Hey everyone, I’ve been turning this over in my mind a lot lately, especially after what happened to Charlie Kirk.
I had to get away and detox, so I went on a 6 day cruise with no internet. Yeah. Try it sometime.
Back to my feelings…
It’s heartbreaking, really—the way he was taken out so suddenly, right after speaking on tough topics like trans issues and shootings. And now the whole conversation’s exploding with accusations of hate speech on one side and defenses of free speech on the other.
I live a transgender life every day…
As a trans woman who’s listened to him plenty, I have to say: yeah, we didn’t agree on my life choices, but hate? I never heard or felt that from him. Not once.
I understand why his words hit hard for so many. Drawing from his faith, he’d call out things like gender-affirming care as moral wrongs—comparing it to dark historical atrocities or saying it defies God.
I met plenty of people on the cruise, in the hot tub, pool, dinner, theater and just hanging out and all were pleasant to me. Many genuinely wanted to ask sincere questions. No hate. Just curiosity.
In this charged political moment, with elections looming and states clashing over rights like sports participation or bathroom access, it all feels intensely personal. Social media just amplifies it, trapping us in echo chambers where every disagreement becomes a full-on war. One side hears dehumanization; the other, honest conviction.
We all need to be less triggered and have a buffer. It’s the choices we make after we hear news and before we take action that define us. Take a moment, breathe.
I was honestly mumbling to myself as this was unfolding, “Please don’t let it have anything to do with trans people”. We have been labeled toxic by some media and I didnt want any more fuel to the fire.
Then something like this shooting happens—the shooter, with a trans partner, texting that he’d “had enough of the hate”—and it links everything together in the most tragic way. “Dang”, I thought, “Not again”.
My heart goes out to everyone caught in it; no one comes out ahead when rhetoric turns to violence.
But here’s what’s stuck with me. There’s a clear line between disagreeing with someone’s choices—my choices—and truly hating them as people.
Here’s the big question.
Is it hate speech or simply speech you hate?
Charlie struck me as driven by passion for his values, rallying young conservatives without seeming to wish harm on individuals. He even spoke about transition regret and mental health in ways that felt human, not dismissive. Not racist or homophobic. I didn’t feel any of that.
His wife’s speech after his passing felt so authentic anf touching. Do yourself a favor and watch it all and see if you don’t see Charlie Kirk differently afterward.
You may not agree with some or all of what she said, but get out of your social media bubble for a few minutes and open your mind to the other side for a while. Seek first to understand, then be understood as the proverb says.
In this climate, though, the constant battling is wearing us all down. We’re too quick to label everything as hate to silence it, or to dismiss real pain as overreach. And sure, his rhetoric likely fed into those anti-trans bills cropping up everywhere.
But if we can’t distinguish between clashing worldviews and outright malice, we’ll just keep deepening the divides, inviting more harm. That shooter’s story hits especially close, making you pause and ask how we reached a point where disagreement feels like an existential threat to be taken to the next final level… violence.
What I’m hoping for, as someone navigating the trans experience every day, is more room for the nuances, never violence.
Conversations like neighbors, not adversaries. Like I did on my cruise. We weren’t enemies. Simply people having conversations. People we disagree with become dehumanized when we can’t touch them. We need to exit our bubble and go outside and interact with others as we used to in society. It’s much harder to hate someone when you look them in the eyes.
Charlie’s loss makes this all much harder, but maybe it’s the stark reminder we need: hold space for those who disagree without feeling targeted, and call out genuine venom when it appears.
That’s where my heart’s at right now—raw, but honest.
What’s stirring in yours these days?
Dr. Gwen Patrone
8 Responses
Gwen, thank you for saying what needed to be said and thank you Kandi for posting it.
Even though I am in the UK, I have been deeply affected by Kirk’s assassination. Although I’m probably more aligned to his beliefs than many readers here, like you I disagreed with some of what he said but he could articulate things in a way that at least got me to question whether my own beliefs were still valid. More often than not they were but it was always good to hear a coherent argument for the opposing view even if I was ultimately unswayed. And even as a non-believer myself, I found his faith-based arguments compelling and reminded me that just because I don’t attend church, pray or have any faith myself, it doesn’t mean that I can’t live my life according to Christian values.
Your point about meeting others in the hot tub, pool etc. was well made. My experiences interacting with others are limited but, even so, I have never experienced intolerance or hate. In fact sometimes I’ve sensed that others have gone out of their way to be affirming. But I’ve only ever interpreted that as affirmation that it’s OK to be me – a trans identifying male of some description – and I have no doubt whatsoever that every single woman I’ve interacted with has boundaries which would change things if I crossed them. But it’s important that we don’t conflate those boundaries with hostility against trans people in general and us as individuals in particular.
Too many people have been villified or ‘cancelled’ for questioning the narrative and in the UK this has got to the point where even using the ‘wrong’ pronouns can result in a visit from the police. Regimes run by fear, whether authoritarian countries or the depressingly common online mob rule, ultimately fail when the silent majority finds its voice. If any good can come from what happened to Charlie Kirk, it’s that we all find our voices and engage with, not seek to silence, those with different viewpoints.
All so well said. Violence is never the answer
Sit down have a conversation and listen to others
I’m a person of faith myself and yes I’ve struggled with my gender issues but I don’t hate the other side
We must find a way to find that common ground even if you don’t agree
Excellent and very objective article, Gwen! Division an hate for those who do not think like us is turning the world upside down, as politics focus more on power than on serving the people who elects them. Objectivity and common sense have given way to brain washing the masses through repetition of absurd arguments, by all media, on both sides of politics. As an outsider and citizen of a third world country, I used to admire how politics were handled in the US. It used to be that the differences between one side and the other was in the approach in which each would solve the issues that mattered to the people. Sadly, the US, as the global example of freedom of speech and liberty, has become polarized by ambitious politicians that promote confrontation and violence; “if you don’t think like me, you are my enemy” and therefore, I will discredit any action you take or thought you have, not with arguments but with insults and physical aggression. Welcome to third world politics, in which every new Government focuses its efforts in destroying all good made by the previous one, instead of working for the people. If those who incite confrontation and division, by all means, do not come to their senses, the violence you are seeing now will soon be out of control, even by those who are promoting it. It is up to each individual to open his or her mind and come to objective conclusions, instead of being manipulated and used by obscure interests of the few who benefit from the current state of things. Like I have always said, in general and in our TG community in particular, to be respected you must be respectful; respect is earned, not demanded. I honestly hope that common sense and objectivity return to your country.
One more note that I hope does not offends anyone, but I consider to be true, is that “activists”, who claim to represent us, do more harm and deliver more hatred to our tribe, while getting only personal benefits and political gratification. It is not about being vindictive, but rather conciliatory. We are all ambassadors to our cause that, like you in your cruise, take any opportunity to show others that we are just people who have a particular need, but have much more things in common than differences. The problem is that those activists are loud and their job is to complain and blame others for “their and not our” misery.
Amen, sister!
Gwen, I agree with what you said on your essay. When we fail to talk, only bad things can happen. There are many reasons we are so divided right now, and I think we as a country will face a difficult future.
We all have the right to our opinion, but when it infringes on others right, there lies the problem. When laws are made that affects minority groups who have very little political power, then we must speak out. It must never be violent, or disrespectful.
Very well said. Thank you.
Gwen,
I’ve just returned from a cruise , OK I am transgender but I live my life very much as a woman so I didn’t get any hint of people treating me otherwise , some might doubt my words my my acceptance is 99% .
I’m sorry your’e so upset by Charkie Kirk , I agree these incidents shouldn’t happen , it was wonderful to read the statement his wife wrote it would be wonderfull if both his and her words have a lasting impact .
I can’t help wonder if were fighting a deeper battle , pehaps a modern battle of media especially online media , can we now ever stop this destructive steamroller crushing our lives ? OK we are using Kandi’s Land to exchange our thoughts but who outside this small community really listens ? The balance is so weighted towards hateful destructive opinions and actions .
We should be living in a free society and yet we are becoming more l cautious of what we say and who we say it to . The problem is we may not be speaking or listening to real people as AI takes over , we have no idea if we are upset by a genuine comment or an arificial one !