The amazing Trish recently left me the following (edited) message:
Hi Kandi,
A mature CDH [editorial note: Crossdresser Heaven is CDH, a site I have been banned from, for calling BS on someone and I was 1,000% correct] friend of mine is having second thoughts of going out in public. She has been out though and is terribly afraid of being clocked. So who do you suppose sprang into my head? Yup, you’re right. It was you.I filled her in a bit on what you do and told her to google Kandi’s Land. Hopefully she does. Her name is XXX XXX. You have been an immense help to me so I hope she reaches out to you.
The amazing Trish
Getting clocked. The very first time I was out in public, in full Kandi mode, was in a mall in Detroit, January 2015. A number of teen age girls took a particular interest in walking past me. Guess what? Now remember, this was the FIRST time. Who cares! I didn’t. Now I didn’t own it like I would now, but I survived. I went out again and again and again…… You get the point.
This gets back to the whole blending vs. passing discussion. None of us, upon any reasonable scrutiny, passes. You can take hormones. You can have surgery. You can have the best DNA in the world. The very significant majority of us have one similar trait: man hands. There is zero way to get away from that unless you are the unicorn, born male, with female hands. I am sure you exist out there, but there ain’t many of you.
So if you accept you will be clocked, what do you do about that? Embrace the hell out of it. Don’t put yourself in places where that will matter or at least where it will bother you. I have had hundreds of amazing experiences, many I have written about here, many on the old blog, many pre-blog. Do you know why these experiences happened? Because I got clocked! Cis-women simply don’t walk up to another (perceived) cis-woman and give them a hug. Me, I have been hugged easily a thousand times because I am ME, trans, CD, whatever you want to label me as, representing, being proud, being a woman. Yes, me.
This is literally no different than anything else you might want to accomplish in life. Want to be a great parent? You will make mistakes. Want to run a solid Boston Marathon? You will suck beyond words but you will work to get back and do better. Want to be yourself? Embrace what that entails and work the hell out of it. Want to go out, be perceived as and treated as a woman? Then accept certain facts. Cis-women are tomboys, are heavy, are beautiful, as tall, are thin, are whatever other adjective you can think of. They are human. Be human. Be feminine. Be You for goodness sake! Are you really going to allow a perceived or expressed perception of you lock you away forever in a closet?
No offense, but that is simply ignorant (look up the actual meaning of of that word).
You will be clocked. Be smart and put yourself in favorable circumstances. Be appropriate, dressed to gain those compliments for exactly what you are afraid of being clocked for. Be confident, you are an amazing person. Be visible, if I don’t, if no one else does, go out, then guess what, they win, we lose.
Seriously, do you really think this soon-to-be first ballot Pro Football Hall of Famer thought he was taking a picture with someone born female. Hell no! What this is is a picture of two human beings contributing to an amazing cause, nothing more, nothing less. Clocked, I could hardly give a shit……
29 Responses
Kandi,
Perhaps you should add to your list , ” have a purpose ” . Like you I attend many outings but I do it with a purpose , with my National Trust group we are attending meetings to listen to some excellent speakers . With my painting class we have the common interest in painting and often these days I give others guidance , it doesn’t really matter a fig what gender I am or what they perceive me as .
Do I get clocked ? I can honestly say I don’t know , I just get on with my life and integrate into those around me . The question is do i want to get clock ? Well the truth is not any more , the less the concern the less it’s likely to happen . What if I am ? Well I have knack of moving the conversation along .
I wrote that specifically to address someone who feared getting clocked, you always add valuable input.
Well said beautiful!
BTW… Next to Joe you look very small, I’m sure his hands are enormous!
❤️
Kandi, wait you were banned from CDH? I am a member there though I keep a bit of a low profile. Sorry to hear you were banned. Seems pretty excessive! You have me as a curious cat. Without getting to heavy in the details what happened?
I was banned during the pandemic. There is an absolute fraud who dominates that site and I will just refer to him as “Scarlett”. I was locked down. I spent way too much time online. I had a few bourbons too many and I called him (I will not ever refer to that fraud as “she” or “her”) out on his pompous BS. Well, I was on the site for free. “Scarlett” bought whatever the top membership is, so, of course, money talks. He cried to the person who owns the site and I got the boot. That pompous moron, and I am sure he still does, only brags about himself. I knew him from a previous site (which he got tossed off for being a narcistic moron) and I actually helped him go out in public for his first and only time before I realized what I was dealing with. Then he comes on CDH as this expert on what it’s like for us. Plus, if you could have seen his Facebook page, it would have made you sick. Anyway, there you go Christina, how yours truly got banned from CDH.
Kandi, oh wow. I am familiar with the individual you mentioned from the site. And you are right about their narcissistic attitude. I am glad you mentioned this so I will stay clear of them. No one has any time for that foolishness. What you have built here is very welcoming and that’s what we need.
-Christina
Agreed! What baffles me is that there are a handful of ladies on the site that eat up the junk that person is serving up. To each, her own, I guess.
Happy New Year Christina!!
I love how inspirational this post is. Thanks for posting!
Don’t thank me, thank Trish. Here at Kandi’s Land we are problem solvers, we love, we support, we empathize, we care. And that is why I am so very proud of what we are building here. Thanks darling, I appreciate you, each and every day!! Every time I help one single sister, I feel like I hit the lottery (although an actual lottery win would be appreciated, if I played).
As Sun-Dee always says, they may know it’s a man in a dress (clocked), but they don’t know it’s you (or me) in the dress (outed). And by following your words, many people will not be looking enough to clock you. Interactions will inevitably lead to knowledge, but it will be on your terms, not theirs. This is an important part of self-acceptance to allow for freedom in one’s actions when out dressed.
I could not have said it better myself! Thanks Tina!!
❤️❤️
Thanks Tina. I also always add that I want to make sure it’s a pretty dress.
When I am out (something like 60 times in 2022), I hope I get the benefit of the doubt, but my default position is that people know I’m Trans of some variety, a/k/a a guy in a dress. As Tina says, they don’t know it’s ME in the dress.
Look, we evolved from animals, and from a time when our existence depended on noticing everything around us. When we see a person in front of us, our minds make an instant instinctual judgment of man versus woman. As a cis male, I have male shoulders and a male torso and lots of clues that I’m a man. Others will instinctually know that I’m not a cis female, BECAUSE I’M NOT. When I interact with others, they know I’m not a cis female.
But as Kandi writes, it hasn’t made one bit of difference. I’ve never had a bad experience while being out, but have gotten lots of acceptance for who I am.
Worrying about being “clocked” gives someone who doesn’t know you control over your life. Chose to control your own life.
“Chose to control your own life.” I wish I’d said that!
Tina,
You make a very good point about interactions being on your terms , I guess that goes hand in hand with confidence . Also we must learn how to ” wrong foot ” people when they try to apply their own agenda on you .
Kandi,
For the first couple of dozen times I went out en femme I was concerned about getting clocked but it quickly eased as my confidence grew. Now I hardly ever think about it. As you noted it is so important to think about what you do and always try and put yourself in favorable conditions, places, circumstances …etc.
Happy New Year Kandi. Look forward to meeting you at Keystone.
Fiona
Yay!! Now I really have something to look forward to!!
Clocking, it’s part of crossdressing, I have been out many times and what gets me out the door is that I’m exiting as the true me. I feel authentic and I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks. The only opinion that matters is my own. So got out be classy be feminine and enjoy yourself
And I can attest, she does!
Kandi I remembered when I visited you in Cleveland and the first place we went, I asked you, ” should I fake my voice?” In other try to sound femme. And you responded, ” I don’t think they care.” That bartender was so nice ,so in reality I don’t think people mind .
That has always been my experience. Also it is MUCH harder to “pass” in pairs or more, so I generally don’t even try to be anything more that what I am. I find people are drawn to authenticity.
Jennifer,
Being human beings we are affected by what other people think but going back to Kandi’s point I prefer not to be clocked so to a point I do give a **** what people think . I feel this notion stems from the battles I did with my ex wife , she dished out so much **** that hurt deeply , even to the point where she was telling people I’d died .
I care very much for other people and find the majority will respond with the same intention .
Thresa sorry to hear about the battles you had with your ex-wife and that is horrible that she would say you died, that’s not right. Maybe I have thick skin and don’t get bothered, maybe I’m not a human being, or maybe my job has made me tough inside I don’t care what people think . I heard this in a James Bond movie “The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.” When I’m out I get clocked all the time, maybe it’s my big hands that give me away or it’s my size 13 pumps, at 5’10” 220lbs it will be hard for me to pass. I try to give the world the best of me, what they see when I’m en femme is my soul, who I really am in the inside. In my mind I already passed for myself.
Jennifer,
It’s worth remembering that other people see us differently than hwo we think they do . OK I’m lucky I weigh about 147-150 lbs and a Uk size 12 dress size but even then I’m aware of having big hands ( my late dad called them shovels ! ) and take UK size 8 shoes . I learnt to step back and take a good look at GGs , they come in all shapes and sizes so i concluded if I dress right I’m going to fit in somewhere and so far it’s worked out .
As for the comment my wife made I had to put a stop fairly quickly in case my grandsons overheard the conversation , my daughter was furious with her .
From my experience, you gave sound advice (you generally do). There a variety of public places, stores, restaurants etc in which I’ve not been approached in a negative way. I went to those place thinking I’d blend in, and nobody would notice except maybe the store or restaurant staff when I speak to them. That has been true. They have always been courteous.
Coincidentally, the one time I was hassled was in an indoor mall. I had avoided them for years, but had a lot of confidence so I went there. I’ll admit my ‘looking like a professional stopping in on my way home from the office look’ was a bit overdressed. A girl, late teens, came up from behind (with her tall BF who looked a little embarrassed), saying ‘hey, hey, you’re not fooling me! I know what you are.’ It was the first time that I knew of that I had been clocked (nobody had ever called me out on it before) It took a second, as I was a bit shocked, but I turned to her and smiled and said, ‘And, so I guess that’s good? I can see you’re a young lady with her boyfriend. It’s pretty easy to label what we see. But I’m guessing there’s lot more to you than just that.’ She looked perplexed. I just smiled again and said, so… it was nice meeting you, I should go. She seemed a bit frozen, then the BF said, let’s go. I learned that to be more ready for the approach, and as you said, just own it.
Great advice! Seems teenage girls have nothing better to do with their time that hassle us…..
Kandi,
I love your advice: Be SMART, be APPROPRIATE, be CONFIDENT, and be VISIBLE. This advice has worked well for me. I am generally not worried about my surroundings, but like you suggest, I am smart and don’t put myself in places that are not safe. My style of dress has evolved over the past five years to be more appropriate. Yea, like many girls, I went through a “I wanna be a sexy 20 year old” period. LOL. I think confidence is key. Hold your head up, shoulders back and down and make eye contact. Finally, I am definitely visible. I remember when I would only go out at night. I felt like a vampire. But then once I started going out in the daytime, I never looked back. Once again, thank you for all the great advice.
xoxoxoxo
Christy
Christy,
I am always thrilled when I get comments. But when someone comments for the first time, I gives me a sense of purpose. We are doing something really good here and then when someone confirms my experiences, I am just in Heaven!
Life is not easy, there are difficulties for everyone, rich, poor, old, young, black, white, male, female and then there is us. And we are simply the most amazing people on the planet. You keep being the fabulous you that you are!
I am writing this on NYE and you just started my new year off perfectly!!!!
Thanks darling!!
Kandi