Not too long ago, on my 60th birthday, I went through a terrible argument with my wife about my wanting to crossdress. You see, my passion for feeling like a woman, or urge as some may see it, was only growing over time. It was hard to think of anything else.
My wife is wonderful. We’ve been together 30 years, but she wants her husband back, and although she supports me as I explore Gwen, occasionally I get a backslide to “I miss my husband” or something similar. I’ll spare you the details, but that day, it led to me purging🤮 everything related to Gwen. Thousands of dollars in jewelry💎, clothing👗, make-up💄 wigs👩, shoes👠, you name it. They all went in the trash.
I then went into a deep depression. I felt like I lost part of myself.
Has anyone else had a purge, or two or three?
Sure, most of my friends have gone through something similar.
It was blatantly apparent that I couldn’t live this way, and my wife saw it.😬
We agreed, and Gwen was reborn. Don’t get me wrong, we still battle the male-female part of our marriage, but we’re in a much better place.
Some of you reading this right now, know you have your female part within you, and you are holding it back, playing it safe, and marginalizing yourself and your truth because you fear something or lack the confidence within yourself to release yourself.
IMHO, the purge feeling comes from the conflict from societal norms pounded on us from the moment we’re born. We fight out feelings with our intellectual.
The terrifying thing is your femme feelings may have gone unrealized for so long. For myself, I buried it for over 40 years.
We’ve become so familiar with our femme selves having been “domesticated” and aren’t aware we’ve been subdued by societal beliefs.
We default to our comfort zone and don’t even give ourselves a chance to ask, “Would I and the world be better served if I released my true self?”.
The scary thing about operating from a domestication vantage point is that most don’t even realize it’s happening. Our prior beliefs sound and feel so right and logical that we defend them even when creating what we do not want in our lives.
I want to leave you on a positive note as I always do. If you’ve already done a purge (or many), you will get through it. But the next time, you have the power of understanding to fight it.
My rule is to never make big decisions when I’m in a lower state mentally. I will usually regret it. Take a breath🙂. Let the “urge to purge” pass until you can make a decision from a better state emotionally.🤗
If you’re considering a “purge,” given time, know that the feeling to be your true self will always resurface. It’s who you are.
Be strong.
Gwen Patrone
9 Responses
Ah yes the purge, it happens to the best of us girls
In fact even after my divorce, which I really never wanted I went through a purge because I was getting involved with a lady and my hope was she doesn’t need to know nor do I want my fem self involved with my new relationship
Well the relationship didn’t continue, nothing to do with my girl side
So my minor purge, because thank goodness I didn’t move it all out was sad.
Now I’ve bought more clothes, but of course that’s what girls do we shop and we buy.
If I find myself getting serious with someone again I’m not sure what I will do but purging isn’t going to be a part I’m me and well they will need to love all of me
If you are compelled/coerced to purge, do consider donating ‘your stash’ to your local TG/CD support group clothing, (wigs, forms, ect) supply.
Otherwise consider renting a storage unit, rather than experiencing later, ‘the grief of loss’. You will sooner of later regret trashing your ‘secret wardrobe’. Just the thought of having this discrete inventory can act as a ‘safety valve’ , dealing with the ‘urge’.
In spite of what you would assume, this binge/purge dynamic is not just part of ‘crossdressing’ or ‘food’. I have known various collectors of ‘soft porn’, — magazines such as Playboy or Penthouse, self produced photos, womans undies, ect , that go through cycles of collection/elation to purge/shame.
Quitting this type of behavior ‘cold turkey’ is not the answer. Give yourself time to get over the cyclic ‘shame/guilt’ feelings.
Otherwise, you should not feel shame over this predilection. If you are in a relationship, do ‘come clean’ early in the relationship. If your behavior is a ‘deal killer’ for your relationship, at least you dont have problems with divorce, ect…
Velma
Purging: been there done that. It took 35 years to bring my femme self back to life. I’m glad I did.
Jocelyn
I was a serial purger and learned the hard way that you don’t throw out the inner woman with the clothes but consign her to be locked in with no means of escape.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with trying to live without CDing but I had far more success sealing the bags containing my ‘stash’ with cable ties to give a psychological barrier than I ever did by getting rid of the stuff. Counterintuitively, knowing that everything was ready and waiting if I needed it was extremely helpful in not needing it.
Nowadays, I accept that this is a part of me and purging is absolutely a thing of the past.
I bought my 1st article of female clothing when I was 29 or 30. I found out about Lee Brewster and Terri was born. I only purged once. I will be 75 this month. In the past if felt the need to purge I would put all my femme items in the attic. Now I have a storage and changing location I rent. I know Terri will always be a part of my life.
I am happy to say I have never purged. I know this is an integral part of who I am and purging will not change that. Years ago when I was a moderator on a now defunct site, I would urge want-to-be purgers to pack their items into storage containers and store the containers away. Later, if they still wanted to purge they could still do it, but if you purge you can’t undo. I think the idea of donating to a TG’CD support group is a great idea.
And purging is very expensive!!!!!
Women’s fashion changes all the time. You will never again find that LBD that fits so great.
When I was a closeted CD, I purged any number of times but always came back to it. I think many of us have at some point. Since I’ve come out and started living full time as a woman, the problem now is that I am filling up too many closets and of course paying higher credit card bills!
I too was a serial purger. I used to go through cycles of collecting, dressing, euphoria, shame, guilt, anger, purge, wait a few weeks/months … repeat. Being afraid and embarrassed, I shopped by just dashing into the thrift store and grabbing a few items that might fit. When I got to the safety and privacy of my home about 80% of my purchases didn’t fit or looked hideous on me. But there were a few outfits/items i really wish I had kept. That was my life in the 90s! I’ve come to a better understanding of myself so now days I purge mostly to keep the size of my wardrobe manageable, purging stuff I never wear or don’t fit my current dressing tastes.
Gwen,
For many years I had nothing to purge because I was secretly wearing my wife’s clothing , as it goes back so many years I always had it in the back of my mind that it was something we eventually grow out of . Age might be the cure but as you found age deepens the desires and needs . It was never my intention to go out in public possibly from the feelings guilt and shame but at the same time I liked the highs by ventureing out to buy items especially underwear . you gradually become aware that you’re fighting a powerful and overwhelming force , what was that inner force I battled with ? To finally come out to my wife solved very little and it’s possibly the first time in your life when you discover what really makes you tick and how it can devestate people’s lives . When I sought counselling I allowed doors to open for me , I admitted I was buying my own clothes so I no longer carried the guilt of using items my wife’s , it didn’t go down well but she did see the logic in my decision which meant I didn’t have to purge because she knew I had them although she still didn’t fully understand why .
Now I live full time the only purge is the need to dispense with male clothes otherwise I’m like any other woman who tends hold of items more out of sentiment .I know some shoes are too high for someone my age to wear and the few extra pounds that come with age means some items are too small or too short .