By Amanda J.
I’ve read quite a few trans-related things recently that have made me feel a little sad but none more so than the following:
“…I need content, fewer and fewer Contributors. Looks like (outside of the rocks that are Gwen and Dee), I am again flying mostly solo…”
That was, of course, a quote from our very own Kandi. And, of course, I’ve gone from pushing contributions to her every couple of weeks to next to nothing. There are reasons for that, but I know a cry for help when I see one.
Editorial comment: That was NOT a cry for help. It was a simple statement of fact. This is my responsibility; we are all on different paths. This place is very, very different to me than it is to any of you, my treasured readers. Hey, worst case, we shut it all down and move forward. No harm, no foul. Now back to Mandy…
So, Kandi, fly solo no more, I’m happy to be your wingman, er wingwoman(?), once more!
I had a good basic reason for my absence. As I explained last time, I had taken my eye off the ball as far as our family business was concerned and urgent attention was needed to stop us from going under. The good news is that we’re well past the worst due in no small part to Mrs. A understanding what needed to be done and actually doing it. The departure of a couple of team members helped too; they were not pushed out and just left to take the next step on their career. The resultant cost saving was significant and just what we needed.
But I’d be lying if I said that that was the only reason. The shock of seeing how bad things had actually got certainly forced me to focus on the male side of my life but I also started to question whether all of this (‘this’ being my feminine side and all that goes with it) was really what I wanted or even needed in my life. It’s not easy living with the knowledge that Mrs. A hates everything about it & wants nothing to do with it and, with our daughter living at home with a job that seems to be fine with her working from home (or to be more precise, working from bed) several days a week, spreading my feminine wings was just getting too hard.
The strange thing, however, was that I was finding that I was coping reasonably well. I’ve had an extended hiatus before – around 8 months with just one ‘wobble’ halfway through so it wasn’t surprising but given that the last hiatus was voluntary whereas this was effectively forced upon me, I started to do a lot of soul searching to see if I could get to the bottom of the whole thing and understand how much, or indeed whether, I still needed the physical manifestation of my feminine side.
That I was different first hit me in the mid-1970s and the day when I tried on a pair of my mother’s discarded tights sealed my fate as a CDer. I regularly dressed in her clothes until I outgrew them and then, once I had left home and was living alone, bought outfits which I’d wear for a while before purging them. Marriage at age 30 ‘cured’ me – sort of – and I spent the next 18 years gradually realising that I was anything but cured before the dam finally burst and I started CDing in earnest. And except for a gap between 2014 and 2019 when I tried to honour the cease and desist ultimatum that Mrs. A issued in an attempt to rid me, and our marriage, of this curse, I’ve been at it ever since.
At this point, I’ll make an assertion of which I am 100% certain. I am not a woman trapped in a man’s body at least as far as I can tell from the nebulous sensations I experience in life. I don’t know what it feels like to be a woman – how could I? – but, there again, I don’t really know what it feels like to be a man other than knowing what it feels like to be me combined with the fact that I am one. I can also guess with reasonable certainty that most other men do not feel either an ongoing need to express a hidden feminine side or feel quite comfortable for the world in general to see them dressed in women’s clothing (outside of a fancy dress stag night of course).
But despite my assertion that I’m not a woman, the need to cross the gender divide was sometimes overpowering and, being home alone six days a week, I had plenty of opportunity to feed the urges. Once a week, sometimes several times a week, out would come the stash and I’d spend several hours in heels and a dress, loving the sensations as the unfamiliarly long hair of my wig caressed my neck. I’d try to work but the desire to keep looking in the mirror was irresistible and certainly liked what I saw. I may not have been a woman trapped in a man’s body, but I definitely enjoyed unleashing the woman trapped in my body.
As I got more competent at my transformations, two things would cross my mind. Firstly, was I autogynephilic and secondly, despite not feeling like a woman, would my life be better if I did transition, medically as well as socially?
The autogynephilia question is an interesting one. As a heterosexual male who finds women who wear dresses & heels and generally look after their appearance attractive, it’s almost inevitable that the woman I saw in the mirror would appeal to me, particularly as she’s very different to Mrs. A. But whereas my early sessions as a teenage CDer always came to a sudden halt when the sexual response became impossible to contain, that particular reaction had died out by the time I hit my 20s so there was nothing fetishistic about my dressing. Even so, I don’t mind admitting that I have a very positive emotional reaction to seeing myself transformed. Whether that’s autogynephilic in some shape or form is, in the end, down to how we want to define the word.
And as for transition, the answer to that really boiled down to ‘not in my current life’. I value other aspects of my life too much to risk them for something that, deep down, I know that I don’t need to do even though I’ve often thought that it’s something I could do if things were different. But would the euphoria of womanhood quickly wane as it became the new normal rather than the response to a burning desire?
But even before the business problems surfaced and our daughter moved back in, I sensed that things were not right. Fundamentally, it became obvious that I was often CDing for the sake of CDing and it was getting in the way of other things. It’s a real faff having to get a ladder to go into our loft space to retrieve the stash and then, at the end, packing it all away, checking that there are no signs of my activity and then putting it back in its hiding place, particularly when it was done for no other reason than to wear the clothes for a few hours. It became what I referred to as ‘mindless CDing’; it felt nice but had no other purpose and, as I was starting to realise, was disruptive to my routine.
Then there was the whole question of how far can one actually go in a DADT relationship which Mrs A bestowed on me when I had to confess for a second time (see Matrimonial Challenges – Part 6 – When The Game Is Finally Up for a full account)? The need to keep my activities well clear of Mrs. A was becoming exhausting but that was only the start of it. Whilst she had given her blessing to my CDing and knew that I was in contact with other CDers, she most definitely didn’t consider that this would involve the creation of a whole female persona – the one you know as ‘Amanda’ (or Mandy if you’re Kandi!), writing regular contributions for Kandi’s Land and the biggie – leaving the house fully dressed and wearing makeup. I can try to justify all of this to myself as being necessary for my ‘emotional wellbeing’ but I knew full well that it would be tantamount to dropping a nuke into our relationship if she ever found out.
And then there is the whole situation with trans activists. I started to notice how public opinion was shifting and the silent majority, previously fearful of ‘cancellation’ were now starting to speak up. Whereas 10 years ago, Bruce Jenner’s transition to Caitlyn put trans issues centre stage in a very positive way and was enthusiastically received, in more recent years it’s been issues such as incarceration, women’s sports & spaces, pronouns and the distortion of our language that have taken centre stage and I found myself on the one hand supporting the rights of trans people to live without discrimination and persecution but, on the other hand, agreeing with the groundswell of opinion that things had gone far too far and were now doing more damage than good. Even my daughter, who proclaimed at the time of Ms. Jenner’s big reveal ‘I wish I looked as good as she does’, has more recently raised concerns about men in women’s spaces. And that, in turn, led me to question whether I still identified with the ‘community’ in any shape or form.
And so with the need to focus on our business combined with lack of opportunity, boredom with mindless CDing, increasing guilt, increasing concern and a growing feeling that I no longer belonged, it was inevitable that my thoughts would turn to purging. I’ve written about it here before and I learned the hard way that purging isn’t only getting rid of the physical items of CDing; it’s getting rid of the keys to unlock a side of one’s personality and while it does give immediate relief, grief soon creeps in until the urge to restock becomes irresistible. I’d previously decided that I would never purge again but now, as it was apparent that I was managing pretty well without the emotional weight of being a CDer and I was also starting to be concerned about what would happen on my eventual death when the family could learn the extent of my activities so a full and final purge would put everything to bed for once and for all.
And I don’t mind admitting that a battle raged within me for several weeks as the pros and cons of purging put my mind in a spin. In the end, the realisation that things not only may change, but almost certainly would and without notice at any time in the future caused me to kick the purging idea into touch. At least for the foreseeable future.
Even so, and not to put too fine a point on it, I was well and truly ‘messed up’ to use modern parlance. As the gulf between my male and female sides widened, I no longer felt able to write posts for Kandi’s Land and even retreated from online friendships as they represented a world that I could no longer connect with. And as 2025 dawned and got underway, things were showing no signs of changing; moreover, as I walked away from all things feminine, I rediscovered my ‘mojo’ in my male life and long overdue maintenance and improvement jobs in the house started to get done.
So that, in a nutshell, is an overview of the reasons for my absence. In particular, I hated walking away from Kandi’s Land; Kandi is probably the most wonderful person I will never meet (due to geography rather than a lack of desire) and while she was gracious and understanding about the situation I was finding myself in, her throwaway comment which I quoted at the top of this post suggests that she has been feeling the loss of contributions including mine more that she’s prepared to admit.
But the astute among you will have seen that the title of this post started with ‘She’s Back – 1:…’ suggesting firstly that I have undergone some sort of turnaround and secondly that there may be a part 2. And you’d be right on both counts so stay tuned….
13 Responses
Good Morning Amanda & Kandi,
Amanda, thank you so much for sharing this very good blog post/essay. It presents a clear and moving picture of your thoughts and your situation. I know that many of us have the very same thoughts and experiences.
As I ponder, for many years now, the nature of ‘this’ as I experience it, and as I read about the experiences of others several things have become clear to me. But before I mention those, let me start by offering a thought that is more or less the professional motto of a well known psychologist that I know of. “When viewed closely no one is normal.” Every human being is “not normal” in a variety of ways.
In our particular portion of ‘this’ human domain the things that delight and distress us are almost always immediately recognizable to every one of us. Every time I read an account of one of us purging, or having difficulties with a spouse, or of being delighted with a new purchase or with an experience had while out and about, I see shared attitudes, shared thoughts, and shared delights.
My view of ‘this’ world that we move in and around carefully, with eyes wide open, is that it is the result of a genetic combination. People sometimes say that an initial act, such as yours, Amanda, of trying on a pair of tights, that it “sealed my fate” and pointed you in a particular direction, perhaps for the rest of your life. I think that the desire to try on, and to wear, the clothes that we are drawn to is a genetic imperative; it is fundamentally a part of who we biologically are, no different than the gene for brown eyes.
As so many of us often attest, engaging with ‘this’ is very often an absolutely delightful thing to do, harming no one, (yes, for sure, our relationships with those who disapprove may be harmed in a variety of ways, and that is no small thing, I understand) and likely contributing to the retail economy in modest ways. As Stana recently wrote, Macy’s has racks of dresses, and while few cisgender women seem to be wearing dresses or skirts, somebody has to be buying them!
Kandi’s Land is a continuing haven for ideas, images, and a real sense of community. However each of us deals with, and experiences, ‘this’ domain that we are drawn to, being able to hear from others makes it all so much better.
Onward for all of us!
Best to you and yours,
Marissa in Ohio
Marissa, thank you for sharing your thoughts and for your kind words.
I think most, if not all, of us battle with ‘this’ on an ongoing basis. We start with the denial battle where we try to fight the urges with every fibre in our body and then have a sense of relief when we finally feel able to accept ourselves. But that relief is short lived because we then have a new battle as we try to balance our two sides, particularly when the enviroment in which we live conspires against us. In the end, it’s identifying a compromise that works for us as individuals.
Your point about the need to try on and wear the clothes that we are drawn to is rooted in our genetics is well made. I know that when I confessed to Mrs A for a second time (January 2023), she stressed that she understood that it was a part of me and not something that was going to go away. To my mind, it’s a critical point and denial of that particular reality can leave us with significant challenges as I discovered after my first confession to Mrs A 10 years ago.
As you highlighted, shared experiences, highs and lows are hugely helpful and, in fact, part 2 of this little series will focus on that as I tried to make sense of the core of who and what I really am.
Not my post but allow me to step in and say your perspective is always valued, like a fine glass of wine. When we get a comment, I cherish it.
Amanda,
I don’t know what your line of business is but I can sympathise with problem of running a business while your inner sole is being torn in other directions . The difference in may case was I was the sole photographer , if I didn’t take pictures we didn’t live , I can recall many occasions when I covered a wedding on autopilot , I was there in body but my mind was often elsewhere . It didn’t help being surrounded by gorgeous gowns on the bride , bridesmaids and many female wedding guests , to stop dressing was almost impossible .
I totally agree with your comments about what gender we feel , I can’t truthfully say what it feels like to be a woman but on the other hand I can’t say what it’s like to be a man because I’ve lived with GD all my life , the one fact that is true is i know what it feels like to be transgender . That is one point that I became heated over when people tried to tell I can’t feel that way because it’s an alien feeling to them , I KNOW HOW I FEEL ! No one can change that ! My official name change has proved so useful in making that point .
I also agree with you on the subject of AGP , I know many get hot under the collar because Ray Blanchard didn’t cover the whole scenario , he only related it to (GAY) transsexuals and not broadly to cover transgender people . I Emailed many of the experts who followed him to prove and broaden his theory . That’s when it clicked with me as it autognephilia translates as , ” to love yourself as a woman “. I will never forget the overwhelming feeling when I first applied makeup well and chose a suitable wig , the man had disappeared , to be replaced by a very pretty women , looking back I now know that’s when Teresa came into being , as much as I fought it I knew there was no going back . Do women love themselves more than men ? On the whole I feel they do , the whole fashion and beauty market is involved in achieving that .
Kandi did comment on it not being a cry for help , we all know transgender people can be very transient , many good CD/trans friends have gone in my life , all we can do is be there for them when needed . We know your circumstances , we know the promises you have made to retain your family , we also know you are making difficult sacrifices . We can debate the ” Rights and wrongs ” but as Kandi points out our circumstances are unique to us . I’ve made sacrifices you and others might not make , who is right and who is wrong in making those decisions ? I will also add that I made those choices despite the political or society pressures , in the end I did what was truly right for me , it was then up to me to make them work , thankfully they have . It’s on this basis I contribute here , I hope I can add a dimension that others can’t , in doing so I hope it helps others who choose to take the road I took .
Teresa, thank you for sharing your thoughts.
In the end, we can only live our own life and, as we look back, feel happy about the good choices we made and make the best of those that may not seem quite so good in retrospect. I can think of several choices I have made (not trans related) where a different decision would, prima facie, have been better but, equally, inforeseens may have made things a whole lot worse. We just have no way of knowing.
Personally, I’m very happy with the wider, non-sexual, definition of AGP as it relates to me and, I dare to suggest, far more others than would be prepared to admit. To my mind, if I can’t look in the mirror and love what I see, why put myself through all of this in the first place?
Welcome back my dear friend. It is so good to hear your voice (so to speak). Your post today brought a ray of sunshine to a rather depressed girl of late.
I had two outings planned for 2026, the Girls weekend in. Kelowna and the Esprit Gala in Port Angeles Wa. I was getting so excited and then last week I was informed that it was cancelled. Then, to add insult to injury, I had to inform Esprit to cancel my registration because, thanks to Trump, it was not safe for me to cross the border.
Then last night I was informed that the Girls Weekend in Kelowna was back on. I was ecstatic. Now with Amanda back I feel like I just won’t the lottery. I’m so so glad and so so happy for you Amanda. Take care girl, I love you. ❤️
Trish💋
Trish, thanks and I’m pleased to have played a small part in improving your day!
Also pleased to hear that Kelowna is back on – I’ll be there in spirit if not, sadly, in body!
Amanda,
I wasn’t sure we would hear from you again.
I am so glad you are well and that business is looking brighter.
Maybe some day soon you will be able to show the world your beautiful self again.
We all walk different roads, and I am not sure where mine will lead. I might write a KL post in the future explaining my new frame of mind. Certainly going to the USA during the coming years is not going to happen. I will miss my dear friends deeply.
I think I will write a “puff piece” on stockings and see if Kandi will print it: “What Is It About Colourful Legs?”
Great to read your important thoughts.
Love,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, thanks for your kind words – I wasn’t going to go down without a fight!
Sadly, it’s one of life’s realities that things we take for granted will come to an end – I was recently reminiscing with a friend about the great times we had going to folk concerts in the late 1980s. At the time, it seemed like those good times would never end; we still have our memories & CDs and a few YouTube videos are available but, of course, those bands have long since gone their separate ways. Similarly, the glory days of having six full days a week at home alone are now a thing of the past and the freedom I once had has gone; it’s taken a lot of soul searching to come to terms with it and, as you’ll see in the other two parts of this little series, has led to a major shift in my attitude to it. But in the same way that the CDs & YouTube videos remind me of those bands, I still have my photos as a lasting reminder and to take the band analogy a little bit further – there’s always a chance of a reunion concert!
I am already looking forward to your puff piece on hosiery!!
Mandy – Glad to see you are ‘back’. It’s like the song “Hotel California” says, ‘you can never leave.’
I look forward to your next two posts in this series.
Cali
Cali, thanks!
I know Kandi does not prefer political discussions (but has never censored or edited my thoughts in any way, shape, or form), as a regular contributor, I feel compelled to disagree with the idea it is the trans activists that are the problem.
The problem is those who deny the existence of trans individuals.
Period.
We who go out today, stand on the shoulders of those who came before us, who were willing to risk jail, their jobs, and their reputations just to present in public as a female. We should be thankful to them–and to those who continue to raise those issues today.
Dee, I completely agree that we owe a lot to those who came before us and continue to stand up for basic rights. Those people worked on the basic premise that, to effect change, it is necessary to firstly understand the objections and then to create a compelling argument to dismantle them. Gay marriage is a great example of this where we’ve gone from the majority of the public opposing it to majority support; in that situation, dismantling the objections was relatively straightforward – if A and B want to get married, it does not affect the lives of anyone else in any way regardless of the sex/gender of A or B.
When I talked about activists in the context of this post, perhaps I should have put the word in quotation marks. I am personally disgusted that we’ve got to the situation where anyone speaking out against the gender ‘narrative’ risks ‘cancellation’ – loss of job, livelihood etc. – or even physical harm. I am also disgusted that the word ‘woman’ has, on the one hand been widened to include anyone who so identifies but on the other has seen erasure from certain sectors of officialdom with biological women described as ‘menstruators’ or similar. I could go on but I’m sure you get the picture!
No one should ever feel threatened, or even risk arrest, for having a legitimate opinion. Mob rule is not the answer and we need full and frank debate where all points of view are discussed to enable some form of consensus to be reached.
I hope this clarifies what I was trying to say – disagreement is healthy so thank you for disagreeing with me!