While coaching people, I’ve had this question repeatedly come up. My friend Savannah Hauk has a wonderful book that deep-dives into this issue and many similar ones.
I urge you to pick it up on Amazon, it’s called “Living With Crossdressing“.
Introducing the topic of crossdressing to your wife or girlfriend can be a sensitive conversation. It’s important to be honest, open, and understanding while discussing this aspect of your identity.
Here are some suggestions on how to broach the subject, as well as potential benefits both partners can enjoy:
Choose the right time and place:
Select a comfortable and private setting where you can have a focused and open conversation without distractions or interruptions.
Be honest and open:
Explain your feelings and desires regarding crossdressing, emphasizing that it is a part of who you are and not a reflection of your love or commitment to your partner. Share your experiences and how long you have been feeling this way.
Emphasize that it’s not a threat:
Assure your partner that your desire to crossdress does not mean you are questioning your gender identity, nor does it mean you are unhappy in the relationship or seeking someone else.
Offer reassurance and support:
Be prepared to answer any questions your partner may have and address any concerns they may express. Encourage open dialogue and let them know you are willing to listen and understand their feelings too.
Highlight potential benefits:
Emphasize the positive aspects of exploring this side of your identity together, such as:
a. Bonding experiences:
Dressing up together can be a fun and intimate way to connect on a deeper level, as well as an opportunity to experiment with different looks and styles.
b. Expanding social circles:
Embracing your crossdressing can lead to new friendships and connections with others who share similar interests, providing both partners with an expanded social network.
c. Increased empathy and understanding:
Sharing this aspect of your life can foster a deeper appreciation for each other’s feelings, experiences, and perspectives, strengthening your emotional connection.
d. Boosting self-confidence:
Supporting each other’s self-expression can help both partners feel more confident and comfortable in their own skin.
Take it slow:
If your partner is open to the idea, start gradually by incorporating small elements of crossdressing into your daily life or special occasions. This can help ease them into the idea and demonstrate your commitment to making the experience enjoyable for both parties.
Remember, the most important aspect of this conversation is to be open, honest, and understanding. It may take time for your partner to adjust to the idea, so be patient and give them the space they need to process their feelings.
WHAT IF SHE REJECTS THE IDEA?
If your partner rejects the idea of you crossdressing, it’s essential to respect their feelings and boundaries while also taking care of your own emotional well-being. Here are some steps to consider if your partner is not supportive:
Give them time and space:
Understand that your partner may need time to process the information and their emotions. Be patient and allow them the space to come to terms with it.
Keep the communication lines open:
Encourage open and honest discussions about the topic, addressing any concerns or questions your partner may have.
Offer reassurance that you still love and care for them, and emphasize that this aspect of your identity doesn’t change your commitment to the relationship.
Seek compromise:
If your partner is uncomfortable with you crossdressing around them, consider discussing possible compromises, such as crossdressing only when they are not present or limiting it to specific situations.
Explore support systems:
If your partner isn’t supportive, it’s important to have a network of friends, family, or support groups that understand and accept your crossdressing. Connecting with others who share similar experiences can provide emotional support and guidance.
Consider professional help:
If the issue continues to strain your relationship, seeking couples counseling or therapy can help both partners navigate their feelings and work towards understanding and acceptance.
Assess your priorities:
It’s crucial to reflect on your own needs and what you value most in your relationship. If crossdressing is an essential aspect of your identity and happiness, and your partner remains unsupportive, you may need to consider whether the relationship is truly fulfilling for both parties.
Remember, relationships are built on mutual understanding, trust, and respect. If your partner cannot accept this part of your identity, it’s important to have open conversations and work together to find a path forward that respects both partners’ needs and desires.
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6 Responses
Gwen, this is very good advice and anyone who is either contemplating coming out to their wife or is CDing under the marital radar and may have their hand forced in the future is well advised to take heed of it. The only thing I’d add is to try to consider the situation from the wife’s point of view – that’s why Kandi’s ‘Open Letter’ is so good.
I obviously have a lot of experience of the second part of the post – ‘what if she rejects the idea’ – and, in retrospect, there are two particularly valuable pieces of advice there. Firstly, keep the communication lines open – if it becomes a ‘subject not to be discussed’ as it did in my case, it’s very difficult to resurrect when we realise that things run far deeper than we thought when we originally confessed and that has significant knock on effects into all aspects of the relationship, not just the issues surrounding CDing. The second is to give them time and space. In my case, it took 9 years to get final resolution but that was probably 7 or 8 longer than it should have taken due to the shutting down of the communication lines. In the end, what a disapproving wife needs more than anything else is the reassurance that it won’t affect the marriage and once they have thar reassurance, concessions may be forthcoming as they eventually were in my case.
Great post about the biggest challenge many of us face.
Amanda,
An absolutely wonderful response post. I can only go into so much in the interest of space. Your comments are right on point.
Gwen
Great advice by both of you. I told my wife very early on in our relationship as I honestly felt she was the one. I wanted to give her the chance to either accept or go and thankfully she decided to stay and try and deal with the issue. She found it very difficult and it took many years before I was able to do anything. We started very slowly mainly when we’re being intimate. It was important that I didn’t push it and of course at one point I did . She put a stop to it and I think it set us back a few years , we nearly even went or seperate ways . So where you say about taking it slow is very important. The last 12 months have been great my wife now lets me dress when my daughter is not home, we shop together, she is happy to talk about it as long as I don’t go overboard. I never ever thought I would see this from her but it’s proof that love can get you through anything. I feel so much more connected emotionally to her now and I’m so thankful and for the first time in my life , I feel fully accepted for who I am . I’m still the man she married and now she gets an even better version of me . I’m so happy and I hope that all other couples in our situation can find away to be as happy and in love as we are . Acceptance , compromise, communication, honesty , trust and love are vital in any relationship. As I always say “ cross dressing, I’m never cross when I’m dressed!” I’m loving this community here on Kandis-land ❤️
Chris,
I loved the part where you mentioned that now she gets a better version of you. I call it my super power. Not only does my wife get her husband but a girlfriend. Bonus time!
Thanks Gwen. It’s an amazing feeling when the person you love the most in the world accepts you totally. The feeling of freedom that comes with that is just beautiful. I don’t feel like I need to hide anything anymore and it’s like a massive weight off my shoulders. I used to feel guilty before, dressing in private, buying clothes behind her back . Now I dress in front of her , we buy clothes together and I can talk about my feminine side with her . I feel like I have been re born in a way . It’s so nice having this place to share stories and experiences 🙂
Wow, Gwen!
Before finding and reading this, I wrote a draft of my recent experience of introducing my femininity to my wife, to submit to Kandi for my contribution.
And I posted a comment on another of your posts. Then I found this.
Thank you!
It was such a treat to read your steps and realize that I had followed nearly all of them before I read this. Very affirming and you were right on with your advice.
I will review, edit and submit my writing