Not too long ago, on my 60th birthday, I went through a terrible argument with my wife about my wanting to crossdress. You see, my passion for feeling like a woman, or urge as some may see it, was only growing over time. It was hard to think of anything else.
My wife is wonderful. We’ve been together 30 years, but she wants her husband back, and although she supports me as I explore Gwen, occasionally I get a backslide to “I miss my husband” or something similar. I’ll spare you the details, but that day, it led to me purging🤮 everything related to Gwen. Thousands of dollars in jewelry💎, clothing👗, make-up💄 wigs👩, shoes👠, you name it. They all went in the trash.
I then went into a deep depression. I felt like I lost part of myself.
Has anyone else had a purge, or two or three?
Sure, most of my friends have gone through something similar.
It was blatantly apparent that I couldn’t live this way, and my wife saw it.😬
We agreed, and Gwen was reborn. Don’t get me wrong, we still battle the male-female part of our marriage, but we’re in a much better place.
Some of you reading this right now, know you have your female part within you, and you are holding it back, playing it safe, and marginalizing yourself and your truth because you fear something or lack the confidence within yourself to release yourself.
IMHO, the purge feeling comes from the conflict from societal norms pounded on us from the moment we’re born. We fight out feelings with our intellectual.
The terrifying thing is your femme feelings may have gone unrealized for so long. For myself, I buried it for over 40 years.
We’ve become so familiar with our femme selves having been “domesticated” and aren’t aware we’ve been subdued by societal beliefs.
We default to our comfort zone and don’t even give ourselves a chance to ask, “Would I and the world be better served if I released my true self?”.
The scary thing about operating from a domestication vantage point is that most don’t even realize it’s happening. Our prior beliefs sound and feel so right and logical that we defend them even when creating what we do not want in our lives.
I want to leave you on a positive note as I always do. If you’ve already done a purge (or many), you will get through it. But the next time, you have the power of understanding to fight it.
My rule is to never make big decisions when I’m in a lower state mentally. I will usually regret it. Take a breath🙂. Let the “urge to purge” pass until you can make a decision from a better state emotionally.🤗
If you’re considering a “purge,” given time, know that the feeling to be your true self will always resurface. It’s who you are.
Be strong.
Gwen Patrone
3 Responses
Ah yes the purge, it happens to the best of us girls
In fact even after my divorce, which I really never wanted I went through a purge because I was getting involved with a lady and my hope was she doesn’t need to know nor do I want my fem self involved with my new relationship
Well the relationship didn’t continue, nothing to do with my girl side
So my minor purge, because thank goodness I didn’t move it all out was sad.
Now I’ve bought more clothes, but of course that’s what girls do we shop and we buy.
If I find myself getting serious with someone again I’m not sure what I will do but purging isn’t going to be a part I’m me and well they will need to love all of me
If you are compelled/coerced to purge, do consider donating ‘your stash’ to your local TG/CD support group clothing, (wigs, forms, ect) supply.
Otherwise consider renting a storage unit, rather than experiencing later, ‘the grief of loss’. You will sooner of later regret trashing your ‘secret wardrobe’. Just the thought of having this discrete inventory can act as a ‘safety valve’ , dealing with the ‘urge’.
In spite of what you would assume, this binge/purge dynamic is not just part of ‘crossdressing’ or ‘food’. I have known various collectors of ‘soft porn’, — magazines such as Playboy or Penthouse, self produced photos, womans undies, ect , that go through cycles of collection/elation to purge/shame.
Quitting this type of behavior ‘cold turkey’ is not the answer. Give yourself time to get over the cyclic ‘shame/guilt’ feelings.
Otherwise, you should not feel shame over this predilection. If you are in a relationship, do ‘come clean’ early in the relationship. If your behavior is a ‘deal killer’ for your relationship, at least you dont have problems with divorce, ect…
Velma
Purging: been there done that. It took 35 years to bring my femme self back to life. I’m glad I did.
Jocelyn