By Amanda J.
My last post started with a declaration that I’m not a woman and ended with me declaring that I was ‘messed up’ with a lack of opportunity, boredom with mindless CDing, increasing guilt & concern about the whole thing and a growing feeling that I no longer belonged causing me to walk away from all things feminine and concentrate on my male life.
But despite walking away, I was still looking at my photos from time to time and remained fascinated by the floozy with the stilettos and too much eyeliner. She was, after all, the embodiment of all my wishes and dreams since I first CDed as a teenager. Moreover, whereas once she was just pure fantasy, over the previous couple of years, I’d taken her out of the closet and into the real world where she’d passed unnoticed by most and been received with warmth by the few with whom she interacted. That had to count for something, but I needed to figure out exactly what was going on.
The answer came from Kandi’s Land.
I enjoy reading Nora’s Transliving interviews when links are posted here and, quite a while ago, after reading the subject of that day’s particular post, had a look at her other interviews on the Transliving website and came across one in particular and such was the resonance it had with me that I started writing a post which would have been a deep dive into the similarities I saw between the interviewee’s life and my own. Unfortunately, things started to go off the rails for me before that post ever got to a point where it was ready to see the light of day but, coincidentally, in the early part of 2025, the interview was posted here – the subject was Linda Mills who talked about being ‘bigender’ with a couple of Nora’s questions evoking a response which could very easily have come from my mouth:
Q: What triggers your gender change?
A: I could be triggered when seeing a woman whose appearance I admire and wish to emulate, or when I feel female camaraderie talking with another woman. Sometimes a visual cue is not necessary. For example, it is Linda answering these questions. When done, David may emerge. I’ve also learned to trigger gender-change intentionally…
Q: What happens when Linda needs to express herself but cannot?
A: I’ve learned to internalise and hide my feelings. It’s incredibly sad to have to do this but it is necessary for survival. As no one can read my mind, I simply blend in.
Fascinated, I followed the link to her website where amongst the wisdom she shares, this particular point stands out:
‘when I present as a boy, I act like (what I have come to understand) a boy acts like, and I feel fairly comfortable being treated as such. And I feel exactly the same when it comes to presenting as a girl. In other words, I feel more masculine sometimes, and tend to comfortably assume a masculine persona, and the same goes for my feminine persona.’
If you haven’t already done so, I urge you to visit Linda’s website and read what she has to say; it’s a truly fascinating insight and may help you rationalise your own situation as it did with me.
Now I have to stress that despite Linda’s situation resonating so much with me, I’m going to stop short of declaring that I’m bigender, not least because I don’t particularly like compartmentalising things with labels and also because I’m not entirely convinced that that particular label applies to me. What was important to me was the realisation that it was OK to sometimes want to transform myself into the best image of a woman that I can possibly be – and to live within, and be recognised as, that gender by others – without that being at the cost of being completely comfortable with my male side too.
And it was perhaps that realisation that more than anything reignited my male ‘mojo’ prompting me to pick up my tools and get stuck in to sorting jobs around the house that had been long neglected. And whilst I often thought about my feminine side and looked at my photos from time to time, the increasing prominence, acceptance and liking of my male side meant that I was largely able to cope without the CDing which had previously been a weekly, and sometimes several times a week, activity.
But whereas I had a lot in common with Linda, there were areas of divergence too. Whilst she talks of the coexistence of her two sides, I started to find that there was a divide between my male and female sides which, while it had previously narrowed to almost nothing, was now widening and I was watching the widening of the gap from the male side. In metaphorical terms, it was something like standing on a quayside and watching a ship sail away. I was happy standing on the quay as it steamed away but a part of me was still telling me that I should be on that ship.
But if I was to get back on that ship before it was too late, on what basis?
I’ve already declared that I’m not a woman in any shape or form. I wasn’t ‘assigned male at birth’, I became male at the moment of conception and have been so ever since. My pronouns are blindingly obvious and, as far as I am aware, every single cell in my body carries the XY chromosomal combination. There is no ambiguity, no element of doubt. And yet when I do cross the gender divide, it’s like a switch is flicked (another concept that Linda talked about on her website).
That’s quite an interesting concept and manifests itself to me in two ways. Firstly, there are the traits that can exist in both worlds but only exist in my feminine world – for example, although I could wear male oriented jewellery in my normal life, my male side has no interest in it other than the wedding ring I constantly wear as a mark of my commitment to Mrs A; my female side, on the other hand, wears the full range – bracelets, necklaces, earrings, rings. And secondly, there are things firmly sitting in the female world – my male side has no interest in going through endless rails of dresses but, when that switch is flicked, I’m happy to spend time looking at items, perhaps even holding them against me to see whether they’d look good on me (probably not but a girl can dream).
And whilst I’m under no illusion that I ‘pass’ in every situation (or indeed in any situation), I love being conscious that many who see me may not realise what lies beneath the feminine veneer and those that do will hopefully not just see me as a bloke in a dress. Above all, I show my respect for women by doing the best I can to conform to what is expected by, and of, them in their world, whether it’s through the way I dress or the way I act when out and about. But in saying that, I know there are boundaries and I take the utmost care not to cross them – women have fought long and hard for their rights and it’s up to them to invite me into their world, not for me to demand it. And whilst I like to think I am worthy of that invitation, I would never dream of taking it for granted and I certainly never want anyone to feel threatened by my mere presence, no matter how groundless their fears may be. And as I pondered the basis on which I wanted to move forward, I realised that it was to be the ‘real deal’ as far as I could be. And by ‘real deal’ I don’t mean to delude myself that I’m a real woman but rather to be open and honest about how I inhabit that world – a gender variant male seeking acceptance and not just a deluded old man treating it as an opportunity to play ‘dress up’ or ‘let’s pretend’.
To bring this to a close, as I considered Amanda’s evolution over the past few years, it struck me how far I’d come. If a crossdresser is just someone who wears clothes of the opposite gender, I’d gone a lot further than that. Even as I considered my few forays into the outside world, I realised that I’d gone from someone doing it for a dare (albeit a dare that was issued to me by me) to someone who enjoyed behaving as, and being seen as, a woman/transwoman. Of course, I’ve seen people do a double take or look at me & smirk from time to time and the sales assistants & baristas who have served me will have been in no doubt about my provenance but I have shared lifts/elevators with members of the public who have either not noticed me or smiled at me, maybe as a sign of acknowledgement and approval, maybe just because they were being friendly or having a good day. And not only that, I’ve enjoyed the buildup – getting dressed, putting on makeup and then a final check & collecting essentials before experiencing the euphoria of opening the front door and stepping out into the world. Whilst the mindlessness of CDing at home had outlived its usefulness, being seen as a woman in the outside world was something that I started to realise that I still need and, as things in my male life were now on a more even keel, my mind once again turned to my feminine side.
And ironically, or perhaps predictably, it was a statement by Linda Mills that proved to be prophetic so stay tuned for the third and final part of this trilogy of posts.
16 Responses
Amanda,
You never cease to amaze me.
You are a great writer of human psychology. The insight into the mind is so revealing and helpful.
While I write “puff pieces”, you write wonderful posts to help explain things.
I understand a lot of what you are thinking. Our lives have many similarities. I am here to support you in any way that you need.
Thank you for being exactly who you should be.
Love,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, thank you for your kind words – I do have my moments although ‘great writer’ is possibly overstating my abilities somewhat!
I enjoy reading what you play down as ‘puff pieces’ and a light hearted look at items of clothing which we all hold dear is just as important as a ‘deep dive’, perhaps more so because whilst I can only ever write about what I feel, fascination with nylons, heels et al is something that touches a nerve with all of us and gives the reassurance that we’re far from alone in that respect.
Clearly, there’s a theme in my more recent posts of trying to cope with – or come to terms with – a permanent change in circumstances and how this has affected my whole outlook. Life is strange – in the moment we live, we assume the status quo will be maintained for ever and whilst I knew that changes would occur at some stage, I was unprepared for their arrival and lack of forewarning. Even part 3 of this little trilogy has undergone rewrites as I’ve tried to rationalise my thoughts and will probably see a couple more before I bite the bullet and send it to Kandi.
For now, though, thank you as always for your support.
Amanda,
This is what is wonderful about Kandi’s Land, the ability to read different posts about very different topics.
Plus, we can all provide comments that support or enhance the writer’s thoughts.
Thank you for your feelings of importance regarding my humble offerings to this fabulous website.
I really hope you are very comfortable in your present home situation. Take care.
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, thank you. As you say, a range of viewpoints and perspectives is what makes this place such an important resource for the likes of us.
Amanda,
To take up the point about CDing in the home being worthless or lacking in depth , I know how that can feel as I’m sure many do but to shine a different light on that comment I was told be a moderator on an online CDing site that she knew of a transsexual who was on hormones and had undergone full surgery . Despite all that she remained fully in the closet , she had reached her goal and was still content to live in the security of her home . Sometimes I do feel we are a strange breed , on one hand fearing being outed and discovered and yet progressing where we could shout it from the rooftops .
I really liked your ” ship that sailed ” analogy , In my case I’m totally happy being fully onboard that vessel and watching the male figure grow smaller on the quay as I sail to new and exciting waters . Perhaps the question to ask yourself is under different circumstances is that what I really want ? All I can say to that question is it can work if the opportunity arises . The follow on question is what do I really fear losing , my contact with the male side or taking that male side from other people ? I guess I’ve been very lucky because I’ve done just that and been allowed to substitute a female side , so I’m not sailing alone I have shipmates to keep me company .
Amanda , the fact you state ” she’s back ” comes as no surprise , it is not a weakness but a strength of character . Whatever makes Amanda tick will never go away , as you point out it never totally leaves your thoughts but those thoughts just aren’t enough , she needs physical space to be HER and importantly she needs to be recognised . She is part of you and she is REAL , to not be Amanda sometimes is denying something basic inside you but then I believe you know that truth .
Teresa, thank you for sharing your thoughts. This latest chapter in my life is very much still a work in progress and a long way from being bottomed out. Without giving too much away regarding the final part of this trilogy, my thinking seems to be gravitating to a point where I don’t NEED ‘her’ in my life but, equally, don’t WANT her out of it. But in saying that, I’m acutely aware that things have a habit of changing; I’ve been battling this long enough to realise that whilst circumstances may make the inner woman dormant, she never goes away and can return with a vengeance at any time without warning.
Amanda,
Cali makes a good point about thinking of ” HIM vs HER ” . “SHE ” means you no harm so why seek to blame her ? It’s a battle that has to be resolved , I know the consequences if you try long term .
I see it like this , I live as a woman which I’m happier with , does that make me less of a man and more a woman ? Dealing with the internal strife meant I had to unite my thoughts so I now consider that I’m not living as a man but not totally as a woman , I live my life as Teresa which was finally resolved when I formally changed my name . Yes I was fulltime before that but everything I did in my daily life was still officially done in my male name . When people used to get heated with me telling me it’s not about the clothes , in that context they were right
As we progress through our (trans)gender journey we will fight more than one battle , it is frustrating as we feel we are progressing when we discover someone has moved the goalposts .
In the end, I think it depends on how we view ‘her’. Perhaps a good analogy is to consider disruption to a marriage. The husband works with a woman who is strikingly beautiful with a smile that lights up a room. Despite being committed to his marriage, he is smitten with her and whilst he has no intention of trying to forge a relationship with her, her mere existence distracts him to the degree that he becomes preoccupied & distant at home and the marriage suffers as a result. Now suppose that the husband works with a woman who is attractive but predatory. Again, he has no intention of trying to forge a relationship but finds it impossible to resist her overt advances and, again, preoccupation & guilt leads to the marriage suffering.
Clearly, the first woman is innocent – her only ‘crime’ is being a beautiful person but is it valid to blame the husband – in the end, he’s only experiencing an emotional reaction programmed into us since the dawn of time? In the second case, it’s more complex. Do we blame the man for not standing firm or the woman for exploiting the weakness of a man she knows to be married?
And bring it to my particular circumstances, is ‘Amanda’ akin to the first woman whose only crime is to be someone – or in this case, a facet of me – that I feel a deep connection with or is she more like the second ‘predatory’ wpman insomuch as she is leading me to do things that experience has proven are potentially destructive to my marriage and livelihood?
That’s perhaps a difficult question to answer but what I’ve come to realise is that providing I maintain a sense of perspective she can be the first woman. She’ll always be a distraction but there will be times when I have to keep her at arm’s length so that she doesn’t become predatory and lead me astray.
Amanda,
Perhaps your reply is throwing in too many aspects of the equation . I don’t believe it’s a problem of being good or bad , your know what is within you and yes she could be good or bad as most of us have experienced that . The battle appears to be with ACCEPTANCE , not solely by other people but within you , I do feel you’re asking questions that you haven’t resolved yourself , the basic one being what actually drives Amanda ?
Amanda,
I completely understand what you are dealing with. Years ago I grew tire of the “couple of hours ” here and there existence. And because of circumstances, it became rarer. Then circumstances changed, and over the years I needed to incorporate many things associated with ‘women’ into my life. I feel that I am bigender with a foot is both spheres. I understand your circumstances are different and bigender may not be you.
I think you need to stop thinking about it as ‘him’ vs. ‘her’ because ‘they’ play on the same team – you. ‘He’ is not going away and neither is ‘She’. I think you understand this ‘fact’.
Good luck on your journey.
Cali
Cali, thank you for sharing your thoughts. As you say, ultimately, we have to do what is right for us. No one pretends that any of this is easy but acceptance, rather than division, of our two sides makes life a whole lot easier.
Interesting post Amanda.
Linda is a friend of mine and I’m glad you found some insight into your situation be reading some of her writings. She is a good public speaker and has done a number of presentations about being bi-gender at various trans conferences and they have resonated with many people.
Looking forward to part three.
Fiona
Fiona, thank you and interesting that you know Linda well. There’s a lot of sense and wisdom on her website and, once again, I urge anyone reading this who has not yet taken a look to do so.
I don’t think you wrote it as such. Particularly in the days following the supreme court decision. This is a lovely balanced thought as to how we relate to women.
I’m very confused myself, I just need to read and understand the many angles to the way I am.
Your writing helps.
Sandra, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think we all have a degree of confusion about all of this so you’re definitely not alone. In the end, I don’t think any of us have much of a clue about what’s going on and there’s a danger of overthinking things – something I’m particuarly guilty of – and perhaps we should just accept that this is the way we are and enjoy the ride.
I like to share my thoughts with others, firstly because it helps me rationalise things but more importantly in the hope that it’ll help others in similar positions. I’m glad to hear that you’re one of those people.
Amanda, thank you for sharing your feeling as someone who has a feminine side to who you are. I see myself in what you have written, and you are a good writer. We all feel different about how express our feminine side and what it means to us. I love expressing myself as a woman. I enjoy myself, love looking and feeling pretty. I feel very comfortable and confident in my presentation. I am also comfortable expressing myself as David. I spend almost all of my time as a male, but it is so special when I get a chance to go out with friends as Julie.