One Last Try

By Amanda “Mandy” J.

My last few posts have chronicled the struggles with this side of myself that have been ongoing through most of 2024.  Far from being the impediment to she-time that I feared, the return home of my adult kids and resultant forced abstinence from CDing has largely not emotionally impacted me and life has chugged along quite nicely despite the stash remaining resolutely hidden.  Even when the planets did align, things didn’t go to plan – you can read the full account in ‘Perchance She Sleepeth’ so there’s no need to go over old ground here – and I have since passed over other opportunities to retrieve the stash for a bit of feminine time.

But in my last post – ‘Time For A Purge!’, you’ll recall that I talked about getting rid of things from my stash that were, for one reason or another, surplus to requirements.  And in ‘Perchance’ I talked about wanting to try a knitted dress & boots combo which turned out to be a resounding failure – sad to say that both the dress and the boots were included in the aforementioned purge.  But with space in the stash, a nagging desire to have another go at the knitted dress & boots combo and a temporarily empty house thanks to my son’s return to university and my daughter’s wanderlust for a few weeks, I decided to give the inner woman another chance.

As far as the ‘combo’ was concerned, the news was good.  In fact very good.  After an online search, I found an off-white knitted dress with a roll neck and a pair of knee length boots with a moderate heel in size UK9 (a little bit on the large size but that guaranteed that they’d be a lot more comfortable than my other UK8 shoes).  Both items were soon acquired and a quick try-on at home revealed that they fitted.  That just left finding an excuse to wear them.

That week had been a nightmare!  Resignations & recruitment of new staff and a near catastrophic computer failure in our business (luckily, I have a rigid backup regime so it was just a headache and a time consuming inconvenience in the end) took up most of my time but I finally had a day to myself and, after making sure that there was no chance of being caught in the act by Mrs A, I transformed myself into my far more fabulous alter ego.  And, without trying to sound too self-obsessed, as I surveyed my handiwork in the mirror, I knew that I’d never looked better (or to put it another way, my brows more or less matched, all of my foundation, concealer & contouring had been properly blended, my eyeliner application did not run the risk of me being renamed ‘Amanda the Panda’ and my lipstick had restricted itself to my lips and not encroached onto the surrounding area) and so, after packing essentials – keys, credit card, glasses, tissues & spare nails (for some reason, they refuse to stay put despite feeling firm when checked after attachment) – in my handbag and after a quick check to make sure the neighbours weren’t around, the front door was opened and the sudden chill of the breeze through the sheer nylon of my tights reminded me that ‘she’ was back.  But for how long?

I drove to a nearby town – near enough to avoid a long drive and far enough to make the risk of seeing anyone I know negligible – parked the car and then set about replacing the three fake nails that had already come adrift!  Finally, it was time to hit the shops and, as I waited with other shoppers for the lift/elevator down, I realised that I had lost all fear of being amongst others.  I also realised that I’d lost a further two fake nails since leaving the car so the first job was to find a seat to replace them!

With a full complement of nails once more, browsing was uneventful; I used the self-checkouts to pay for a handbag mirror and then looked for a new pendant and earrings to bolster my currently meagre collection of jewellery.  I found some that I liked but decided to stop for refreshments before buying them.  I’ve been to that coffee shop before and they always serve me with courtesy and without batting an eyelid and, after a tasty mince pie and mug of tea, it was time to return to the shops.

I entered what I thought was the shop that I’d seen the jewellery and as I walked through the shop, a smartly dressed sales assistant, probably in her mid to late 50s, smiled and said hello, then asked me how I was.  I responded and then asked her where the jewellery was and she pointed me in the right direction.  However, on arriving at the jewellery display, I realised that I was in the wrong shop and, as there was nothing of interest there, walked out.  But as I walked away, I reflected on how affirming she’d been.  She knew without any doubt that I was not female in the traditional sense of the word but it didn’t matter to her one little bit.  And then I knew what I had to do.  I turned round and returned to the shop.

She once again smiled as I walked up to her and said that I just wanted to tell her how much I appreciated the welcome she gave me adding that it’s not easy being me.  She continued to smile as she asked ‘why not’?  I said that life gives us roles as a parent and partner and it’s often not easy to be who we sometimes want to be.  She told me that I was very brave and we then talked briefly about the gorgeous clothes in her shop before I thanked her again and she wished me a nice day as I left.

Wow!  Did I really just do that?

I was on cloud nine as I left the shop but, of course, still hadn’t got what I actually wanted to buy – the jewellery.  I remembered which the correct shop was and returned there, found what I wanted on the display and then queued up to pay.  This time the sales assistant was a younger woman but once again could not have been more helpful starting the interaction by telling me that I’d chosen a lovely matching set.  Emboldened by what had happened in the other shop, I commented how beautiful their clothes were which she agreed with.  With a final ‘maybe one day, I’ll find a reason to wear some of them’ I left, hearing ‘have a lovely day’ being called out to me as I walked away.

That was enough excitement for one day so I made my way back to the car, bending down as I arrived to retrieve on of my fake nails which had jettisoned itself on the way out (and then found another on the passenger seat, a third in my coat pocket and a fourth in my handbag), and drove back home, still elated at what had happened.

-o-O-o-

As I wrote this post, I realised that for many (and certainly for every single one of my co-contributors) this is old news and despite all of the so-called ‘anti trans rhetoric’ we hear so much about, most people we encounter will realise that under the exterior, we are just human beings trying to live an honest life and will treat us exactly as they’ll treat anyone else, regardless of how they feel about the headline trans issues which are a major talking point these days.  And as I found out today, respect for what it means to be a woman is rewarded in spades by the community we aspire to.

Maybe I should feel disappointed that the first lady did not tell me how good I looked as a female or the second lady didn’t call me madam or some other feminine epithet.  But the truth is that had they done so, it would have had a hint of fakeness about it because my provenance as a biological male was never in doubt and, indeed, I actually outed myself to the first assistant, not that it was necessary.  But as I interacted with both of those wonderful sales assistants, I realised that it didn’t matter one little bit because they were both accepting me for exactly what I was – a trans person in some shape or form – not for something I was trying to be but could never be.

So is Amanda back?  The short answer is yes but there’s a longer answer too.  As I said above, the constraints I have lived with this year proved to me that I no longer need to indulge in what I think of as ‘mindless’ CDing – sitting around in women’s clothing for a few hours at home for no other reason than to sit around in women’s clothing for a few hours.  It distracts me from other priorities in my life, there’s always the feeling that I’m all dressed up with nowhere to go and I have found that the law of diminishing returns means that I often don’t feel it worthwhile going to all of the effort of transformation, and the considerable undertaking of clean up at the end of it all, just to admire myself in front of the mirror a few times.  Added to which, the current opportunities are only temporary and by Christmas the house will be full once more.

There’s also the issue of respecting the spirit of Mrs A’s DADT concession.  Yes, at a fundamental level the fact that she doesn’t want to hear anything about it does give me freedom but I’m well aware that the thought of me venturing out of the house did not feature on her radar in any shape or form when she gave her blessing.  I do have to look after my own needs – one of the points I made when confessing for a second time was that being able to occasionally express my feminine side would help me be a better husband for the rest of the time – but equally I do have a responsibility to respect the marriage and Mrs A’s expectations within that.

But what I experienced in this outing really helped to reawaken my feminine side.  Perhaps I’m getting closer and closer to understanding who I really am; I’ve come to love the duality of my personality but had previously done my best to hide one side of me (in particular by avoiding direct contact with others), even when my appearance left no doubt that the feminine side had come out to play, so to speak.   Equally, though, I don’t need to be atop a pair of stilettos or fully made up to see life through my feminine lens.  It’s true that those motifs are essentially for others to see me in that way but they’re not prerequisites for self-identification.

So what that means is that the stash won’t see the light of day nearly as often as it used to but when it does, it’ll be with the purpose of showing the world how proud I am to be me.  

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11 Responses

  1. Amanda (Mandy??? ugh),

    Let me start at your post’s ending and work back to the front.

    Being proud of who we are is the best feeling in the world. It took me a few outings to reach that level of self respect, and now I am always proud showing the world who I am.

    You wonderfully describe your encounters with the SAs. And why not be who you are? These short conversations are extremely affirming. You are a woman doing some shopping, no big deal.

    Stick on nails, never for me! You illustrate perfectly why I will never try them. I have had a few manicures with lovely red nails. I have also painted my own fingernails with great success. Maybe 15 minutes to apply and 5 minutes to remove after my outing.

    I can’t fully express my joy of looking at my hands while having coloured nails. Pure feminine joy!

    There is also the fabulous feeling of trying on a new dress and shoes, and knowing they work. Looking in the mirror and seeing a beautiful woman looking back is an inner sensation that we all understand. A photo would have helped your readers fully appreciate your beauty. But hey, your day was for you, not us.

    And finally; I am so happy for you. I am thrilled that you presented to the world who you are. All of us CD/TG ladies eventually feel comfortable being out and about. It is who we are. No need to be fearful or nervous. Thank you for setting an example to others.

    Lots of love to you, dear friend.
    Jocelyn

    1. Jocelyn, thank you as always for your support and kind words.

      This is probably one of the most important things I’ve ever posted here as it marks the point when the last shreds of delusion left me! It’s the realisation that all of those photos I’ve deleted in the past because they didn’t paint me in the light I aspire to depicted how others see me and if they don’t care, why should I? I’m not proud to be a TV/CD or however else anyone wants to describe me – in fact I’d rather be rid of it, given the havoc it plays in my life – but I am proud that I can project an image that respects what it means to be a woman and that that respect can be reciprocated. The message to anyone reading this is not to be ashamed of who or what we are.

      The news regarding nails is good. After fighting a losing battle on this day out, I found a different type on Amazon that come on a sprue like a model kit and were dirt cheap – £6.99 for 120! Because they’re a bit thinner than the ones causing the previous problems, they’re less springy and I managed to keep a full set on for several hours around the house (using sticky pads ) without problem and they even survived doing the washing up.

      You’re right about the feelings we get when the outfit just seems to work. For me, it was a real confidence booster to know that I was just blending in and, more importantly, that my footwear wasn’t going to conspire against me which has been an issue in the past. If ever there was an expression that epitomises this, it’s ‘less is more’ and trips out are far more rewarding when the femme is toned down to the levels that other women adopt rather than overdoing it and then constantly worrying about being ‘clocked’!

      Thank you again.

  2. Amanda, your closing thoughts are exactly why I have so few outings. I have almost no interest anymore in getting dressed for the sake of getting dressed, I want to go out and be seen as another woman going about her day or night. However, my opportunity for doing this is extremely limited, as my wife is firmly opposed to my dressing at all. She knows that I have clothes, she hates that I have hidden it, she dislikes knowing that I wear a smaller size, and she is unaware of the extent of my wardrobe (wig, makeup, and forms included). So my stash stays in its place for months at a time, and I enjoy reading about the experiences and adventures of others.

    I have to agree with Jocelyn on nails, I have never liked fake nails and always try to get a manicure before going out. I’ve gotten color in both male and female modes without batting an eye! I feel very confident when they have been cleaned up and polished.

    Finally, let me say that it is wonderful to see your progress through a difficult year to arrive at this level of acceptance. Ups and downs will naturally occur, but understanding the meaning of life as a CD/TG is an ongoing struggle for so many. You are so wise to know what works best for you and Amanda – at least at this point in time. “Quality over quantity” is my mantra for my outings.

    Love, Tina

    1. Tina, thank you for sharing your thoughts. The life we lead will inevitably be challenging, particularly if our two sides are not completely compatible with each other. The situation with wives is particularly fraught, not least because the total respect we have for women and our commitment to conform with their societal norms completely goes against what they want from their husband (i.e. a man!). I know that, on a superficial level, Mrs A would be horrified to learn of the extent of my stash and the way that it has been used but there are far deeper issues at play too, not least my affection for the blonde in the mirror! I never want to put her in the position of having to unconditionally accept my feminine alter ego but equally am mindful that there will be times that I need her to look the other way when her retirement means that I no longer have the space I sometimes need.

      Thank you also for your kind words about my progress this year. What I’ve achieved has long seemed an impossible dream, not least because I never for one moment thought that it would feel so right.

      And finally, thank you for sharing your adventures from time to time; as with Jocelyn’s, they are so relatable for me and have been a real help in propelling this side of myself forwards.

  3. Another well written, thoughtful and thought provoking post Mandy. I totally enjoyed it and was with you as you conversed with the other women as I read it. I also totally related to your issues with the nails girl. I used to have lovely nails but as I aged they became brittle and broke, cracked hence stick one. I’m so happy your day went so well and still insist you project as an attractive lady and are too hard on yourself. Have a wonderful day girl. Luv ya to bits.

    Trish ❤️

    1. Trish, thanks!

      I think the problem with the nails is that they’re designed for more rounded fingers than mine. I use sticky pads but the nails seem to be under a bit of tension as they’re pressed on and tend to quickly work loose. As I mentioned to Jocelyn above, I found some cheapies on Amazon which are noticeably of poorer quality than my previous ones. However, because they’re thinner, they don’t have the same amount of springiness and seem to remain in place far longer than the old ones. Sadly, my real nails are a bit of a state with some bitten and others grown long for guitar playing so as long as I can keep them on, the fake ones are a godsend.

  4. Amanda,
    I agree with Tina about getting dressed for the sake of getting dressed. For the last decade plus I have only bought and worn women’s shoes and for the past 8+ years have mostly bought only women’s clothes. In reality, I’m only CDing when I have something male on. I rarely get all dressed up just to sit around. Those days are gone. But I still like to practice with makeup, and the new lippy from MAC is yummy, tastes like chocolate.
    I fully understand getting a warm greeting by store greeters. I frequently get “I just love your nails” or “I love those boots” instead of the standard “Welcome”. It always gives me that warm feeling.
    To quote Popeye: “I yam what I yam. I am what I am, and that’s all that I am.”
    Cali

    1. Cali, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Sales assistants are an interesting ‘species’ and from what I’ve read here and elsewhere, I sense that there’s quite a big difference between ours in the UK and yours. Ours tend to be far more reserved than I think yours are presumably because a lot of Brits prefer to ‘buy’ things rather than be ‘sold’ them if you get my drift. What I sensed with both of the ladies I interacted with, though, was a degree of compassion; they obviously knew the situation but wanted to make things easy for me – the first with her welcome and the second by commenting that I’d chosen a nice matching set. Both shops were national chains so I guess they’re fairly used to seeing the likes of me but whether their reactions were the result of training or just because they were nice people (which they were regardless) didn’t matter because they achieved far more than just making my day!

  5. Amanda,

    All of us girls have our own niche or comfort zone here we feel most comfortable. I’m so happy that you seem to have found yours.

    Fiona

  6. 3 comments:
    Over the Years Impress has really improved the “stickyness” of their nails
    I doubt that you would have received the same treatment if the SA’s were male.Non-spousal women in my experience have been much more positive than males
    from reading numerous letters etc over the years I’ve concluded that the majority of folks just like us only engage in mindless CD’ing. Never got it-a waste of time and not fulfilling.

  7. Wow, Amanda what a wonderful experience. And what a realization that I have yet to experience. I’m so happy to read that Amanda was back for the moment. You have been a mother to me and one of my idols over the past few years. I’ve read so much about Kandi and others going out and interacting personally with others and never having a negative experience.

    I feel just like what the others mentioned here that it’s no fun to get dressed up and then stay in the house. How boring and pointless. It’s wonderful and exciting to go out and be seen as a woman even if you don’t pass. I’ve gone out a number of times now but still not interacted with others personally, although I have been in crowded public places. Mostly being afraid of how gruff and out of place my voice might sound in contrast to the image I was trying to portray.

    You described here what Kandi has said over and over, the fact that she accepts the fact and reality that most of us can never expect to actually pass as female. But by dressing and acting in a respectable and appropriate manner, whatever the occasion be, she has never had a bad experience doing it and has in fact often been welcomed and treated as a woman by other women.

    In fact I remember her or you or someone on this sight I think, it was a long time ago that I read it, said something to the effect that we can always pass as a transwoman and our own behavior and attitude while doing so is what makes the difference in how we are treated.

    Thank you for sharing this wonderful and insightful post. It was a joy to read.

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