As I do not know how many people read the replies to comments on my posts, I decided to submit a post in response to a comment by Teresa (thank you Teresa for your recent comment, by the way), specifically relating to my post entitled “Transgender Like Me.”
She mentioned that my perspective comes from the gender binary. She is correct. I identify as a woman (in opposition to male, which I was assigned at birth). I am not nonbinary and cannot appreciate fully the circumstances relating to that identity. Truly, I do not recall seeing anyone on this website take up the cause of nonbinary individuals, and their own unique experiences. I have not searched extensively on the web, but it does appear that there are various websites devoted to the nonbinary identity, as well as for individuals who use the terms “genderfluid,” “enby,” “xenic,” and “pangender” who may not like the term nonbinary. It is good to be aware of the desire for all people to be accepted for who they are, rather than how they look or what term they choose to apply to themselves. In that respect, we should all relate to their desire, even if we see the world primarily in binary terms and even if some of us see ourselves “simply as CD” rather than on the transgender spectrum. I should add that these terms may be frustrating to the uninitiated, particularly if the people who use them for themselves are insistent that others use the correct term the first time (although I have never experienced that attitude myself). I have a young friend who was assigned female at birth and who presents to the world as a female (clothing, mannerisms, etcetera). “They” patiently explained to me the first time we spoke that they are a transgender bi-sexual who prefers the pronouns “they/them.” It has taken a long time for me to get the pronouns down correctly, but with a little practice I have managed. They have always forgiven me when I slip up.
One other observation: the spectrum terms we see applied to gender identity seem to be mirrored with sexual orientations. We now have individuals who use terms which did not exist when our (typical) demographic was born, which can be frustrating for us older folks. Yet, just as someone’s sexual orientation has no impact on another person who is not a sexual partner, someone’s gender preference should have no impact on another person who is not a life partner or immediate family member. Any reaction to the contrary is simply an expression of personal bias or animus. When we see another person we should feel comfortable judging their bad behavior, not their appearance. I wish to add a side comment here that behavior is also what is fair in the law. Laws which increase the sentence for an assault that occurs in a gender specific space would get my support, as long as the laws applied equally to any individual (regardless of presentation) who commit the assault. Note, however, that laws like these have not been proposed; rather, laws are constantly being proposed that assume bad behavior by a narrow group of individuals (read here: transgender females) with no data supporting that such individuals actually commit assaults in numbers greater than the general population. Fear based on personal bias/animus often seems sufficient to justify banning transgender people from certain spaces. Under some of these laws, you could peaceably use a ladies’ room, only to be charged with a crime when you exit if you could not show a legal ID with “female” on it.
But I digress. I wanted to share with you how I recently became more aware of the experiences of nonbinary people. In mid-November I took a flight across the United States and decided to see how I would be treated if I flew without makeup or female clothes. I parted my longish hair down the middle, wore very small stud earrings, had my nails painted in a neutral pink that resembles natural nails but is shiny, wore black trainers (sneakers), navy cargo pants and a V-neck t-shirt (with a binder underneath so that my cleavage would be less obvious, rather than a bra which would make it more obvious). The t-shirt was not tight but still showed off a few of my curves. When speaking, I did not use the voice I was born with, but I also did not completely revert to my “Lisa voice” (which I have previously discussed in my post “Making My Voice Heard”).
I encountered two layers of security after arriving at my departure airport. The first was with Clear, a process that uses a retinal scan to verify one’s identity. The second was with the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) officer to whom I was escorted by Clear. The Clear employee immediately said, “step right up ma’am” and complimented me on my t-shirt (for the curious among you, it had Looney Tunes characters on it and was cute, if I don’t say so myself). The TSA agent (who clearly was reading my legal ID) said, “thank you, ma’am” as I took my belongings to the bin for scanning. Both individuals were males. I then headed to an airport lounge, where I was required to present my credit card and driving license, both of which have the male designation. The young woman behind the counter also could see my membership information with “Mr.” on it on her screen. I was not surprised therefore when she said, “welcome back, sir.” Incidentally, while at my departure airport I used the ladies’ room twice with no looks askance.
Inside the airplane, I helped a small man for whom English was a second language try to put his belongings in the overhead bin. He was so short he could not reach even the lever to unlatch the closed bin. I quickly discovered that both the bin overhead as well as the neighboring bins were full. I tried unsuccessfully to flag down a flight attendant to help him. Frustrated, he took his seat next to me and tried to put his bag between his legs. I explained to him that it was unsafe, and his bag would be taken from him – better to find an open bin. I surveyed the back of the airplane and spotted an open bin and pointed him to it. After he returned to his seat, a woman behind me tapped me on the shoulder. When I turned, she said, “thank you for being so kind to him – it is so rare today.” I thanked her for noticing. My perception is that she would not have complimented a male in this situation, since men are expected to help lift bags for others. Even if I am wrong about that, she still accepted and respected me.
At my destination airport, where my wife waited to pick me up, I found a private place, removed the earrings, parted my hair in the more male fashion, and put a hoodie on to cover my limited natural curves. I headed to the men’s room and received no strange looks. You may wonder why I chose to use the men’s room instead of the ladies in this situation. It was not my first choice, but it was the most practical given my presentation at the time when I realized I needed to go (and the fact I needed to present to my wife shortly as a male). In any case, no one looked at me as if I did not belong, even if I felt that I did not.
I wanted to relate this story to you because it was a good experiment to see how a non-binary person would be treated. It also helped me to understand better how I would be perceived with minimal gender markers now that I have been on hormones for four years and I navigate more than half my life as a woman. If you like the word “passing,” which Teresa used in her comment, then I successfully passed as a male when I made the effort and was required by circumstances to do that. I also successfully “passed” as a female, except when forced to show my legal ID. As you can see, I received nothing but respect and acceptance along my journey. Who knows? Perhaps I am more nonbinary than I thought.
By the way, I do not believe I am a unicorn with the magical power to make people accept me. I will admit to only one secret weapon: I wear a smile constantly. Please go out there, however you identify, and whomever you love. Be genuine. Smile. If you give respect to other people, you deserve respect in return.
12 Responses
Lisa,
I confess that I still struggle with the NB situation .
Sometime ago I went to see a one person stage show presented by Elise Heaven , the show’s program title was ” She’s a Good Boy ” Afterwards Elise was booked in the Cellar Bar to talk to members of the audience but she didn’t appear , despite that the show presenters held the informal chat session without Elise . I have to admit the show muddied the waters more for me and it appears many others . In one scene Elise appeared wearing a bridesmaid’s dress which she then tore apart , the point being a sister had asked Elise to be a bridesmaid at her wedding , Elise refused . So the sister offered an alternative to be one of the groomesmen but again a refusal , what part could the sister ask Elise to play without appearing to exclude them/they ? Being NB began to look more like existing in ” NO man’s land ” almost an outsider in society , in truth not having a gender identity scares me not because it pleases society but it pleases me to be Teresa .
Afterwards in the bar there was a young transgender m/f with her parents , I asked the mother if she felt guilty after her son had revealed the truth ? The reason why I asked was because after I told my mother she rang a couple of days later very upset with the thought that as a mother she was responsible for my situation . I calmed her by saying that I was born transgender as a mother she wasn’t responsible . The mother admitted she also felt guilty initially but their counsellor thankfully helped them thorough that problem . The rest of the group asked some very interesting questions , it was great having enough knowledege to reply to most of them . This brings me back to the point about finding out what makes us tick , if we want acceptance then we need to know how to explain it to people , lets not forget some of the people in that group had never met a transgender person before .
As for our travels , earlier this year I took my first cruise as Teresa which went very well so next year I’ve booked my first flight , I have played safe as it’s not an international flight but a short 90 minute hop to Guernsey in the Channel Islands .
I feel we cling onto the ” passing ” question until we build an identity , so it’s not something that concerns me now but when you have to pass from one gender to the other it’s harder if not impossible to build an identity .
Teresa,
I hope your ears were burning when I wrote this piece, since you were the inspiration.
I’m curious. Do you think that you still pass well as a male, on those rare occasions when you are required to do it. You are Teresa through and through, which is why I ask. I know it is difficult for me. But my circumstances require it, and I find that it isn’t always difficult. I notice in particular when I’m forced to be “the guy” for an extended period of time. I also noticed when I’m in a circumstance where I would love to dress up and wear some of my beautiful clothes and simply relax and talk to the ladies.
Lisa
Lisa,
I did appreciate you based your piece on my reply to ” Transgender like me ” , I agree with Michelle you replies are well thought through .
Very interesting question on ” passing ” in male mode , to put it mildly I hate every minute of it . Some time ago my ex arranged a meet up with our grandchildren at an adventure playground , I was early so waited at the entrance to the car park , I felt so uncomfortable feeling everyone was looking at me , almost a MIAD in reverse . More recently I had to take my lightweight scaffold to my son who had just moved house , I tried to avoid my neighbours but a lovely lady across the road from me was putting out rubbish in her recycle bin and waved . I looked straight ahead and ignored her , if she mentioned it I was going to say it was my son driving because he’d come to collect the scaffold .
I admit I’m not a great lover of Christmas , this year has gone very pear shaped because my ex and daughter have had a terrible argument over me , we’ve been separated and divorced now for eight years but she still won’t let it go .
Teresa,
I hope I didn’t remove the scab on a wound with my question. I just understand better than most what it feels like to need to pretend.
So sorry to hear about your continuing family tensions. Other than ongoing struggles I have already mentioned with my beloved regarding my identity, I have no other tensions at this point. I think I have now told 9 family members, so I think I am doing well. That being said, only 4 have seen the real me.
In any case, I hope you can find some light in the darkness for the holidays.
Lisa
Lisa, your experiment really highlights how much presentation shapes people’s reactions. And just how complicated that in-between space can be. You navigated both sides of it with so much grace.
And I love that you don’t just reply to comments, but actually turn them into full follow-up posts when the conversation deserves more depth.
Im 77. I first went out in public in the early 1980s. I had a few disturbing events, but nothing that was life changing. Today if I someone makes a comment or a look I ignore them and continue to have a good time. Believe me it’s better now.
Terri,
You are one of our “grande dames!” We have much to learn by listening to those women who like you who have had long experiences interacting with the world as yourselves.
Thank you sharing!
Lisa
Michelle,
Thank you for your comment. I must admit that my experiment has done nothing to change my strong comfort level with the obvious female side of the spectrum.
But it did remind me that I don’t need to put on my makeup or dress in a particular way to be me. And, I should worry less about what other people think and reflect more on how I feel inside. Battling to get that lesson learned seems to be taking me a lifetime!
Lisa
I actually do consider myself as fluid and nonbinary
Yes I primarily consider myself as trans and feminine and do prefer she/her
However I don’t present myself as full on female very often. I wear makeup almost every day and have a lot of gender neutral clothes I wear
For me my clothes are clothes it’s just what I wear so that is my experience as a fluid person
Rachael,
It sounds like you have a truly healthy relationship to yourself, which is inspirational.
I tend to gravitate toward “full on” female. I have a cisgender girlfriend who kids me, saying I am “such a Southern lady.” She is in the mountain states, where it is most normal not to wear any makeup, so she is referring to the fact that I never leave home without makeup on my face. I take it as a backhanded compliment, although I am closer in my soul to being a posh English lady than a Southern lady!
Lisa
Lisa,
This is a hard issue for me. Where do I sit on the TG, NB, or CD curves. Or are these just a few of the curves we exist on.
I am almost always CDing, Currently I hardly ever wear more than one male item in a complete outfit, and most of the times its none. I wear eye shadow and mascara on my non-professional days. I do (rarely) go out as “Cali”, full make-up
TG is confusing for me. I have always felt somewhat female. Growing up I was envious of what women could wear and men couldn’t. Even though my mother didn’t paint her nails and wore minimum makeup, I WANTED TO. I know I will not transition now, too many medical complications to consider, but I wonder about microdosing. If I were to transition, I would WANT a hair transplant included.
NB. Some people might put me in this ‘category’ when they see me. I look male* (even in my cheetah sherpa or faux fur tiger print vest) – mostly because I’m mostly bald on my hair. And simultaneously, I look somewhat female, long gorgeous fingernails (I had 3 women wanting to look at my nails at a gathering yesterday), always in heels and my toes are always painted.
The only thing I know for sure is I am me.
Cali
Cali,
The most important thing I read from your comment was your conclusion: “the only thing I know for sure is I am me.” No one should be putting us into a box of their own creation.
And I am pleased to hear that being you comes easy. We should all aspire to a life like that.
Interestingly, I don’t know how I would survive without my own hair. All the persons on this website suffering from hair loss have my sympathies, as I wore wigs for 25 years to put on my female self. I feel like I don’t have to put on my female now, and (lucky for me) I now only wear my own hair on top.
You keep being you. It is a winning formula.
Lisa