A Different Perspective

The question of whether CDers should enter women’s spaces has cropped up in a couple of my recent posts here.  Whilst I don’t fear entering women-only spaces such as toilets & shop fitting rooms and have done so several times without issue, more recently I have felt conflicted on the whole thing, on the one hand feeling emboldened by the acceptance I have experienced but on the other wanting to respect women-only spaces which were so designated for a reason.  Particularly in the UK where I live, people are often reticent to voice their concerns but that doesn’t mean that they don’t have them and the last thing I want to do is to make anyone feel uncomfortable.  I was therefore particularly interested to read a woman’s view on the whole issue.

By way of background, I am a member of a small closed group of gender variant individuals ranging from CDers like me to several who are transitioning, some via HRT and, in one case, surgery.  But apart from all of us, there’s one more member – a natal woman whose husband is a CDer (the husband is not a participant in the forum) – I’ll refer to her as ‘S’ from now on.  To say that she’s an ally to the cause is an understatement – she’s supportive of the trans movement in general and all of us in particular.  She shares in the celebration of our highs and is always happy to offer gentle guidance to help us navigate the world we aspire to belong to.  She’s been particularly insightful on the whole issue of managing CDing within a marriage, not least because she struggled when her husband first confessed to her but eventually found it within herself to accept and support him.

One of the forum members recently highlighted an article in ‘Cosmopolitan’ in which the issue of the opening of a women-only gym where transwomen were excluded was discussed – you can read the article – Excluding trans women from a female-only gym reinforces narrow ideals of womanhood’ here.

Now, before I go on, I want to stress that I don’t intend to debate the validity or otherwise of either the article itself or the underlying issues concerning the gym.  We’re all entitled to have our own beliefs & opinions but trying to either impose those on others or get others to change their beliefs is ultimately fruitless.  

What was interesting though was what followed on the forum.  A couple of members immediately endorsed the views in the article reinforcing their endorsement with their own views.  And then S joined the discussion with the following:

“This is my take on trans-women in female spaces.

I don’t think the average female “takes notice of” or “pays attention” to the trans-world. I know that it may be hard to believe but, many women don’t have any trans-women in their little sphere (places they go around their immediate area – work, store, restaurants). The few trans-women that I see in my area are kind of on the creepy side (men wearing dresses with beards and motorcycle boots, talking to themselves). So, a trans-woman in a women’s locker room (as an example) would freak women out as seeing a man trying to be in the women’s private space for whatever reason. Women just don’t see that many, if any, trans-women.

All of you on this forum look like you pay attention to how you present yourselves out in the world, you look like women, you act like women, and I don’t think that would bother anyone that I know to see you out and about. Most wouldn’t give you a second notice. But you must realize that not all trans-women look, act, or talk like women, and women don’t really care to share private space with them.

The average woman doesn’t know who is or who isn’t on female hormones, they immediately think “creeper” if they give off a man vibe. They don’t know whose libido is low nor do they care. 

I work out every day and change in the locker room, so I hear how women talk and think. 

So sorry for the way things are. You can’t control how women think about you until or unless they get to know you. Then I’m sure that they would be comfortable. 

I doubt it would be safe for any trans-women to be in the men’s locker room either. You would not feel safe there. But that’s the vibe women get from trans-women, they are just unsure.

So, I know you are not a threat, you know you aren’t a threat, but a woman who has been suspicious (as a safety mechanism), who has been raised to be wary of certain things all of her life, is going to be nervous. 

You will just have to gain trust and until then, realize not all women are going to embrace your presence in a women’s private space.”

I have to confess that after pasting that into the draft of this post, I looked at the screen for the best part of ten minutes trying to think of something profound to say.  But how do you follow such an insightful, honest and balanced view of the world in which we seek acceptance?  Further explanation is certainly unnecessary, so clear is the way that S set out the situation.  It’s impossible to argue with anything she said because these were not the thoughts of someone trying to make an anti-trans viewpoint somehow palatable.  These were the words of an ally spoken not to put us down but to gently explain the less positive aspects of a world that we seek to enter but she inhabits by birthright.

As with many things in life, we ignore sage advice at our peril.  I recently wrote about my misgivings about using women’s changing rooms to try on clothes in shops (A Question of Acceptance – 2 – Second Thoughts (https://kandis-land.com/a-question-of-acceptance-2-second-thoughts)) and the general consensus in the comments was that I was overthinking things and maybe I was.  My misgivings were not as a result of hostility from any other user, in fact the only other customer I encountered while in the space either didn’t notice or didn’t care and was very polite when she realised she was blocking my view in the mirror, but from a nagging feeling that not everyone would be completely fine with my presence and I had no way of knowing who fell into that category.  

But a more inconvenient truth that comes across in S’s words is that we are viewed as different.  We can self-identify however we wish but, equally, others are free to identify us however they wish.  And the reality here is that our assertion that we identify as a woman is meaningless if others don’t see us in the same way.  But the message here isn’t ‘get out and stay out’, it’s just ‘tread carefully’ because acceptance has to be earned, not taken for granted.

And that presents us  with a genuine dilemma.  Should we respect that whether we like it or not, women-only spaces have been so designated for a reason and it is not up to us to redefine who can and cannot use those spaces to suit our own purposes?  Or do we have a responsibility to demonstrate that we are not the threat that some may fear us to be and set out to win hearts and minds, one encounter at a time?  And even if we take the latter stance, are we really winning over hearts and minds or just, for want of a better expression, negotiating a pass solely for ourselves as individuals?

To me, that question is important.  S raises the issue of ‘men wearing dresses with beards’ and in the discussion that followed, another member of the group observed that they are damaging to our cause and I am inclined to agree.  They of course are an extreme example and whilst we may not place them in the same category as ourselves, the rest of society may not make that distinction.  And that then raises the question as to where do we draw the line (and also whether we have any right to draw a line in the first place)?  What about a transwoman with male pattern baldness that chooses not to wear a wig?  Or the flamboyant CD who dresses in a way that screams ‘sex worker’?  Or the CDer who wears just a dress and a cheap wig without makeup, not because they’re trying to make a point but because they lack the resources and knowhow to go any further?  We can argue that they draw attention to themselves and, by association, the CD/TG community as a whole but does their failure to meet our standards, either through intent or through necessity, strip them of the right to live as they want to live and make them any less worthy of respect?

The sad truth is that society is inherently unfair.  It’s sad that height, build or facial features mean that some in our position will always be seen for what they are and experience discrimination as a result.  It’s sad that some people lack the resources and support to be able to get their transformations to a level that others will not notice them and will perhaps experience scorn or ridicule as a result.   It’s sad that those who seek to live an honest life are tarred with the same brush as others who see the whole thing as a self-indulgent game.  But that’s the world we live in.

So what is the message here?  The simple answer is to understand that not everyone sees us in the same way that we see ourselves.  We can protest that we identify as a woman or declare that we’ve always been a woman but that counts for nothing if others view us differently.  But as I said above, we ignore sage advice at our peril.  What’s important about this piece of advice is it neither tells us to keep clear nor to enter with impunity.  It just gives us a perspective on which to base our own decisions, a perspective which under normal circumstances is almost impossible for us to hear.

I’ve always looked on acceptance of me as conditional.  It’s conditional on how I look – get it wrong and I have no doubt that it’ll only be a matter of time before I hear ‘that was a guy’ exclaimed by someone I’ve just walked past.  It’s conditional on where I am – the waitress who paid me such a nice compliment during a recent hotel stay may well have not been so willing to engage if our encounter had been in the local gym changing room rather than the hotel restaurant.  It’s conditional on how I act – any indication that I am not ‘all in’ and I suspect that the warmth I experience from those I interact with will just evaporate.  But in saying that, I have to accept that even if I get everything 100% right, acceptance may still not be forthcoming.  In and amongst all of the wonderful encounters I’ve had are a few where I’ve sensed that all was not well – the businesslike but emotionless shop assistant, a smirk from a passer-by, a scowl from a fellow shopper.  Perhaps I should be grateful that British reserve prevented those particular situations from escalating and were soon pushed to the back of my mind but they did serve as a reminder that our acceptance is not universal and not guaranteed.  But I also like to think that even if there’s immediate disapproval or scorn, the needle is moved a little bit in the right direction – maybe those people had never seen someone like me before and perhaps next time they encounter a trans person, they’ll think ‘there’s another one’ rather than ‘look at the state of that!’.  Rome wasn’t built in a day and the sad truth is that most of us won’t live long enough to see universal widespread acceptance of us as we aspire to be accepted but every encounter we have can help the cause, even if we sense that all was not well.  Those who went before us had to endure far worse than we can ever imagine and we owe them a huge debt of gratitude for paving the way for the widespread acceptance we experience now..

It’s a wonderful experience to sense that we’re being accepted for who we are.  It’s our reward for all of the anxieties & frustrations that we experience and the hard work & effort we put into being the best version of womanhood we can possibly be.  And whilst S’s words inevitably ring warning bells that our acceptance into the feminine world may not be as straightforward as we thought it was, they also offer reassurance that the smiles & warmth we experience suggest that we’re at least on the right track.

There is something quite beautiful about life in our world.  Superficially, of course, it’s seeing the inner woman emerge in a form that we once thought was beyond our wildest dreams.  But far more beautiful as far as I’m concerned is being able to experience life in the feminine world firsthand – particularly the platonic closeness that could never happen when we present male due to the ever present threat of sexual overtones inherent in close encounters of the heterosexual kind.  And reading S’s words will make me cherish those interactions even more because they demonstrate not only that I am being accepted but, more importantly, that I am being trusted.  And to me, there’s no greater compliment than that.