Right off the start, the above question has nothing to do with my gender and/or my gender presentation. Nothing is “wrong” with me there. I am who I am, it is what it is, I walk out the door very often and get probably 99.9% positive feedback in the REAL world.
What I increasingly dislike about myself is the draw I have to social media. I have four platforms: here, Flickr, Facebook and YouTube. Beyond that, I generally don’t go anywhere else. I used to frequent a few CD/TG forums but have thankfully broken those habits. I am not 24/7 on social media, which is something I am proud of. Yet I still feel the need to check feedback a few times a day. I still post often. I still let what is in reality meaningless, bother me.
I have said this often and I believe it. I am “this way” for a reason. Not why I am, I have no idea how that happened. No one abused me, I have no gender dysphoria, no one “forced feminized” me. But why? This has been with me for my entire life, I have vague memories from as early as four or five, wearing a dress I believe by choice. It has never left me; it has haunted me in many ways and has shaped and driven how I live my life. It has also brought me many highs and allowed me to meet so many amazing humans I would not have otherwise.
Yet I cannot be completely open about it. I am tremendously proud of myself and at times, ashamed. I have made cis friends, trans friends, CD friends, ally friends, pickleball friends, I have lifelong “male me” friends. I am blessed beyond words to have an amazing family. But the restlessness never leaves me, and “this” always permeates. There is never a single day without some element of it, be it certain items of clothing or a “tune up” with the razor in the shower. I know that it is the driving force behind my abuse of alcohol. No question and that will eventually kill me one way or another. This I have to get a handle on if for no other reason than I am getting really tired of feeling like garbage for the first hour of my day, every day, or most.
I like to think I am this way to help others. I have made it my life’s mission over the past 10 – 15 years. To be an example. To spread kindness. To lend a hand. I volunteer for at least 20 organizations of various missions, many LGBT based, many not. I walk the walk, not just talking the talk.
My mission is to contribute that single grain of sand on the Saraha Desert that is our society. I connect friends with other good people. Yet I don’t get the same respect back from them or get thought of as I think about others. Maybe I am the fool, thinking selflessness should be the norm, when selfishness actually is. What is wrong with me?
Why do I give a shit about a👍or a❤️or a 😄 or a “dude” or a “that’s a man”? I am tempted to fire back, as these morons are seeing me in their feeds for a reason, the algorithm doesn’t lie and it is impartial. But I resist, block them and delete their nonsense. And I want to be clear; I get so little of this as compared to many sisters. But it still gets under my skin.
How can I make a difference without all this societal bullshit? Better yet, do I even make a bit of difference? Do I matter? Does it matter? All I know with the ultimate certainly are my rules of the road. Being smart is essential and factors heavily into personal safety. Being appropriate is necessary to navigating the REAL world. Confidence is a must and if we are not visible, nothing ever changes.
What is wrong with me? Nothing and everything.
Do I make a difference? Absolutely and not one bit, shit still happens, hate rules.
The grand conclusion, life is so rich and so vile, as things can be two things at once. Thankfully, for me, REAL world life has been so rich. I will continue trying to avoid the vile stuff.
6 Responses
Kandi,
Choose love. Well said.
And the first and most important person to love is yourself. If you do this honestly and openly then loving others comes naturally.
You are a tremendous example of how people should live and give of themselves to others. Your volunteer work is unparalleled to the rest of humanity. I congratulate you on the sacrifices you make so that others will be helped.
What’s important is for you to be you, just be Kandi. Don’t be on a mission or set examples or lead the world to be better. We all need validation of being a good person, and this comes from my second paragraph above.
What each of us physically look like is unimportant. And what other people think of our appearance is irrelevant. It’s what is inside that really matters.
I love you. And thousands of others do as well.
Jocelyn
You are beyond kind, my dear, dear friend! ❤️❤️❤️
Kandi,
Yet again you pose a very interesting question . ” What is wrong with me ?” Of course it’s not a question limited to being transgender but for us it is an intriguing one , ” What drives our need ? ” Away from this subject the simple answer is for some is ” Well you just can’t help being an A******E ! ”
While I’m no longer a member of CDers.com ( yes I was eventually banned !) I posted many thousands of posts , replies and comments . I learned from others and I hope eventually they learned something from me , at times I was accused of projecting but when reading their replies you could also accuse them of projecting their thoughts . It’s a subject so ingrained in many of us , lets face it we are stuck with or blessed with it for life , it will never leave us , purges and denials never work . I have written so many pieces on the subject none published but in doing so I gradually began to understand myself , it helped in ridding myself of the guilt and shame , we shouldn’t have those feelings over something we can do nothing about . No there isn’t anything wrong with me , the sad part is it took much of my life to come to that conclusion , the fact of having so many CIS friends now serves to reinforce that point
Sorry to be slightly cynical but perhaps we should rename SOCIAL MEDIA – UNSOCIAL MEDIA at times , I wonder how many people Worldwide have suffered badly from it ?
Do we make a difference ? Without question we DO ! I am free to be Teresa , you are free most of the time to be Kandi but so may are still suffering in isolation , if we help one person from reading our experiences then it’s been worth it .
😊
“I have no gender dysphoria”
Are you sure? Something you might want to ponder is your how you are feeling when you are not presenting as Kandi. Is there an anxiousness there, or a thirst that needs to be quenched?
-Christina
Cristina,
I understand the question, but I have spoken about the freedom Kandi is to me. While quite a bit is the feeling of femininity and the broad acceptance I get, she has no bills, no obligations, no responsibilities, which is a part of that freedom. I get to let go unlike many people, regardless of gender.
I do know without question, I could not, would not, be her 24/7. Of all the uncertainty, this I am sure of. This is different for all of us.
Also, my interpretation of gender dysphoria is an uncomfortableness with one’s body from birth. I do know, I have none of that.
I appreciate the perspective.
Kandi