It was only a few years ago, even after I became a regular Kandi’s Land contributor, that I’d read accounts of others’ trips into the outside world, doing the things that any woman would do seemingly without a care in the world. Even as I took my own tentative steps and started to realise that the rest of humanity had far more pressing issues on their mind than to ponder whether my chromosomes matched my presentation, I still had a feeling that I was skirting (pun very much intended) around the edge of the world of women and would never have the guts to do even one tenth of the things that others were doing. I felt envy and a tinge of sadness that I’d never be in that position myself. It wasn’t just that despite the effort I put into my feminine presentation, what lies beneath is obvious. A bigger factor was that I just never felt that I would have the guts to walk amongst crowds of shoppers, let alone interact with people, in my feminine persona. And as for picking clothing off the rails and marching into the changing rooms as if I had every right to be there – forget it! But finally things started going in the right direction and the fears that I once had which kept me in the closet were replaced by a burning desire to be out and be seen.
As I’ve said here before, I’m not one for bucket lists or doing things just to prove my female credentials. But as I’ve become more confident in my feminine persona, I have experienced increasing desires to do things that women do. Nothing fancy, just mundane things like browsing in womenswear shops & departments, calling into a café for a cup of tea and a pastry, even queuing up in a bank to pay in funds to our business account. One thing I had never done, though, was to try on clothes and thoughts of doing so started to enter my mind several times a day. And on a day when, unexpectedly, the house was empty and the coast clear, I decided to bring that dream to reality.
As with my last outing, I drove to a large out of town shopping complex, about 30 miles from where I live. For me, it’s ideal – plenty of parking, under cover and ‘flagship’ chain stores with wide ranges to browse. And I’d no sooner got out of the car when it became obvious that I was going to have a good day. A young woman walking towards me looked my way and we exchanged smiles. A fleeting moment and no words were exchanged but all I needed to once again remind me that acceptance is there for the taking.
As it was nearing lunchtime when I arrived, my first stop was at Caffè Nero for a cup of tea and a mince pie (it was early December and everywhere was gearing up for Christmas) where, as usual, I was treated to service with a smile. And a trip to Boots the Chemist yielded a similar reaction from the assistant I asked for help in finding cotton wool pads and who seemingly delighted in walking with me to show me exactly where they were. With the essentials sorted out, it was then time to concentrate on the main purpose of my visit, finding outfits to try on.
As I visited various shops in the mall, the desire to find an outfit to try on was building. To help me focus, I decided to look for an outfit suitable for a Christmas party, something that should have been straightforward in early December but which proved a lot more challenging than I thought. Plenty of dresses whose hemline left little to the imagination and whose neckline required rather more authentic boobage than a couple of rice filled stocking feet inside a pocket bra are able to provide. And the frustration mounted, not because I couldn’t find what I was looking for but because the whole aim of the outing was in jeopardy.
One advantage of shopping malls is that they have plenty of places to sit down and with walking around in heels starting to take its toll, they were a godsend. I sat down at one end of a long bench with a woman of a similar age to me sitting at the other end. I’d inadvertently left my phone in the car and, without a watch, had no idea what time it was. There was a time when I’d have been terrified to open my mouth but, without thinking, just asked her if she could tell me what time it was and, with a smile, she was happy to oblige. Just more evidence of how normal all of this is becoming for me.
There wasn’t much time to rest, though, as I still had the main objective of my outing to fulfil. Having more or less exhausted the other options, I entered the ‘darling’ of the older woman – Marks and Spencer – and was drawn to a faux fur jacket. I’ve always liked the look of fur but have never approved of natural fur so this was ideal and then set about finding a suitable dress to go with it. Finally, I found a black midi dress with lace trim so took one along with the jacket to the changing rooms. The assistant asked how many garments I had, I told her and she told me to go to any cubicle.
I got changed then left the cubicle to see the effect in the large mirror. A woman with a pushchair/ stroller was standing between me and the mirror, glanced my way then quickly apologised and moved. It was a perfectly normal reaction and interaction but I couldn’t help wondering what her reaction would have been had she looked at me a little more closely.
As for the outfit, for the imaginary Christmas party, it would have been an absolute winner without a doubt. The lace trim and mid-calf hemline gave the dress an air of sophistication and the fur jacket would have been perfect for arrival on a cold winter’s night. If the party had been for real, would I have bought it? Possibly not immediately as I still wanted to see what else was on offer but it was certainly a contender so I returned the items to the rails and continued my search.
Earlier in the day, I’d looked in another shop, River Island, and saw what I thought was a nice long dress. However, on closer inspection, it turned out to be a jumpsuit so I’d quickly moved on. After the success in M&S, I decided to return, if only to see how I looked in an outfit that I’d never previously considered. I picked up a black jumpsuit plus a red one from an adjacent rail and once again decided to pair them with a cream faux fur jacket. Having passed the sales assistant on duty at the changing rooms without incident, I found a cubicle and tried the black jumpsuit first.
One word can sum up how I felt when I emerged to look at the outfit in the large mirror outside the cubicles – WOW! In my imaginary scenario, it would have been a good job that I put the M&S outfit back on the rails because the jumpsuit and fur combination was absolutely perfect. It was one of those outfits that would not have felt out of place if other guests had not made an effort but, equally, would have fitted in perfectly if everyone else had been dressed to the nines. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more ‘right’ or even, dare I say, ‘sexy’ as I looked at myself in the mirror.
I’d had high hopes for the red jumpsuit. I used to have a lovely red bodycon dress and I’d always felt good wearing it. Black has become a bit of a cliché so I was interested to see how the red jumpsuit stacked up. Unfortunately, it was a real let down – the black one exuded sophistication, the red one looked like a fancy dress costume for a 70s themed party. Even the fur jacket failed to redeem it and it was interesting to see the contrast between two nearly identical garments where the only difference was the colour.
I changed back into my own clothes and left the cubicle. As I passed the sales assistant, she asked how everything was. Time for a chat, I decided. I told her that the jumpsuit was absolutely gorgeous and then went on to say that I’d been looking for a dress for a Christmas party but after trying on the jumpsuit, I was torn between the two. She laughed and said that it looked like I’d made life a lot more difficult for myself before adding that she thought the fur would really suit me. She wasn’t wrong!
And after that high, there was just time for another cup of tea at the Caffè Nero to reflect on the day before setting off for home.
Once again, this outing proved to me that the only barriers to living this side of myself are those I put in place myself. Acceptance is there for the taking and I never cease to be touched by the way that others treat me; it may sound cynical to wonder whether I receive extra special treatment because it’s obvious what I am but to me that’s a real positive, something akin to being told that I’m worthy of being welcomed into the sisterhood.
As you’ll probably have inferred from the title of this post, there’s going to be a part 2 where I look at the whole issue of trying on clothes from a different perspective so stay tuned.
18 Responses
Hi Amanda, you are very brave to have done this, but then you have been working on your appearance and mannerisms so this would be the next logical step. Great to hear that you weren’t treated in the way that some parts of the UK press would have you treated, I do often feel that social media, and the loud voices it attracts, does nobody any favours and simply encourages those of a similar opinion to pile in.
And I won’t be alone in wondering when you are going back to make your purchases!!
I was also wondering how Mrs J feels about you going out and about? Whilst my wife lives with me dressing inside she certainly wouldn’t be happy with me venturing out to a shopping centre (a long way off for me, bearded and bald aren’t what you expect to see in a woman wearing a dress).
I love your blog, please don’t stop!!
Mary, thanks very much for your kind words.
You’ve raised an important point about the attitude of the press. There’s an important distinction to be made between the ‘macro’ issues – women’s sports, women’s spaces etc. – and the ‘micro’ issues – how we are treated when we are out and about. I had a look a day or two ago and the percentage of the population that has strong concerns about the macro issues is around 70%. The percentage of the population that is accepting of the rights of trans people to live without discrimination is also around 70%. The press concentrates on the macro issues but when we’re out and about, all that really matters is how we’re treated and from my own experience, the 30% that may not approve tend to keep their feelings to themselves.
As for bravery, maybe in the early days when I had to push myself to go beyond my comfort zone but it doesn’t feel like bravery any more. Fundamentally, I stopped worrying whether people would see that I’m not a ‘real’ woman and started trying to be the best version of a trans person that I could be. Choosing an appropriate outfit for the surroundings is a huge help, as is looking age appropriate (which for a 65 year old like me basically means anything a 40 year old or above would wear!). It’s about blending in rather than standing out and showing respect for what it means to be a woman in everything I do.
As for Mrs A’s attitude, I’m ashamed to say that she doesn’t know I go out (or at least I think that she doesn’t know). She agreed to DADT and so it’s not something we discuss but the question of how I dig myself out of the hole I now find myself in is a source of daily anxiety not because I fear being found out but because I don’t want to cause her any more hurt than my CDing already has over the years.
I see you were finally able to fight though the spam filter! Welcome aboard!!
Hi Amanda, congrats on your most recent outing. Truing on clothes is one of my favourite things to do when out. Occasionally I buy something (like recently in Toronto) but usually I try on dresses and things I would never have a chance to wear out. One thing I do like to do when trying on clothes is take pictures. Too bad you left your phone in your car. Maybe that’s a next step. SAs are always happy to take pics for me–even zip or unzip me if I can’t reach the back zipper. Never had a issue.
I am not sure what my wife thinks or knows at this point. She knows I have, but I don’t bring up the topic and neither does she. I’ll leave it at that.
I enjoy reading your posts.
Donna
Donna, thank you for sharing your experiences. I’m glad that you enjoy the posts!
With things being as they are in the UK regarding the Equality Act and the sex/gender question, I wanted to be as respectful as possible when I entered the fitting rooms. The cubicles weren’t big enough to get a decent selfie and I didn’t want to give the impression that I was in there for questionable reasons! It’s a shame because the lighting in River Island’s fitting rooms is very flattering and it would have been lovely to have a photographic memento.
In the days afterwards, I have to confess that I had second thoughts about the whole thing and that will be covered in the second part of this little series.
Amanda,
It’s so good to read of your shopping trip , Xmas is a good time to shop less people take notice as they’re thinking about their own shopping needs . I’ve never owned a jump suit and never tried one on , one problem being going to the loo , I must admit I’m a sucker fro sequins but then they can really give the game away when stray ones find their way onto male clothes .The SA in Klass brought me several tops to try on and sneaked in a dress , I ended up buying one top and the lovely dress , I liked it so much I bought a second on the sale in blue and silver . I took them both on my cruise with some nice comments .
What is acceptance really about ? There’s not really one reason that stands out it’s a combination depending on the individual even if you don’t feel you pass you can still be comfortable if you have the confidence , Kandi has some useful guidelines . Some say , ” Just own it !” but that sometimes means you don’t give a **** what people think , that’s OK if you don’t meet those people again but being fulltime I meet some of those people everyday I need their acceptance and I also need to know they are totally comfortable with me .
Teresa, thank you.
Acceptance for me is quite simple – it’s people understanding what I am and, as a minimum, treating me as they would treat anyone else. My gold standard is being treated as they would treat any woman. Often, it’s not what’s actually said that’s significant but, rather, either the way it’s said or, for want of a better expression, reading between the lines of what was said, the quick exchange I had with the fitting room attendant being a case in point.
As for going to the loo when wearing a jumpsuit, there are YouTube videos covering the practicalities which tells us all we need to know about the particular challenges that type of garment brings!
As I said in a recent post, there’s an awful lot we can do to tip the balance in our favour and on that outing (and outings I’ve had since) it really felt that the effort I put in paid off.
Amanda,
I still think I’ll give a jumpsuit a miss . The one item that must be a nightmare for women is the all in one ski suits , some facilities can be very rustic , a log cabin eatery at top of the mountain in Bulgaria served wonderful food but the loos were a nightmare . A log leanto with no heating and simply a hole in the floor with two grab handles , it was one time I was grateful to have male equipement but how women managed especially in all in one suits , while possibly wearing ski gloves and ski boots , a mystery I never found the answer to !!
Hand on heart I can honestly say I’ve never had a bad moment in shops with SAs and that goes back some time . I have been embarrassed , many years ago I was shopping for underwear , ( my favourite was Charnos then ) I’d picked out a full set in red ( bra , pants , suspender belt , cami and slip ) the SA called across to her friend in a busy shop , ” lady’s underwear for the gentleman !” , I went as red as the underwear but I didn’t back down as it was all half price in a sale , I did get some odd looks from other shoppers .
Amanda, you share so many things in common with me. Our spouses are not understanding and supportive. I have had similar experiences when out shopping with my dear friend Angela. We are always treated as women and have a wonderful time when we are out and about.
If you are confident I’m who you are, going out can be such a wonderful experience. When I tried on the gray sweater dress, I felt it was perfect and I have had some compliments on it. Store sales clerks have always been so sweet and helpful. Las Vegas is a very trans friendly city, I feel lucky to live there.
Amanda, always love your posts. I wish I lived closer to you, we would have a lovely time shopping and sharing a lunch together.
Hugs Julie
Julue, thank you for your kind words.
I find the attitude of sales assistants touching. I know they want to make the sale but, even so, they could easily get away with polite tolerance if they wanted. But I have had some truly wonderful encounters, most recently with an assistant on the MAC counter in Boots the Chemist which will be the subject of a future post here. I do wonder whether the enthusiasm I have seen from some of them indicates that they saw me as an opportunity for a spot of virtue signalling but if I’m getting the princess treatment as a result, I’m definitely not complaining!
Oops, I do realise that your name is spelt J-U-L-I-E not J-U-L-U-E but in my defence, it’s getting close to bedtime!
I understand Amanda, still mid afternoon here in Vegas.
Amanda,
First, I have black jumpsuit. Got it 10 years ago and loved it until I had to go. Haven’t worn it since.
Halloween 2024, I got a MAC makeover. You had to buy $100 in MAC products, but it was very enjoyable. That’s where I discovered their Stackable mascara, now my favorite brand. Even send a gg a sample present.
Finally, BUY THE FUR! They are so much fun. Fall 2024 I walled into my friendly shoe boutique to see if they got any heels I like in. Instead hanging on the wall was a faux fur tiger print vest with silk lining. The fur was so soft, about 4 cm long. The manager and I talked about it for a awhile she was thinking of buy it too. Their last two was my size and her size. I bought mine. Only worn it a few times in male mode, but very time I get many compliments on it. So Amanda, put on your big girl panties and get your fur. (JK)
Cali, thank you for your encouragement! I’m beginning to realise that life has two parts – before trying on a fur and after! It actually wasn’t the first time I’d tried one on – I’ve always had a bit of a thing about them and a few months tried one on the shop floor and was immediately hooked – but this was the first time I’d done so as part as a complete outfit rather than just adding to what I was wearing at the time. It’s a similar but opposite effect to a denim jacket – the denim can make a formal outfit look casual whereas the fur makes a casual outfit more formal.
If Amanda’s stuff didn’t have to be stuffed into a holdall and hidden in the roof space, I’d have bought it on the spot. Maybe one day…
I know. As soon as the manager took the vest down and I touched it, I knew I wanted it. And when she reduced the price, it was mine. I’m so glad it is hanging in my closet and I can use it.
I thought of you today! I went to the shops and there was a rail full of fur jackets. Sadly none in my size left, though.
keep it up and the time will come when you interact with others (as a woman) and you won’t even think about the circumstances
Emily, thanks. It never ceases to amaze me how accepting people are. I know SAs etc. want to make the sale but a lot of my experiences seem to go way beyond that.