By Cristy Garcia
What is it about crossdressing that gives some men a such state of mind that only those of us who feel compelled to do it and get to do it can fully experience?
As I have mentioned, countless times, I am convinced that I was born a crossdresser and it has to do with my brain’s wiring rather than any childhood trauma or fetish. I was not forcefully dressed as a girl or” humiliated” in that way at any point in my life, but have memories, from a very early age, about willingly trying on some of my mother’s garments and shoes, that obviously did not fit. I am the oldest of four children and the one sister is the youngest, and ten years younger than I. So, there were no big sisters in the picture either. It has always been something I have felt compelled to do and have found ways to do it throughout my life. At first there was the guilt and shame, then the thrill and excitement and, once I came to terms with it, the real peace and enjoyment.
Do I need an answer to the question with which I started this writing? Not really; all I need is self acceptance and ways to express this facet of my being.
Young CDs have it easier today since there is more awareness and even acceptance or tolerance from society. Those who are around my age and older had to go through rough times and many still do. My advice to all is to not try to find an explanation or cure but rather for self acceptance. Once you come to terms with who you are, you will be able to fully enjoy your feminine expression and presentation.
There is always the issue of keeping it in hiding, and that is perhaps the most difficult phase that most of us, older girls, have gone through. At one point or another we have had to hide it from loved ones and, in most cases, from friends, coworkers and other people around us. The fear of being rejected or disowned by loved ones is always too strong an issue to come clean with our spouse and family. I was lucky to confide my “secret” to my wife, for 30 years now, when we were only friends and know that most of our sisters still live in hiding. In my opinion, a loved one will appreciate our telling them and if they really love us they will at least tolerate it within reasonable limits. It is very important that to have clear information from trustworthy sources so that they can draw their own conclusions and realize that we are not gay or want to be women. Please do not take this as encouragement but rather as something to take into consideration.
Feeling AT EASE will only come when the guilt and shame is gone.
13 Responses
Cristy, so much what you have written mirrors my sentiments to the letter. I was an only child and I too did not have any traumatic experiences that could have steered be into crossdressing. My parents were pretty attentive and I think did a good job providing me with all the things that were necessary for a successful upbringing. I never did much with my Mom’s things, but there was some minor exploration with her clothes. Mostly it was just the desire, curiosity and my fascination with girl’s clothes and what it would be like to wear them.
Early on back in the dark ages when this subject was not frequently discussed I was always hungry as to why I had such a desire, after all none of my friends ever discussed wearing girl’s clothes. Was I the only one? One place that I did come across information on crossdressing was in the newspaper columns of Dear Abby and Ann Landers. Every time there was a question about the subject I would read the ink off the page.
The one place your experience differs greatly from mine is you told your to be wife of your “secret”. I did not. I suppose there was the guilt and shame aspect still in residence. However, mainly it was I believed that the desire to wear women’s clothes would just vaporize after I was married. By some sort of magic they did vaporize and everything was perfect… for about 6 months. Then it was… “I’m back!” In order not to make this story longer than War and Peace, spent many, many years in secret. She knows about it now and is totally disapproving and non supportive, as result I am doing it without her knowledge… again.
Maybe one day I can stumble into a solution that will permit me to indulge in one of the few things that brings joy and inner peace.
Lee
Lee, I too thought that after marriage, even with my wife knowing, it would fade away. It does not and we all know that it can only be repressed and the anxiety and bad temper that comes with it is a high price to pay. I hope that you are able to find a solution for you to reach that “at ease” state.
Cristy,
I do feel it’s important to discover what drives our need , I wanted to know what made me want to appear as the opposite gender . I also think we owe it to our close family , if we are caught out by any of them we should be able to offer an explanation . I came out to my daughter because she caught me ironing a dress which she knew didn’t belong to either my wife or her , she took it well and has always supported me since .
I fully accept we are born with the desire , wires are crossed in the womb which means our physical appearance doesn’t coincide with our brain and there’s nothing we can do about it . We must also accept it can be a mental battle , our natural male instincts are overlaid with the need to express a female side . Society does place more pressure on a boy/man to be masculine far more than a girl to be feminine , it’s why so many of us struggle with shame and guilt , I call it the male straightjacket .
Not all do want to be women , we are spread across the transgender spectrum . I consider ” crossdressing ” a verb rather than a noun it’s an action to show something inside is different from the majority of other males . I’m further down the road because I’ve accepted I do want to live as a woman , perhaps we should consider transition as simply crossing that line .
The “gay ” question is a tricky one , as we go down the transition road when does a male to male relationship become a male to female one ? I still prefer women so what does that make me ? I’ve now experienced men coming on to me as well as women , at my time of life I’m happy to have good friends I can trust rather than partners I may mistrust .
It is a wide spectrum, indeed, Teresa. this is why it is imortant to find that point in the line where you are “at ease” with your being.
Good morning Cristi,
I hope you had a nice Christmas with your family and friends and I send my best wishes for a happy, healthy New year. Thank you for the post girl. I was born in the 50″s so I can relate to all that you’ve written. I was lucky in that I was over the guilt and shame by the time I was in my early twenties. That saved me a lot of grief as well as a lot of money. I only had one purge but it was a big one. There’s several dresses and outfits I’d love to have back today 😢. I came out to my wife before we were married. I just couldn’t take my secret into our marriage. It still ended up being a struggle for both of us but she did become accepting but not supportive. We’re still working on that. I hope one day she’ll feel comfortable meeting Trish and being with me on some of my outings but if not I still feel blessed for what I have now. Take care Cristi and I’ll look forward to your next post.
Trish 💖
Trish, I too hope you had a lovely
christmas and wish you and your family a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year. Not having to hide it from the wife, even if she is not supportive, brings great relief and peace of mind. My wife used to go out with me and then she decided she was no longer ok with it and I accepted it. She rarely sees me as Cristy anymore but is the first one to check all my photos and shares her thoughts and opinion. I am in a very nice place and hope that more of us reach that point.
Hi Cristy,
Very soon after going out in public en femme for the first time, I gave up wondering why I crossdressed. I simply accepted it as being who I really am and suddenly my life changed, very much for the better. I am perfectly comfortable and content experiencing life as Fiona. I don’t care why I do it at all, I am just glad that I have been given this gift of being able to enjoy life as the real me. So I agree, at ease = words of wisdom.
Happy New Year my friend,
Fiona
And you totally look the part, Fiona! Happy New Year to you too!
Cristi,
You are very lucky to have the wife you have. And you look great in your photo.
As a person also born in the 50’s, I too knew from an early age that I was wired differently.
I am currently single, after two marrages, both ended for different non-CD related issues. I plan to let my next girlfriend know early on. It might be easier to have the “talk” since I live my life in a semi-male mode. I might look male, but I mosly wear high heels and I have longer acyclic covered fingernails with a gorgeous gel color (I get multiple random compliments daily) among other things.
We all must find that place where we feel AT EASE, where we have accepted ourselves for who we are.
Happy New Year to ALL,
Cali
In this time and age, where there is so much awareness about TG people, it will likely be easier for you to tell your next girlfriend, Cali. Happy New Year!
Been thinking for awhile about responding to Kandi’s friend’s email… there is so much that resonates with me, maybe even in some instances mirrors my circumstances. At this point I really don’t honestly know how far I would go down this road. On many levels I could be very happy living out the years left as the opposite gender. In realistic terms that is the bridge too far, I am not ready to try and reinvent the wheel, or spend my remaining years as a poor lonely old woman as someone previously mentioned. Not only my daughter would probably avoid contact as her first marriage ended in divorce as her husband decided he was gay. My son on the other hand is so much an alpha male, relations with him would be a lost cause. And we have not even spoke about the Mrs, who is very much non accepting. So any positive support from the ones who “love” me won’t be forthcoming I feel.
As far as the little lady who didn’t sign up for this, I can understand that. After all I have tried to reverse the situation and try to imagine how I would feel. To be honest, I just don’t know how I would feel. But the truth in the matter is I did not sign up for this either. Sure it was youth at work and I did not realize what those early feelings would evolve into. Told myself the lie that so many of us tell ourselves… that’s just a crazy thought and will pass after I am married. That worked out well.
So am I a crossdresser who is just happy donning women’s clothes occasionally or am I trans? Reflecting on how I reacted for every goal I set over the years… you know, like if I only just be completely dressed once to see what it was like, then I would be satisfied. Every plateau I mentally set for myself was reached, I always had a new goal to reach. After all when you reach a goal it is normal to set a new one! I probably won’t proceed very far because of all the practical reasons won’t extend beyond crossdresser, but that doesn’t mean if unencumbered I would not be a lot closer to the other end of the spectrum.
May we all find our inner peace and the New Year is a Happy one for each of you.
Inner peace…..the Holy Grail! Thanks so much for sharing Lee.
Even if you don’t reach the ultimate fulfillment of your feminine goals, you can still find a state of easement in which you derive some peace and satisfaction. I often think that if I had been born in this time and age, I might have transitioned, given that it seems so much easier today. As a matter of fact, I thought about that when I was in my late twenties and even saw gender identity specialists only to realize that was not me. I think that specialists today would lead me to transition instead of really discovering on my own, but with their lead, what I really was. I have never regretted staying a man and dressing whenever possible without letting my crossdressing lead my life. Sure there were moments of strong urges that could not be vented but we can even learn to control that and not let it stress us. These days I dress once a year and I am ok with that. I enjoy that one week at Keystone or any other conference immensely and by the end of it, I am tired and even fed up with all that it takes to produe Cristy.