I am now happier.
Kandi,
As you know my GD has taken me down the road to transition living full time as Teresa , I knew I risked losing friends and family in that process . All I can say is it takes patience and time and a strong unshakeable belief in yourself .
One friend in particular was a photographer who actually took my wedding pictures back in the 1970’s , he lives in my new home town , on occasiosn I have dropped into his studio but he made it clear he didn’t want my ” girl” details . I always told him he was welcome for coffee at my home but for almost seven years he didn’t come near . Just last week he called me to talk about a painting he’d bought , we chatted over old times and the I asked if he still used a picture moiulding supplier . He suggested we make the trip together to check out their current stock , obviously I will be going as Teresa , at one time I knew this could never happen , eventually friends do realise they still need you .
I may shun my male side now but I have no regrets of what I achieved , this friend has always told me I was the best photographer he knew and always respected my work . Besides that he also respected me for the support and hard work I did for my family , I suspect he now respects me for taking on a new life as Teresa .
I guess a true friend is one that stands by you even if we feel we might have damaged or destroyed that friendship even if it takes them time to adjust .
I hope my report card is as good as yours. Like you and others, my wife is the only person who knows both sides. I contemplated long and hard about coming out to others. I weighed whether it was worth risking those in my life I cared about. The problem with ringing a bell is it can’t be un-rung and you can’t control how far the sound will travel.
I got a smile reading your closing lament regarding your Cleveland Browns. Being a life-long Detroit Lions fan, I hera ya sister!!
Cali/Claire,
I soon discovered that the net widens very quickly even though we think very few people know . The internet leaves a trail we may not be fully aware of , there are very few secrets once we press the ” SUBMIT” button .
While we may think we have played safe in our RW outings and shopping we’re not invisible even if we think we’ve played safe by not doing it on our own doorstep . Most of the time we haven’t been read because they’re not expecting to see you dressed as a woman , on occasions I’ve passed with a few feet of neighbours without any recognition . I also admit the ” INBETWEEN” years were a lot of fun , shopping in male mode was full of funny stories and sometimes embarrassing moments , eventually I felt uncomfortable shopping in male mode .
For me the hiding had to stop especially after I separated , there was no point in hiding my true self , I had nothing to be ashamed of , it is a wonderful feeling .
Teresa,
The only difference between how I present as a male and as a female is sometimes I don’t shave, I don’t wear skirts or dress, don’t have hair and the amount of make-up I have on.
My “true self” is neither male or female, but a combination of both. I only wish I could wear more eye make-up in male mode.
Great post Kandi , I often wonder if coming out would make life easier, apart from my wife , no one in my circle of friends or family know and I sometimes wish I could just be open instead of sneaking around anymore. I’m at my happiest when playing music or being dressed. I was trying to think of a way to combine both! Maybe a band made up of cross dressers playing female band covers! Sorry i digress! I love the insight Kandi , it’s definitely helpful in my own journey to discovering who I am . Love you my dear friend 😘❤️
Sign me up as a back-up singer! Love you as well!!
Thanks Kandi , consider it done! Hopefully we get to play in the US one day! I’m sure you would be in the front row cheering me on because that’s the sort of person you are 🙂❤️
Chris,
One of my social groups held ” open mike ” nights , members brought various instruments in . Some were better than others but it was so much fun , one has released two of her CDs , her sales were pretty good .
Hi Teresa , i hope you’re well. I have done a few open mics over the years. My main instrument is drums , however I have teaching myself guitar for the last few years. My band is doing ok , not worried about making money , just doing it for the love , music art and fashion are my passions. Hopefully I can find a way to combine all 3 . Sending you hugs 🤗
Chris,
Thanks for your kind thought and yes life is good . My daughter was learning the piano many years ago so I taught myself the basics , it was great to hear some classic tunes come together . One big regret is never learning to play when I was younger , good or bad playing music brings people together , every Friday while we paint we can hear a band practising at the other end of the building .
You’re most welcome. You are never too old to learn something new . Like you say music brings people together and I have friends all over the world thanks to it. I would love to see some of your artwork one day . 🙂