2014, Kandi as you know her, as you see her here, was born. It’s now 11 years later and while she is a living, breathing, real person, she is also suffocating. While she lights me up when she is fully realized, she wears me down. While she has allowed me to do and see things previously unimaginable, she never leaves me clearheaded. Much like I had self-destructive vices because she was buried in there, unable to see the light of day, her being has taken away from me another part of my life that I cherish, my male side. Being grandpa. Being a husband. Being more involved with friends in things I used to do (male things) more frequently. I am still these things in reality, but I am not these things in my own head.
There are days I wish I could snap my fingers and be female all the time. All the trappings of femininity are so appealing to me. A comfortable bra and panties that do what they are designed to do, support my actual breasts (without enhancement). The look of a beautiful cleavage (usually with enhancement). I was never attracted specifically to a woman’s breast size, I was always attracted to how one presents her girls, how she “packages” them. I have talked about when I was younger, I would specifically choose a seat, in church for example, to be able to look and envy the girl in front of me for the bra she was wearing. For how it looked under a blouse. For the fact that it was noticeable. I have been on a recent lingerie purchasing bender of sorts. I love being a part of the sorority, talking openly about fit or about a cute pattern or color. Asking about a bra style and how it would help me. Talking openly about choosing matching panties, feeling cute. Being treated like a girl when on occasion, I am making a purchase as myself. Being asked if I am purchasing a gift and immediately responding the purchase is mine. Every purchase, experience is an escape into a different realm for me. It’s almost like slipping into an alternate reality. It is addicting, affirming, glorious, expensive, amazing, delightful and renders me terribly guilty when trying to find room for yet another bra when I get home. Walking through the mall with that pink bag, delicately holding it knowing I am making a statement, even if no one is paying me any attention.
Then I wish I could snap my fingers and Kandi would not exist. That I could dig deeper into the competitive things I enjoy and could be much better at if I took the girl time I spend and channel that into boy time. Work out better, harder. Train. The aspects of being a part of the running community or the pickleball community, competing and binding with each other. People ask me why I don’t run anymore and the simple answer, it takes a lot of time. Time I now spending swishing around in a too young for me dress or heading again to the mall to have that escape.
I worry day and night about making a living (remember, I simply cannot get a “job”), always also trying to shape my calendar to create a Kandi day while still making sure I do things for the angel known as my wife. I make sure every meal is quality and ready for her, whether or not I am joining her for that meal. I make sure our yard looks good. I engage in home improvement projects, required in any house that is about 30 years old. You all probably do the same types of things. Yet, I cannot shake, even for an hour, thinking about anything female I can do. I am sitting here in all my glory with the cutest lingerie on, under my sweats and hoodie. Only me knowing I am wearing them. Feeling both absolutely “right” and never shaking the “what is wrong with me” thought.
I have said this frequently, no one actively choses a more complicated life to a simpler life. Being gay make life more complicated. Being bigendered makes life more complicated. There are many more examples. Yes, I know we are who we are. Yes, I have accepted who and what I am. Yes, I am in seventh heaven when I am out as Kandi. But the effort to present myself in a fashion that I wish is work. And I see all the flaws. I am both a victim of these feelings and a benefactor of such a gift. I am torn and it never, ever leaves me. I drink because I feel guilty. I drink because it makes everything smoother in my head, until I feel like dog crap in the morning, every morning. I am human, I am flawed, I am complex, and I am over analytical. I am no different than anyone else and I am completely different than everyone else. One day I will understand myself, but that day remains off in the distance.
Why do I tell you these things? So you know (you could simply be one person, struggling with these types of feelings) that you are not alone, you are feeling things many of us do. You are a valuable human being! I say all of this, and I never take my own advice… The struggle continues.
Thank you for this platform. It’s cheaper than therapy!
12 Responses
Kandi,
As you say, we all struggle. Different things to different people; and similar things for many of us.
What I find especially true for our community is the understanding and support we give each other.
As everyone here now knows I have a struggle that I will live with for the remainder of my life. It is mild compared to a lot of people’s struggles. And I experience the support, friendship and love I receive from many people in the Kandi’s Land community.
You are the person who made that possible. Thank you.
Make sure you experience the support, friendship and love that surrounds you.
Love you,
Jocelyn
😘
Kandi,
There was a point where I knew I had to resolve many of the questions you pose , I realised trying to be both was impossible , the big question was which part of me stays and which part goes ?
Before I could answer it I had to get professional help , I had to find that space and discuss how I felt with someone impartial . In some respects the decision was forced on me because I almost ended my life in a moment of despair , I had to openly seek help . I guess it was the point when it wasn’t just crossdressing something more was driving it , TRANSGENDER can be a big word when you have to accept it . Hard enough for me to accept and even harder for family , the pretence was over I had to accept what my brain was telling me .
So the basic question is what drives Kandi ? You’re faced with a tough decision , so many love and adore Kandi , she give you comfort and pleasure and brings happiness to so many people but very little to your family . I’m sure you realise if you had total freedom and full acceptance you could do most things as Kandi which you suggest only the male side can do , I’ve proved that to myself , being female doesn’t mean you are incapable and certainly not without friends .
You suggest you drink too much to soften the changeover but how much would you drink if you lost Kandi completely ?
If I admit the truth losing Teresa now could mean I would cease to exist , returning to male doesn’t bear thinking about .
My struggles are from the opposite side of you, Kandi. As you know, I have very limited opportunities to get out – I haven’t even dressed since my time in April. I was okay for a couple of months as I was looking for a new job. Since the start of September, I have wished every day for a sign or the hope of a time where Tina could appear. Nothing is on the horizon, all the way through the winter. My usual January time is not happening this year, as I will be traveling to St. Louis for a major national event with my wife.
I have been talking with a professional, but I haven’t emphasized my increasing discomfort at not being able to express my feminine side. While I know it’s not realistic, I do sometimes wish that Tina did not exist, and sometimes I wish that I was able to choose every day which side of me would be visible. I would not choose Tina every day, as I don’t have a high level of dysphoria.
The bottom line for me and my reality is that I am trapped in my own cocoon, only able to briefly show my female self to the world. The thoughts of coming out fully are fleeting, replaced by the weight of family responsibilities. The love and support I have found here and elsewhere keeps me going.
Dearest Kandi,
The thoughts and feelings you share resonated loudly and brought me back to my late twenties, when I was living in your neighborhood, while getting my masters degree. I think I have shared some of that with you, but I was so mesmerized by the sensations of being Cristy, out and about and basically being a girl whenever possible, that transitioning became very appealing to me. I have never regretted the choice I made; not only because I would not change what I have today, as a family man, for anything in the universe, but also because that would have been a terrible mistake. This is why I oppose those politicians and school boards that make it easy for, and even recruit, confused children to transition. If, s a well educated and mature person, I was confused, imagine a young boy or girl who is practically “convinced” by a malicious or deviant teacher that his or her gender is not the right one. But I digress.
Back to the topic at hand, I have no doubt we are born as men who enjoy adopting a female persona, without wanting to be a woman full time, although sometimes we might come to that conclusion. I am sure we all have gone through thoughts and feelings like those you are describing, and leading a “normal” life becomes more complicated than other non-CD men. Like you, I have always thought about what I would have been able to accomplish if I used the time I dedicate to Cristy or daydream about dressing up, for family time, growing more as a professional or engage in other activities that we can share with everyone in our lives. I talk about back in those days in Columbus, because I had the freedom to be Cristy as I pleased and do things that I cannot do here in Guatemala. In other words, I was, more or less, where you are now, in terms of the flexibility to do unimaginable things. This can be alluring and, given that it also serves as an escape from reality, we find ourselves thinking about spending more time in the feminine role that so much peace and satisfaction brings to us. It is not easy, but that is how we were created and we must learn to cope, with this dichotomy, the best we can. You seem to have your wife’s blessing and I know that you make up for her acceptance in every possible way. Nothing is permanent and as we find other rewarding activities, at the personal level, we are more able to manage and put the cravings at bay. IN my case, online activity helps, as do my hobbies. Also, as time has passed, I have become too lazy to go through the process of transformation on a frequent basis. As you know, my Cristy time is now limited to that one week I spend in the US (Keystone Conference, now) and by the end of the week, I am basically fed up with makeup and heels. Having said that, after a couple of weeks, I could do it all over again but have learned to be patient and let my other activities take over and occupy my “me” time.
Thank you for sharing your sentiments; sentiments that only us, in our community, can understand. I am sure you will find the right balance and will no longer be bothered by the situation. In any case, you know how to find me and I will always be here for you. You are a strong, caring and amazing person, who is capable of so many unimaginable things, as exemplified by this forum that has helped so many of us deal with our duality.
Love you, my dearest friend and sister/brother
I just wanted to comment to say that “politicians and school boards are NOT recruiting confused children to transition.” I am sure politics is a no-no on Kandi’s site so I will leave it at that.
-Christina
Politics is a no-no.
But I know Cristy very personally in real life and she has as big of a heart as anyone I have ever met.
She lives in Guatemala, so I am not sure what she sees and doesn’t see, hears and what she doesn’t hear.
Love you both!
Kandi, we seem to have started at the same time. I too made my debut in 2014 and since then pretty much my entire social life is now spinning around the immense gravitational field of my female side. Half of my friends and acquaintances have never seen the male version and some don’t even know that one exists, assuming (I assume) that I am fully transgender. Although I have fewer people to worry about (my wife died two years ago after a brief but intense cancer battle) I still sometimes wonder if I’m negatively affecting my outcome. By that I mean things like not ever contemplating being in a relationship again because I don’t want to go through the minefield of finding someone open to my half and half life on a long-term basis (there are plenty of women who find the concept sexy but most would not countenance anything beyond a fling.) And yet…ultimately I think that I eventually would like a permanent relationship. Maybe one day I will “age out” of this whole thing and settle into a life of XY and not heck why. In the meantime, it’s a question of having made this bed so I’m going to sleep in it. I believe one of the tragic human flaws is that we too often think there is an overwhelming “best” outcome when sadly what we truly have to do is pick the least worst.
So sorry for the loss of your wife
I too lost mine but unfortunately it was via a divorce
I too have hoped for a new relationship but like you being bi- gendered how do you open that door.
I did try that with a lady I dated but as I kinda thought would happen she decided my girly side just would not work for her
It’s so difficult but yet I long to have someone. It’s so lonely
Kandi it’s impossible for us to really understand the whys of this part of ourselves, I’ve tried like you and many others and no doubt my life would be so much easier if Racheal didn’t exist. But who knows it would probably just be something else.
Maybe not as extreme but this is what we deal with
Those feminine feelings you describe are pretty spot on when I’m out enfem.
I feel like so much more of myself but then I ask myself why then was I born male
I know God does not make mistakes He just makes us and then we just live our lives as best we can dealing with the cards we have been dealt
It’s not easy being trans without a doubt but we all do our best
Hugs to you and love to all the ladies out there
Kandi, thank you for sharing the down side of who we are. It’s not always sunshine and unicorns. We all have difficulties we need to overcome. I would also thank Jocelyn, Teresa, Tina, Ana, Angela, and Rachel for sharing their experiences as well. For those of us who are bi gendered or gender fluid, it is a challenge to balance both our feminine and masculine side.
Like Tina, I only get to dress a few time a year. My wife has never accepted my feminine presentation, so my issue is more time presenting as Julie. However, I still need to balance my time on trips between expressing my feminine side and bring in the outdoors hiking.
Expressing my feminine side gives me such joy, but it has also causes problems on my relationship with my wife. It is not the only problem in our relationship, but it is a factor. We have had major problems with our relationship for most of our marriage. I do not expect her to accept my feminine side, and if we had a loving relationship perhaps she would be more tolerant. We do share our love for our children and grandchildren, and that has brought us together. I will always keep hope alive.
My desire has at times become overwhelming, and sometimes I question why this has become so important to who I am. I don’t think I could ever live without my female side and I would not want too. I am still evolving as a person, and I feel I am a more unique individual expressing my more complex gender identity.
I am for the most part happy with who I am. The challenges in my life will always be there and they may change over time. I cherish this small community of girls, thank you for your love and support.
Love Julie
Kandi,
I’ve know since early childhood that the Cali half existed, and only let her out. But as I aged and due to a severe injury with many weeks in hospital bed, Cali started to emerge. 20 years later I mostly Cali in male mode. After years of leg issues and 10 surgeries, I discovered the problem was men’s shoes and switched women’s shoes. My feet are women’s shaped. Only one foot issue since the switch. Cali’s look is more my “male look” today: long (> 1 cm) acrylic/gel fingernails and painted toenails, 4 inch heels, hairless legs, waxed brows, colorful clothes, sherpa, etc. 80% of my walk-in closet is women’s. I have more things I would like such as a hairless face and earrings. If I can’t be Cali with hair and makeup all the time, at least I can be Cali without hair and without most makeup the rest of the time.
Having exquisite nails helps center me. Just sitting here typing, I can look down and see feminine hands with cat’s-eye nails and tiny rings before me and that’s comforting.
BTW. I’m 70+, twice divorce, neither had to do with this side of me. I’m looking for a female partner, but as others have said, it’s hard.