I’m Hearing Voices!

No, not another admission that I’m slipping to certifiable madness although I know that there are plenty of other signs that that may be on the cards for me.  Recently the whole question of the way we speak has been centre stage in my mind, not least because I am now fully embracing the outside world and talking to others, either voluntarily or because I have been asked something by an unwitting passer-by.  And the fact of the matter is that even if my face doesn’t give me away – there’s only so much that makeup can mask, particularly where my face and my makeup ‘skills’ are concerned – my voice certainly will.  So that begs the question as to whether I should try to speak in more feminine tones or should I just work on the basis that whatever I do, whoever I’m talking to is going to realise so why bother trying to speak in anything other than my normal voice?  Unsurprisingly, there are two schools of thought on this issue so let’s look at each in turn.

I’ve come across two high profile CDers who make no attempt to change their voices when dressed.  Both are prolific bloggers and one questions whether using anything other than her normal voice could be construed as an attempt to deceive.  That’s a valid point and she follows up with another – if the other party, hearing her speak in a male voice, is fine with the idea of conversing with a CDer, they can have a genuine and honest conversation and if they’re not, the other party will quickly realise and can excuse themself and move on.

I identify a lot with that mindset.  I’ve made the point before that the turning point for me as far as going into the outside world is concerned is when I stopped thinking ‘what if someone realises I’m a guy?’ and instead started thinking ‘so what if someone realises I’m a guy?’.  Because the fact of the matter is that almost none of us ‘pass’ (which is defined as being indistinguishable from a natural born female in every situation, every time).  Particularly for those of us of a more advanced age, testosterone has wreaked too much havoc on our faces and bodies to give us any chance.    Or, as Abraham Lincoln so beautifully put it:

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.

No one exemplifies the issue of voice more than Caitlyn Jenner.  Granted, she’s a post-op transitioner rather than a CDer but, thanks to her celebrity, she has nowhere to hide.   Had ‘Bruce’ disappeared from the public eye after winning gold, Caitlyn may have been able to emerge around 4 decades later with a new voice to match her new identity.  But as it was, to speak in anything other than her natural speaking voice would have appeared false and possibly fraudulent.  And much though my disdain for the Kardashian/ Jenner dynasty knows no bounds, I have a degree of admiration for Caitlyn and all that she has done to normalise views of trans people.

So by rights, using normal voice should be a ‘slam dunk’ given the strength of argument in its favour.  But I’m not so sure.  I talked about one of the two bloggers using their natural voice above and I became aware of the other when I saw a video she had made.  Tall, elegant, consistently fabulous transformations but hearing a male voice emerge from her otherwise feminine face jarred.  To be clear, it’s not a criticism because, fundamentally, we all have to do what works for us but somehow it just felt a little uncomfortable.  And that brings me round to the opposing viewpoint.

I have to confess that I do try to take the worst of the maleness out of my voice when I speak while presenting female.  I make a lot of effort to present myself in a way that appears female and I’d rather make at least some effort with my voice than write it off as a lost cause.    But a more important consideration is the whole question of perception of me.

I’m very much of the view that if we’re going to get acceptance, we have to demonstrate that we’re making as much effort as possible.  I don’t subscribe to the view that ‘a woman is anyone who identifies as a woman’ and do my utmost to conform to what it means to be an ‘adult human female’ in the way I dress and the way I generally act when I’m presenting as female.  And to me, that includes my voice.  

Half of me knows that any attempt to feminise my voice is ultimately fruitless but, for me, making the effort helps draw an all important line between my two sides and, I hope, it does ‘water down’ the incongruity between my presentation and what comes out of my mouth.  I also want to leave those who I interact with, and for whom this is important, that I understand society’s expectations of women and am doing my best to conform to them.

All things considered, I’d go as far as to say that transforming my voice is probably the hardest part of my transformation.  Outfits were easy – there’s limitless inspiration either online or in the outside world and it’s not hard to emulate those outfits that catch my eye.  Makeup was much harder because it took practice.  I’m still only able to put it on to a basic standard but at least I don’t think that it looks like it was smeared on by a five year old these days!  Deportment came with practice – small steps, head up, shoulders back, chest out – and even walking in heels eventually became second nature.  But with my voice, I’m battling nature and the whole structure of my body.  I can’t get to the falsetto range (but even if I could, I’d probably sound like something out of a Monty Python sketch!) so any voice I use is inevitably going to be quite deep.  With a lot of practice, I could probably master more feminine inflections but that takes a lot of time and dedication and won’t help me here and now.  The best I can manage is to raise my pitch by a few semitones and be slightly softer and ‘breathier’ when I talk.  It fools no one but at least I’m making an effort to meet my own criteria.

So what’s the right answer here?  The short answer is that there isn’t one – we’re all individuals and must do what works for us in the situation we encounter.   Personally, I find the whole argument around deception compelling and would never want to put anyone in the situation that could lead them to feel uncomfortable or even duped if it caused them to accept me as something I’m not and reality subsequently came to light.  Equally, though, in our efforts to look as feminine and female as we can, we are setting out to hide as much of our maleness as we can and, on that basis, is modifying our voice not just an extension of that?  And could being seen to make no effort to feminise our voice imply that we are expecting to be treated on our terms, not attempting to meet women on theirs?  Or is an ‘affected’ feminine voice little different from all of the other exaggerated feminine mannerisms that some acquire as soon as they adopt their feminine persona and a detractor from our presentation rather than enhancing it?

As I implied above, as far as I’m concerned, I’m going to continue with my slightly higher, slightly breathy voice but you do you.  It’s just another facet of what links us all while making each of us unique in our own way and we’d be a very boring lot if we were all the same.