By Cristy Garcia
Cristy is a friend and sister. She is an amazing person and I am thrilled to have some of her thoughts to post here. This particular post has been viewed by over 90,000 people on her Flickr page, where it originally ran.
As Cristy goes through her nth hibernation period, I will indulge in sharing with you some of my life experiences and thoughts. They will not be related to the photo posted but I will use the photo as a hook to get you to read the text as I intend for this to become a forum of discussion now that Flickr allows us to respond to comments. I can only express my opinion from the “heterosexual cross-dresser” point of view given that I have been certain, for almost 30, years that this is what I am and will always be. My hope is to shed some light to those who are currently confused about their gender identity, at least from one of the TG benchmarks.
When you have lived a life of gender dichotomy, it is tempting to force yourself to choose a side and abandon the other; especially when it is not simple or easy to find the right balance. Confusion and the paradigm that there are two opposite genders that can’t coexist in an individual can be a burden as we grow up and even throughout life. I know that each person’s case can be different but there are many similarities and even identical characteristics that are common to each of the different gender identity “disorders” that have been identified so far.
Many of you know that I, like most of us, went through stages of ignorance, exploration, confusion and acceptance since I had conscience that I was different from the stereotypical boy, adolescent and man. Yes, I loved playing male sports and playing with boy toys and would fit in perfectly with the “standard” of the conventional boy. However, since very early in childhood I was intrigued by feminine clothes and felt an urge to wear them. What is interesting is that I would not want to look like a girl my age but rather dress as a young woman would. Maybe because I did not have a sister then and the clothes I had access to where my mother’s but I never considered wearing frilly dresses or bows or anything of the sort. I thought it was a phase that would pass with time but as I grew older and into my teens, I would seek a more complete transformation and was very creative at achieving my goal. By then I knew it was not just a phase, would feel ashamed and knew I had to keep it a secret. Still, I would take every opportunity to be left home alone to raid my mother’s closet. Was I the only freak who had this strange urge? We know now that there are more of us than we could ever imagine and that is just counting those who have the guts to admit it and share it online.
As puberty arrived, a sexual component appeared and wearing women clothes or makeup would arouse me. It was not the feel of the fabric or that I wanted to be a girl even though I did my best to look like one. It was a combination of sensations that I found difficult to understand or explain and that only those who share them can fully relate to.
To be continued…
Cristy, first of all, it’s great to see you here. You were one of the first girls to properly come to my attention when I rekindled activities to do with this side of my life just over a decade ago and I have watched many of your YouTube videos open mouthed at the transformation you achieved. And you’ve got an amazing sense of style, too!
I’ve said the same thing to several other contributors too but so much of your experiences coincided with mine. No sister’s so mother’s clothes it was. Interest focussed on the young woman rather than girl look. The sexual component in puberty. And so on.
What I find particularly sad is that so many of us had no one to turn to. The shame was debilitating and far too many of us tried to bury it rather than seek help & guidance, not that I think that any we would have got would have been particularly supportive in the 1970s. That’s why sharing our experiences is so important now and I hope that, in and amongst the older girls and admirers that come here, there are some younger girls who are just starting out and looking for answers. Because based on what I know of you from both here and places like Flickr & YouTube, you’re going to be an absolute goldmine for them.
Thank you for your kind words, Amanda. Sharing my experiences to spare shame and uncertainty, has been my goal since I started posting over 15 years ago. Like you, I have received positive responses from many girls, over this time. However, I am afraid that younger girls, today, find it so easy and so accepting that they don’t even stop to think where they stand and are easily lead into transitioning. I have no doubt that that is the way to go for many but am sure that others might later regret actions they take without giving it thorough thought. Let’s hope that forums, like the one Kandi provides here, still serves as a guide to many in need.
Cristy, a very good start and one that yes is very relatable to many including myself
My journey has taken many twist and turns and now I’ve become comfortable where I am as a gender fluid girl, and it works very well for me knowing this is me
I still find myself wondering what would I’ve done had anyone known when I was younger and had I told anyone but I suffered in silence as most of us did
Can’t wait for more
Your picture is amazing too, especially for one really doesn’t pass but that’s ok too
Finding peace and self acceptance is key, Rachael. I am happy you have reached that point.
I read you article with great interest, and am looking forward to further installments. It really hit home for me in a lot of ways, even though my “story” is quite different. I did not begin to actively crossdress until age 69, and as such managed to escape the guilt and shame that plagued, or continues to plague, so many of us. Beyond that though, I an experiencing many of the sensations felt by a much younger beginner, yes, the sexual part as well. It’s all quite exciting, but is capable of overtaking all my thoughts. Like you, I know I have no interest in transitioning myself, and am reaping the psychological benefits that my newfound peace has brought. Still, my interest in this “new” activity for me borders on the obsessive. Your article shows me that it need not be anything to become concerned about but rather put into balance with the other aspects of my personality and life – and you give me confidence that it can be done.
You must not let it take center stage in your life, unless you really want that. If you have responsibilities and obligations, you have to put those first. Given that you are a newbie, it is not unusual that it has become an obsession, but you must keep the balance in your life. For a late bloomer, you do a great job, by the way.
Thanks for contributing this story, Christy. I look forward to further installments. I had a similar youth, no sister but would dress up in my mother’s clothes and enjoyed emulating not girls my age but women much older. I would say the 1980’s professional styles were massively influential to me. And like many had that euphoria (and the side effects) as well as the guilt and shame. At the time, I thought I was all alone in this. I had no clue.
It is amazing how many of us are out there and would think we were the only ones, back in the day!
Cristy, I have long been an admirer of your appearance and fabulous style, but after reading this wonderful post, I have an even deeper appreciation. The story of your beginnings mirrors my own in many ways. And the honesty in which you describes your process is heartwarming.
I’ve been trying to collect my thoughts and memories from my own cross dressing journey and to create a historical fantasy about that journey. Reading this post has inspired me and I can’t wait to read further installments!
I will allow Cristy to respond directly, but there are four more installments to come over the next few weeks!
Thank you Elise, for showing interest in my article and thank you Kandi, for providing the means to further share my thoughts to a broad audience. I am not surprised that the stories of most of us, heterosexual CDs are parallel, given the belief that we are born that way and that the mold with which we were put together must be a very particular one for a male.
Thank you Cristina for posting your story. I know you have helped others by telling it. I have been going out enfemme on and off for over 40yrs. I’m 73.
It is Kandi we have to thank for, Terri. She has provided this forum for us to exchange ideas. I am glad you found my ramblings worthy 🙂
Thank you Cristy! My dream was to develop a place where we can support each other, be real and honest and uplifting. So far, so good!!