Let’s talk about this journey of mine. I’ve mentioned this a few times, but let me see if I can describe it differently.
I’ve spent most of my life on the yang side—the masculine energy—growing up as a guy, serving in the Marines, and eventually becoming a sergeant. But inside, there’s always been this yin-yang balance of male and female energies that we all carry in varying degrees. Some people are 100% one way, others 90-10, or even 50-50.
Everyone’s mix is different. It’s not about one side winning; it’s about which one becomes more dominant at certain points in life.
As a teenage boy in the early ‘70s, I found it all very confusing. I’d see a woman and feel an instant physical attraction. At the same time, I’d wonder what it was like to be her—putting myself in her position, imagining her experiences. It was a deep admiration for women, almost like envy. My parents were religious, so these feelings clashed with my upbringing and left me conflicted.
Around 15 or 16, an incident really highlighted that inner struggle. I was roughhousing with my sister, wearing pantyhose under my jeans. There was a rip in the jeans, and she noticed the hose. She asked what it was, and I panicked, said “nothing,” and rushed to my room to take them off. I never tried anything like that again. The shame from my conditioned sense of right and wrong was overwhelming, so I buried those thoughts completely for about 45 years.
I went through the Marines without those feelings resurfacing. Then, in 2019, at a Halloween party, my wife dressed me as a woman. I was nervous and tried to back out, but I went through with it for her sake. I had an amazing time, which made me start questioning why. It brought back memories of my adolescent curiosity about feeling female.
That’s when my female side began to emerge, like a seed that had been germinating quietly.
I nurtured it—trying more clothes, exploring feminine aspects—and it grew stronger, becoming the dominant force. It wasn’t that I felt like a woman trapped in a man’s body, as some describe. For me, it was a choice after 60 years of the male side leading.
I decided I’d rather live as female, and at 64, I started my transition. The rest is history. That’s the essence of this yin-yang dynamic—we all have both sides, and sometimes one waits its turn to take the lead.
Dr. Gwen Patrone
One Response
Gwen,
I can relate very clearly to that feeling if partly finding a woman attractive and part of me thinking I want to share her experience , wanting to be her . When i told my wife in my forties I felt so close to her almost as if I’d fallen in love with all over again . I really hoped we could share common felings of feminity , also sharing her clothes felt so intimate with her . Those feelings were soon shattered , the DADT wall went up and I was back even deeper in the closet .
During my childhood I had recuring dreams of being forced to dress and then being dressed with a woman so I couldn’t escape . I asked my gender counsellor about these dreams , she asked colleages for their thoughts and came back with the explanation that my female side was stroger than my male side so it would eventually take over . YEP ! She was right .
So now there is no YIN it’s all YANG .