By Amanda J.
In part 1 of this series, posted on 17 January, I talked about my botched confession to Mrs A, my wife, and the resultant ultimatum I was given. In part 2, posted on 31 January, I considered the ethical position of my subsequent return to CDing under the marital radar and in part 3 posted on 21 February I tried to look at everything from a different angle. Now it’s time to consider what I’ve learned from the whole sorry episode and how it could be approached differently. I’ve aimed this in particular at those readers who are facing the desire, or need, to confess to their nearest & dearest but hope that those readers who didn’t get it as spectacularly wrong as I did will add their own thoughts and advice to the comments below.
Let’s be clear at the outset; there’s no sure-fire formula for guaranteeing success because there is a large and unknown variable – the wife’s attitude to transgender issues in general and her husband’s participation in them in particular (and I’m using ‘transgender’ and ‘trans’ as umbrella terms for the full spectrum of gender variance from occasional CDing to full surgical transition). If a wife is the sort of person that would call security about ‘a man in the ladies’ toilets’ if she saw a transwoman using them, the odds of a successful confession from her husband are not high. And even if she is supportive of LGBT issues in general, that support may not extend to tolerance of her husband’s enthusiastic ‘enjoyment’ of them. The only thing that any husband who wants or needs to confess can do is do his best. And I have to add a disclaimer here; we’re all different and married to different people and we can’t unsay what we’ve said. For some wives, a CDing confession is sufficient grounds to immediately end a marriage and what follows is only my opinion. I’m not a trained counsellor and the points I make are solely how I would do things differently if I could wind the clock back. They may work for others or they may not but your decision to confess and what happens afterwards are your sole responsibility. In other words, if it all goes wrong, don’t blame me!
So, having got the disclaimer out of the way, here goes…
Before you even start to plan what you’re going to say, ask yourself the simple question – how would you feel if you weren’t trans but your wife suddenly told you that she was in some way uncertain about her gender and liked to explore her male side by binding her chest, wearing a false beard and so on, something she’d been doing behind your back for many years? Would you be OK with it or devastated? Would you feel that your trust had been betrayed, not only because she’d been doing it behind your back but also because she’d not felt able to talk to you about it? Would you wish you’d never asked her to marry you in the first place and tell her that she either had to be a proper wife and forget these thoughts or pack her bags? Would you worry what your friends will think? What is the end point – full transition? These are all thoughts & fears that your wife will have so think how you would want to be told if the shoe was on the other foot, so to speak.
Now do your homework and then prepare, prepare and prepare again:
- Before you start the conversation, try to understand why you are this way. If you’re over 50, did your mother perhaps take an oestrogen-based drug during pregnancy (google ‘DES sons transgender’ if you’re unaware of a drug that was widely prescribed to prevent miscarriage on both sides of the Atlantic up to the 1970s). Was there something in your childhood that may have been a factor? What’s important here is that you are able to convey the simple fact that this is something you cannot help, not a lifestyle choice.
- Think about all of the struggles you’ve had. The denial, hating yourself and feeling shame for having these thoughts, perhaps feeling that falling in love with your wife had cured you.
- Try to understand how far you want to take this – occasional crossdressing, regular socialising as a female, low dose HRT, full surgical transition or somewhere else.
- Understand that the marriage dynamic may change and what compromises you will be prepared (or able) to accept to preserve the marriage.
- And now for the big one – have a compelling explanation as to why you hid your trans feelings from her for so long. All of the times you’ve tried to bury the thoughts, feelings that you were ‘cured’, disgust with yourself etc. It’s very important that she does not see this as an intentional breach of trust or deception within the marriage.
And now for the conversation itself…
- Pick an appropriate time – don’t ambush her when she’s just returned from work as I did or when she’s preoccupied with other things. You’ve had a long time to process this & prepare for the conversation, she hasn’t.
- Focus the conversation on her needs, not yours – she will need answers on why this has been hidden and what the implications are for her in the future.
- Understand that the news will probably be devastating for her. She may move out of the marital bed into the spare room, she may experience raw grief, she may be angry with you or any of a large number of other emotions. Give her the space she needs to process it but support her by being there when she needs to discuss it.
- Answer every question she asks with complete honesty. That does not mean that you have to disclose every last detail, particularly if doing so would unduly add to her emotional distress but, for example, if you’re confessing to crossdressing and she asks ‘do you want to be a woman?’, answering no when you’re either actively exploring that option or know in your heart that it’s what you want to do is only going to cause more hurt and distress when the truth eventually comes out.
- Understand that whilst you may want the marriage to continue, she may not – in the same way that you are claiming the right to deal with your transgenderism in whichever way you want, she has an equal right to make whatever decisions she wants to shape the rest of her life. In particular, if you are planning to make permanent changes to your body or lifestyle, be prepared to give her everything she needs for her happiness – that is the price to pay for yours. The marriage dynamic may well change but if she can see that you’re putting her needs at the top of your priority list, it’s probably got more chance of surviving in some form.
- Do not, whatever you do, take up a position of conflict, point out that she promised ’till death do us part’ in the marriage vows (the same vows that asked whether she took ‘this man’ which you’re now pointing out may not have been an entirely accurate description of you) or try to suggest that it’s all OK because you’re still the same person underneath. You need to work through this together as allies, not enemies, in particular as the only beneficiaries in a hostile divorce are the lawyers who have to be hired to sort it all out.
So that’s my two pence/cents worth. I wish I could finish this piece with the statement ‘follow my simple steps and your wife’s approval is guaranteed’ but the fact is that nothing is further from the truth. There is no simple formula for doing this for the one simple reason that there is a large factor over which you have absolutely no control – your wife’s views on what having a trans husband means to her. Every marriage is different – some are based on physical attraction, some on shared interests, some on emotional connection and so on – and every wife is different and two identical confessions to two different wives can have two very different outcomes.
In the end, no one understands your marriage dynamic better than you do and that understanding must shape how you approach ‘the conversation’. But when you’re having it, please just don’t make the same mistakes that I did! And that was supposed to be the end of this little series but, as I put the final touches to it, I realised that there was one more issue that, mercifully, I haven’t had to experience. Well not yet, anyway but it’s almost certain that, as time goes on, the probability that my little secret that I have resumed my ‘under the radar’ crossdressing will be ‘rumbled’ and I’ll have some explaining to do. So part 5, which I do intend to be the final part, will look at getting caught.
21 Responses
Hi Amanda:
This has been a fascinating series, one to which I can relate having recently made such a reveal. I must have done something right, or maybe I’m just one of the lucky ones, as my marriage did not end, we are OK and my wife is accepting, even participatory up to a point. It’s important to mention however that even in the most accepting situation most SOs have boundaries that should not be crossed, and don’t be surprised if these come up early on. For me, its stepping out publicly – something I want to do but know that such a deception could be a “deal breaker” should I be “caught”. How we feel about such an arrangement ,perhaps a negotiation of sorts, might enter into our equation of how to handle the CD disclosure and how we handle the aftermath.
Kris, thank you for taking the time to comment and I’m glad to hear that things have worked out well for you. I think you make a very important point about boundaries and it’s quite possible that, after disclosure, those boundaries will be more restricting than the freedom previously ‘enjoyed’ when everything was still under the marital radar. And, of course, those boundaries can change – push things too hard, too quickly and tolerance can evaporate; take things steady and respect the wife’s viewpoint, on the other hand, and attitudes can soften over time and wives can even enjoy the ride.
I hope that you will fulfil your dream to step out into the big wide world sometime soon.
I told my wife after 10 years of marriage. She had found a women’s name and phone number in my wallet. That night I told her about my femme side.
We are now married 50 years. She has not seen me dressed enfemme except for a pic by accident. The keyword in my life is balance. I tried to have my wife understand my femme side over the years. I get out enfemme when I can. My children don’t know. I have struggled with this part of me my whole life. We are all different and all the same in some ways.
Terri
Terri, thanks for commenting and your story just goes to show that there are many flavours of spousal tolerance. In the end, you prove that this need not impact on a marriage and the ability of both parties to compromise is everything.
Amanda,
Thank you so much for presenting your views and recommendations on this very serious subject. Your advice has helped me greatly to amend the speech I have been preparing for decades.
But, I do not plan on giving that speech, ever.
You are a very special person. I continue to hope your life may be happy and fulfilling as en homme and en femme.
Your friend,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, thanks for contributing. I completely get the wife’s point of view in all of this but I find it tragic that the level of understanding is often so low. And by that, I don’t mean understanding why we do it – we don’t even understand that so what hope has anyone else got? – but understanding how deeply it affects our lives. Personally, I would far rather be able to walk away from all of this and keep the promise I made but I tried and it just didn’t work.
I think the biggest gulf we have to bridge is the view that we do this purely for pleasure. Yes, getting all tarted up feels amazing but I know that every time I climb that ladder to retrieve Amanda’s things, it’s because it’s necessary for ‘him’ to function. I’m in a bit of a lull at the moment so I’m quite happy to leave everything where it is but I know that sometime soon, maybe in a day or two or a week or two, she’ll be once again screaming to be let out and trying to do anything other than succumb will be to the detriment of my day to day life as him. The sad thing is that conveying that concept during a confession is nigh on impossible, firstly because it soon becomes apparent that it’s firefighting to save the marriage and secondly because it turns everything the wife believes about her husband on its head.
And that’s really the biggest challenge we face.
Before we were married my wife found my “stash”in my apartment. She was devastated because she thought I was cheating on her.I have always felt there should be full disclosure and honesty on both sides going into a marriage.Nobody wants any surprises so I told her the truth.To my total surprise she really had no problem with it.In fact after we married and time went by she even encouraged me to do this more up to fully transitioning if that was what I wanted ,although I never went that far.For a time she bought me many gifts and they were always girl things including jewelry.We`ve been together now 49 years though I rarely dress now.Whether I do or I don’t there’s never any mention one way or the other. I still don’t quite know what to make of her non-reaction and encouragement.
Laura, I think we’re all turning green with envy! Mrs Laura sounds like an amazing lady!
You are very fortunate that the opportunity to talk about this to your wife presented itself in the way that it did. I think many of us look back and wish that we’d played things differently but often the reality is that, at the time we met our future wives, we were either unaware of the woman within or we believed that we’d been able to banish her to eternal oblivion. But your story, plus those of several other contributors here, demonstrates that it needn’t be a dealbreaker as far as marriage is concerned and providing both sides are respectful of the other’s point of view, the marriage can be all the better as a result. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Thanks for the excellent series Amanda, as one of those who has chosen to not tell my wife at this stage. I found your series really balanced and thoughtful.
Of course in the ideal world, I would have told my wife before we were married, but that would have been impossible because Becky only emerged 20 years after we were married. When one is a ‘late on-setter’ when is the time to tell?
Becky, thanks for the compliment!
As for when is the time to tell for the late onsetters, the answer of course is a long time before we get to the point when we realise that, in an ideal world, it’s something we should disclose. By the time we realise that, of course, we’ve dug ourselves into a hole with our only way out being a hope that our wives will understand .
Against that background, I think that the answer to the question is at the point when we first realise that we have an urge to CD. A conversation that starts ‘over the past week, I’ve felt an increasing urge to explore my feminine side and I’d really like your help and support in exploring this’ is almost certainly going to go far better than one that, regardless of how it starts, ends up with the revelation that one has been a CDer for years, if not decades. At its core, CDing is harmless but it’s all the other baggage we pick up as we ‘enjoy’ our feminine side that can potentially do the most damage to a marriage.
In the end, the best time to tell a wife who loves the idea of her husband actively exploring his feminine side and will enthusiastically support his every move is five minutes into the first date. The best time to tell a wife who will be tempted to slice you into small pieces and dance on your grave is never (acknowledging that, even parking the CD issue, she may not have been a wise choice for a wife anyway). The problem is that we’re never completely sure exactly where on the continuum between the two our wives actually sit and that’s the challenge!
Becky and Amanda,
Of course once the “genie” is out of the bottle you cannot get it back in, if the wifely response was negative.
Damned if we do, and damned if we don’t.
Jocelyn
Amanda,
We would all agree that there is never a right time to come out to our wife or partner . Why did I do it ? Like many of us we are in denial , we feel shame and guilt and to compensate we work 24/7 in an attempt to drive it out of our thoughts . Eventually I was totally exhausted with it all I had almost ceased to function , I felt I didn’t have a choice because I was putting pressure on her besides I had a business to run and I was struggling with it . The final push was reading other people’s stories on an online forum , reading their mistakes , I knew I had to get the facts straight , I needed to understand why I felt this way so I could find the right time to tell her . In the end I said I have something to tell you and with that broke down completely and sobbed my heart out for several minutes , I have never cried so much before or since but in those moments I felt a millstone had been lifted off my shoulders . Eventually I gathered myself and told her about my dressing needs and why I felt that way , we held each other so tightly , she was trying to understand . In the following days we didn’t say much , there was no anger but now there were so many unanswered questions , I didn’t know if I was freer to dress or I should try and stop completely and possibly purge everything . Then one day she came home and saw me dressed in the hallway , she flew out the door and drove to her sisters . The outcome of that was my brother in law came to see me , we drove round as we talked , he didn’t understand but he tried to help . That is when I knew I had to be totally honest with everyone , now was not the time to make promises I couldn’t keep . Over the next few weeks the DADT wall went up , I felt isolated , lonely and unloved , that is when I almost ended my life , so there was no choice but to enter counselling . She thought that would be a cure , what she failed to realise was it’s not an illness , thers is no cure , all we can do is find ways to live with it , at that point it was obvious she couldn’t live with it and I couldn’t survive without it , the bottom line I was transgender . The rest is as they say ” History !”
Teresa, thank you for sharing your experience. Sadly, and as I said in the post, there is no sure fire formula for success and many of us have experienced similar reactions. I think it’s fair to say that confessing to this may well be the most challenging thing we’re faced with in our lives (our wider lives, that is, not just in a CD/TG context). It’s a multidimensional challenge too – I found out the hard way that the deception was as much of an issue as the CDing, something I’d completely overlooked when deciding what to say.
And whereas I like to give an upbeat message – basically ‘if I can do this, so can you’ – in my posts but the sad truth as both of us, and many more like us, found out is that the whole thing can blow up in our face and whilst the reaction may be positive or benign, it often isn’t. But to anyone reading this, the message has to be to learn from others’ mistakes and plan accordingly. It doesn’t guarantee success but it may avoid the absolute worst happening.
Amanda,
At the end of the day was it a mistake to reveal all to my ex , would it have been a better option to try and retain a marriage ? From where I am now the answer is definitely NO ! My life is upbeat , I’m happy with the decision I made , separation wasn’t the end of the world , it released us both from an unhappy marriage , the damage was done , it also took the pressure off our son and daughter who might have devoted precious time trying to support us .
Separation is the outcome of a failed marriage for whatever reason , we both felt relieved once we had sensibly considered it , it gave us the oportunity to build a new life , for the sake of the children and grandchildren we tried to keep it amicable . I made it clear when I moved to my new home that everyone was welcome , sadly my ex is not going to get over losing me , she knows she handled it badly , that is something I can never put right .
Sometimes we just have to go for the least worst option. In an ideal world, everyone would be accepted for what they are but, sadly, that’s not the world we live in. In the end we can only do what we feel is right under the circumstances and hope that even if it causes hurt and disruption, it’s still a better proposition than the alternative for all concerned.
Thank you Amanda, it is another from the heart post. It hits home with me on so many levels. First off, if my wife wanted to express a more masculine presentation, I think I would be accepting of it. I would hope she would also have a feminine side that she would also express. I can understand if she is no longer attracted to me, she has seen pictures of me, so I can understand this.
I know people change during a marriage, and they are not the person they were when they were younger. I have always accepted my wife and wanted her love. We went through some difficult times for about fifteen years of our marriage, this had nothing to do with my feminine side. I wanted to be her loving husband, but I was not happy in our relationship.
When she did find out about my feminine side she was devastated, and I can understand why. I made pretty much all the mistakes you did Amanda. I wish I could take all those things back, but that is impossible. I have changed on how I feel about my wife now. These issues are unrelated to my trans feelings. If she does not want to be a part of my life, I can deal with that. If she does want to be a part of my life, she does not have to accept my feminine side. I do however want the freedom to express how I feel about my gender identity. I don’t feel I can or should control her life, and I do not think she should control mine as well.
Acceptance is a gift that would mean the world to me. I will always be there if we can work this part of our life out. I don’t think I could be truly happy if I gave up either my masculine side or my feminine side. You always need to be true to yourself. She has felt resentment of me for a large part of our marriage, I am beginning to feel that way about her. This is s feeling I do not like, I will always keep hope alive.
Thank you Amanda, you are a wonderful person and it is always a pleasure to chat with you about our challenges. I also love chatting about how we feel as women.
Love ya
Julie
Julie, thank you for sharing your very personal thoughts. As usual, I could have written much of what you wrote myself.
As I hope comes across in this and the other parts of this series of posts, I completely understand wives’ attitudes to all of this and am very sympathetic. But as you described so well, there comes a point when we can do no more and resentment breeds. I suspect that if your wife and mine were to sit down and talk, conversation would very quickly turn to how this would have been a dealbreaker if they’d known at the outset and I get that. But I do think that that standpoint is effectively seen as a ‘get out of jail free’ card to exonerate them from any blame for other issues affecting the marriage.
This post was a rerun and was originally posted about 10 months before things came to a head and DADT was agreed. At the time, that felt like a dream come true – I could do what I wanted and Mrs A would look the other way and not ask questions. But the reality is that it just papered over the cracks and in many respects, I feel the same guilt and anxiety now that I did when I was carrying on in secret. In strong marriages, issues are discussed and worked through, not ignored or declared subjects not to be discussed and I’m sure that you often have the same thoughts as I do – where is the tipping point where we just stop trying to hold things together and just say ‘stuff it’? There was a time when I would have done anything to rid myself of this but these days it’s a side of me I want to protect, not least because it gives me respite from the challenges of family life and life in general.
I hope that you and Mrs J can eventually find a way to navigate through this because things will undoubtedly be better for both of you if she can accept it in some shape or form.
Julie,
It is an awful feeling when you start to resent the person you should still be in love with , the one you vowed to love and cherish for the rest of you life . As you comment , people change , should we accept total blame because we have a hidden side to us ? I’m so glad I had my dog to walk , it helped clear my head but most mornings I still cursed her for the control she exerted over my life . Some mornings I couldn’t give a **** what people thought , I would undersdress in a bra and pants , with a Tshirt and skirt and when I was away from home on my walk I would remove the male outer layer , yes people saw me , I just smiled and wished them good morning , when I returned home I was ready to face the day .
everyone is in a pickle if they keep this aspect of their life on the down low and then divulge it later on.To be honest with one’s self the reason that we now come clean is the way society has opened up so there is now a lot to take advantage of which did not exist in the past.It may be harsh but that’s how I see it.
But as to not understanding why we are what we are the answer is simple: WIRING. We are what we are and there is no reason for shame.
Emily,
There’s another reason: AGE. I’m too old to worry what others think. Still working in my 70’s and I’m known for my nails and heels.
Emily, that’s true. I can only speak for myself but I kept quiet at the outset because I thought marriage had cured me. By the time I realised it hadn’t, it felt too late to raise it so I just tried firstly to tough out the urges and when that failed, carry on in secret. I knew at the time that it was only a matter of time before everything started to collapse around me, a prophesy that eventually came catastrophically true.