Back in the annals of history, or October 2022 to be exact, I penned a post called ‘The Woman in the Mirror’. In it, I tried to figure out what was driving me to transform myself into the best possible version of womanhood; was it attraction to the woman in the mirror or was it the inner feelings that come from the realisation that my external presentation matched my inner psyche? In the end, I decided that it didn’t matter.
But over the nearly four years since that post first saw the light of day, I’ve got my presentation to a level that if Amanda was a separate person to me, I’d date her in a heartbeat (or at least I’d try to date her but the truth is that she’s so far out of my league that it’d really be pointless asking). But I’ve also broken free from the shackles of the closet and experienced the euphoria of walking amongst the general population in the outside world and being treated as the woman I’ve always wished I was. That feeling of euphoria is a feeling that, if you‘ve experienced it yourself, no further explanation is necessary and if you haven’t, no amount of explanation can ever fully describe. So it’s fair to say that the attraction I have for both Amanda’s looks and her life have grown over the past few years.
Deep down, I’ve always felt that those two states were mutually exclusive. If Amanda was indeed my ‘true self’, then I should not feel any attraction to her. Or if she’s just a woman who, for want of a better expression, I’ve got the hots for, then I can’t really then go on to assert that I’m a woman at heart in the next breath. In the ‘Mirror’ post, I attempted to square the circle by deciding that it depends on the situation – sometimes my need is to feel complete as a person and to resolve my anxieties surrounding my identity. Other times, I’m just happy to look admiringly at her and the warm feeling inside is purely and simply because I’ve found a woman that doesn’t run away when I approach her and smiles back when I smile at her (sadly, a rarity in my normal life!). But now, four years on, I’m starting to think that instead of being mutually exclusive, those two states can coexist.
Of course, I’m supposed to declare not only that I am really a woman but also that I always have been (despite my chromosomes, 65 years of testosterone and my lived experience begging to differ). I’m supposed to attribute my transgender leanings to my DNA or being overdosed with oestrogen in the womb, possibly as a result of my mother almost certainly taking DES early in pregnancy, not somehow driven by attraction to my feminised self, even if I declare that it’s only part of the story.
Ever since I first learned of the possible connection between DES and transgenderism in the mid-2010s, it’s been my go-to explanation for why I feel the need to cross the gender divide, both emotionally and physically, from time to time. It’s an ideal explanation which for me was to all intents and purposes provable; my mother always talked about being prescribed medication early in her pregnancy although she couldn’t remember what it was. To me DES seemed a logical identification of the mystery drug and, as it seemed to tick all the right boxes, I felt comfortable that I’d at last been able to get a plausible reason for being the way that I am. And when, backed into a corner, I had no option other than to confess to Mrs A for a second time in early 2023, I included this explanation in my prepared script. Whether it was a contributory factor in Mrs A giving her blessing for DADT or whether her mind was already made up, I know not but it certainly didn’t harm things.
But I have to confess to more than a little scepticism about DES and other similar explanations. The evidence is largely anecdotal and the theories don’t explain why I seemingly have a burning desire to present in a feminine way but have displayed no other feminine traits in my life. Also, there’s no absolute correlation between mothers taking DES and sons displaying transgenderism – DES is neither necessary nor sufficient in this regard. We can perhaps explain that away, at least in part, by asserting that DES is only one of the several ways that a male foetus can be overdosed with oestrogen in utero and that’s a valid assertion to make. But even if we overlook a lack of feminine traits, we have the problem of twins where one is transgender and the other isn’t and yet their foetuses developed in the same environment at the same time (and whilst this holds true for fraternal twins, the situation with identical twins also brings into question any DNA-related explanations given that their DNA is identical).
So whilst I have doggedly stuck to this explanation, my increasing scepticism has prompted me to resume my search for answers.
As I suggested above, the question of my attraction to Amanda continued to trouble me. It’s almost inevitable that male me would feel some attraction to Amanda; I’m heterosexual and my inspiration is drawn from those feminine looks that I find attractive. And in a wider context, ‘passing’ has really come to mean being indistinguishable from not only a natal woman but an attractive one with the evidence to support that assertion there for all to see in places like Flickr and Reddit. But what I found perplexing is that once the transformation is complete, there are far deeper feelings at play than just attraction and there’s absolutely no sense of eroticism . I experience profound feelings that everything is exactly as it should be, not only in the way that I look but also, since I’ve been confident in the outside world, the way I interact with the environment in general and with other people in particular. In short, it all just feels completely natural. So how come male me feels a strong attraction while female me just feels at one with the feminine world? What was I missing here? In the end, I turned to AI in the hope that it would provide some desperately needed insight. And it did in a surprising way.
The ‘conversation’ soon focussed on autogynephilia or AGP and the AI suggested I consult the writings of Dr Anne Lawrence.
Straight away, I was apprehensive. I’m well aware of the general attitudes to AGP within the wider trans community, not least because when I was a regular at susans.com, any discussion of it either by name or just in general terms, was immediately shut down by the moderators. Even a ‘newbie’ to the site who posted what I felt was a reasonable question – something along the lines of ‘is attraction at the root of why I feel this way?’ – was immediately told in no uncertain terms that the terms of services of Susan’s Place expressly forbade any discussion of that particular topic and the thread was locked. And for that reason alone, there was always a question in my mind – if the idea of AGP is so flawed, why ban any mention of it rather than just calmly dismantle the theory? What were they so scared of?
Moreover, didn’t the fact that I get no physical ‘pleasure’ from being Amanda effectively discount AGP as a possibility? And what about those feelings that everything is as it should be when I’m out and about? They’re not driven by any attraction to my feminine form, just a warm feeling that comes from being treated exactly as I want to be treated by others.
And with all of those questions in my mind, I took the plunge and downloaded Lawrence’s book ‘ Men Trapped in Men’s Bodies’ from her website (annelawrence.com). The title itself is intriguing; it’s obviously a play on the old ‘woman trapped in a man’s body’ cliché but the twist is that it’s apparently normal men who feel trapped, their male bodies effectively making feminine expression taboo. And the more I thought about that, the more I realised how much I identified with that idea. I’ve never felt that nature somehow made a mistake saddling a female psyche with a male body and even now that I’m completely comfortable in Amanda’s persona I still emotionally feel that I’m part spectator, part guest in the feminine world. But the trapping comes from society; a society which says that it’s OK for women to wear what they like, regardless of which side of the aisle it was originally produced for, but men have to be men. In most respects, I’m quite happy being a female presenting male – the best of both worlds you could say – but I’m only at liberty to fully enjoy one of those worlds.
As for the book itself, Lawrence is, as she states, transsexual and a self-identified autogynephile. The book is a review of research conducted with 249 ‘non-homosexual transsexuals’ at various stages on the transition continuum from non-transitioning to post operative, all of whom additionally self-identify as autogynephiles. On opening the downloaded file, I quickly realised that the book was not going to be the entertaining read I’d hoped for but a fairly heavy academic work full of references to other academic works. On that basis, I decided that the index was a good place to start since that would enable me to home in on topics of interest.
It would be impossible to summarise the book here so I’m not going to attempt it. What’s important is that the basic definition of AGP is centred on erotic arousal from the idea of being female. Four categories of AGP are listed – transvestic (arousal from the idea of dressing like a woman), behavioural (acting like a woman), physiologic (having the physiological functions of a woman) and anatomic (having the body of a woman). What then follows is a deep dive into the research which includes many quotes from the subjects of the research, a high proportion of which go into areas way beyond what would be acceptable to reproduce here.
That should have been enough to stop me going any further down this particular rabbit hole but the truth is that as Amanda has evolved as a facet of my personality, I’ve felt a high degree of arousal both at the thought of being her and, as I’ve become comfortable and confident in her persona, from actually living life in her shoes, albeit fleetingly. But to be clear, it’s not erotic arousal but emotional arousal – what is often referred to as gender euphoria. Or to put it more simply, I feel good when I can present as Amanda. And when I mentally stripped away the more NFSW quotes from her research subjects, I found a high degree of correlation between their experiences and mine. Buried in and amongst all of the inappropriate stuff, I started to find a compelling possible explanation for why I’m the way that I am. Or to spell it out, I started to wonder whether some form of attraction was at the root of all of this rather than just being a by-product of it?
It’s an interesting thought. As humans, we’re programmed to find other humans attractive but within that, we each have unique preferences. Straight v gay is the obvious example but we may be attracted to a certain skin colour, clothing style, personality, or any of a myriad other traits and possibilities and my particular preferences will almost certainly not be the same as yours. And just because we may be attracted to someone we encounter, it doesn’t mean that we’ll get an overt sexual response; often, it’s just an emotional response that we experience – perhaps a smile or a gentle brush of the arm that makes us feel an emotional connection and good inside. And, as a theory, it also overcomes the flaws inherent in other theories. It doesn’t rely on prenatal oestrogen exposure, DNA or exhibition of feminine traits. It just relies on the same mechanisms of the mind that determine our preference for women or men, brunettes or blondes, caucasians or Asians and so on.
But the critical point here, and it’s a point that comes out in Lawrence’s writings, is that it doesn’t matter at all and a proportion of her subjects had transitioned to some degree and were far happier as a result. And why should it matter? We don’t try to analyse gay people and worry about why they have a particular attraction to others of the same sex and I’m sure that they don’t either. We all just accept that’s the way they are.
Needless to say, there’s a big problem here. Explanations based on birth conditions tend to legitimise us in the eyes of others, particularly if gender dysphoria is added to the mix. But an explanation based on self-attraction, particularly if it seen to have an erotic or fetishistic basis, gives us no such protection. I may declare that I do not experience any such responses but does society at large have the ability to understand the nuances at play here? Would those wonderful women who’ve been so welcoming and complimentary in their interactions with me have been quite so enthusiastic if they thought they were just being expected to participate in my fantasy? And are any of us ever going to admit to our wives that, to all intents and purposes, they’re in a competition for our affections even if that competition exists only in our subconscious?
And that’s my dilemma. I’m completely comfortable with the idea that Amanda is the embodiment of my preferences even though she happens to be me. I’m happy that I’ve found a viable explanation that seems to fit far better than anything else I’ve ever heard. I’m particularly proud that Amanda seems to be the sort of person that others warm to, something I can’t say is always a feature of my normal life. But at the time when we seek unconditional acceptance in society, I can well understand why this is a subject not to be discussed. That prenatal oestrogen bath, flawed though it is as a theory, is what gives us legitimacy; it tells the world that we’re this way through no fault of our own and we’re just trying to navigate life along the best path.
And as I bring this post to a close, I’m fully aware that I’ve got this far without identifying the ‘He’ in the title to this post by name. I was, of course, referring to Ray Blanchard, who developed the AGP theory and coined the term, and in the process became, alongside John Money, one of the most vilified people in the field of gender research. The omission of his name was deliberate as I wanted to give this whole subject a fair hearing without making what I’ve written any more controversial than some will feel it already is. But rather than going in completely the wrong direction, was his mistake to extrapolate his theory to eroticism (and by association fetishism) but, as I ask in the title to this post, was his thinking otherwise on the right lines? Think about it – we may encounter a woman who, for one reason or another we feel a deep attraction to. But that doesn’t imply an immediate physical response or we start, for want of a better expression, mentally undressing her. Our response is an emotional involuntary ‘feelgood’ one and, to my mind, had he stopped there he’d have far more people onside.
So am I declaring that we’re all autogynephiles? Absolutely not because the truth is that I can no more prove that it’s the right answer than I can disprove any of the other theories. But I can declare that it comes closer to explaining my situation than any other explanation I’ve ever come across. I started this post by replaying my question as to which side of the mirror I’m focussed on – the attraction of seeing Amanda or being her? But AGP theory unifies those with the transvestic & anatomic elements correlating to seeing her and the behavioural & physiological elements driving the sense of self – different branches of the same tree so to speak. So if you’re looking for answers and, like me, found other explanations flawed or somewhat lacking, it’s worth at least giving it a fair hearing. In the end, we’re dealing with the complexities of the human mind and we can only ever explain its workings and consequences with opinions and theories.
But that said, do we really need to know why we are the way we are? It certainly doesn’t cross my mind when I look in the mirror or step into the outside world. If I feel good about myself, something that eluded me for so long, I want to enjoy the moment, not try to psychoanalyse myself. I want the satisfaction of knowing that I am worthy of stepping into the feminine world, not the uncertainty of wondering whether it’s acceptable to look at myself with an approving eye. I want people to look at me with a degree of approval at the effort I have made, not disapproval for something that’s outside my control. But I have to confess that just a small part of me has a sense of relief that I seem to have stumbled on a compelling answer to the question that has plagued me for half a century.
17 Responses
Amanda,
AGP was first suggested to me as an explanation by a GG who contributed in CDers.com . Again the debate became heated , the problem being Blanchard got so much of it wrong , his attitude was if you think I’ve got it wrong then go prove it , several names came up for those who did go further to prove him right or wrong . One guy( Dr. Mike ? ) I contacted appeared to be on a different planet but Anne Lawrence was very helpful , we had several Email conversations . The one aspect Blanchard got wrong was he dealt only with transexuals , in fact much of the information I received from Anne was similar until I pointed out that they hadn’t described AGP with transgender people , she then sent 14 pages describing just that issue , from that point I knew it described my situation . AGP can manifest itself in many ways , simply enjoying female pastimes is enough for some people .
Again just to suggest an alternative to being transgender , ( a moderator became very annoyed with me for using ” transgenderism” , apparently there is no such word ! ) I personally accept that our development in the womb is basically along female lines until the brain is instructed to deviate to male , we may have the right ( or wrong ) physical parts but our brains don’t always recognise the physical reality and continue to think we are female , this explains why identical twins aren’t affected in the same way . It did also makes me consider if the twins were male and female , is the female affected in the same way during pregnancy ? Lets not forget women also struggle with dysphoria .
As you may be aware Autogynephilia translates as to love yourself as a woman , which may explain why most of us are mesmerised by our female image in the mirror , women are usually more narcistic than men , that’s why the fashion and beauty sector it worth so much , women love to dress up and look good .
Do I love myself as a woman ? I can answer that in two ways , I do not like how I look as a man , at the same time I can understand how women have good days and bad with their looks , sometime I think wow you look great this morning but if I haven’t slept well I don’t totally convince myself . The cure for that is a bit of retail therapy , even if it’s something picked up from a charity shop .
I guess all this brings us back to boxes and labels , sorry to repeat myself but so much changed when I went full time , up to that point I been to counselling and accepted the labels and subsequent boxes I was placed in . I’d found enough help to decide what road I was going to take , I’d walked out my front door as Teresa , that was the only label I needed to face the world .
Teresa, thank you for your real-world experience & insight into this.
What I find particularly compelling about the concept of AGP (but not the over-reliance on a linkage to eroticism/fetishism) is that it unifies the what were previously and probably deliberately separate ideas of crossdressing/transvestism and transgenderism. It’s just determined, for any individual, on the mix of the different elements – for example for me, the transvestic and behavioural elements are strong, anatomic weak and physiologic non existent but for others it’s completely different. And, of course, it absolves us from any responsibility to justify why we are the way we are in the same way that we don’t have to justify other preferences in life, they’re just a part of who we are.
Personally, I think it’s a real shame that it’s not more acceptable as a theory although I understand why it’s not. Even the watered down version that I tried to describe in the post can be perceived as seeking privilege through preference and that’s at the foundation of the pushback we are now seeing on both sides of The Atlantic.
In the end, I can only declare it robust as an explanation as it relates to me. Finally being able to identify what is driving all of this in me has enabled me to feel far more comfortable about who and what I am and lose the guilt that has accompanied thoughts that I’d date myself if things were different!
Amanda,
Much of this is hard to prove or disprove , accepting what makes us tick as individuals is fundamental in coming to terms with being transgender , what other people think may work for them but it may not work for you . In this field the so called experts/professionals are dealing with the situation second hand especially if they’re not transgender themselves , we are the experts they can only form their opinions from our experiences .
Absolving ourselves from any responsibility isn’t what the supporters of the Supreme court ruling want to hear , your point is so important because it’s something they don’t understand or something they conveniently choose to ignore .
Terri, the only thing I’d disagree with is your assertion that ‘much’ of this is hard to prove or disprove – in my view, all of it is!!
And your point about ‘experts’ is well made – we can argue that Blanchard is an expert given the amount of research that he has undertaken but many would beg to differ on that point. And that’s really the problem with any opinion-led discipline where we’re looking for ‘best fit’ solutions, particularly where opinion can be shaped by ideology – that HRT will lead to breast growth and fat redistribution is scientific fact, whether it’s an appropriate treatment for a particular individual is opinion led.
What I found encouraging about Anne Lawrence’s writings is that she effectively deals with one of the biggest issues with the whole AGP idea was the fear that it would undermine transgender status. Some of her respondents had stated that they had hidden their autogynephilic tendencies from their therapist to avoid them not being seen as genuine TG but there was also evidence firstly is that it is now being treated increasingly seriously and secondly that it should not be a barrier to proceeding down a transition path if that is the right answer for a particular individual.
Amanda , well written, as you know me , I have researched this for 60 years, in the end it’s different for all of us , enjoy the Blessings in life you have and keep going as well as growing
Susie
Susie, thank you – your vote of confidence means a lot.
Mandy,
Do I want to date the woman in the mirror? Yes, because I want to make ‘her’ look similar to what the way I find women attractive, it what I like. Why not for me?
Life has thrown me many curve balls were the best course of action has been feminine. Once those boundaries were breached, more came tumbling down.
Cali
Cali, thank you for sharing your views.
I think the biggest tragedy in all of this is that we’re not supposed to like what we see in the mirror even to the point where anyone who makes that admission has no legitimacy. To my mind, liking what I see in the mirror is firstly confirmation that I’m doing it right and secondly, and if that bar is reached, unavoidable given that under it all, I’m a heterosexual male.
In the end, what matters is our happiness, not judgement on whether the means we achieve that is legitimate or not.
Hell Amanda, can we just stick to our discussions on American politics because it’s so much easier to figure out than this topic (yes I’m still here Kandi).
Personally, (and please note that word given what follows) on this subject, I don’t give a toss. I don’t want to over-analyze it (very unlike me …), feel guilty about it, or worry about why. My Maddie time is precious and I enjoy every moment of it. And I don’t have time to think about whether I’d be attracted to someone who looks like me, I just want to develop a look that is feminine and one I’m proud to show in public. That look evolves; the photos I’ve shown you recently Amanda are so far past any here in my articles that it’s almost a different person, almost getting to your level of presentation … What I’m developing isn’t about what attracts me but rather working within my six-decade physical limitations to get the best feminine appearance I can. Like everyone here, my skills have improved over time and that thankfully reflects back from the mirror. What does attract me about the person in the mirror is the much better human I see due to one amazing woman I was sensible enough to marry. I find myself helping others more, being more tolerant (but only to a point) and generally being much happier, to the stage where I’m at the peak of contentment in my life. Which, considering some of the things I’ve been fortunate to do, is saying something. I don’t only need to be wearing makeup to see that in the mirror, and I’m counting on that happiness making me healthier for longer.
And it does seem to rub off on others; I have an awesome team of girls headed by my unbelievably incredible wife who encourages and supports without boundaries. A week or so ago I had lunch with my hair stylist who, when given both options, chose to do so with Maddie. On Monday our brow girl is taking Maddie shopping to show her tricks for getting lots of cosmetic test pots. The following weekend the girls group are doing a Latin-themed girl’s night at our makeup artist’s house. The previous iteration, a cocktail-infused night at our place, was a revelation in what girls talk about after a few drinks. Wow did I learn some stuff … It was such a fun night. Then, at my darling’s request (how good is that …) we are doing a girl’s night movie and bubbles a week later. These are woman who are happy to spend time with me as friends, in either appearance.
And that acceptance from those important to me, because of the person I’ve become, is what attracts me to the vision in the mirror.
Mind you with the red dress I’ve sourced for girl’s night, the rose earrings, the heels and the right makeup, the vision in the mirror might actually look pretty hot; I might want to take her home, and I may have to cancel everything I’ve just said!
Nah, there’s only one woman I want to take home …
BTW Amanda, and no disrespect to any others here who will undoubtedly agree anyway, your writings remain the best on KL by some margin …
Maddie, thank you for the vote of confidence!
I guess my question back to you is, to your point ‘… to get the best feminine appearance I can’, what standards of feminine appearance are you applying and how do you judge your success? That’s not to say that I disagree with you and, in fact, I see a large correlation with my own views and as I said in the post, given that under all of the ‘glamour’, we’re heterosexual males, it’s almost inevitable that we judge ourselves in the same way that we judge women in general.
The real point here, though, is that what causes this trait in us only matters if we want it to matter and that’s where we perhaps diverge, not because we have different views (and the truth is that our views are very similar) but because we operate in different environments – yours fully supportive, mine barely supportive. But even that has proved problematic in my case; blaming DES meant that I could tell Mrs A that all of this was completely out of my control and attributable to my mother but explaining it as a form of attraction opens up all sorts of cans of worms that I’d rather keep firmly closed.
And perhaps in the knowledge of the challenges I knew were coming with this side of me, finding a plausible explanation is the obvious first step in figuring out a strategy for managing it when the time comes. Of course it’s a double edged sword because with that understanding came the realisation that it’s baked into me and the needs aren’t going to go away.
Success is easy to measure Amanda! 1. When I look in the mirror and see a makeup result that is the equivalent of what the pros do on me. 2. When I send pics to my darling or my girls and their first comment is on my smile in every photo (happened today too) 3. When I organise lunch with one of my girls, and to the question do you want to go out with Maddie or male me the answer is Maddie. I sat with her in a completely packed cafe. That was an experience and a whole new level to reach! And then when another of the girls offers to take Maddie out shopping, I’d say that’s success too. But hey, I’m also 65 years of realistic …
about the only thing not mentioned to a great degree is that the medical experts say we have a mental disorder i.e labled gender dysphoria. As I age I’ve developed the attitude that I don’t want to beat the subject to death—better to just live with it and enjoy it.
Do agree that there always has been a degree of euphoria when presenting as a woman.
So why not stop worrying it to death and opt for some more euphoria?
Emily, thanks for sharing your views – ultimately, we’re individuals and need to live life within our own parameters. As I said in the reply immediately above, the ongoing challenges I face living this side of my life have meant that I have looked for answers that may hold sway with Mrs A. Sadly, whilst I feel satisfied that I can explain why I am the way I am to a far greater extent than any other theories I have seen, it’s not a concept that will sit well with most wives, Mrs A included.
Emily ,
When I started on the counselling / therapy road my (ex) wife was hoping that I was seeking a cure , gender dysphoria isn’t an illness so there is no cure all we can do is find ways to deal and live with it . The fact that It didn’t return home with a medical cure and then added we can only work through this to find a solution with counselling fell on deaf ears .
Maddie ,
Acceptance is almost the Holy Grail , I have witnessed so many in a desperate state because they feel trapped and totally alone . Like Amanda I searched so many avenues to to find a peaceful outcome , sometimes we may appear to be clutching at straws in the hope of finding the answers . BUT we never gave up and nor should we ever do so , giving in to the wishes of others has no long term future .
I wouldn’t be where I am now without discovering what made me tick . Unlike you I had to make the final journey totally alone , I had to divorce and build a new life and in doing so I had to gain total acceptance with society .There were no safety nets , no plan B especially after I officially changed my name , I cannot forget the stages I had to battle through , I cannot forget all the people that helped me . You may feel some of the information is suspect BUT the important point is to get out there and seek help because talking is the best therapy there is , only when you talk can you begin to accept the truth about yourself .
Acceptance is relative to where we think we are on the perceived scale, and what the desired outcome is Teresa, and let me tell you, my outcome will never be anything like yours!!! That’s not a bad thing, just our respective endpoints are different. My journey is at an end and I’m living it! And I plan to do that for as long as possible. I could walk away from this tomorrow. I won’t, don’t want to, and completely love my Maddie time, but unlike many I have no desire to live full time. I protect my male side and also my darling’s secrecy. And yes, there could always be an accident, but we do everything we can to mitigate that to our best ability. She recently suggested a Maddie movie night. That’s booked, but a few suburbs away from home. If we are out with the group she and I are separated.
I completely appreciate my good fortune. I will never take it for granted, and so to that end, I decided to share my good luck. Until just a few weeks ago I had never sat with another crossdresser or sought out their company. However I let a local group know how good my MUA is. There’s a bigger plan – she and I are working toward building a full transformation service. So far there have been two individual clients and a night where we did a group lesson for eight. To be honest, I’ve enjoyed them all, even though I was the working photographer. For the group one I was dressed (I know you will particularly appreciate that Teresa, being your former profession). The first makeover was a very special day for me. The client has a far more difficult home situation than Amanda. This makeover was to be her first, last, and then followed by a purge. Well, I could appreciate the look on her face and tears in her eyes when the wig went on and she turned to the mirror. I’d sat in that same chair with the same result … Purging was off, the photo session went incredibly well, and she has just emailed me yesterday to say she has booked another makeover. She is someone at the opposite end of the spectrum to me, and to see what happened on that day was quite moving. What was really sad though, which the MUA and I discussed at length afterwards, was to see someone so unhappy in their life when they could truly be themselves in other circumstances. Actually she not only got a makeover and photos but free counselling! Hopefully she is now a bit less screwed and a bit more understanding of what could be! The fact there is a second booking suggests she may be on a bit of a journey. I hope so. It has been great to be part of that.
Maddie,
I really hope your transformation service works out , I know from experience that CD/transgender groups are very variable , I’m sure you’ll find it’s a limited market BUT a very useful one . Giving people the time and the chance to transform is a huge confidence boost , at the start it’s very hard to believe in yourself . Most people soon realise that a few badly fitting clothes and no knowledge of makeup application and the wrong wig choice can be soul destroying . They view others with envy almost believing they live on another planet , I’ve been there and experienced those emotions thinking I would never walk in their shoes . That is the main reason why I joined Kandi’s Land , to prove you should never give up , you can bring your dreams to life .
Well said Teresa. For us it is just an add-on service to her existing makeup and skincare business which is being developed because she genuinely cares and wants to help. An example of that was the first time I contacted her when I was looking for another MUA, and she not only wanted to help but also offered her services for free because she cared. Of course I didn’t let her do that and it has cost me a fortune since, but I’ve also now gained one of my closest friends. She has some amazing dressing skills and her ability to accessorise is impressive. That is something I’d already learnt from our shopping trips together.
So I totally get what you are saying. The best part is that I’m loving watching others bring their dreams to life; not a position I would ever thought I would have found myself in. And to bring it back to the topic of Amanda’s, as usual, well written article, they can then all have their own turn at looking at the reflection in the mirror and figuring the AGP thing out for themselves!