Winter Soiree

December 5, 2024, the big holiday celebration for two organizations which I am a member, Plexus LGBT & Allied Chamber of Commerce and The International Live Event Association, combined into one event. It begins a stretch of quite a few holiday events and I am in a real mood for all of them. You have seen me of late going out less often, but really stepping up my presentation. December will be no different. I am going as glam, as “look at me” as I possibly can. I will, as always, (try to) do so with grace and class, but really focus on each and every detail as best as I can given the circumstances involved.

I also decided to treat myself, to indulge that great push I am currently feeling to be as feminine as possible. My life is always push and pull, boy then girl, female then male, always swinging back and forth based on what I have been able to do and how frequently. I am burning right now to be the best woman I can be. That has entailed an increased focus on my body, hair removal, the toes are painted for no good reason (I generally only do so when they will be seen by the general public) and a focus on my lingerie, more so that the simple fact that I am in panties 24/7/365. I also decided on a new ‘do and we’ll see how it looks.

I have talked about it here before and it still haunts me. Whenever my mind is not occupied, with work, family, training, friends, life, etc. all of this is always on my mind. Always. That was the tipping point in my finally accepting myself. It is also the tipping point in my borderline alcoholism. I am not in denial, I can and have stopped drinking for days at a time. It proves to me that I am not a full blown alcoholic, I just use to it fight off boredom because boredom leads me DEEP down the girl path to some places I really do not wish to go (and we’ll just leave it at that). This time of year is the worst. Many days off from driving the truck. A real inability to work my apparel business because retailers are either focused on grinding through their busy time or catching their breath.

Holidays are just not a great time of year for me for reasons different than many who have difficulties during the holidays. I am surrounded by the love of my family, which I am grateful for, but the yearning to be Kandi is troubling. I am living in a void and everything female and feminine is rushing in. And before you say that’s a good thing, there is such a thing as having too much of a good thing. And before you comment that these feelings are telling me something, my personal circumstances are not subject to change. I know even if I were to transition, I would then flip the script and I would miss the male portion of me. My life is all about balance and I am currently out of balance. So I am very much throwing myself into the events I have on my calendar, which at least require the usage of my mind on logistical issues and not fantasy or yearning. I am a routine person, routine gives me comfort and balance. Lack of routine is unsettling and takes me places on occasion (usually only mentally) that I do not wish to visit.

The Soiree is the first such December event, the first “look at me” opportunity. It is welcomed. Assembling an outfit, dealing with the weather, attending an actual business networking event, being sharp and attentive. Keep the mind moving positively.

On this day, we got blasted by snow, making everything more difficult. Driving, of course, but also a wardrobe audible. Knowing where I was going, needing to navigate an outdoor walk and steep steps, boots were essential. So the planned “look at me” outfit had to be held back and we went with the sweater dress you see here. You can also see the new do, which was heavily complimented on this evening (but I acknowledge by a welcoming crowd). The other compliment I got more than once (and I get this often) was how well put together my outfit was. I do, in fact, pay close attention to the details, I do have an innate fashion sense and I do take great pride in my presentation. I do this because it is just “me”, but also it has undeniably been my key to almost complete acceptance when out (which I never take lightly nor do I take for granted as one must always be vigilant about their safety).

Since I have a stretch of events and am in a cold weather environment (allowing for gloves), I got a gel manicure on my way to the soiree. I kept it very neutral, as it will remain in place until just before Christmas. And for those of you out there fearful of things like this (Cali is in a different league!), I will give you the keys to the kingdom, two words: plausible deniability. First of all, one would have to closely inspect my hands to see the gels in a casual situation. Secondly, at work and when playing pickleball (the times I am most with others), I am gloved or at least partially gloved. Men in fact, do get manicures. Finally, my deniability line, if it ever came to that (most likely from a close friend) is that my fingers and nails do tend to painfully split in the cold (true) and this does help significantly with that (also true).

I thought I looked very pretty and certainly felt as much. Once I decided on proper footwear, the sweater dress was a no-brainer and then everything else almost automatically fell into place. The belt was necessary to break the dress up a bit, hide my physical imperfections and create the illusion of hips. I never wear hip pads like one can acquire from a CD site, but I have light padding I sometime wear to keep an outfit item in place, like a skirt. In this case, the slight padding was necessary to have the belt look just right. The jewelry was spot on and the scarf was the cherry on top! Chef’s kiss…

The event itself was wonderful, but I have very little to tell you all as there were no outstanding moments. I saw many friends, made a few more, exchanged hugs and holiday cheer. The weather was a big factor for me in terms of cocktailing (certainly a good thing regardless) and my time out, as I cut things shorter than planned so as to get back home safely (which I did or you would not be reading this).

Felt great….ahhhhhhhhhh……..