As CDers, we often look for affirmation from others and I’ve certainly fished hard for compliments in years gone by. I’ve posted photos of myself on Flickr in the hope that my ‘adoring fans’ would tell me how gorgeous I looked or how I was born to be a woman. And just to make sure, I saw nothing wrong with a spot of post-processing in FaceApp just to take off the rough edges (of which there were many) and present myself in the best possible light. And it did work, at least to a point. I built up around 1000 followers and life was fine & dandy until one day it wasn’t. The expected compliments (yes, I’d got so used to getting them that it just seemed a given by that stage) didn’t materialise and I was absolutely devastated.
The problem, of course, was that those compliments were insincere from a biased community who were either not averse to a spot of CDing themselves or were attracted in some way to those who did. A particularly nice comment I once received from one CDer quickly lost its edge when I noted exactly the same comment had been pasted into several others’ posts that day. I also realised that a compliment on any image I posted that had been tidied up in FaceApp should really be directed to FaceApp’s creators, not me and realised that fishing for compliments was ultimately a fruitless, if not destructive exercise. So I stopped worrying about what others think and concentrated on my own fulfilment.
But I don’t mind admitting that I still yearned for compliments, particularly reading the daily posts on Kandi’s Land where it appeared that others were regularly receiving them, not from the biased CD/admirer community but from random people when out and about. And these were not gushing compliments of the type I used to get on Flickr but just throwaway compliments about a nice dress, cute pair of shoes or things like that. And in 2025, it finally happened to me. Not one, not two but three compliments from three different people I’d never met and, in all probability, will never see again:
– ‘I like your boots’
– ‘you do look amazing’
– ‘I love your red nail colour’
Nothing, sadly, about how I could easily be mistaken for Helen of Troy’s twin sister but I’ll take whatever I can!
My last comment was tongue in cheek of course because the truth is that after receiving each one of those, I was on cloud nine. In simplistic terms, I do rather like my boots, I was particularly pleased with how I’d put together the outfit that attracted the ‘amazing’ compliment and the nails were a distinct improvement from the disgraceful state my natural nails are in. But it wasn’t just that that made my day. Read between the lines and there’s far more to savour.
The fact of the matter is I don’t pass. I may be lucky to get a photograph that was taken with exactly the right lighting and from exactly the right angle to portray me in a flattering way but the reality is very different. No one who sees me at close quarters, let alone talks to me, will be in any doubt about my chromosomes. The only element of doubt may be the extent to which I have moved along the trans continuum – they will have no idea whether I’m a full time transitioner, a one time CDer or somewhere in between. But that’s irrelevant here because the fact of the matter is that I put a lot of effort into transforming myself into the best portrayal of womanhood possible.
Maybe I fail in that quest and the compliments about my boots and nails were made purely and simply because the givers couldn’t find anything else in my presentation that was worthy of positive comment. Oh well, at least I have the ‘amazing’ compliment. Unless of course, what she meant to say was ‘you do look amazing considering you’re a guy underneath’. But perversely, if that was really what she meant, I’m rather flattered.
Whilst my corporate days are now nearly two decades behind me, one thing I remember is the propensity my female colleagues had to pay each other compliments. On one particularly memorable occasion, a colleague who sat opposite me had had a particularly unfortunate experience at the hairdressers which left her with a fringe halfway up her forehead. She was devastated and with good reason; it looked like one of those cuts that the class ‘weird kid’ had in primary school! However, once word got around, a procession of her female peers arrived at her desk to gush about how amazing her hair looked – I don’t want to sound cruel but ‘amazing’ or any other synonym were not words that sprung to my mind and the only thing I could think of saying was to reassure her that it would grow back!
So that begs the question as to why her colleagues were making comments that were obviously so wide of the mark? I’m no anthropologist and this is purely from my own observations but women seem to be compassionate by nature and I think that’s hardwired into them in the same way that their maternal instincts are. The gushing compliments about my hapless colleague’s new ‘hairstyle’ were not driven by any admiration for the look itself but, instead, to show solidarity.
But suppose my colleague had been a guy. Now, there’s nothing we loved more than to see one of our male colleagues turn up at work after an ill-fated trip to the barbers. Tears of laughter would be streaming down our faces as we turned up the mickey taking to 11. But where were the women then? Some would be joining in the mirth, others would be keeping quiet. Few, if any, would be coming up to console him and none would tell him how amazing his new cut looked, not least as a woman positively commenting about a man’s appearance (or vice versa) comes dangerously close to the area where comments or their motives can be misinterpreted.
And that brings me back to my three compliments. The comments about my boots and my outfit came from waitresses; would they have similarly commented on my clothing or appearance had I turned up in my normal guise, even if, for once, I’d made an effort to look half decent? Probably not. And would the lady on the till in a gift shop who praised my nail colour have said similar if my guy nails had been similarly coloured? Possibly but perhaps motivated by curiosity about the apparent jarring between the rest of my presentation and my nails and hope that I would explain why a seemingly normal guy would paint his nails that colour.
That’s all very well but I’ve already declared that there is no doubt in anyone’s mind that underneath the (hopefully) feminine exterior, I’m male so doesn’t that make the logic break down? These were not woman to woman interactions but quite obviously woman to man. But, paradoxically, it’s that very point that makes me treasure the memories of these compliments so much.
Because when the first waitress said that she liked my boots, it was irrelevant whether or not she liked them. In fact, I’d also suggest that if I had been obviously female, she may well not have made any comment about them at all. What I believe she was saying, and this was borne out when we briefly chatted before I left, was that she knew my secret and was fine with it. And the waitress who told me that I looked amazing – again, not a comment she could possibly have made to a male diner so again I sensed acceptance. Even the gift shop lady who focussed on my nails didn’t have to say anything but the mere fact that she did suggests a subliminal message which, if I’m correct in my supposition, was received loud and clear.
If I was a ‘glass half empty’ sort of person, this is the point at which I’d lament that the only reason I was on the receiving end of those nice comments was because I’m a CDing guy and they were just looking to burnish their social justice credentials. Or if I was delusional, I’d start gushing about how I passed so well that others couldn’t resist praising me. But I like to think it was each of them saying ‘I know you’re a guy but you’ve done enough to gain my approval. And, in fact, that’s the best accolade that most of us could ever wish for – unsolicited without any need for us to have declared our pronouns, corrected misgendering or anything else that has tarnished our collective reputation in recent years.
And because of that, it’s not just direct compliments that convey that message. A ‘how are you today?’ from a barista or sales assistant or even just a spontaneous smile from someone in the crowd say exactly the same thing – acceptance for who we are, however others want to view us.
And that to me is one of the most wonderful highs of being able to express this side of me, a side I had to keep hidden for so long. It’s a sign of connection that goes way beyond the words actually spoken. It’s a sign of acceptance of who we actually are. It’s a sign of encouragement to be ourselves. It’s a sign that the effort that we put into conforming to society’s expectations has paid off. And it’s a sign that despite everything, we have allies in the world.
As I said at the outset, I’ve long since given up fishing for compliments. I don’t know when the next one will come my way, if ever, but if I am lucky enough to be on the receiving end of a nice comment, I’ll once again smile and thank the giver for making my day special. Because that simple comment will be all the proof I need that my hard work has paid off.
16 Responses
Amanda,
You have stated, in many more words than I would have used, how I have felt when strangers gave me kind words of acceptance. Your post is much more elegant than anything I could have created. Well done.
I should gush about this post, but I don’t want to be seen as a person who provides “compliments” indiscriminately (lol)!
Oh well; I love this post. Thank you for sharing what so many of us have experienced. Sharing our highs and lows is important to our sisterhood.
Love you,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, thanks – I’m never one to say in one hundred words what I can stretch out to a couple of thousand!!
Seriously, though, thank you for your feedback on the post. There’s something quite wonderful about realising that we’ve made suffient impression on others to elicit a compliment and whilst reading anything into anything is always dangerous, when someone does say something nice, I firmly believe that there’s far more to savour than just what they actually said. If someone goes out of their way to say something nice, even if it is a comment about cheapo stick on nails from Amazon (!), it’s the clearest indication possible that we have allies in the world.
Amanda,
Let’s consider the colleagues attention to the lady with the ” IFFY ” haircut . I know from my own experience as I’m sure most of us do , when our wife/partner returns home in tears after a bad day at the hairdressers , most women have been there so the gathering of support was to help her through the minor disaster . Now consider a guy in the same situation he would not get the same support , why ? It’s easier to put a guy down , he ‘s a man so he’s tough enough to take it , secondly when women support or comment on other women it’s never considered a pass or sexually motivated , whereas a guy could get the wrong impression if he had the same treatment .
May I ask if you pass comments to other women as Amanda ? I know we have to get over the hurdle of the sound of our voice but that no longer concerns me , I get by . If I genuinely like what a woman is wearing I will tell her , we often ask or are told where they acquired the item so that gives us the opportunity to buy something similar ( that’s what fashion houses thrive on ) . I must admit I get a great kick out of putting outfits together from charity shops , the times I’ve had a comment and when I tell them where I’ve bought them they often say can I shop with you next time !
I have experienced OTT comments from online forums or my social group in the past , they do serve a pupose in helping with confidence . I now take great care with those compliments , I will never put someone down but I’m also careful not to sugar coat my comments . Now I’m out full time as a woman I see the World that way , I try and dress appropriately for the circumstances , I’m not looking for compliments because I feel not to receive then is a silent compliment . I admit now I’ve been in circumstances with a group of women when one has pointed out someone saying , ” what the hell is she wearing ??”
I find many CDers put themselves down too harshly , you have been out in the RW as Amanda , I’ve said this before but you do look very acceptable . You know the underpinnings are male but perhaps try and think of the female underpinnings instead , in fact try and forget about your gender , just go out as Amanda and enjoy the life she gives you for those moments . I know it can be difficult but I had to learn to stop looking over my shoulder for reactions , the less you look the less it happens . OK it can have it’s downside when you find glancing round you have a man in tow , it’s happened a few times to me in supermarkets .
I love reading your stories , someone on a forum commented that her life was like crossing a gender bridge , the walk on the far side was far more enjoyable , one day like me she didn’t cross back over .
Teresa, thank you for sharing your thoughts.
As for hairdresser disasters for guys, I’ve seen it first hand. A colleague came into work having had a ‘number one’ on all but the top of his head which wasn’t much longer. Apparently, the barber was foreign and colleague said that he had not understood when barber said something so just said something like ‘oh yes’ not realising that he’d just approved what was tantamount to a scalping! Absolutely no sympathy from any colleague regardless of sex! In fact the only thing that stood in the way was that we were all so helpless with laughter that getting words out was difficult!
As for giving compliments, because my outings tend to revolve around shopping and casual dining, opportunities are scant although I have complimented two SAs on the clothing their respective shops was selling and it felt far more natural than saying something similar in my normal life. In a social situation, or even if a direct opportunity presented itself while I was out and about, I think that I would be completely comfortable. I no longer worry about my voice but I would want to be careful to make it sound sincere as the risk of it being taken as something other than an unconditional & genuine compliment would be there.
You’re right about online comments being confidence builders; they certainly helped me in my early days but, a bit like stabilisers (training wheels) on a child’s bike, I eventually grew out of them, not least because accepting any compliment on a doctored photo felt fraudulent and, as I said in the post, I started to realise that many of them lacked genuine sincerity. It was also apparent that a proportion were sexually motivated, some overtly and others by reading between the lines, which was an area I didn’t want to stray into.
Finally, thank you for your kind words about my posts and presentation. There’s an aspect that is difficult to convey in the posts so perhaps isn’t obvious and that’s that when I’m out, it’s like a switch is flicked and my female side completely takes me over. Writing here, I can be more analytical about things and look at situations from both sides but when I’m out, my male side is left on ‘his’ pile of clothes, so to speak. Perhaps the most graphic example of this is my voice which will be the subject of a future post – as ‘her’, I try to raise the pitch by a few semitones and speak more softly but it’s now something that’s second nature which I do without thinking.
I shall be very careful when taking a walk near the ‘gender bridge’!+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Sorry about all of the plus signs at the end of the last comment, didn’t realise my arm was resting on the edge of my keyboard!
Amanda,
I thought you might be building your own gender bridge with all those pluses !
As you may recall I attend two art groups on Wednesdays and Fridays so most of my comments come from the ladies in the groups . I usually dress up a little more for my National Trust meetings . this week especially as I now need to sell the coach tour I’ve ogranised for the group next year , no matter what my voice sounds like I’ll have to talk to about 40 people .
Well, my first thought after reading your post Amanda is that you have a really cute profile pic.
As a fellow sister remarked to me in my first public outing as Grace – “Nobody passes.” I haven’t seen any girls like us to prove her wrong. That said, in my own outings I’m just happy to sorta blend in and go my own way. I haven’t found the value proposition of venturing out dressed all alone. Only groups so far. I figure crossdressing is an ever evolving journey of seeking one’s own level of comfort. For me, crossdressing is a fun thing – so I don’t need to put any stress on my adventures. I’m not a fan of surprises.
Like you, I started out on Flickr for about a minute. It’s gratifying and validating to get compliments. But it didn’t take long for me to realize that it was not the road for me to take. I’m just an old man who likes getting dolled up. I know that for me, there’s a competitive aspect to it. I see other girls like us out and about and think: “I can look as good as her.” It’s what men do, right? It stands to reason we covet approval from real women. After all, they’re the experts on the topic. And there is definitely the underlying feeling when they compliment you – “Yeah, I know you’re a dude, but it’s okay. You’re trying.” That’s a gratifying feeling to me.
Grace, thank you for the compliment!
Your friend’s ‘nobody passes’ comment is fundamental and needs to be drummed into every single one of us when we start out. I spent far too much time worrying about going out in case someone realised that I’m not what I appear to be (or perhaps I’m exactly what I appear to be, and not in a good way!!). The strange thing is that reassurance comes not from someone telling us that we’re fine but from the realisation that hardly anyone cares and some will go out of their way to give either a subliminal or overt indication of their approval.
The competitive element you mentioned is a real double edged sword. I found the whole thing quite demoralising at first, comparing myself unfavourably to the ‘stars’ on Flickr but as my confidence started to build, there was very much a feeling of ‘if she can do it, so can I’ and it’s that, plus the positivity I experience when I am out and about, that spurs me on.
I think a lot of us have been through that phase of chasing validation online, only to realize how empty it starts to feel. But those quick little compliments from strangers out in the world? They hit completely differently. They stay with you and feel so much more real.
I loved how you described them as quiet signs of acceptance. And your honesty about not passing, yet still finding so much meaning in those moments…
Michelle, well said! I would never claim to be a woman (my chromosomes put paid to that), to identify as a woman (I don’t and I think that ‘I’m identified as a woman’ is far more meaningful than ‘I identify as a woman) or even to assert that I understand what it means to be a woman (how could I without lived experience?) but I do sense that society appreciates women who appear to care about themselves and, in some respects, that’s most of what I have going for me as I venture into their world. Even having a door held open or seeing someone smile in my direction feels affirming – maybe they haven’t noticed and I’m just benefitting from society’s customs or maybe they have and are happy that I’ve done enough to acknowledge. Either way, it feels good.
Passing really is the thorn in our side. It’s also possibly the worst word that could have been chosen; to my mind, if I can go out, walk amongst the population at large, interact with people & get service with a smile and be treated as any woman would be treated, I’ve ‘passed’ [the test]. There is never any doubt about my provenance but if I can do enough that people, for want of better words, at worst give me the benefit of the doubt and at best go out of their way to give me a subliminal message that they approve, that’s more than I ever dreamed was possible. There are too many positives out there for the taking to spend time worrying that someone may guess our little secret!
Amanda, I can attest to the rush one feels when given a meaningful compliment in person as opposed to online. I joined Flickr early this year after ignoring it for awhile – I don’t edit my pictures in any way – and I do see the false draw of attracting likes and comments. I am using it as a means of revisiting my adventures from the past several years.
When I am out dressed, I do not often get direct compliments, as even simple acceptance can be uplifting. Yes, they know I am male underneath, but treating me as they would any other woman is just as affirming. That’s all we can really ask for, everything beyond is a bonus. Go out and be yourself, and the rest will happen.
Tina, you’re absolutely right. There are so many ways that we can be affirmed and we just need to ‘tune in’ to realise it – a door held open, a ‘ladies first’ gesture, a smile, smalltalk from a sales assistant or even just realising that we treated exactly the same as everyone else.
I used to worry that no one called me ‘ma’am’ or referred to me as ‘she’ but that’s a lot rarer in the UK than I sense that it is in the USA. But as I started noticing what was really happening with all of the little nuanced signs of acceptance, I stopped caring about the things that weren’t happening. As I said above, what I experience more or less every time I go out is beyond my wildest dreams although that of course drives frustration when circumstances conspire against the inner woman spreading her wings!
Amanda,
I am so glad I have a very limited social media presence, no flickr, no Facebook, no etc. I do get RW compliments all the time. I especially like when I am asked where did I find an item. My leopard print sherpa always gets compliments from both men and women. I think most of those are sincere.
This pass week I flew out for Thanksgiving (Thursday outside the US) and while standing in line to board the airplane, the two women behind me were talking about their nails. When they spotted mine and gushed over them. Then after retrieving my bag from the carousel a women tapped me on my back to tell me she loved my boots. I think those compliments were sincere.
I no longer seek compliments, I just seek to dress well for my sake.
Cali, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Like you, I no longer have a social media presence and can honestly say that I feel all the better for it. Of course, there were highs but there were also lows – lewd comments from people who I’d previously thought were genuinely seeking friendship and one particularly distressing situation where someone lamented that they could never look like me (all the more distressing because the photo that had prompted the comment had been doctored using FaceApp) – I wanted to help people, not demoralise them.
I love reading your stories of acceptance. There’s so much negativity in our world these days and whilst things are not perfect, your experiences together with those of others here just go to show that things are far better than some would have us believe.
Amanda,
This was a really interesting post. When I started to spread my wings I posted on Flickr and a few other sights. To be honest I never really felt comfortable in that media and thought it very one dimensional even before the various off colour comments from ‘admirers’. So I didn’t really stay too long on it although I did appreciate the efforts many other girls went to and the looks they achieved.
I think for me it was more about gaining acceptance and this is something I have found is more meaningful in real words and actions from actual people. I haven’t had any of the experiences that you and others describe where someone has been super nice but what I have experienced are interactions with bar and restaurant workers, and fellow drinker and diners where they have treated me as another member of the public.
I don’t ‘pass’ on close inspection but I have had long conversations with others, been served very politely, had my coat put on, and even been chatted up twice. Yes, I have had a couple of gaps and double takes, but as Kandi highlights most people are pleasant or are doing their job and have no reason to be hostile. I don’t know whether they are viewing me as a woman or on the transgender spectrum but I honestly feel that just being treated the same as the next customer and not being seen as an oddity is the best feeling, and makes evening out very enjoyable when I look back.
Tanja, thank you for sharing your thoughts.
When I started properly going out (i.e. to places where others would be around and interacting with people), I was almost desperate to be called ‘madam’ or referred to as ‘she’ because to me that felt like the ultimate affirmation. It never happened and still hasn’t. But I quickly realised that there were far greater rewards than that to be had – the real words and actions that you describe. In the end, affirmation as something we’re not is far harder to achieve than acceptance as something we are. I have no doubt that every single person I interactive knows exactly what I am but I’ve never encountered anything other than complete respect and sometimes quite a lot more. Even the realisation that no one was paying attention to me when I walked amongst other shoppers was a boost to my confidence.
My secret weapon these days is my smile. I make a point of smiling to every person I interact with and it seems to set the tone of what follows. I almost always get a smile back and sometimes far more, all with the underlying message that, as far as that person is concerned, it’s OK to be me.