This post is a rewrite of a story I spun a while back. The original story is now old news, but the point of the post remains important. I described a rather militant attitude expressed about an upcoming TG gathering. It completely underscored for me what I am all about and why change is slower than it should be.
Attitude is one of our problems, sometimes we are our own worst enemies. An “FU” attitude fosters negative impressions of us. Being “in your face” does nothing to change people’s minds about us. Being ladylike, giving, loving, being happy, that makes the right impression. I speak from rather significant personal experience.
We certainly have the same rights as everyone else. But to get where we are now and to eventually get to where we all want to be, we need to change people’s views and ideas about us. Many think of us as drag queens or caricatures. Not as the wonderful people many of us are, who simply prefer a feminine clothing style or presentation to traditional male clothing. Many of us (like yours truly) simply feel the pull to both of our genders.
Everyone that sees you is processing an impression of you. Many may be positive, but it is happening. It probably doesn’t happen when you are in male mode. When I am out, I am unique, I stand out, so that creates that mental calculation that those encountering me go through. It’s human nature. The real me would walk past someone without them probably even noticing. Kandi walks by, I am at the very least noticed. Often a head is turned or (so far) a positive comment said. There is very often some form of acknowledgement.
I use the ladies room. I do what I need to do and get out of there. I am respectful of others. I keep to myself. I’m not in there taking pictures and grandstanding. Blend in, act like you belong, but be respectful.
“Taking over the place” (in large groups of those like myself) again is not a solution. For me, going to a restaurant, acting like a lady, being treated like a lady and not being noticed by the masses is how we go about making changes. There is a frequent gathering called an “invasion”. The implications of that along with the militant attitude just leaves a negative impression, in my impression. For this reason (despite the fact that I can easily drive there) I have never been. To contrast, the annual Lake Erie Gala (also easily drivable for me) is done the right way. Getting together without sticking it in people’s faces.
We are quite often our own worst enemies. Being militant, being loud, being the center of attention only fortifies stereotypes. Think, please! It is undeniable that stereotypes exists and we must do what we can to break them down, not build them up. We owe it to those that paved the way for us and for those to come. When I make statements like this it is because I know, I am out a lot, hundreds and hundreds of times, in front of tens of thousands of people. I leave many with a very positive impression, so much so that months later I am told that they remembered me or that I was the best part of wherever I was working.
Walk a mile in my heels, see what I have seen and use your heads! Check the attitude at the door and act like a lady. Attitude feeds right into the public narrative. Kindness has served me extremely well. FU never really comes out well.
Please check out our latest photoshoot: This is Trans.
7 Responses
Great writing, Kandi.
To me, we only have one objective and that’s to be the best we can possibly be. We need to demonstrate to others that we’re worthy of being thought of as a woman, regardless of whether we exist only in cyberspace or are out and proud in the real world. And what is proved to me every time I read a post here is that striving to be the best is almost always repaid with respect, admiration and genuine affection from those we interact with. And, as always, you are a shining beacon both in how to capitalise on this strange thing that has been bestowed on us (or inflicted on us depending on your point of view) and the rewards that we can reap when we do.
Thank you my dear!!
Amanda,
What you wrote – “We need to demonstrate to others that we’re worthy of being thought of as a woman…” – is so very true. It takes a lot of commitment, effort and honest personal introspection to get oneself to that point with GG women or the general public.
Fiona
Kandi,
I know we can’t speak for everyone but I agree with you 100% . I wonder if we should consider we are reaping the benefits of those who have gone before us ,so should we continue to beat the drum or keep a lower profile and quietly gain acceptance ? It possibly raises the question of the normality of being transgender ? It could be considered that my situation living fulltime is different from those who through various circumstances have to alternate between male and female .
Perhaps if I give an example of an outing that happened today . My daughter rang to ask if I would take her , my granddaughter and her mother in law out for lunch in a garden centre . Being half term it was very busy , no one batted an eyelid , from outsiders we possibly looked like two grandmothers with a daughter and granddaughter . I ordered and paid for the food for everyone and then popped to the ladies toilets . After we took the granddaughter to a play area and chatted while she amused herself . While this is very much a normal activity for me could I be quietly beating the drum for others or be accused of ignoring the needs of them ?
I wish to live a normal life as a woman , as it’s working I don’t need to make any other statement . Perhaps some need to take care that they don’t attract the wrong attention , once you’ve gone down that road it’s far more difficult to correct it , it’s also worth considering the harm it might do to others .
Teresa,
All I can say is, for me, I don’t feed into the stereotypes. So when people meet me, the are genuinely pleased to get to know me as someone who is kind and thoughtful and all the other stuff just drifts from their minds. Thanks for always providing a necessary full-time perspective!
Kandi
Those of us who are on this gender variant ride and get out know being loud and out usually just brings trouble
I don’t want to make a scene when I’m out I just want to be me, a girl out an about doing what any cis gendered women would be doing
Shopping, grocery shopping or just taking a walk in the park.
I want to educate those as well if they ask and I’m happy to do so, I’m not out to replace cis women I’m just out being me, it’s really that simple
So yes go out with a smile and act like you belong out there because you do
Wise advice!