By Teresa H.
I often mention in my replies that I have little or no problems with being misgendered, in the last six years I’ve just got on with life as Teresa. I’ve joined art groups and a National Trust group, I’ve taken an art group on a guided tour of my old home town and taken holidays with my NT group without a single out of place comment.
I’ve attended the two art groups on a Wednesday and Friday at the same venue for two or three years, I’ve always been surprised how different they are, the Friday group being the one where we have more fun and sometimes crazy conversations. We break for coffee and biscuits and usually I need to visit the toilet (a sign of old age!!), in all that time I never hesitated in using the ladies without a problem. This morning I used them as usual after the coffee break but this time an elderly lady stopped me in the lobby and said, “excuse me, have you just used the ladies toilet? ” I smiled and replied, ” yes “. She then continued by saying, “oh , but don’t you have a penis?” I looked at her with a quizzed look and replied, “actually I don’t !”, with that she stared at me for a few moments and walked away. After all this time it did feel like I’d been kicked where it hurts, OK I did lie to her but what choice did I have, what would any of you replied in the same circumstances? I shall have to get over it but obviously I will quietly avoid her but the question is will the one rotten apple spoil the barrel with the rest of the group?
The lady concerned lives on my estate so the problem may have arisen because I still meet up with a dog walker who she knows, the situation could have arisen from him as he knew me in male mode and he’s not always discreet with his conversations. I can’t help thinking, despite being a good friend since I moved to my new home town I might have to quietly end that friendship because he has given me a similar problem with other people.
Returning to the conversation, it upset me in several ways, the main one being her lack of respect over questioning anyone’s gender. It really is so rude to ask about another person’s anatomy, would she like being asked about her private parts, some women can look extremely masculine but would you embarrass them by asking? It also raises the more ridiculous situation of being seen using a male toilet, ironically I could be asked the reverse question by a man. It also raises the point of using multi gendered toilets so the question doesn’t arise.
Perhaps I’m being naive to think this would never happen, in fact I wonder if I’d had surgery she would have still questioned me but at least I now have my driving licence and passport that designates me female, I have no intentions of going any further to prove the point, that remains my business.
10 Responses
Teresa,
That woman’s question/comment was totally inappropriate. It is none of her business what people have, or have not, between their legs.
I don’t know what the appropriate response should be.
Be safe and happy.
Jocelyn
she could have followed up with a question “do you want to see it” or just lied and followed up with the question.
Hi Teresa,
I’m so sorry you had to experience what you did. I thought for a question that shocking coming from some one you hardly know you handled it pretty well. Personally I think I would have been speechless and just walked away. It seems like some seniors, as they age, lose all inhibitions they may have had and just spout out what first comes to mind.
I don’t think you need to worry about her spoiling things with you and your group. I think this elderly lady is showing signs of dementia and a total lack of class but I highly doubt she is vendictive.
At worst she ruined an entire day for you and caused you a lot of unnecessary grief. I would have a polite talk with the dog walker though. I hope one day you can tell this story to a close friend and both have a good laugh about the whole misadventure. Keep in mind too I think this occurrence is a one of. Had the dog walker not had loose lips it never would have happened. I’m sending you my warmest hugs girl. I hope they help a little bit.
Trish❤️🤗
Trish,
Many thanks for your comments , since this incident certain details have emerged , the dog walker has assured me that he’s never had a conversation with her but he also informed that before she retired she worked inside a prison . The transgender situation within prisons isn’t a good one , I guess I was unlucky that she knew what to look for and tried to confirm her suspicions by confronting me , personally I would say she is a vinditive control freak , she knew exactly what she was saying .
Jocelyn,
On reflection I possibly made the correct response , I was very calm with my reply , she can neither prove or disprove my answer . My daughter was was really annoyed and disgusted by the incident , she agreed it was totally inapproriate .
If I may add a postscript to this story .
With great sadness I’ve had to accept my dear old Volvo estate is due for a replacement , it’s 16 years old and has problems with the DPF . The repair garage owner has been very fair with me so it’s been decided he will give me a good deal against a newer model . His wife works the reception desk and between them they have alway refered to me as a ” lady ” . He had a couple of cars to show me so we chatted away while I took them for a test drive , when we returned we had some fun settling a final deal between the three of us . It all felt so normal , they weren’t being pleasant to make the sale they were just genuine , why wouldn’t they be ?
Looking back at the incident I should try and see it as something sad rather than be annoyed by it , her comments aren’t going to change me . It still begs the question why people do this , what do they get out of it ?
I’m glad to hear what has transpired since the incident. But at the end of the day it’s still hard to believe that the elderly women would even think about asking that question of anyone. As they say “ they live among us”.
Trish ❤️
Trish is probably right about saying nothing In all these years I have had just one encounter and did the same but it really because I was stunned. It has been 5 years but I keep telling my self if it ever happens ago I intend to go in to total verbal attack mode.By her awful conduct this woman negated any respect due to her age. And think of this-she may have been a bitch her whole life.Please don’t let this rock you in any way. It is about odds- just like eventually some waiter will spill the food in your lap.Eat out enough and it will happen. So enjoy being a girl and screw it
Teresa,
I read your post with great sadness. Even though we all know that “evil lurks in the hearts of (wo)man,” we deserve and should be able to expect better. By way of alternative explanation rather than excuse, it must be said that with age many of us lose some frontal lobe capacity, which governs impulse control. Saying what you think is all too common, even when what you think is inappropriate.
I haven’t had this experience and pray I do not, but I was misgendered in front of others once and I cried for hours, so I best be prepared for the next time something like that happens. We can not let these things defeat us, as we have every right to be ourselves!
Lisa
Lisa,
I agree perhaps we should consider underlying problems in explanation , I also admit being sensitive to this kind of person . My father was an outspoken bully and it transpired my wife needed to be in control , I consider myself a resilient person but living with so many years under the control of others leaves it’s mark . My life is so different now , I’m more in control of it , I’m happier living as I prefer to live but when meet a person like this it can open up old wounds .
Lisa, if it does happen please feel free to contact me , it’s important at these times we have someone to talk to that understands , we must stand up to people like this , they shouldn’t be allowed to succeed .
Emily,
You make a very important point about respect , I’m always polite when I meet the lady and her husband in their garden as they live a short distance away but she has now sadly destroyed all that .
I tried not to let it rock me , it’s as much to do with being rude to people , I couldn’t do that ! .
Your’e so right I enjoy being Teresa , I wonder if she enjoys her life as much ? Perhaps that’s the crux of her problem !