A stream of consciousness post…
This may be more of a rhetorical question, but why is it that we (insert your definition of who “we” is in this context) feel compelled to post (wherever, Facebook, CD forums, etc.) such specific details of what we, when dressed, are wearing? And I do mean great detail.
I post. I blabber. I say a few things that may mean something to someone. I may bore you to tears. You may well ignore or dislike me. I have experiences. I go out. I meet people. I am one thing or the other, but always me. One thing I think (🤞) I don’t do, is give that graphic detail on any outfit I am wearing. Let the picture, let the outfit speak for itself. You really don’t need to know what color bra I am wearing. Do my panties match? What brand and color pantyhose (in the fall and winter) am I wearing? I do revel in those details, but that is my business. I am a put together kinda girl!
Is there anything wrong with all of this? No. But if you really want that feminine experience, if you really want to feel like a woman, act like one. Celebrate your femininity. Revel in it. But BE IT. Own it. Being fab is more fab than saying you are fab.
Yes, I spend far too much time here, blogging, online, posting, it bothers me that I do this as much as I do. (This actual post is the result of at least two bottles of wine.) I started doing so to maintain connections with others. But it has become overwhelming (not the blog itself, the entire online/social media presence). Frankly, writing like this fills me with satisfaction like nothing else I do in any capacity.
I try to post supportive comments, like posts, ❤️, but it never stops. Literally. Then I feel like a shitty friend because I can’t keep up. Then I wonder who is that person and why are we even “friends”. Someone recently emailed me and I had zero clue who she was (I had spent time with her a few times and did have photos together, but in my defense when you know someone only by a first name it’s hard to make that connection). We went back and forth. I stayed generic in conversation, not knowing where and how I knew her, hoping for a fucking clue. Then she finally (privately) shared a photo and then I had that, oh yeah! moment. We ended up getting together for an evening. Great time, great gal. Yes, she is a real world friend, but it had been some time and I am, shall we say, chronologically challenged.
I have 2,200+ Facebook friends. I have 1,200+ Flickr followers (while continuing to block multiple thousands of penis-loving, penis-posting potential followers). I am sure these numbers are minimal to many. Once you eliminate the penis Flickr folks, you then get very few likes. Why do the low numbers of ⭐mean a damn thing? For the very significant majority of these people I have no idea who they are, why I even “know” them. I recently whittled down my Facebook page but just could not cut the cord. What is wrong with me? Why do I need a 👍, who cares about a 🤗, does a ❤️ or a 😊 really mean anything? From a handful, they do indeed have meaning. But from the significant majority, it’s all smoke and mirrors. Social media bullshit. The deterioration of the foundation of a civil society (am I wrong?). This is the wedge that has divided the country. Value, yes. But the side-effects…. As many truly wonderful sisters that reach out I (and I am sure you) get five times as many frauds, seeking to either simply fuck with you or worse yet, try to scam you or degrade you.
This connectedness is overwhelming. I love and adore the community we have built here. There are so many sisters I actually know in reality, that I adore, that I have shared time with. There are others (most here) that there is zero possibility I will ever meet, yet I love deeply (you all know who you are). I have had many make the trek to visit and each and every experience are treasured memories. But I also have family, friends, other interests, obligations, activities, wishes, desires, urges, needs, I want to be your friend, I want to help you, I want to help you be yourself, I want to facilitate that experience, I want, I give, I need, but I am never, ever at peace. My mind spins, what is my day tomorrow, what do I need to do, who is looking for something, who do I owe an answer to, blah, blah, blah…
By the way, I absolutely love every day that I am not posting here. I don’t mean it like it sounds. I get so much more satisfaction from someone else taking the wheel, getting great feedback and then being able to respond. The blog is then on autopilot and the light is shining elsewhere and the community is engaged.
I am so tremendously blessed and cursed, so very lucky and unlucky, I have seen and done some amazing things, some awful things, yet I sit here never finding peace. Never experiencing that Zen, calm. Be better than me. Find your happy place. I hope this place is just a small piece of a real world happy place for you.
Love you all!
15 Responses
Kandi,
Dear friend, remember me?, lol.
As you know, I don’t have online accounts anywhere except Kandi’s Land. I do have an email address for about seven CD/TG friends. Those two things keep me busy enough.
Because I am an older lady I never got into the social media rabbit hole. I am also a private person and not wanting to share much about myself, except to the seven dear friends I have.
Each of us has a comfort level for “being out there”. I can see the desire to be well known, and at the same time to be private. I don’t know how to reconcile the two.
I am happy to be a very simple person. Not being very bright has its advantages.
ALTHOUGH, another aspect of my life keeps me very public. Helping others who really need help, is a great source of pride for me,
Choose the life you want to live.
All my love to you.
Jocelyn
How could I forget (except that I forget a lot…..)? ❤️
Kandi,
Talking about our outfits and colourful underwear is almost a rite of passage , it’s what the majority go through to validate their needs and feelings , to say most of us are guilty of that is possibly wrong because we’re talking about guys who given the opportunity like the multitude of feelings associated with those items . I personally still miss the days when I could walk into a store and have the choice of so many colours in the Charnos range , I adored matching underwear and enjoyed telling people how it made me feel . Most of us move on , we gained our validation so now we need to consider what is more practical from a woman’s perspective , comfort often replaces the look but saying that we still need to take care of the right coloured underwear beneath our outerwear .
As for social media , I choose not to participate , I prefer real friends , ones I can interact with face to face and hopefully remember the name and the face when we meet up again . I agree I’m not convinced it makes the World a better place , , in some respect we’ve lost the ability to personally communicate , online isn’t the same , there are too many fakes and frauds .
I admit somedays I feel my contribution here is of little value , do I bore people with my fulltime stories but as I discovered on another forum if I help one person to find their way then my time isn’t wasted .
Kandi sometimes I feel you overthink yourself , you obviously enjoy what you do otherwise you wouldn’t do it , as Kandi you bring so much pleasure to other people’s lives , if it’s what makes you tick why question it ? I know it can be hard and often tiring but what would do as an alternative ? You would miss it all in the blink of an eye .
Cursed or blessed not an easy question to answer for a transgender person , for many years I certainly felt cursed now I feel more blessed . Some say we make luck happen , one answer to that is , ” Only if we live to tell the tale !” Luck is just an aspect humans relate to , our nature often pushes us till the odds stack up against us .
Thank you Teresa for sharing! Since I do have this forum and since I do use it as if it were my journal, I write a lot. I do also like to write quite a bit. So while I may overthink things, I also get them off my mind and hey, we post 7 days a week here! Content is king.
Good Morning Kandi,
This is another excellent essay/post/presentation of human and human scale (by which I mean that they are meaningful to individual humans, each of us, in a personal and significant way) thoughts.
Do not doubt the very positive emotional and intellectual impact you and your writing have on your readers! We all enjoy and benefit from your writing. There are many co-existing realities in this world, many aspects to life, all of which are ‘real’ and have value. Your online world exists in a reality that is specific to the technological and social character of 2024. If this was 1966 right now, you would likely be sending articles to Girl Talk magazine (see Hannah McKnight of yesterday for this reference!).
I very much understand your frustration with the un-reality of online ‘friends’ (such as me, I am afraid) but I would simply offer that my feelings about you, achieved through this online world, are real, they are very much the same as what I feel for in-person friends, and they cause me to feel a connection to you.
And by the way, at least based upon what I know about you I do not think you have done any ‘awful’ things, at least not that anywhere compare to the awful things that go on every day around the world in the many social, economic, and political realms.
You are a good person doing admirable and good things with a big heart and an energetic spirit driving you. Am I wrong? (!)
Keep on rolling. Onward for all of us!!
Best to you,
Marissa in Ohio
Marissa, let me correct one of your statements, you are exactly the type of online friend I cherish. When I unburden myself like this, you generally give me wonderful affirmation and for that, I am thankful, my friend!
Kandi we are all complicated in our own way but as trans girls we are unique.
Having this blog to read wether it’s you or some other girl I enjoy it here and am grateful for you putting it together
We all self reflect but in the end we just need to sit back love one another and enjoy the time God has given us
Our world is going crazy but this place is a great way to forget what’s going on outside my door
Rach, I do know this place has meaning and value, that’s for sure! It’s all the other stuff, the Facebook, etc. that I question. Good? In some ways. Not so good? IN many, many other ways. Love ya!
Kandi,
I have a semi-public life and one of the additional hats I have worn is an author. But I am very private. No Facebook, no Flicker, no mainstream social media, ever. I have presence on two niche sites other than Kandi’s Land and occasional comment on two additional sites. But that’s it. And I find that that takes up almost too much of my time already. It is too easy to fall down the rabbit hole and get lost.
Describing in detail, brand and style of an item, is important on some niche sites, however, describing in great detail a complete outfit is a sign of an emerging cd/trans individual. (I know, I went through that stage.) What color underwear a person has on is not that important, at least to me. Unless you have white pants on, then white panties shouldn’t be worn. BTW my ‘tighty whites’ are VS Lacey white thongs. Is that TMI? I think so.
Kandi statement “but if you really want that feminine experience, if you really want to feel like a woman, act like one.“ So true. Unless you are coming from another event, you don’t need to dress to the nines just to go grocery shopping. Ciswomen don’t, why should you?
Kandi, I hope you find peace in your life soon. You run yourself into the ground too often.
Cali
You are a dear, Cali! This is my therapy, how I let off steam.
Kandi,
You’re right about the social media thing being a pain sometimes. It does get tiresome to put up with and/or block the weirdos, penis flashers, hucksters and oddballs. But I consider separating the wheat from the chaff worthwhile because you do end up establishing some meaningful relationships with other ladies online, which sometimes result in real friendships.
Fiona
Well put and the reason why I do so myself!
Fiona,
You make a good point about the value of online contacts , I was a member of an online forum , ( now banned , I wonder why ??) the one thing I do miss is discussing the situation with people from all corners of the Globe . We share the same problems with people in Australia , South Africa , Europe and obviously the Americas , not only the USA and not forgetting our Canadian friends . It proves our various societies aren’t so different when the transgender issue arises , we mustn’t forget some coutries still treat it as a crime ( or sin ) which can lead to severe punishment or worse .
We really are lucky to have Kandi and all she stands for in our community .
Even though I don’t show it enough, I’m sure thankful to have friends like you Kandi. I could not agree with you more on this post and also all the insights from these other wonderful ladies who contribute here. I’ve been on and off Flickr several times in the past couple years but seem to get tired of it pretty quick whenever I started posting there again. Was on a couple other sites also and made some “friends”. After exchanging messages back and forth for a few weeks one of these “friends” let me know she was in deep financial trouble and started begging me for money, promising to pay me back double when she was back on her feet. Of course I didn’t believe this and told her so. But eventually I gave in and sent her $200, realizing of course that the odds of getting paid back were extremely unlikely. And of course a few weeks later she started to email me again begging me to help her out some more and when I refused she threatened to kill herself and tried to blackmail and guilt trip me into giving her money, telling me she had nowhere to turn and was going to off herself and it was all my fault. At that point I actually didn’t care, I was so pissed that someone would try those kind emotional blackmail tactics after I’d already helped them out with no expectation of being paid back. And I still get occasional messages from this person begging me to help her out and threatening to end her own life but I just ignore it now. Funny thing is I’ve gotten similar messages from other online friends since then and when people start begging for money, it’s now friendship over for me at that point. They were never real friends anyway, no matter how many nice and flattering things they’ve said about me. For this reason I don’t try to be online friends with anyone anymore, or participate in social media.
But I am very glad and cannot be thankful enough for the true friends I have found through some of these sites, and I greatly cherish those friendships. Kandi and Amanda as well as others being classic examples and I’m very grateful to have become acquainted with them. And they are people I wouldn’t hesitate for a instant to help out in whatever way possible if I could. I’m always so impressed with the people who contribute here, the wisdom, grace and love that they share and I’m so grateful for this platform you’ve created, Kandi where this kind of culture and dialogue can exist without the perverse elements of social media sites. I have found answers to some of my own struggles and a lot of things that have helped me come to terms with my own identity in reading posts and comments from this site, for which I’ll always be grateful.
Wow, THIS is why I do this. See previous message, love you Lizzy!