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Some thoughts from a while ago, updated for your consideration.

My main goal with every click of my heels as I walk out that door, it to “be”.  “Be” Kandi.  “Be” comfortable.  “Be” sweet.  “Be” happy.  “Be” feminine. “Be” a catalyst for other people’s happiness, if simply to bring a smile to their face.  “Be” outgoing.  “Be” gregarious.  “Be” welcoming.  “Be” an example.  “Be” memorable.  “Be” stylish.  “Be” loving. “Be” smart. “Be” appropriate. “Be” confident. “Be” visible.

One of my pet sayings is that I prefer “being” to “being dressed”.  That is one of the reasons I generally prefer my solo flights to group outings.  When I realized I really didn’t belong at a local GNO is when I realized they were all about “being dressed”.  Hey, for many girls that is all they get, so I am in no way denigrating those experiences.  It’s just that I’ve gone beyond that and I know many reach that same conclusion.  I am, as I’ve said, not in transition, but I am remarkably comfortable dressed, as it has become a big part of who I am.  This is now part of my life, not an unsatisfied urge or need.

This is from the person who one day on a business trip to San Diego, bought her very first (owned) bra, panties, hose and slip, moving very quickly through a J.C. Penney’s grabbing this and that, paying and scurrying out the door.  Within an hour, all of this purchase wound up in a dumpster on the campus of San Diego University.  Idiot!

On many business trips, I would battle the urge, try my very best to not indulge.  I would get near migraines until I gave in, driving about aimlessly (before the days of GPS), trying to find anywhere near me to purchase something, like an addict looking to score.  Pathetic!  I’d then go back to my hotel, try to relax or sleep in what I had purchased and lay awake for hours afraid the hotel would catch fire and I’d have to be rescued in my nightie!  Moron!  I have a theory that in any hotel with at least 50% occupancy there is at least one crossdresser plying her craft, in one way or the other.  I think back in horror at some of the things I did, dressing completely in a dress, heels, lingerie, jewelry, all purchased on the fly, my body completely covered in hair, 100% male from the neck up (with that cheesy mustache).

One of my biggest thrills was meekly going into Transformations by Rori in Arlington Heights (Chicago), IL and asking about breast forms (I was underdressed at the time) and having a conversation with another human being about my bra size and telling another human being that I was wearing a bra. It was liberating having that conversation while at the same time frustrating running out of there like I was on fire.

The stories I could tell, I am sure we all have them.  I have so many memories of my being absolutely stupid while scratching this itch and thinking I was doing something wrong. Going through all of that and now I have reached this state of being.  Life certainly is full of surprises!


6 Responses

  1. I really love this post, not least because it shows how far you’ve come and also that the insecurities we feel are not unique to ourselves and can be overcome.

    I think you’re right about hotels too – it’s with good reason that Travelodges (budget UK hotel chain) are often referred to as Trannylodges by those in the know here – I know it’s a description frowned upon these days but it does underline the esteem in which they’re held by guys of, shall we say, a more feminine persuasion!

    And we underestimate the value of makeover artists at our peril – there’s so much more to them than just skills with the makeup brush. The feeling of being able to sit down in guy clothes and talk about one’s other identity and her needs without fear of judgement, ridicule or recriminations is unbelievable and that’s a memory from my own encounter that I particularly cherish. It’s interesting, yet completely understandable, that you had the same feelings even though you were just there for advice, not the full works.

  2. When one goes through the process of figuring out who and what we are it’s not ever easy.
    The self doubt and hurt we can put onto others especially our spouses is very hard.
    Trust me on this.
    It took me much counseling and denying that I was not the person I’ve become and yes it has come with a cost
    However for the most part I accept that this is just a part of me and I’m still learning but I am who I am
    I’m trans and it’s ok

  3. you are writing a duplicate story from many of us.Each step replicates the same terror as going down a ski slope for the 1st time. and after each step you think what was the big deal? and that was wonderful–NEXT!

    1. Em, I was actually just thinking about the ease with which I know go out now before I sat down and checked the blog. Like riding a bike, it’s scary at first but then you hit your stride and are riding with no hands!

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