As I do not know how many people read the replies to comments on my posts, I decided to submit a post in response to a comment by Teresa (thank you Teresa for your recent comment, by the way), specifically relating to my post entitled “Transgender Like Me.”
She mentioned that my perspective comes from the gender binary. She is correct. I identify as a woman (in opposition to male, which I was assigned at birth). I am not nonbinary and cannot appreciate fully the circumstances relating to that identity. Truly, I do not recall seeing anyone on this website take up the cause of nonbinary individuals, and their own unique experiences. I have not searched extensively on the web, but it does appear that there are various websites devoted to the nonbinary identity, as well as for individuals who use the terms “genderfluid,” “enby,” “xenic,” and “pangender” who may not like the term nonbinary. It is good to be aware of the desire for all people to be accepted for who they are, rather than how they look or what term they choose to apply to themselves. In that respect, we should all relate to their desire, even if we see the world primarily in binary terms and even if some of us see ourselves “simply as CD” rather than on the transgender spectrum. I should add that these terms may be frustrating to the uninitiated, particularly if the people who use them for themselves are insistent that others use the correct term the first time (although I have never experienced that attitude myself). I have a young friend who was assigned female at birth and who presents to the world as a female (clothing, mannerisms, etcetera). “They” patiently explained to me the first time we spoke that they are a transgender bi-sexual who prefers the pronouns “they/them.” It has taken a long time for me to get the pronouns down correctly, but with a little practice I have managed. They have always forgiven me when I slip up.
One other observation: the spectrum terms we see applied to gender identity seem to be mirrored with sexual orientations. We now have individuals who use terms which did not exist when our (typical) demographic was born, which can be frustrating for us older folks. Yet, just as someone’s sexual orientation has no impact on another person who is not a sexual partner, someone’s gender preference should have no impact on another person who is not a life partner or immediate family member. Any reaction to the contrary is simply an expression of personal bias or animus. When we see another person we should feel comfortable judging their bad behavior, not their appearance. I wish to add a side comment here that behavior is also what is fair in the law. Laws which increase the sentence for an assault that occurs in a gender specific space would get my support, as long as the laws applied equally to any individual (regardless of presentation) who commit the assault. Note, however, that laws like these have not been proposed; rather, laws are constantly being proposed that assume bad behavior by a narrow group of individuals (read here: transgender females) with no data supporting that such individuals actually commit assaults in numbers greater than the general population. Fear based on personal bias/animus often seems sufficient to justify banning transgender people from certain spaces. Under some of these laws, you could peaceably use a ladies’ room, only to be charged with a crime when you exit if you could not show a legal ID with “female” on it.
But I digress. I wanted to share with you how I recently became more aware of the experiences of nonbinary people. In mid-November I took a flight across the United States and decided to see how I would be treated if I flew without makeup or female clothes. I parted my longish hair down the middle, wore very small stud earrings, had my nails painted in a neutral pink that resembles natural nails but is shiny, wore black trainers (sneakers), navy cargo pants and a V-neck t-shirt (with a binder underneath so that my cleavage would be less obvious, rather than a bra which would make it more obvious). The t-shirt was not tight but still showed off a few of my curves. When speaking, I did not use the voice I was born with, but I also did not completely revert to my “Lisa voice” (which I have previously discussed in my post “Making My Voice Heard”).
I encountered two layers of security after arriving at my departure airport. The first was with Clear, a process that uses a retinal scan to verify one’s identity. The second was with the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) officer to whom I was escorted by Clear. The Clear employee immediately said, “step right up ma’am” and complimented me on my t-shirt (for the curious among you, it had Looney Tunes characters on it and was cute, if I don’t say so myself). The TSA agent (who clearly was reading my legal ID) said, “thank you, ma’am” as I took my belongings to the bin for scanning. Both individuals were males. I then headed to an airport lounge, where I was required to present my credit card and driving license, both of which have the male designation. The young woman behind the counter also could see my membership information with “Mr.” on it on her screen. I was not surprised therefore when she said, “welcome back, sir.” Incidentally, while at my departure airport I used the ladies’ room twice with no looks askance.
Inside the airplane, I helped a small man for whom English was a second language try to put his belongings in the overhead bin. He was so short he could not reach even the lever to unlatch the closed bin. I quickly discovered that both the bin overhead as well as the neighboring bins were full. I tried unsuccessfully to flag down a flight attendant to help him. Frustrated, he took his seat next to me and tried to put his bag between his legs. I explained to him that it was unsafe, and his bag would be taken from him – better to find an open bin. I surveyed the back of the airplane and spotted an open bin and pointed him to it. After he returned to his seat, a woman behind me tapped me on the shoulder. When I turned, she said, “thank you for being so kind to him – it is so rare today.” I thanked her for noticing. My perception is that she would not have complimented a male in this situation, since men are expected to help lift bags for others. Even if I am wrong about that, she still accepted and respected me.
At my destination airport, where my wife waited to pick me up, I found a private place, removed the earrings, parted my hair in the more male fashion, and put a hoodie on to cover my limited natural curves. I headed to the men’s room and received no strange looks. You may wonder why I chose to use the men’s room instead of the ladies in this situation. It was not my first choice, but it was the most practical given my presentation at the time when I realized I needed to go (and the fact I needed to present to my wife shortly as a male). In any case, no one looked at me as if I did not belong, even if I felt that I did not.
I wanted to relate this story to you because it was a good experiment to see how a non-binary person would be treated. It also helped me to understand better how I would be perceived with minimal gender markers now that I have been on hormones for four years and I navigate more than half my life as a woman. If you like the word “passing,” which Teresa used in her comment, then I successfully passed as a male when I made the effort and was required by circumstances to do that. I also successfully “passed” as a female, except when forced to show my legal ID. As you can see, I received nothing but respect and acceptance along my journey. Who knows? Perhaps I am more nonbinary than I thought.
By the way, I do not believe I am a unicorn with the magical power to make people accept me. I will admit to only one secret weapon: I wear a smile constantly. Please go out there, however you identify, and whomever you love. Be genuine. Smile. If you give respect to other people, you deserve respect in return.
