Getting my girl on used to be so easy. Underwear, dress, shoes, wig and off to the mirror for a bit of self-adoration. Actually ‘girl’ is probably stretching things a bit too far; if ever there was a physical manifestation of ‘bloke in a dress’ it was me (and perhaps it still is me but I’ll leave that to others to judge). Keeping things under control was also straightforward, with only one of each of the things I listed to worry about, everything could fit into a plastic rubble sack with room to spare and getting it in and out of its hiding place was a piece of cake. Even when I added a few more items to the mix, things remained pretty well under control.
Needless to say, it was never going to last! Thanks to a combination of joining the Kandi’s Land cohort of contributors and Mrs A giving her blessing to DADT in early 2023, things started to mushroom. First, another rubble sack was added and then I found a huge holdall in one of the local shops which looked like it would hold everything. It did, at least for a while, but there was one rather large problem – the weight of it when fully loaded. Bear in mind that my ‘stash’ is stored in our roof space, accessible only via a portable ladder with the only access being a hole less than 2 feet square. Trying to (wo)manhandle it up and down that ladder quickly showed that it was only a matter of time before Mrs A would return home and find her husband unconscious (or worse) in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the ladder, pinned to the floor by a huge holdall full of ‘goodies’.
If only that had been the only challenge I faced. But another problem was also looming. My terror at the thought of stepping into the outside world had been replaced by overwhelming urges to be there. And that meant that my stash of typical CDer fodder – high heels & high hemlines, all purchased from the ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ section of the womenswear department – was no longer fit for purpose. Of course, I could (and did) concoct a story about being a smartly dressed businesswoman grabbing a few essentials from the local supermarket during a quick break or even a woman on her way to church when the outing was on a Sunday but I quickly realised that I stuck out like a sore thumb when all of the other people in the vicinity were dressed very casually. Added to which, shoes that look fab in the mirror are often only too happy to make their presence felt when worn for any length of time. So I needed a rethink.
Kandi’s post Building the Perfect Beast (My Wardrobe) was a masterclass in what commitment to the cause actually looks like:
‘Now regarding storage. I’ll do my best to describe things. In our bedroom, I probably have six drawers with my Kandi clothes and a few things hanging in our closet. In another bedroom, I have an entire closet and a complete dresser. In the basement, I have a storage area under the steps, with a few rods for hanging things. With the exception of dresses, everything is hung five to a hangar. I have those long skirt and pant hangars, full. Bins full of dresses and skirts. Another closet with a set of drawers where I store my sweaters, purses and swim wear. There is one of those temporary closets for all of my blazers (five to a hangar) and I use another bedroom closet for coats.’
Quite a contrast to a single holdall! Even if Mrs A was to give her blessing to the expansion of my stash along similar lines, I live in the UK where houses tend to be a lot smaller than in the US so space for storage is at a premium and we don’t tend to have basements so sadly I’m stuck with the holdall in the roof space. A different strategy was required.
From time to time, my YouTube feed has featured the concept of ‘capsule wardrobes’. If you’re not familiar with the term, it’s defined as follows:
A small collection of essential, interchangeable clothing pieces that can be mixed and matched to create a variety of outfits for different occasions. The goal is to have a limited number of high-quality, versatile items, often in a cohesive colour palette, to simplify getting dressed, reduce clutter, and promote sustainability.
I watched the videos with interest but it was only relatively recently that I realised that the concept could dig me out of the hole I’d found myself in. One of my big problems, I realised, was that I tended to think in terms of complete outfits. That dress must always be worn with those shoes. That jumper must never be worn with anything other than this skirt. And so on. I suspect a lot of CDers are the same; we’ve not evolved our style on a daily basis over many decades to understand what works and what doesn’t and tend to go for complete looks we’ve seen on women when out and about or on the pages of magazines or clothing catalogues (remember those?!).
But if we stop thinking in terms of complete outfits and, instead, develop a mix and match mentality, all of a sudden our options mushroom. For example imagine that we only have the following to work with:
– one skirt, one pair of trousers/pants
– one jumper, one blouse
– one dress
– one jacket, one coat
– one pair of heels, one pair of flats
That’s just 9 items and yet it gives (2 x 2 x 2 x 2) + (2 x 2) = 20 possible outfit combinations. Choose the individual items carefully and we have an outfit for almost any situation from very casual – trousers/ jumper/ flats/ jacket – to formal – dress/ heels/ coat.
There are a couple of caveats here. Not all of those outfit combinations will work well but the nature of women’s fashions is that nothing is really off limits. The second is that accessories are important too – particularly jewellery but also small items such as shawls, scarves and belts can help give an outfit a complete look.
To prove my point, here’s a simple example created by AI with just the items I listed above:
1. Casual and comfortable for a trip to the shops?
2. Something a little smarter, a pub lunch perhaps?
3. Smart yet casual for an evening at the wine bar?
4. A dinner date beckons?
Of course, the limited number of available garments means that the scope of what can be achieved is also limited but adding just a few more items – perhaps a midi skirt, jeans, another dress and a pair of boots increases the theoretical maximum to 60 different outfits and we’re still only looking at a total of 13 items.
Being able to think in this way has been transformative for me. As I’ve already intimated, my stash was becoming unmanageable due to its weight and with Mrs. A’s retirement now imminent, it was in desperate need of a cull. It was less than a year ago when I last did this (see my post Time For A Purge! for the full story) but looking back now, I didn’t really consider anything’s usefulness when deciding what to get rid of. That’s not to say that I regret parting with anything, in fact the exact opposite is true and I kept things that really should have gone. But now that I can look at things in a new light considering whether they would work with other items in my collection and whether I could ever see myself wearing them in the outside world, things that were there for no other reason than I liked them (but never actually wore them) could go without me feeling any sense of loss. And it was a good job that I still had a supply of rubble sacks because I quickly filled one with a couple of pairs of shoes, a couple of dresses, a pair of trousers, a jacket and a few other bits and pieces which were then taken down to the local Salvation Army donation point where, hopefully, someone down on their luck for one reason or another will get pleasure from them (although the size UK9 shoes may have a limited market!).
I have to confess that I love the idea of a capsule wardrobe. I’d be lying if I tried to claim that I’d slimmed it down to the aforementioned nine items – there are four dresses, five pairs of shoes/boots, three tops and two skirts alongside the denim jacket, black overcoat and pair of trousers – but it’s by no means excessive and every single item has been worn outside at one time or another, in some cases several times. And having that variety means that the satisfaction not only comes from going out but also from planning what to wear. Added to which, I’ve got sufficient variety within those 17 items to ensure that, as long as I plan properly, I need never look out of place.
Whether my collection of clothes & shoes can legitimately be referred to as a capsule given that its existence owes more to luck than any organised planning on my part is questionable. Perhaps it’s sometimes fun to delve into the depths of a wardobe/ closet or unpack the contents of a stash bag and find a long-forgotten item but it begs the question as to why it was forgotten in the first place. If I lived a greater part of my life in my feminine persona, perhaps I’d feel differently but I felt a sense of relief as those items submitted to the latest cull – relief that the stash was once again becoming manageable, relief that there were no distractions amongst what was left and relief that, perhaps, someone somewhere who receives the donated items will experience a sense of delight that, as far as those individual items were concerned, I never really did.
9 Responses
Amanda ,
On a daily basis it’s surprising how few items get selected to wear , of course much of that depends on the weather . When we step into autumn and winter it’s practicalities that matter . I do wear jeans but not often to do daily errands round the town , Bonmarche do a range of softer trousers in a range of colours I find black and navy work well with a variety of tops , sweaters and blouses , I also find longline cardigans a really useful addition .
Despite me being in a DADT situation when I was married my ex did allow me to use our daughter’s bedroom when whe moved out . It was a lovely moment as it was the first time I’d had somewhere to openly hang my clothes but I did have to think hard what to keep and what to quietly lose because despite her denial of not peeking what women do you know could resist that opportunity ? Naturally I assumed too much of this gesture and thoughtlessly offered her the use on a nice Next jacket , let’s just say I never offered again !!
I do think you’ve hit on a great idea in your circumstances because when you think about updating it makes choices so much easier . Every so often I know I have to be ruthless , I have moved up a size from 12 to 14 which means certain items are just uncomfortable or impractical , thankfully our feet don’t change apart from they complain more as we get older when squeezed into heels .
Your post does highlight the question , ” How much does a girl need ?” It’s not until you start thinking about staying away or a holiday that you have to consider that point . My cruise really did challenge me , the one saving grace was I drove to the cruise terminal so weight wasn’t a restriction . So much to consider , the weather , days off the ship , days onboard and most important how glamourous for the evenings , I really must post my piece on my cruise .
I found it an odd feeling when I had to hide my stash , part of me was hidden away with the items . I think that is something I cherish most now , my wardrobes contain MY clothes , I can browse through them and choose for the mood I’m in , how I want others to see me , do I want to make a statement or just be part of the crowd ?
Teresa, thank you for sharing your experience.
For me this whole thing came about through good luck rather than any planning. As I put in the post, my ‘wardrobe’ consisted of random items that seemed like a good idea at the time but as I started to spread my wings, I realised that what was good for the mirror (not that some of the items in question were) was not necessarily good for the outside world, something I learned the hard way when feeling very overdressed and exposed as a result.
The gamechanger for me was the humble denim jacket. It can be worn over more or less anything and it immediately gives a casual vibe to the outfit. And whilst flats are an anathema for many CDers, they’re also a great help in setting a more casual tone for an outfit. My general rule of thumb these days is that if I have to dream up a backstory to justify an outfit, it’s probably not the right outfit in the first place.
Amanda,
Obviously I don’t have a backstory but thinking through an outfit for the right occasion is sometimes tricky . I don’t shop for the sake of shopping but at the same time it is nice to have something new in your wardrobe that needs the right occasion . I feel that’s why women sometimes get it wrong because they’re impatient for the right moment to come along and I’m also guilty of that one on occasions .
I agree about the denim jacket , my first one which I’ve had for years was from a charity shop , it never goes out of fashion , my second one is more tailored , it was slightly too tight until the SA told me to take the shoulder pads out as she had done . My favourite is a navy blue leather blazer , I could easliy wear it most days but I treat more as a special item because of it’s cost .
I don’t have many flats even at my painting group I will wear a low heeled wedge shoe and all my ankle boots have heels , the only comment I get is , ” Oh I can’t wear heels !! “
Amanda,
It is great to read another post from you.
When I had my wardrobe and accessories, I stored (hid) them in filing cabinet drawers, top shelves, desk drawer, small boxes, and closets. I didn’t have a lot of things, so each cache was small.
Getting ready to go out started with a run around the house collecting everything. And subsequently after an outing, I had to remember where everything had to be stored away.
It was a challenge, but the rewards of being out and about as the true Jocelyn were wonderful.
Thanks for allowing us into your world.
Love you,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, thank you!
The lengths we have to go to to cover our tracks! Our exploits would make great entertainment for others on a night out but, sadly, our lips must remain sealed. I admire your resourcefulness in spreading your stash around – that would be a recipe for disaster for me as I have enough trouble keeping control when everything is in one place! At least there’s less for me to lose track of these days.
Amanda,
How well you have described the years when I was fully closeted and tried to be “simply a CDer.” I had three hiding places. The first was in a roof space accessible only by an extendible ladder. I kept my “stash” in a box that I would carefully bring down the ladder. After arriving at a new home, I quickly discovered that I no longer had that option, as the roof space was accessible only via the children’s rooms. As I typically was dressing in the middle of the night, or taking clothes with me for on a business trip, I needed a new place. I found a built-in bureau afforded me a small space, when I cut a hole under the lowest drawer. I carefully folded my clothes I could fit an amazing variety of things in a tight space. I even put my first wig in there! In my last flat in the UK, I found a very high storage space that was probably 5‘ x 3‘ which my wife could not reach and never once tried to use. I was able to store a large kit in that space, with careful folding.
Living so much of my life today as my true self and living in a much larger US-style house, I have acquired a wardrobe nearly as large as my wife’s. Now that we talk about my needs, I was able to talk her into giving me an entire closet (no longer the proverbial LGBT closet!). I very much need the space, as I have many swimsuits, different types of running kit, rain, snow and formal coats, plus clothes suitable for all types of weather, and a large jewelry collection. I am thankful I no longer need wigs, as they take up an amazing amount of space and require special handling.
In any event, I believe you so well described the situation many other CDs find themselves in. As I (and Kandi and Teresa) are likely outliers in terms of the things we own, your descriptions and explanations and suggestions are essential for many women who visit this site. Thank you for sharing!
Lisa
Ahhh, the roof space – the stash repository for many a CDer I think! Ours is only partially boarded so I need to be very careful where I put the holdall to avoid the risk of it crashing through the ceiling into one of the bedrooms below. The bag was supposed to be the answer to my problems and a big step up from the rubble sacks (basically heavy duty plastic bin bags) but it’s now so heavy thanks to 5 pairs of shoes and boots plus all of the other essentials for transformation, that I have to take another bag up there to retrieve only what I actually need. I think Mrs A would be OK with me keeping it somewhere more accessible (in fact I think she’d be relieved that I wasn’t going up and down the ladder) but we have an inquisitive daughter (25 and should be old enough to know better) who thinks nothing of having a good nose around so everything has to stay where it is.
Thank you for your point about the situation many CDers find themselves in. Obviously, we each have to make our own outfit choices but I’ve found going out and about far more enjoyable now that I am far more able to dress for the environment I’m in. I still love my bodycon dress and stilettos and being able to wear them for dinner during my recent weekend away was a dream come true but I just love the idea of blending in and being able to walk around busy shopping centres unnoticed by more or less everyone. And with my 12 garments plus 5 pairs of shoes/boots, I can put together an outfit for pretty well any setting from casual to glamorous (well, as glamorous as a 65 y/o scruff can manage but you know what I mean).
Amanda,
I am also now in the ‘outliers’ zone. But decades ago I was in the ‘small space’ zone, hiding my extremely limited ‘stash’ under and behind things. Things started to change when I started to introduce women’s wear into my everyday wardrobe. Then I could ‘hide’ some of my ‘stash’ in plane view in my section of our walk-in closet. When I started to wear panties, my Ex had me do my own laundry which allowed me to expand my women’s wear.
Now I live by myself and I am an outlier. I convert a small room in my house into a walk in-closet (~65 sq. ft.); 35+ ft. of hanger space, 75% in women’s clothes, only 5% I have not worn out (yet). I use 22 quart bins for my panties, socks, bras, all over flowing. My shoes also take up considerable room. I have slowed down on what I buy – out of room. The new house I am designing has a 9 ft. by 12 ft. walk-in closet.
Good luck with your storage.
Cali
Cali, I’m envious! 9’x12′ in Britain is larger than many double bedrooms in modern houses – my two adult kids would kill for a bedroom that big (although my daughter seems to have decided that the whole house is her ‘walk in closet’ given that her clothes are strewn everywhere.