At 59, I embarked on a journey that many might assume was far behind me: the journey of self-discovery. My wife and I had been married for 34 years, and though our relationship was built on love and mutual respect, something inside me had always remained dormant—something I couldn’t yet name.
That changed during a Halloween party in 2019 when I dressed as a woman for the first time in decades, with the help and encouragement of my wife. In that moment, something stirred deep within me, jolting memories I had long buried.
I recalled being an early teen in the 1970s, sneaking into my mother’s closet when the house was empty. I would put on her clothes, and a thrilling sense of freedom and rightness would wash over me. But back then, in a world without internet or supportive communities, all I felt was confusion.
Coming from a religious household, I believed these feelings made me a freak. So, I did what I thought was the only option—I buried them.
For 45 years, those feelings lay dormant until they were unexpectedly awakened by that fateful Halloween night. It was then that I realized who had been lying beneath the surface all along: Gwen.
She had been waiting for the right time to bloom, and now, I could no longer suppress her. Over the past five years, I’ve been slowly inching forward, taking tentative steps toward embracing my true self. It wasn’t easy.
Family harmony has always been my priority. My wife and I have two wonderful children, and I’ve been blessed with their love and support, even though the appearance of Gwen hasn’t been without its challenges. We navigated the discomfort together, and I am forever grateful for their patience and acceptance.
At one point, I questioned whether this was the right path. A year ago, I tried testosterone as a last-ditch effort to meet the expectations of being the husband I thought my wife wanted—the man I had been for decades.
After 34 years of marriage, she’s told me many times she wants me to be happy. But I felt an obligation to be absolutely sure that transitioning to Gwen was what I truly needed. I didn’t want to leave any stone unturned. I wanted to be confident that I had explored every possibility to maintain the harmony of our family.
After a year of trying to suppress Gwen, I now know that I can no longer live in half measures. I’ve done all I can as my male self. It’s time for Gwen to fully embrace the light.
Life feels vibrant and colorful when I embrace her; everything else feels like a black-and-white shadow of the life I could be living. I have a chance not only to live authentically but also to inspire others—to challenge preconceptions about what it means to live a true and honest life, regardless of age.
In a few days, I will have my first consultation for hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I’m excited. It feels like stepping into technicolor after living in monochrome for so long. I’m finally ready for my close-up, fully prepared to let Gwen flourish and bloom, just as she was always meant to.
This journey has been slow and careful, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I needed to ensure that every step was taken with thoughtfulness, not just for myself but for the people I love most—my wife and children.
Now, as I stand on the threshold of a new chapter, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for their support, and an even greater sense of hope for what lies ahead.
Yours truly,
Dr. Gwen Patrone
7 Responses
HI Gwen:
I can certainly relate to this one! For me the revelation came even later in life, just about three years ago at this time of the year. With my wife’s support I my feminine identity has flourished. A 24/7 identity or transition is not in the cards for me, but my Kris persona influences and informs me always and I am the better, more well adjusted person for it.
Best,
Kris
Gwen, thank you for sharing.. Such life stories are sources of encouragement to those of us on the same journey of discovery, but who are further behind.
Thank you Gwen for sharing . Now in my 72nd year I can look back on my life and can only wish that I could have read such a post as yours long ago.
I had a wife who accepted Faye and wanted me to be happy, god bless her!
Regards
Faye
Gwen,
I hope your next step with HRT goes well , I’m sure you’ve thought it through and made the decision without external pressures . I found this one of the problems with attending social meetings one or two would exert pressure to experiment with hormones . I had to stand back and make my own decision becuase I was receiving mixed messages , I understood many of the advantages but felt uneasy about the disadvantages . On the plus side I MIGHT have grown more breast tissue , reduced my hair growth and developed softer skin but the big negative was the possibility I might be attracted to men . Over the years I have like many others struggled with the mental side of being transgender , my consistant sexual needs has steadied the boat , for many reasons I had no interest in a male relationship , I really couldn’t risk totally destabilising myself mentally .
At first the fact I turned my back on hormones made me feel like a fraud compared with others I knew but now after six+ years of living full time as Teresa I know it was the right decision for me , hormones or surgery wouldn’t change my everyday life , I’m totally happy with the balance I’ve achieved .
I believe Rachel has been down this road and realised it wasn’t for her , at the time I applauded her bravery for admiiting the truth . We were both members of another forum where the TS section was treated like an elite club , I can see now how much BS was talked to pressurise people into something they may have later regretted . When I consider friends who are on HRT or had surgery their lives are no better than mine , they are no happier in fact my life is more complete than many of theirs .
Hormones may resolve dysphoria in some people , I personally found living full time resolved almost all my dysphoria problems because I was finally living the life because I was being true to myself . One aspect hormones or surgery can never resolve is the one of acceptance , you will never convince those people who refuse to understand GD .
Gwen,
How unique the journey is for each of us. Some realize early, some realize late. Some have the support of a long-suffering spouse, while others are kicked to the curb by fear and loathing. Some fight internalized transphobia more than external transphobia. And most of us are along spectrums for all these issues—just different points. The most important thing, along the way, is to continue to feel joy in living, in being the wonderful human being you are.
I find it fascinating that you awoke to Gwen by dressing up for Halloween. After a purge when my now 36 year old daughter was born, I suppressed myself for a full five years. When the pressure got too much to bear, I spent the next 25 years secretly exploring myself before finally talking with a therapist. She told me I was a good candidate for hormones, but it was up to me. I thought about it hard for a full year. I have been on them for 3 years now and couldn’t be happier with the decision, even though I can’t be full-time. I now love looking at myself in the mirror, makeup or not. And, no, Teresa I was never worried that hormones would change my sexual orientation, and they definitely have not. But my experience is not yours, and that is OK. I have transitioned hormonally and socially, but have a bi-gendered existence because my wife doesn’t want to know Lisa. She has the fear without the loathing, I suppose. In any case, I have done it my way.
Go forth in joy, Gwen, with all of our support, as you do it your way!
Lisa
Good luck on this next phase of your transgender life Gwen. It’s a wonderful feeling to finally live your life as the real you. Enjoy!
Gwen,
I am happy for you and your decision to start with hormones. I hope it all goes well for you. Please keep us informed on how things are going for you. As Kandi and others have said, this is a decision whether to take hormones is a very personal, unique for each of us.
I thought about hormones for a long time. I would love to have larger breasts, less body hair, softer skin. I would love to have that long hair from my late teens into my mid-20’s back. But I have very unique body chemistry, diabetes, and had significant surgeries to want to complicate my life any further. So, I decided against hormones.
Luckly for me, I have been able to achieve much without hormones. I have nice, polished nails 365+ days a year (I love them). My legs are almost hairless. My brows are trimmed, shaped, and waxed regularly. I wear 4 inch heels to reduce hip pain. I have a complete female wardrobe. And I wear some eye makeup regularly.
Next for Cali is laser hair removal on my face and pierced earrings.
The only thing I can’t do without hormones is grow my own breasts. Darn!
Good luck Gwen, we’re all rooting for you.
Cali