Disappointment and Redemption!

Yes, this is me, no wig, no pretense.

I have a friend, maybe had a friend. I have done quite a bit for this person. My mindset is how can I help; how can I make someone else happy. I have a very long, documented history of this. Her’s, as I unfortunately now know, is the exact opposite, how can she make herself happy. I won’t bore you with her hurtful behavior, but what was the tipping point, she thought specifically excluding me from something (it took actual thought and consideration to NOT include me) was no big deal and then she shoved it in my face. I am a giving person, but as I have said, I do not suffer fools lightly. I will miss what I thought was a wonderful relationship. Don’t cross me, I am the elephant that never, ever forgets. This will linger. While she doesn’t realize it (until now maybe), I mourn the loss of trust I was able to have with her. I am sure at some point we’ll get back to where we were, but never all the way back. People show themselves to you over time.

I pulled up my big girl panties and had a glorious day being ME. Being extremely visible, being what pleases me most, vulnerable. The day was fluid. I am trying to connect with a gentleman with whom I believe we can work together to do something special. For different reasons, he is a mutli-job grinder as well, trying to get to a comfortable place.

We were going to meet and then I had an event I wanted to attend, but life got in the way, and he had to cancel.

I had planned a selfish day. I have been incredibly introspective of late, wondering who and what I am. The 72 hours I mentioned in the prior post was part of finding myself. My friend, who did not know this, hit me at the exact wrong time. But selfishness is selfishness, and it cannot be tolerated by me. So, I scrapped everything I was thinking about and headed South. Time to return to my Nirvana, Vaccaro’s. To fill out the day, I went to Summit Mall and was uplifted by the graciousness of almost anyone and everyone who laid eyes on me.

I have many high-end events on the horizon, so this girl could use some gowns. I went to David’s Bridal because I know how the clearance rack works. My timing was sublime. I had the run of the place with four employees treating me like a queen. The whole experience brought me to tears. Part of my being vulnerable this day, part of me crawling into my femininity, was that I wore no wig. All the pictures you see here is ME. Not Kandi, not anything other than me allowing myself to be out there, no masks, no disguise, ME. It was TREMENDOUS! This got me over the loss of a friend and on to me making a difference. And I am not delusional; I look like crap.

At David’s I bought four freakin’ amazing dresses, all planned for upcoming events, $400+ original cost for less than $60. I spent at least an hour there, trying on dress after dress, being zipped up, having the ladies there gush about this or that. The love was palpable!

Redemption!

Then into the mall where I picked up a few things at Sephora. Yes, I understand where I was, but the compliments on my dress and separately on my glasses were exactly what I needed. Then a long session at Dry Goods (my favoritest store!), where I took a good 10 dresses into the fitting room, with the K-A-N-D-I on the door, and I picked up an amazing jacket, a pink sweater that buckled my knees and a little dress that the SA described as “girly and works well on you”. Girly, now who could that be?

Redemption!

Then Happy Hour! As always, I sat at the bar and was surrounded by couples. My great friend, Karen the bartender asked about my disappointing friend, to which I simply shrugged. We move on.

I was included in so many conversations. I was able to share my great expertise with the University Circle area of my beloved Cleveland (I was South of the CLE, near Akron). The beauty (look at how awful I looked) was I was referred to as “she” every single time and it was many times.

The highlight was that I reconnected with someone with whom I had a lengthy conversation there a few years back. She and I talked as women do for quite some time. I found all of the “maleness” of me gone and I was in my element.

The morale of the story, be you. Be vulnerable. Be smart but do not suffer fools lightly. I will miss my friend, but you cannot put Humpy Dumpty back together again. Unintentional selfishness, to me, is worse than intentional. It means you don’t consider others. You can move forward, but you can never trust. That is gone and I am sorry about that.

Oh yeah, I got to wear that dress in front of so many people and THAT is what pleases me. I will never stop believing people are good, even when they are a disappointment.

The next two weeks from this post date forward will be sparse in Kandi terms. Disappointment, again.

To the person whom I am referring, forgive me but I had to write this, I had to say it and I had to get it off my chest. If I did not, I would not have been able to move past it. By doing this, you now know how I felt and please know, I am past this now. It’s certainly up to you if that means anything.