Broken Record

More thoughts and reflections.

Welcome back to Kandi’s therapy couch. We’ve talked about how hard all of this can be (along with years of documenting how joyful it can be as well), how revealing yourself to lifelong friends can go and how out of balance I have gotten. Now allow me to take you into my head. I warn you, you must wear protective gear, it’s dangerous in there!

I have been in a terrible mental funk for quite some time now. I am not even sure why. This has resulted in an overall laziness and way too many cocktails to count. This past Sunday, as of the day this was written, was a very hot and humid day. I played pickleball for over two hours and then spent another two plus hours on a combination of landscaping and mowing our lawn. While I hydrated a bit, I generally don’t drink enough water. I have always done this in an attempt to be a camel in a race (stopping to drink slows one down and must come out the other side, one way or the other, another impediment) as well as trying desperately to drop a few lbs. I got cleaned up and killed off about three one-quart mason jars of whiskey lemonade, emphasis on the whiskey part. I grilled a wonderful dinner for my wife and I, cleaned it all up and then basically passed out (not like I fainted, I did so in a controlled fashion). That may have been the impetus to make changes. Plus, I am getting tired of feeling like dirt every single morning.

I am by no means trying to be 100% sober, but I am (as of the day this was written) three days dry (yeah, BFD, I know). I have also run twice for the first time in forever, three miles per. No stopping. Decent pace. Having recently walked a 5K was embarrassing, more like pathetic. I have also, finally, gotten back into a twice weekly workout routine, focused on stretching and rehabbing my shoulder. Again, not something I had done for months. I had stopped playing pickleball for a few months and got back to that as well. Physical activity fills the void that Kandi hoovers up and takes me to places I don’t want to or need to go. Also, my recent spate of MRIs, done to determine if I had any cancer issues, have both come up clean.

On top of all of that, I have removed my head from my posterior and finally gotten to work on creating a flexible and advantageous revenue generating system. I have been wallowing in self-pity most of this year. No more. While I am aging (as the cliche goes, better than the alternative), I will never be any healthier in a day, week, month or year than I am at this very moment. I must take advantage of what I have right now.

My hope is to take back control of my life, intertwine Kandi into all of that instead of her dominating my life (she clearly has of late), get back to my necessary balance (my balance is different than your balance). I shut down some things I was contemplating but could not live with myself had I done. Time to get my fat ass back into shape and then to take advantage of that shape (certainly helps when dressed too).

I am speaking this out into the ether; it certainly is unlikely to happen but here goes: Boston 2027! One should have a goal to shoot for to make all of this real.

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5 Responses

  1. Kandi,
    Thank you for sharing. A mental dump, from time to time, is very healthy.

    It sounds like you have now found a good balance in your life, and a positive goal helps focus everything.

    Lots of love and hugs going out to you.

    Jocelyn

    1. Jocelyn, Having found anything is not the case, it is an ongoing process. Knowing where I need to go is the victory here. The support of friends like you is so valuable, thank you!

  2. Kandi, I have the opposite issue with the same effect – not being able to get out since late April and starting a new job this month have left me in sorry shape. I really want to lose the expanding gut! But finding the time in my schedule is honestly difficult. I did walk a 5K as part of a fundraiser, it wasn’t horrible but it took longer than I expected.

    We will get through these downtimes each in our own way, so that the ups are more enjoyable. I support your goal of Boston 2027 and pledge to meet with you if you qualify. Good luck! ☘️

  3. Kandi,
    The important thing is you know what is wrong with your life and you accept the ways to improve it . I still believe Kandi is an important part of your life , she gives you purpose , the need and drive to keep yourself in good health , without her what would the male version really become ?

    You care for your wife because she supports you through your highs and lows , she really is a gem ! Now you have a grandchild to look forward to , I hope you find Kandi also has a place in all that , it can happen as I’ve proved .

    As you comment your life isn’t like ours but many of us have been through **** , I count myself lucky I scraped through my darkest moments , OK 74 is far from young but I know I still have a good life left to enjoy if I take reasonable care of myself .

    You are now part of many people’s lives , OK more as Kandi so she is worth a great deal to save and enjoy , she gives a an unmissable part of your life and many others , I’m so proud to call you a friend .

  4. I think as we age we all reflect on things we want to do better, either being more healthy or trying to exercise again.
    I’ve been trying to change my diet a bit, a few more protein drinks instead of the processed meals.
    Exercising isn’t as frequent but I get it in when I can.
    Life is just hard especially I feel as a single person.
    Thanks for sharing here, because we can all be better and we can do this together even across the miles

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