By Amanda J.
As soon as he enters the room and sees her, he is smitten. He’s seen her many times before but this time, she looks different. Her normal outfit of jeans, a simple top and flat shoes has been replaced by a beautiful black dress and stilettos. And she’s wearing makeup! How had he never noticed her before?
She smiles as she spots him as if to invite him to take a seat beside her which he does. They talk for perhaps half an hour by which time, he’s convinced that she’s ‘The One’. He takes a deep breath and asks her whether she’d like to go out to dinner with him but her reply devastates him. She just looks at him with pity in her eyes and then gently says ‘I’m sorry but no thank you’.
-o-O-o-
This photo shows the third and final look from my makeover at Boys Will Be Girls and, once again, I’m completely mesmerised by what Cindy managed to achieve. And looking at that photo made me think – if male me (who, from now on, I’ll refer to as ‘MM’) and female me (‘Amanda’) had met in our younger days, would it have been the start of a wonderful relationship or just the passing of two ships in the night?
The little story I’ve written above gives a good hint as to where this particular question is leading but before I dive in, let’s take a moment to look at the question and my reasons for asking it. To be clear, I’m not trying to turn Kandi’s Land into ‘Hot or Not’, Tinder or, heaven forbid, OnlyFans (although the money would come in handy!) and I’m not an inhabitant of Planet Weird (OK, not a regular inhabitant but I do visit my holiday home there from time to time)! But that simple question – would my male side and female side be compatible in a relationship – throws up some interesting issues. Inevitably with any ‘boy meets girl’ scenario, the first (and sometimes only) thing we think about is physical attraction but I want to dive much deeper. The clothes we wear, our hairstyle, the amount of time we take in front of the mirror or even our posture not only contribute to how others see us but also give a great insight into our personal priorities and interests. So what follows is (hopefully) not a self-indulgent treatise on physical appearance but more what we can read into the differing sides of my personality.
Anyway, enough boring sociology, let’s get down to the nitty gritty!
As Amanda, I like to look nice – I want to be the best woman I can be – and that means heels, hairdos, dresses and makeup. To me, those define the women that I want to emulate but, of course, it’s no coincidence that they’re exactly the same things that I find attractive on a woman. That’s not to say that I get dressed up solely to see myself as the woman I’d want to date but that particular ‘tribe’ of womanhood is one I happily aspire to and the one that, more than anything, makes me feel cheated from by virtue of my chromosomes. So I unashamedly say that if MM saw Amanda, he would definitely be interested.
But even though we share a mind, body & soul, we’re different. Amanda can exploit the side of my personality that MM has to suppress. She’s a lot calmer, more caring, more compassionate, worries less, is more open with her emotions and, so far, seems to have inherited none of the less refined traits MM has (forgive me for not going into details – I do have the shreds of a reputation to uphold here!). I look at a photo of her and see the nicer side of myself – the bits of my personality that I like with none of the more negative aspects that frustrate me in my day to day life.
So, as you’ve probably guessed by now, Amanda is definitely the sort of woman MM would like to be in a relationship with.
That’s the easy part but what would the response have been? I can only speculate what Amanda would look for in a relationship because I have no attraction to either male looks or male personalities on which to base judgement. But I do have experiences from my younger days which provide clues although, sadly, not in a good way!
I always had a lot of difficulty getting dates. Girls, and later women, were happy to befriend me & I enjoyed being close to them and yet as soon as there was any hint that I was hoping that things would go a little further, it all started to go wrong. I’ve heard it all – ‘oh, you’ll be a great catch for someone’ (with ‘but not me’ heard loud and clear even if not spoken), ‘I already have a boyfriend, sorry’ (again with the unspoken addendum ‘but even if I didn’t, I’d still turn you down’) and ‘sorry but I’m very busy at the moment’ (yeah, very busy turning me down!) being just some of the more memorable refusals I’ve had.
But what is strange is that several of those girls who turned me down in my teens became good friends and, over four decades on, I’m still in touch with a couple of them. Something tells me that Amanda would fit well into their world. And seeing the guys that they’ve gone on to marry does highlight big differences between them and MM.
These guys obviously care about their appearance, whether formally or casually dressed. They see a trip to the hairdressers as an opportunity to hone their image rather than because their hair is starting to impede their eyesight (at this point, I should celebrate the fact that I still have hair that can impede my eyesight!). They choose a particular outfit to convey a certain persona, not just to keep them warm or cool depending on the season. They have confidence in themselves rather than introverted reticence. And so on.
But I must stress at this point that I say the foregoing without a shred of sadness. Apart from the obvious yearning to cross the gender divide, I’m happy as I am. I’ve been married to the same woman for over three decades (a woman who is very different to Amanda but special for many more reasons), I have two wonderful children and not an ounce of regret about any of the ones that got away in my youth. And MM is quite introverted and shy in unfamiliar situations, regularly turning down invitations that would require mixing with strangers. All of that is quite a contrast to a woman who quite clearly cares how she looks and seems to be the sort of person that people would gravitate to in social situations – any shyness she has would be irrelevant to people approaching her and could even be seen as an endearing trait.
But that’s where all of this starts getting very interesting. I know from my interactions with other trans girls that I’m by no means alone in thinking that there’s no way that the female side would give the male side a second look. But why should that be? Why, in one gender, do I not really care about how I look and yet, in the other, want to be as beautifully dressed as possible? And why have I passively rebelled against creating an image of myself as a guy which the type of woman I’m attracted to may have responded to? Perhaps I’m being a little superficial here by concentrating on appearance & desirability but how we look gives a huge amount of insight into our personality and interests.
And the answer to these questions is that I genuinely don’t know the answer. I could speculate about rebellion against my biological gender or subconsciously not wanting to jeopardise cherished friendships by trying to take them further or maybe feeling that any attempt to polish up my guy image would take me further away from the feminine identity I love. Or perhaps my subconscious (realising that I am no George Clooney, Hugh Grant or any of the other good-looking guys of my age that have women falling at their feet) has just advised me to give up rather than waste any more effort trying to be someone I’m not! But whatever the answer is, the truth is that, despite us sharing mind, body and soul, Amanda and MM are as different as chalk and cheese and, sad though it is to say it, I genuinely believe that she would be looking elsewhere for her life partner!
And so, coming back to where we started, we have a tale of unrequited love. A sad end to what could have been a fairytale romance. Or maybe not. I feel proud that I can look at ‘her’ with admiring eyes and say ‘that’s me!’. Because, in the end, we are one person and, as I’ve brought her to life, she’s taught me that I can feel good about myself, however I happen to be dressed. And perhaps all of the rejections & consequential self-doubt in bygone times tell me nothing more than I had just not yet found my groove!
24 Responses
Amanda,
Judging by your picture you have definitely found your grove.
Now it is time for that beautiful woman to go for a walk and show the world.
Jocelyn
Thanks very much for the compliment!
I’m not so sure that we should let Amanda out into the world unsupervised – apparently she has a habit of leading people on and then mercilessly cutting them off when they get too close! Almost certainly a gold digger and definitely one to be avoided!
Amanda,
I wonderful article and thought process! Now you have me thinking. More often than not in the past few years, as Joy, I’ve thought about men. The cute ones, not so cute ones, smart and gentle ones. But would I be attracted to the male me? Great question! I shall ponder it a bit.
Thank for contributing.
Hugs
Joy
Joy,
Thank you for your kind words. It’s a fascinating question to consider but it does take a little imagination (actually, quite a lot of imagination) to answer properly. I hope your ponderings bear fruit!
Amanda
Amanda,
My male me definitely is not nearly as fashion conscious. I chalk that up to the fact that male clothes just aren’t that interesting. Would I be interested in him? What woman wouldn’t want a kind, thoughtful, romantic and decent-looking chap on her arm? Hah! My ego is strong enough to believe my wife made a judicious choice and I would hope I would have done the same (assuming choices were available, as my wife always says, on behalf of her single friends, that there aren’t enough good men out there!).:-)
Thank you for the very interesting post!
Lisa
Mrs Lisa is a very lucky lady to have found you!!!
And as for your wife’s single friends, they’re just looking in the wrong place – they just need to go for a crossdresser! All the benefits of having a man about the house and a girl friend to confide in all rolled into one. What’s not to like?!!
What a lovely article and perspective. It is a lot to think about. Looking at my own pictures there is no doubt that MM would be attracted to the female I am. But in reality, the female me is not near as refined and truly feminine in real life, although she strives to be. But, as a woman, I really don’t know how I feel about men. Would I be attracted to MM? That is a deep question and I really do not know but I want to find out, so maybe I should do a little exploration to find out how she would feel about dating me. Thanks for sharing these thoughts Amanda. Love… Liz
Liz, thank you for taking the trouble to comment.
I actually love this question, not least because it causes heterosexual males to consider whether they’d be a good catch for their female alter egos! In my case, clearly not! But that’s really only scraping the surface and whilst, on the one hand, I should probably be ashamed that Amanda would not give MM a second glance (and even more ashamed that MM is not planning to do anything about it!), but on the other hand, I can feel incredibly proud of how I portray Amanda, both physically and in the manifestation of her personality.
I posted this question on another forum and it was obvious from several of the answers that the girls were fearful of their sexuality being brought into question if they tried to answer it – ‘I don’t know because I’m not attracted to men’ cropped up a couple of times! But if we are able to get past that perceived barrier, it’s a brilliant exercise in self awareness for both sides of us and there’s absolutely nothing wrong in saying ‘yeah, I’d date MM in a heartbeat, he’s hot!’ if that’s the honest answer!’.
Anyway, enough philosophy! Thanks again for commenting. Amanda
Well, that was a nice surprise, thank you Kandi!
Much has happened in the three years since I originally wrote this post. The photo that accompanies this post gave me the impetus I needed to forge my own physical identity and, during 2023, to take that identity out into the world and interact with others. Not forgetting the 48 KL posts I’ve written since this one!
Much water has flowed under the bridge but one thing has not changed in the slightest – ‘Amanda’ would still turn down ‘MM”s request for a date!
A great reread and a great photo.
Any male would want a date with the woman in the photo. She is composed, confident, cute, curvaceous and completely beyond MM’s grasp. She’s more Hugh Grant’s type.
It is amazing how different we look and feel when dressed as a lady. That feeling of beauty has to be embraced. Of course dressed for a date is not something we can do every day. Slacks, two inch comfortable shoes and a sparkly top is also a good female look.
Hey, a very beautiful woman and an ordinary looking guy do get together sometime. Miracles do happen!
Thanks for the inspiring message.
Love,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, thanks! Not sure I’m quite ready to be Hugh’s ‘squeeze’ and, sadly, my knees are starting to tell me that even 2″ heels may be a bit on the high side these days!
Fortunately for me, my kids have inherited Mrs A’s looks rather than mine which does add some weight to your assertion about miracles!
Thanks as always for your friendship and support.
Amanda,
The first question is do you think women are more narcisstic than men ? On the whole the answer must be yes as we only have to look at the huge market for makeup and clothing items . Women are labelled in far more ways than men , attractive , glamorous , sexy , flirty , the list goes on , women have the means at their disposal to achieve all that and more if they choose to , your makeover pictures possibly prove that point .
I’m probably going to be contentious now but on an online forum I talked at some length about this issue of being attracted to yourself , one of the replies surprisingly from a female contributor suggested I looked into Autogynephilia ( AGP)( basically translated as ” to love oneself as a woman “. ) The original idea was suggested by Blanchard but he associated the idea with transexuals which was partly incorrect and upset not only them but many therapists . I dug deeper and contacted those who took up his work in order to expand and correct him . One in particular gave me far more information of AGP in association with transgender people , after reading it so much began to fall into place with my situation . The important point being it covers a far greater spectrum than first considered by Blanchard , the basic concept of loving yourself as a woman expands into enjoying aspects of being or partaking in female activities .
I accept there are also some harsh critics who condemn the whole concept , the point they miss is the individual may find answers and peace in themselves through it . So many of the questions that arise from crossdressing , transgender or gender dysphoria have subjective answers , we may not agree with them but at the same time can’t disprove them .
If you find Amanda far more attractive than the man she temporarily replaces then it’s something to be proud of , you have achieved what your inner self craves for , where’s the harm in that ?
I certainly approve of Teresa far more than the person she replaced but it’s taken a long and difficult road to achive it , I spents some years searching , I never shied away from asking the experts in their field . Now I don’t need to ask those questions , I know what I have now is as good as it gets , I put all the labels back in their boxes and placed them back on the shelves , I know what makes me tick and there’s nothing I can do or anyone else to change it .
Teresa, thank you for that insight which, I confess, tallies with many of my thoughts.
I previously belonged to another forum where mention of either Blanchard or AGP was immediately stamped on by the moderators. To my mind, there has to be ongoing debate, otherwise it just begs the question as to why there’s so much worry about it to the point that it can’t be discussed? The problem is that AGP is linked to sexual arousal and, from that viewpoint, it’s only a short step to the point of view that it’s a kink or perversion. I will quite happily admit to being ‘turned on’ when I see ‘Amanda’ in the mirror but it’s an emotional response, not a sexual one, and I suspect that many others, regardless of where they are on the trans continuum, feel the same way. If we didn’t get that very positive emotional response, then the act of crossing the gender divide loses its purpose.
I do think there’s an air of inevitability that AGP plays a part in what we do – as heterosexual biological males we tend to subconsciously use attractiveness as a yardstick for ‘passability’. I keep my outings into the outside world to a minimum for various reasons but when I do go out, I seek acceptance from those who realise my secret and getting a very positive emotional reaction when I look in the mirror before leaving the house is key to having the confidence that that acceptance will probably be forthcoming.
Amanda,
That is the point Blanchard was shouted down over by transexuals , to many of them it was more about gender and not sexuality . While I felt drawn to some of the ideas suggested by AGP I needed to clarify that point so I Emailed the ones who submitted corrections for Blanchards initial theory , in fact he often stated to his critics , ” if you feel I’ve got it wrong go prove it !” .
You could associate AGP with many aspects of our feelings towards feminine actions but to some it’s just a label to describe those feelings and that applies to so many labels , they make no difference to the outcome .
I understand your thinking for the times you venture out as I’ve lived through that period , we need that positive input because the times we venture out are limited , it’s inevitable we seek validation otherwise we might think twice before venturing out again . I had so much fun with SAs during that period , in fact it is the time to enjoy those feelings and have some fun . Obviously I’ve levelled out now , I still have fun but take care not to expose my male side .
Amanda,
Perhaps we need to consider your question personally . I was attracted to myself initially , the first time I applied makeup reasonably well and popped a wig I the man had gone , there was an attractive woman looking back at me , it can be quite intoxicating , no wonder we want more . Nowdays I might look in the mirror to shave but I try not to see HIM , my morning really starts when I start to apply my makeup , it’s only a thin veneer but it makes so much difference . Perhaps I’m getting too old to consider myself attractive but I still feel good about myself , I love facing the World as Teresa .
Amanda,
That photo of you is so lovely. It clearly expresses the femininity that you were feeling and how happy you are in expressing the female side of you.
Regarding the article all I can say for sure is that the male me would definitely be attracted to the female me.
Hugs,
Fiona
Fiona, thank you for the compliment.
To my mind, if our male side would be (or is) attracted to our female side, we’re doing the whole girl thing right – far better than looking in the mirror with a feeling of abject disappointment! As I said above, having lived (and in some cases continuing to live) a major part of our lives as heterosexual males, it’s inevitable that personal preferences will form part of the mental ‘yardstick’ we construct to judge whether we’re satisfied with how we look. It’s not a fetish, kink or anything like that, just human nature.
Amanda,
Here’s a slightly different point of view. I think women dress for two main reasons, themselves and for other women. Dressing for a ‘man’ is down the list. Look who compliments who; it’s mostly women complimenting women (maybe because men are afraid of a sexual harassment charge).
In some sense it’s friendly competition. I see it by the comments (compliments) I get on my nails and my heels from women. Just dress for yourself and look pretty while you do it.
Cali
Cali, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and that’s an interesting viewpoint. However, I do tend to think that women’s assertion that they dress for themselves is a relatively modern phenomenon as women have fought for equality. Strip away all of the trappings of modern life and I think that we’re insinctively programmed to present ourselves in the best possible light for preservation of the species, so to speak – this is even evident in the few remaining primitive tribes. I’m not for one moment suggesting that women dress with the sole aim of attracting men but just that there is an innate part of the female psyche that drives this.
Of course, you’re right about male to female compliments which, let’s face it, is a very sad state of affairs. Male me was on the receiving end of a few compliments on the odd occasion when I turned up for work in a suit and I took it as nothing more than a compliment so why the reverse now has so many adverse connotations baffles me.
Good morning from across the pond my dear friend. I loved your story. As usual it made me think about Trish and her male counter part. Our stories would vary quite a bit though. I have always told other girls and my wife that Trish and her male counterpart have lived together in harmony from the day I was born. They really didn’t have a choice since them together made me the person I am both when I’m Trish and also when I’m her male counterpart. We get along famously and love each other very much. I came to this conclusion along time ago when I knew neither of us could live with out the other. Back in the day 50 years ago we were both young attractive people. Neither one of us had any trouble attracting other people to be with.
But in our later years Trish has been able to maintain to a certain extent the looks she had when she was younger and male me is very jealous of that but at the same time very happy for Trish. We, over the years, have always been attracted to one another. After all why wouldn’t we be? We’ve lived together for 74 years and have grown to know an love each other deeply. Trish is jealous of the time that her male counterpart spends out compared to her time out but she’s happier now than she was a few years ago because she is getting a lot more time out than she used too. And her make counterpart is more than happy to share more of his time for her.
Thanks for posting Amanda and making me delve into the relationship between Trish and her male counterpart. But it was nice to find out that after all these years both of us still love one another and the attraction is still there.
Trish and her male friend
Thank you both for your feedback!!
Yours is an interesting viewpoint, particularly when you talk about your two sides living in harmony and I suspect that’s something of a rarity in our world where one life is often seen as getting in the way of the other – something I’m acutely aware of at present where the situation at home precludes any indulgence of my feminine side. It’s not that I want to take this side of me further, just that it’s nice to have the freedom when I feel the need.
The whole attraction thing is fascinating. Nowadays, of course, everything’s online with filtered photos and swiping right (or is it left?) but back in the days when I was looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with, we had to judge completely on sight. I speak with some authority when I speculate that ‘Amanda’ wouldn’t touch me with a bargepole on the basis that I was turned down by several in whose group of friends ‘Amanda’ would have fitted in well! The fact that she & I are polar opposites in many respects is intriguing but does raise the question as to if I had allowed myself to be more of a male version of her than I actually am, would my dating experiences have been different? The other question of why did I not allow myself to be more of a male version of her but I’ll leave that one hanging!
Amanda,
Do you feel there is a hidden YOU ? The suggestion that one half may hinder the other . Am I more outrageous as Teresa compared with the man ? The answer is YES ! Is the crossdressing actually a key that unlocks a door which some can pass back and forth or some like me happily pass one way . I’m glad I’ve been able to step out of many the male traits , I admit at times I don’t actually like men but strangely the odd flirt can be fun but then I flirt as much with women . Living as a woman isn’t always a bed of roses , sometimes the man inside does come to the rescue but on the whole it is a more enjoyable lifestyle , women include and embrace each other more .
In your case would a male version of her worked or would you just appeared more camp ?
Teresa, it’s an interesting question. You ask whether a male version of her would work and the short answer is yes because it does work. From the perspective of personality, we are one and the same; the difference is one of presentation and perception by others.
Fundamentally, it’s easy to see that an elegantly dressed woman who seems to care about how she looks will be received differently than a slightly scruffy man (i’ll leave it to those who know that particular side of me to judge exactly what ‘slightly’ means here) who clearly doesn’t care. But the far harder question to answer is why those two states exist in the first place. Even as ‘Amanda’ has matured to more casual ‘everyday’ outfits, it still matters to me a lot that I look put togther, not thrown together. I could assert that the lack of will on the male side is driven by a concern that smartening up as a male will draw me too far away from my female side but that flies in the face of the simple fact that I have absolutely no desire to leave my male side behind.
One of life’s mysteries, I guess.
Amanda,
As I was a self employed photographer for thirty years I had to present smartly as man often the whole week including weekends as I also covered weddings and christenings . I also accept there was a scruff in me as I also did many house improvements for myself and others . I’m not always smartly turned out as Teresa when I have to do heavy gardening or use my chainsaw but no matter what I will still have my makeup on and a wig even if it’s an old one . That was really the sticking point , could I make that presentation work , the fact is I had to .