Way Down The Rabbit Hole

I am not going to lie. I am in what I will call my “holiday” space. During Decembers, I have very little to do. That has almost always resulted in my just falling down the girl rabbit hole. You saw this with the boudoir shoot. You have seen similar such events after the holidays in my checkered history.

I now have plenty of free time. As you will see here, I am using that time to be such a girl! I am in a bra now almost 24/7, regardless of attire and what I am doing. I never wear one when it is obvious in male mode but generally find a way and will make a few purchases to make sure I am appropriately underdressed always. And when I am home alone lately, I am dressed (sans makeup). I am currently sitting here, e-mailing, creating, writing, in a cute little purple dress. I’ll get dinner started and change into something less obvious when my wife comes home. I am never “in her face” about it, but there are times there is no secret that I have the girls up and running.

April 24, 2024, free time and an 80-degree day. Hmmm, beach time! My body is in pretty good bikini shape, and I simply want to walk a beach without care, in a bikini. I believe this is the absolute best “don’t give a shit” thing I can do. No real story, so we’ll provide photographic evidence of said rabbit hole. Not too bad down there…

I had no human interaction with the exception of picking up a prescription for my wife. I have talked about my friend Renee at the CVS, and she lit up when I walked up to the register. During the transaction, she told me I looked cute (I was wearing my Helen Reddy shirt, “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar!”) and said I obviously work out (I do, and I did this very morning, well every day of my life).

Doesn’t she look happy?

The following day, April 25, 2025, was the volunteer appreciation even at The Cleveland Museum of Art. This pleased me on so many levels. First, it started at 4:00, yay! I was able to really dress well and know that I would be appreciated for it. I cannot tell you how many lovely compliments I received! I was there for the entirety of the event, about two and a half hours, and it seemed like 5 minutes. I had lengthy conversations with so many of my fellow volunteers. There, in that space, I was nothing other than a woman, a lovely woman, in the eyes of everyone there. I get chills now just thinking about my being able to achieve this, knowing where I came from in this process.

On the way to the museum, I had to get my car’s e-check, so why not do that in a dress! All the workers there simply and quite easily referred to me as ma’am. All kind to me and smiling. Then a quick stop at a restaurant because I had to pee and because I needed to kill about a half hour. The shoes you see below are from my dear friend, Cristy. She brought them to Keystone and the heels broke. She didn’t want to take them back to Guatemala, so she gave them to me. I got them repaired and let’s just say, they are not easy to navigate. The new heel tips were a bit slippery, so I had to navigate things carefully.

Here are the photos from that day, photos that fill me with joy, pride and a great feeling of love and acceptance.

These are days one and two of a planned four day run. These days always bring that toxic cocktail of both amazing joy and the lingering feeling of doubt, what am I doing, why am I like this, shouldn’t I spend my time in a more productive capacity. That last feeling, I am sure many of you don’t understand why I have it. Now having literally been a one-person business since 2004, having to find ways to generate revenues each and every day, having doors open for me, close on me, having to deal with my legal troubles, throwing curveballs at me, then being removed from my life for over two years and then having to start all over again, this time with a felony record, all has combined to create this mindset. A mindset out of necessity, a mindset that will never leave me.

Doesn’t she look happy, though?