‘I love your boots!’
As soon as I heard the waitress say those words, I knew that things were going to go well!
In my last post, I talked about the preparations I made for returning to the town where I’d grown up when, for the first time, I was able to experience the town centre in my feminine persona. Having finished browsing in the shops, I needed something to eat. Whilst I’m now reasonably confident when out and about, I still try to avoid crowds of young men out for the evening. I’m probably going to be fine but it would only take one drunken comment for things to turn bad and it’s a risk I’m not prepared to take. Having looked around the town centre, most places were either full of the aforementioned groups of young men or grotty so I returned to my car with the intention of eating at the carvery next to my hotel. However when I got there, the car park was full and I got cold feet. I then remembered a nearby outlet village and a quick visit to their website revealed a multitude of eating places including, if all else failed, McDonald’s so that’s where I headed, still wearing my shopping outfit (see accompanying photo).
The car park was fairly full but I found a space, parked and set off to find a suitable place for an evening meal. The outlet village mostly consists of high end designer brands with the eating places (of which there are nearly 20) spread around amongst them and the first place I passed seemed to be Lebanese. Not a cuisine I’ve ever tried (or even wanted to try) so I carried on walking looking for somewhere else. By that time, though, my heels were really starting to play havoc with my thigh muscles (discomfort I haven’t felt since my skiing days) so I turned round and decided to give it a try.
I entered and asked for a table for one and was immediately assigned to a waitress whose smile could light a stadium (I later learned her name was Fin). She led me to table and, as I sat down, complimented my boots. That was her tip in the bag and we’d only just met!
There are two main factors that define a dining experience. The first of course is the food. My mixed grill was nice but not delicious by any stretch. As I’ve said, I’ve never tried Lebanese food and probably never will again. The second factor is the service which I can sum up in one word – WOW! Every time Fin passed my table, she smiled and would ask ‘is everything OK Angel/Sweetheart/Beautiful’. I was on Cloud 9!
Let’s be clear at this point. Fin knew full well that I am male. I don’t visually pass at close quarters and, apart from anything else, my voice immediately gives the game away. In addition, I want to be honest with people and allow them to set their own boundaries as to what they will deem acceptable, not expect them to unconditionally accept mine. And, as I was about to find out, the rewards for taking that stance can be amazing.
When I’d finished my meal, I asked her for the bill which she brought over and asked ‘cash or card’. I told her card but I’d like to give her the tip in cash. She looked flustered for a moment as she pointed out that a service charge had already been included but I told her I still wanted to have the cash as she’d turned a great day into a wonderful one and people like her just made the world a better place. I’m not sure what her boss would have thought if they’d seen what she did next but she then sat down beside me and took my hand in hers and suggested a hug which I gratefully accepted!
We held hands for a moment more as I sadly lamented that the following day I would have to revert to being a husband and father and she replied that I was welcome at any time, whatever I looked like and however I wanted to dress. Another long hug followed before it was time to say goodbye and I walked back to my car, hardly believing what had just happened.
At this point, I have to stress that Fin was not ‘my type’. Notwithstanding the fact that she was young enough to be my daughter (or even granddaughter), she just wasn’t the sort of person that I would have gone for in my younger days. And yet in that encounter, I felt a closeness with her that was all the more remarkable given that I’d only just met her. Would she have taken the hand of, and hugged, a lone guy moaning that he had to return to his wife and kids the following day? I think not! She was clearly a compassionate and empathetic person but the female-male dynamic is very different to the female-female one.
I may be wrong here but I sense that too many CDers think that ‘passing’ is a prerequisite to acceptance. That was something that I certainly used to believe and whilst I have already overcome that belief, if I had had residual doubts, they would have been well and truly put to bed by Fin. But there is an important point to make here; whilst her actions could be described as ‘acceptance on steroids’, it was not unconditional acceptance. In northern England, these are common terms of endearment for either sex and whilst ‘beautiful is perhaps less appropriate for males, at no time did she call me ‘madam’ or anything else unambiguously female. Secondly, although she complimented my boots, it was a compliment about the boots in isolation; she did not say that I looked good in them or any more personal observations.
I could have felt disappointed that I’d still not heard the elusive ‘she’ or ‘madam’ but the truth is that, as far as I am concerned, she got everything absolutely right. Of course, it was quite obvious that her comments were designed to make me feel good and were made because my ‘provenance’ was blindingly obvious but to have gone any further would have felt insincere.
Whenever I cross the gender divide, my principal aim is to show my absolute respect for women by being the best I can possibly be, in terms of both how I look and how I behave. With the recent clarification of UK law, that’s become even more important than it already was, in particular to avoid any possible fallout if someone feels uncomfortable in my presence and decides to kick up a fuss. I like to think that Fin’s willingness to cross what are normally perceived to be the boundaries between males and females (particularly in a professional setting like this one) demonstrated her acceptance of me as me and I had done enough to be treated as she would treat any female despite the obvious signs to the contrary.
Anyway, enough self-reflection! That was the end of the excitement for my first day in my home town so I returned to the hotel and after taking a few photos of myself in my new outfits, reverted back to my usual self and turned in for the night, thinking about the special outing I had planned for the following day as I finally drifted off to sleep.
Stay tuned for the final part in this series…
16 Responses
Amanda ,
The important point is Fin didn’t know where you are on the transition road , she saw enough to consider you more female than male , very few question how you choose to present yourself and very few would intentionally insult you . Forget about the passing question it tends to blind us , she accepted you as someone she felt safe with otherwise she wouldn’t have suggested a hug . That is also a point to consider would she have accepted a hug in lieu of money if you definitely appeared male ? More than likely the answer would be no .
Perhaps its’ worth considering not revealing you will have to revert to being the husband and father of the house , in the past I’ve done similar , I began to question why we do it , what are we trying to achieve ? We have stepped into female shoes why spoil the moment , enjoy that precious time .
Teresa, you’re right with your first point and this is a point I often make here. Equally, though, I wanted to leave her in no doubt about the impact she had had on me and that required me to declare my hand, so to speak. What I said to her was very much of the moment and emphasised how good she’d made me feel through the way she’d treated me.
Also, the first hug was because of the money (and my stated motives for giving it to her) not in lieu of it. The second hug was pure empathy between us and, of course, the mark of her acceptance of me.
Amanda ,
If I think back to my situation when I had to pass more frequently from male to female and back why my female side was so accepted ? People often fear rejection when they realise what your true gender is but that fear is misplaced , CDers and transgender people are a rarity , the public may never meet one and when they do we intrigue them . What makes us tick , what drives that need , what if my husband or father dressed that way could I deal with it ? Rejection usually comes from someone very close , a wife or partner which is understandable but otherwise I personally have never faced rejection or ridicule . To my surprise the opposite is true they really do want you to be part of their lives but it does need confidence and belief in yourself , you have to learn to stop questioning yourself , I know that is sometimes easier said than done , perhaps only you are aware of the telltales .
First and foremost, we’re human beings and most people will afford us a basic level of respect regardless. Then, I think it is within the nature of most genetic women to accept us unless we give them good reason not to. Even from my limited personal experience, I also sense that there is an appreciation where obvious effort has been made to conform to society’s standards and expectations. There are, of course, boundaries and they differ from person to person but the rule of thumb that I try to follow is never to put other women in situations that I would not want either my wife or daughter to be placed in – we have to be invited into women’s spaces (although that invitation may be tacit) on their terms, not demand entry on ours.
This is so weird—I literally just had my first outing presenting female earlier today! Someone called me “ma’am” while I was just holding the door open, and it felt so validating. Like… it was okay to just be what I was in that moment. No questions. No explanations.
And wow, I related so much to what you said about being a husband and father. That part hit me hard. It’s such a strange balance—loving your family deeply, but still needing space to exist fully as yourself. Reading how Fin treated you, with kindness and respect without pretending not to see you? That’s the dream.
Thank you for writing this. It made me feel very seen today. 💜
Michelle, thank you for your wonderful words and, firstly, congratulations on taking your big steps into the outside world.
Everyone who writes here is far more qualified than I am to talk about the wonders of being out and about in the world. It’s wonderful when we do get positive validation but I’ve come to realise that every single person that walks past us and doesn’t do a double take is validating us. I can still remember when that realisation hit me – I’ve written about it here – as it marked the point where I no longer feared being at close quarters to others and could finally enjoy living the dream.
And as you say, this is not an easy life to lead. For me, it would be far easier if I could just focus on being a guy and not have to contend with the inner woman’s demands. But those validating moments are our compensation and there’s no better feeling!
Amanda,
Your “I love your boots” comment make me laugh. I wore my high heeled knee highs a lot (30+) this winter and spring (in ‘male mode’). So I got that comment at least twice a day, even had women come up to me while I was doing something else just to tell me. I think it is sincere since I buy higher end heels and I hear the envy in their voice. LOL
Cali, thanks! I have to admit that, while in male mode, many is the time I’ve wanted to approach a woman to compliment her boots but, sadly, societal norms dictate a dignified silence to avoid any misunderstanding! My boots are anything but high end but even so, and despite having a 4″ heel, they’re comfortable to walk in (to a point!) and they’re now my staple for outings.
Amanda,
When you are wearing boots it very easy to compliment a women on her boots, or heels – your part of the ‘club’. The same thing applies to my nails. I have to admit these are all ego boasts. BTW I also buy cheaper heels, and those also gather random compliments.
While I can’t figure it out–spouses and significant others aside-I have met a lot of Fins. They could just a easily look down on us but instead their attitude seems to be (to me) “welcome aboard”
Love to see some views on this
Emily, I agree. There will always be those who disapprove but on the whole, I sense that there is appreciation that we’re just doing our best to conform and fit in and not seeking to demean, or be a parody of, women in the way we dress and/or behave.
Amanda,
A lovely piece of writing, as always. It feels so wonderful to be accepted, one would think the concept would have achieved widespread acceptance!
I am in complete agreement with you regarding groups of young men. I was visiting Colchester for a weekend in 2018 or so, at a time I too felt altogether “obvious.” I was walking back to my inn at twilight when I spied 4 young men on the pavement ahead of me. My instinct for self-preservation was insufficient to counsel me to cross the road immediately. Instead, I soldiered on like the brave girl that I believe I am. As I passed them, I could see immediately that they were inebriated. I ignored their leering eyes, but could not ignore the comment of one of them: “”do you think she could take on all four of us at once?” I couldn’t think of a proper response, but thankfully one of his mates piped up, saying “oh, leave her alone!”
I came away from the encounter with a good reminder about safety, as well as a feeling of thanks there was at least one gentleman in the crowd and that they had used the proper pronouns! I was indeed lucky and I am happy to know you had more sense than I.
Lisa
Lisa, thanks!
Whilst physical attacks on women are, thankfully, rare there’s an important point to be made here. We all understand the vulnerabilities of women out after dark, particularly if they are alone, but how many of us factor in the risks attached to us being not what we appear at first glance, particularly when alcohol has been flowing? We can be assaulted either as punishment for what we are or as a form of sport to see if that ‘woman’ can defend ‘herself’. And it only takes one drunken person to think that it’ll be a good prank to find out how firmly the wig is attached for things to become unpleasant very quickly.
As we can all testify, there are many wonderful situations to be experienced out there and just a little foresight can make sure that we are able to enjoy our feminine time to the full.
Amanda has sparked some wonderful comments in this post , It’s always good to read the experiences of others . While the situation has changed for me I still look back at the outings , some as a man delving into the mysteries of shopping , what always struck me was the friendliness and humour of the SAs and others . I had so much fun with them , while I expected a cold shoulder because it could considered weird for a man to shop for female items I never once experienced it . I will add the reaction from other shoppers was something different , usually amusement but on one occasion two elderly ladies made the point clearly that I was shopping in the wrong department .
Kandi has always stressed the point of staying safe but sometimes we can find we’ve taken the wrong turning but sadly some crimes take place in broad daylight amongst crowds of people .
What of the other boundaries ? We all know of some male orientated situations , having your car repaired , trying to find something in a builders merchant ( we all know the look women get in those situations ) . I love acting the dumb blond to see how much they try to pull the wool over my eyes , the trade off is how little lifting I have to do , all my requirements are stacked neatly in my car without lifting a finger !
I fully understand the frustration some might experience , once you’ve stepped foot into the RW there is no going back we want more for reasons we can’t fully explain , in my case it was stepping gradually into being Teresa full time . As Amanda comments it’s not easy for any of us , I still have family , I still have some responsibilities , I ‘m always there for them should they need me and they are aware of that .
Good morning my dear friend. What a wonderfully beautiful post and as I’d expect a very nice and down to earth read. I would imagine that the beautiful smile on your face was there for quit some time. Your waitress Fin is someone very special without doubt. To meet a lady that exudes the kindness and acceptance she obviously has is an experience that will for ever be looked back on with joy and happiness I’m sure. These are the the encounters we have that are truly game changers, Thanks Amanda, this made my day. ❤️
Trish, thank you for your kind words. It’s hard to describe the impact that that encounter had on me but I’m sure that anyone who has ever experienced anything similar will understand.
What was particularly interesting about the whole encounter was that I was given far more than I was seeking. Whilst it’s nice to be able to dip one’s toe into the wonderful world of women from time to time, I am well aware that no matter how hard I try, and how good the results are, with the physical transformation and how much I may want to identify as a woman (which is actually hardly at all), I am still a guy underneath and as long as I’m treated with the same amount of respect as any other human would expect, I’m happy. In other words an attitude along the lines of ‘hey, I know you’re a guy wearing women’s clothes but that’s fine with me’ is all that I seek but what I got here went way beyond that into the realms of a woman-woman dynamic – as I said in the post, no waitress is ever going to take my hand and suggest a hug when I’m in my normal guise and even the other staff at the restaurant did no more than show the same level of respect that they would have shown to any other customer.
Needless to say, it’s left me hungry for more (woman-woman interactions and not Lebanese cuisine, that is!)!