Can I get an AMEN sisters!😇
But on a more serious note. Over 40 years ago, I started getting the URGE. I’m sure you know the URGE. It’s to dress femme and feel what it’s like to be pretty, attractive and alluring even though it was alone in my room.
At 16 years old, seeing an attractive girl and being both turned on sexually and at the same time being confused because I also wanted to “be” her was perplexing to say the least.
At that time, being in a religious family, it was obviously the wrong feeling to have. Whatever “obviously” means.
Those pantyhose look and feel so silky.💅 I REALLY want to put them on. One feeling said, “DO IT”, while the other said, “What the hell are you thinking?”.
I put them on and wore jeans over them. OMG they feel incredible. The problem was that I didn’t see the hole in the knee. Why may you ask would that be a problem?
DUH. PEOPLE CAN SEE THROUGH THE HOLE.
I was sitting on the couch with my twin sister and she noticed it. I saw her looking at it. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t need to speak, he eyes said it all. WTF? Shock? OMG?
I casually got up as if I hadn’t noticed and I was so embarrassed that I never did it again. I had a major guilt trip. I even went so far as to join the USMC. Talk about over compensation. Religious upbringings are very powerful and difficult to overcome.
After 40 years, the feelings crept back like a flower finding a crack in the pavement and pushing its way out. The flower’s job it to grow and be beautiful. Relentless.
MEN ARE LIKE VEGETABLES.
WOMEN ARE LIKE FLOWERS.
That’s all the flower needed. A crack to wiggle through to be known. To be seen. To express itself. Energy always seeks to express itself. Time isn’t important. For me it was four decades.
Feelings and curiosities started to return. I wonder what it would feel like to __________ ?
Another few years passed and with each experience, the flower would bloom some more. The female energy was getting stronger.
Inside of us is a constant battle for territory. We are all made up of energy (spirit). The yin/yang or male/female spirits want to stake their claim. Which one will win you may be asking?
WHICHEVER YOU FEED.
We all have both yin and yang. Each person has a different proportion of male and female energy. The one you feed more will dominate.
A year ago, I started to write my next book and I was researching this energy dance we all have going on inside of us.
I wondered what it would be like (there’s that phrase again), to “tap into” the female energy to become a better speaker, father, writer, entrepreneur, whatever. Instead of ignoring the energy, why not use it to get better. What a concept.
Little did I realize, going down the rabbit hole was exactly what my flower wanted! Gwen knew that once I smelled her nector, there was no going back.
Gwen was BORN AGAIN!
You see, desire or de-sire from the Latin root means to give birth. My de-sire had always been there in a self-imposed slumber under the the pavement. It was just waiting for the right moment to feed my flower.
De-sire is like Miracle Grow plant food. The more we use, the faster our thoughts become reality.
Deep thoughts for a beautiful weekend. I hope my story helps some of you to bloom too.
Be Strong. 💪
Dr. Gwen Patrone
#transpreneur
9 Responses
Gwen, the flower is a perfect metaphor for our internal feelings of femininity. Pushed down for so long, but just waiting for that moment in the sunlight to grow and blossom. Sometimes, though, I feel like an annual that has to be replanted every year, given my limited time for myself.
And to Kandi, WOO-HOO! Congratulations on your qualification for the marathon! Rest and recover, my dear friend.
Thanks Tina!! It takes more and more to recover each time, but it was nice to achieve this goal.
Yes. If you were to be a flower, which would you be?
Gwen
Gwen, thank you for posting your story. Mine is very similar. Being a teenager in the 60s I realized I was different and I knew I couldn’t tell anyone. I had a semi girlfriend who would put makeup on me. I visited the library and read about crossdressing and knew I couldn’t tell anyone. Thank God I eventually did and met people just like me.
I think there is no question that girls like us suffer much for these feelings. I too am a faith based Christian and there is such a struggle with this aspect of myself
I know God looks at my heart and does not care about how I look and present myself.
But how do I treat others, do I treat them with love and caring, I try but not perfect
My female side or Spirt if you will is still a struggle for me many days and I do believe it will always be so but I move on and still enjoy expressing myself as the person I am and the way God made me
Gwen,
I’ve just finsihed reading a biography of Jan Morris , you may or may not know her as an author . Often she was questioned whether she made a better author as a man or a woman , she finally replied saying , ” I’m sick of being asked this question , I accept now that I and all of you get the best parts of me “. That answer will always stay with me now , when I ask myself the same question .
I’m sure most of know the feeling of being mentally torn apart , it’s so destructive until we finally come to terms with it .
Underdressing is an odd contradiction , part of us want it to remain hidden and part of us want the World to know .
Dealing with the yin and the yang is difficult until we understand it . While consulting my gender counsellor I described the dreams I was having in my early childhood in connection with my dressing feelings . She consulted colleagues before giving me an answer but their thoughts were I had a male part and a female part , the female part was the dominant side which was determined to take over . It took sometime to come to terms with that theory but it all fell into place once I’d accepted it . The fight to remain a man was harder than succumbing to the reality that I was more female .
I guess the flower in me finally had the opportunity to grow .
Gwen,
Thankfully, I was raised in a very religious family (preacher’s kid) that was non-judgmental and had love as the first rule of life. I knew my parents loved me no matter what. I knew I was a child of God no matter what. So, I thankfully didn’t suffer from self-judgement from them. But, society as a whole? I knew it didn’t understand. Plenty of non-believing judgemental people there, as well as the self-righteous ones (don’t get me started on them!). So, despite being lucky in how O was raised, I have suffered in the past from feelings that I wasn’t quite right, and I have been on a life-long quest to figure out what to do about that. What I love about you and the others who comment is that we are all supportive of our individual efforts to bloom regardless of the less-than-ideal soil of judgement that surrounds us.
Lisa
I can so relate to the flower as a symbol of my femininity. Year after year I struggled to reach the warmth of the sun, blooming, only to die away ( purging ) , until the strength within me allowed me to blossom into the woman I have become, assured, confident and openly facing the world. I have never hidden the fact that those like Kandi and Stana ( femulate.) gave me the strength and advice to face the world, and now you Gwen and your wise words empower me further.
I completely relate to the URGE you describe and the internal conflict that comes with it. Growing up, I was also in a religious family and was told that it was wrong to express these feelings. Even though I felt that it was wrong, I could never deny the desire to dress femme and feel pretty. It’s amazing that you still had the courage to express yourself and put on pantyhose. It just goes to show how brave we can be in our journey to find acceptance. Have you ever been able to speak with your family about your URGE and how they responded?