By Amanda J.
In part 1, I talked about my botched confession to my wife – who I’ll call Mrs. Amanda or Mrs. A for brevity – which culminated in a ‘cease and desist’ ultimatum a few months later. It only takes a quick look at my entry on the ‘Contributors’ page or a read of one of my earlier posts to know that I have not kept my promise so what happened?
I’m going to declare at the outset that I’m in no way proud of what I’m doing. The fact that I’m not only deceiving Mrs. A but also breaking the promise I made to her plays on my mind every single day of my life. From every angle I look at the situation, it doesn’t feel morally right and yet I continue to do it. With that in mind, I think it would be appropriate to dig a little deeper into this whole issue.
The advice I would give to anyone dealing with any sort of trans issues, from occasional crossdressing to a persistent desire to transition is to tell their partner as soon as possible, ideally before the relationship gets serious and marriage is contemplated. We all know that despite what we may think when we’re young, these urges don’t go away but, instead, intensify and get harder to manage as we get older, no matter how much we may think that falling in love has ‘cured’ us. The relationship may well end there and then but far better before marriage than after several decades leaving you both with the prospect of spending your final years alone if the marriage collapses. There are many women who can understand and accept a CDing or trans husband (and some who delight in it and positively encourage it) but to defer disclosure for a couple of decades is taking a big risk – if she disapproves, you’ve got big issues to resolve and if she approves, you’ve just wasted 20 years when you could have been indulging your female side with her.
I, of course, didn’t need to confess before marriage as I was ‘cured’. I delighted in buying Mrs. A all of the clothes and shoes that once I would have wanted to try on myself and all of the doubts & urges evaporated. I didn’t expect Mrs. A to disclose everything she’d done in her past so why should I worry about a little bit of CDing which was by that time well and truly history? But, as we all know, any disappearance of the urges is almost always temporary and, slowly but surely, they began to creep back. I covered the next part of the story in part 1: Matrimonial Challenges – Part 1 – How To Blow Up Your Marriage – which was posted on 17 January 2022 so I won’t go over old ground. Instead, I now want to jump forward to the point where I broke my promise to cease and desist.
I made my promise in May 2014 but, by late 2016, the urges had started to return and, on a night away from home on my own, I finally succumbed. I stopped at a fast fashion store (Primark for those familiar with UK retailers) and bought myself underwear, tights, a dress and shoes and, in the privacy of my hotel room, relived all of the old feelings. Naturally, I felt guilty and returned what I could for a refund the following day and I managed to keep things under reasonable control with only the odd lapse until mid-2019. My wife and kids went overseas for a couple of nights to see my sister in law and I took full advantage of having the house to myself. That was the point at which I knew that ‘this’ wasn’t going to go away and I was soon far deeper into the whole thing than I’d been when I first confessed. Then, I was just a recreational CDer. Now, I was posting photos on public forums, and interacting with other girls as Amanda. For a while I was even considering transition and whilst that particular idea has passed, I have subsequently taken a short walk in the roads around our house en femme and had a makeover. The truth is that when I put on a dress & heels, I feel a completeness that I never feel as ‘him’.
So what should I do?
I’m by no means alone in conducting this side of my life under the matrimonial radar. I’m in regular online contact with several other girls who operate in the same way. There are secrets in pretty well every marriage and I am completely happy to live with the prospect that Mrs. A will do things that she doesn’t tell me about. At a superficial level, CDing is harmless; it’s something I do on my own, it doesn’t prevent me being the best husband I can be and, in fact, I do think that having an outlet for my anxieties actually helps me in this respect. I’m probably far more attentive as a husband than one who spends every waking hour on the golf course, or every evening in the pub or any of the other traditionally male activities that regularly ensure that wives will spend protracted amounts of time on their own.
But is that a valid excuse for keeping quiet, particularly as I am now regularly breaking the promise I made to her? In many ways, the assertion ‘so if it’s so harmless, why hide it?’ blows that whole argument out of the water, fundamentally because any decent individual would realise that engaging in activities which they know their spouse disapproves of is not harmless. Furthermore, because I’ve confessed once already, I know exactly how Mrs. A will react and it won’t go well. I could be hard-nosed about the whole thing and decide that, if she wants to disapprove, get angry or react negatively in any other way, I don’t care because that’s her problem, not mine. But there’s one set of reactions from her that I can’t cope with – those associated with complete emotional devastation. Because what I found out some time after my original confession was that Mrs. A was distraught and crying herself to sleep and I just haven’t got it in me to put her through all of that for a second time.
And therein lies the biggest dilemma. There appear to be two options, each with questionable morality. One – keeping quiet – is immoral because it encompasses deception & breach of trust, both unacceptable traits in a marriage. The other – confessing all – is immoral because it relieves my conscience by dumping everything onto Mrs. A to deal with.
This is the point where I struggle to know what is best. Personally, if Mrs. A was to do things that I would not approve of, I’d rather not know about them but I can’t speak for her. What I do know is that when I went for my makeover, I had to actively lie about my whereabouts and it played on my mind for weeks in the run up to the session. It’s one thing saying nothing but another thing entirely to add to the deception with falsehoods. The only thing I can say is that, apart from the makeover, I avoid putting myself in any situation that would require me to lie so, much though I’d love to, I don’t socialise either as Amanda or with anyone who knows me as her. I hate having to turn invitations down because this is a truly amazing community that I want to play a bigger part in but that, together with the guilt I feel about the deception and breaking my promise, is the price I have to pay for what freedom I do have to let Amanda flourish.
So I have an uneasy equilibrium in my life. But for how much longer that will continue, I don’t know. I am already semi-retired and, sometime in the next few years, Mrs. A will follow suit and at that point, the luxury of having an empty house several days a week will disappear. And then what? Once again, it’s a question to which I have absolutely no idea of the answer. And really, when all is said and done, the whole question is not what is the right answer but, rather, what is the least wrong answer.
Never has the expression ‘stuck between a rock and a hard place’ seemed so relevant.
In the third and final part of this series, I’m going to look at what I’ve learned from this whole experience. There are no formulas that guarantee success but there are many that ensure that a marriage will never be the same again (and not in a positive way) and if I can save even one marriage by sharing these thoughts, then the whole sorry experience won’t have been in vain.
36 Responses
Amanda,
You are not only between a rock and a hard place, you are between a rock and a hard place on the North Atlantic coast with hurricane driven waves crashing down on you. By being there, you have joined many of us that are just down the shore from you. It is not easy and just trying to deal with it hurts. I wish you good luck and a few prayers.
Leann,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your kind words of support. The path we tread is a perilous one and often our only solace is in trying to make sure that others do not fall into the same traps that we have.
Amanda
Amanda,
I know, and understand, your situation.
Unfortunately, I don’t know how to resolve our circumstances.
But, I do know we are not alone.
Love, in friendship,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn,
Thank you as always for your support. In many respects, this is a problem without a solution as it requires us to do something that is counter-intuitive in a marriage – to put our own needs above those of our loved ones – and that’s a huge ask. But I share this story not in the hope that someone will come up with a foolproof solution but in the hope that perhaps it will save one of the several hundred visitors to this site each day from making the same mistakes that I did.
Amanda
Like Neann said, I too feel sorry for both you and your wife for what may be a reality that may not result in happiness or joy by either of you. Good luck.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. The path we tread is not an easy one but I think it’s important to share the bad times as well as the good, if only to let others know that they’re not alone in their struggles.
Amanda
Another excellent post Amanda… and as a fellow secret keeper I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. The problem for some of us is that the girl only emerges later in life, in my case close to 20 years are I met Mrs B. Not all of us get the option to tell early before being too vested.
My question to you is what do you think Mrs A would choose if she had the option of being told or to continue to be deceived? Of course you can’t know what she would want but what does your instinct tell you?
Becky
Becky,
Good question (yours always are!). There’s a short answer and a long answer so here goes….
The short answer is that Mrs A would immediately say that she would want to be told. I can say that with a fair degree of certainty as it’s a key element in the implied duty of trustworthiness in a marriage.
But I think the long answer may be different. Because in that question, there is a subtext that disclosure would work to the detriment of the marriage so the question is really whether she would want to be told of an issue that would affect the marriage or remain oblivious, adding for good measure that the issue is ring fenced and would have no material effect on the marriage. I can’t answer that question for Mrs A as only she knows how she would truly feel but I can answer it from my own perspective. On a purely ‘here and now’ basis, I would choose to remain ignorant and ‘allow’ Mrs A her independence. I can’t see any benefit in choosing an option that would work to the detriment of the marriage and tell me something I’d rather not know.
But there is another dimension to this. Suppose I told Mrs A that I wanted to take ballroom dancing lessons. She knows that she has two left feet and also that it’s something that I enjoyed doing at university so she tells me to go and enjoy myself. Or does she? She may stop and think that there may be single women looking for partners and close dancing is intrinsic to the activity. Suppose that I ‘clicked’ with one of the ladies there? What then? And I think that that is at the root of the problem – it’s not seen as harmless dressing up but, instead, something that will shake the fabric of the marriage if allowed to continue unchecked.
To be clear, though, I stand by my assertion that this is something that should be disclosed as soon as its existence is apparent. In a perfect world, we’d all be perfectly happy to add it to the list of hobbies we tell our wives to be about when we’re getting to know each other and they’d reply ‘oooooh, that sounds great fun!’. But we don’t live in a perfect world and sometimes we have to make unpalatable decisions which go against everything we believe in to preserve the wellbeing of both the marriage and the individuals within it.
Amanda
Amanda,
As you are aware I did try and work things out but the fact is they didn’t .
It still comes back to the question what drives the need , like you I expected marriage to be a cure but it simply gave me freer access to clothes . We’re torn between the exhilarating high and then the deep feeling of shame and guilt , the two extemes begin to affect everyday life , I reached a point where I almost ceased to function . Anti depressants didn’t really help becuae they took some of the guilt away but left a feeling of lethargy .
My wife didn’t catch me dressed I choose to come clean and tell her the WHOLE truth , I held nothing back and I was also careful not to make promises I couldn’t keep . She left in tears to talk to her sister and my brother in law came to talk to me , we tried to put our lives back together for the business and the children , it was like walking on eggshells but we manged to tick over for another ten years . You really have to be realistic and accept once the cat is out of the bag there is no going back , the damage is done , you have changed in the eyes of your wife or partner .
I’d also like to take the point up about divulging all before marriage , we make an assumption that we are the ones with the secret but women DO keep secrets from us , my wife should have told me details about her but she chose not to .
I had no choice but to ask for professional help , I didn’t realise or accept parts of the story , YES I was transgender , nothing was going to change that . My gender counsellor was very upset with the level of supression I was living with , again she asked if my wife would attend , again she refused but by then it was probably too late .
I will add my ex now knows and accepts she dealt with the situation in the wrong way , she lost a good husband , father and grandfather , yes she does have to deal with the choices she made . I wll also add that our separation gave us both the opportunity to build a new life , I knew I would never go back , my life is fuller and happier now . I might live alone now but I’m not lonely .
If a marriage has to end it doesn’t mean life has ended , people can move on and nothing stops you from being good friends , I talk to my ex on the phone , we discuss the children and sometimes recall old stories and events that made us smile .
This is a complex subject and there are as many solutions as there are people looking for them. And that’s before we factor in wives. We could have a pair of identical twins facing exactly the same issues but one’s wife could embrace this side of them and the other’s be marching straight to the divorce court.
There are no easy answers and the point of this post (which was one of a series of five that first saw the light of day four years ago) was not to provide a foolproof strategy, not least because there isn’t one, but to try to at least stop others making the mistakes I had made back in 2013/14. Mrs A struggled for six months to try to accept this; there were hopeful signs but also lows when, for example, she said that if she’d known at the outset, she wouldn’t have married me (which is fair enough) and also that she didn’t want to be married to a woman (also fair enough given that I don’t want to be married to a man). In the end, she gave me a choice – the marriage or freedom to crossdress. I chose the marriage.
Obviously, when this post was first published, I was still a year off the fateful day when I outed myself for a second time and ended up with tolerance and a DADT arrangement. As I said in the post, I felt guilt every single day as I wrestled with the question of whether the deception was preferable to dumping everything onto her just to feel better myself.
As for early disclosure, I had no desire to know the ins and outs of Mrs A’s premarital relationships and am happy for her to keep any details she wishes to herself. I saw no reason to disclose prior crossdressing when we met and married for the pure and simple reason that I thought it was in the past and that marriage had ‘cured’ me. In the end, I held out for 22 years, the last four of which I was regularly crossdressing and for a long time before that, it was obvious to me that the needs were returning.
My biggest mistake in all of this was to completely overlook the deception angle which, to Mrs A, was at least as significant as the crossdressing, if not even more so and more than anything, I want others who read this and who are facing this particular issue to approach it with a full appreciation of what they’re potentially facing. I could say that Mrs A’s ultimatum was unacceptable or even inhuman but at least she thought the marriage was worth preserving and for that I’ll be eternally grateful.
My wife and I are married 55 years.We have 5 children and 10 grand children. I told her after 10 years after she found something. I tried to stop dressing with almost disastrous results. She wants nothing to do with my Femme side. The keyword for me is balance. I recently found out that one of my children knows about my dressing. If she asks I will tell her that I will always be her father and will be there for her.
Terri, thank you for sharing this. It’s not an easy thing for wives to accept and all we can do in the end is give reassurance that they remain our priority.
Ironically, my wife not wanting anything to do with it since agreeing to DADT three years ago has been both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it’s enabled me to carry on without the stresses I encountered when trying to stick to the earlier promise to quit that I made but a curse because that lack of oversight has permitted me to expand my activities to a degree that neither of us envisaged when DADT was agreed.
Amanda,
One of my ex-wife’s comments was she wasn’t a lesbian , that was one of many objections but we can’t ignore the obvious that being transgender means some part of us is female , if the marriage continues from that point or not that simple fact can’t be ignored . I also agree that I could never envisaged being married to a man but that is part of my spectrum , one or two of my transgender friends were quite happy with that type of situation but it did become more confusing for a couple of transsexual friends .
As I’ve commented before the social groups I attended were also open to wives and partners , on average 25% took an active part and enjoyed the meetings and social events . One or two did treat their crosdressing partners as ” Barbie Dolls ” but it worked for them so I didn’t have a problem .
I admit I didn’t expect to be so active in the community as Teresa , I just thought I was going to live to blend in but the more I was accepted the more I’ve become involved . My ex isn’t totally happy but then we are divorced now , I have no input in her life but she still thinks she can control mine . CONTROL being the operative word !
Amanda,
I have to disagree that “you’re between a rock and a hard place”, it more like you are laying on quick sand with a 10 ton boulder on top of you.
The bigger question is what happens when you are both retired?
Good news is have years to think about it.
Cali, there’s good news and bad news!
The good news is that about one year after this post first saw the light of day, I accidentally outed myself to Mrs A for a second time. The full account of what happened was set out in part 6 of this series:
https://kandis-land.com/matrimonial-challenges-part-6-when-the-game-is-finally-up/
Since then, whilst it’s still largely a subject not to be discussed, when things blew up in my family in the middle of last year, Mrs A once again reaffirmed her tolerance, even to the point of suggesting that I dealt with things whenever my daughter was out of the house.
The bad news is that because four years have elapsed since I wrote this post, we’re now four years closer to Mrs A’s retirement, with timescales now measured in months rather than years. Added to that, whereas then I was just a recreational closeted crossdresser, things are now very different as my recent posts here testify. There is obviously a need for a full and frank discussion with Mrs A sooner rather than later and whilst I don’t fear that per se, what I don’t want is to be put in the position where full disclosure is required. I’m happy telling her that I need to go away every few weeks but would rather not get into the details that I book the hotel and check in as Amanda and am never happier than when I’m out and about.
No doubt there’ll be a part 7 to this series (that was only supposed to be a three parter) when that conversation happens.
I too am getting closer to retirement. I’m in my 70’s now, but my genetics say I could have another 35+ years. What will I do? I need to be in heels 6+ hours a day for my hip, but when I am home I’m barefooted.
Retirement brings more issues.
Amanda, when I first meet you it was to tell my story of the difficulties I faced with my wife. What makes me feel so bad is that I did not tell her how I felt at the beginning. I discovered that I had a feminine side later in life. My wife found my feminine things and was devastated about the revelation. She felt betrayed and believed this was part of some mental illness on my part. She told me the worst part was being lied to. I was no longer the man she feel in love with. She said she could never accept this side of me, so she issued an ultimatum. I had to stop crossdressing or I could leave.
I regret lying to her, this was my greatest mistake. I would tell others to be honest even if it means that the worst will happen to your relationship. We never had good communication throughout our relationship and it is mostly my fault. One of the reasons for my deception was for a good twenty years of our marriage, we lacked a loving relationship. I did want a relationship with her, but the communication was not their. She resented that I spent so much time with my work, getting my master’s degree, and not helping with the children. She was right, I could have done more, but I did love her and the children.
When she found out about my crossdressing, we talked about how I felt about her resentment to me. Our relationship actually improved, we did do things together. She said she enjoyed being with me for the first time in a long time. I think she was trying to “cure me”. Her feeling may have been genuine, but I still felt something was missing. My feminine feeling never left me, I fact they grew stronger over time. I started crossdressing again, and I know this was a part of who I was. The ultimatum remained, she know this would not go away and she said she hated this side of me.
I do not expect her to accept Julie, but I hoped for some tolerance. I have noticed that couples who have maintained a loving relationship and have good communication with each other have very a very successful outcome. The wife or partner accepts this side of their husband, and they may even enjoy participating in this with their husband. I know my wife will never get to this point, I just hope for some tolerance in over time. I think a am resentful of her now. I know most of the problems in our relationship is of my doing. I think I resent her now, she is very controlling. She shows no sigh of any compromise.
This is my dilemma now. We share the love of our grandchildren. I do not want to abandon her, we have been a part of each other’s life for fifty four years now. I do not know how our relationship can be saved. I feel am emptiness not being able to express my feminine side. I am not an unhappy with my life.
I will be honest with her and let her know I still have this bi gender identity that I feel I need to express. I will asker her about my being able to express this side of my gender identity and see where things go from there. I don’t think things can get any worse.
Thank all of you girls for sharing how you deal with this issue. I know we all all here for each other. Amanda I also appreciate your insight into our shared circumstances. I hope things work out for all of us. The greatest gift any person can give another person is acceptance of who they are.
Julie
Julie, I think that many will identify with your situation, myself included. It’s a horrible situation to be in, particularly when we realise that it’s a consequence of decisions we have previously made in good faith. Even the realisation that ultimatums are made because the relationship is valued enough not to end it there and then is little consolation when we’re battling to keep the promises we made.
I guess the only consolation in all of this is that the situation today can be different to the one yesterday and tomorrow may be different again. There are no guarantees of course but sometimes hoping for the best rather than fearing the worst is all we have.
It is Amanda, we can go through life denying who we are. I don’t see how that can be very good for anyone.
Julie ,
Setting aside our dressing needs our wives marry us for what we are , none of us are perfect but if you chose to better your life personally that was your choice .
My photography business was very demanding I often worked unsociable hours and obviously most weekends with weddings which meant my wife had to deal with the children without my help . In some repects i did try and put things right by spending any spare time extending our home but sometimes I didn’t know when to stop . On the plus side I learnt many building trades , in fact I tackled all of them which was great as I was then able to renovate my son and daughter’s homes when they bought them . When we finally separated my wife did make it clear to our children that they shouldn’t turn their backs on me because of the help and start I had given to them in building their adult lives .
As I commented to Amanda when a marrige does end it doesn’t mean the world had ended , there is life beyond it .At some point you have to evaluate what is left of the marriage , separation proved to be the sensible answer to both of us , you have to try and ignore the timescale , I was married almost 50 years but it was over . I will add I could almost count on one hand the number of times my wife put her arms round me to tell me she loved me in that time , over the years she did hurt me deeply .
This resonates with me JD as I do believe that the number one thing women/wives/so’s hate the most about all this is the lying. And for many, it’s a deal breaker. Ya roll the dice. My first wife took the news fine. Didn’t love it but had a hey, do whatever you want attitude. We divorced for other reasons, definitely not my cd’ing. Wife #2 was my “trophy wife”. This was a chick who dated quarterbacks and cowboys. Couldn’t even believe I got a date with her in the first place tbh. I told her about “my hobby” on our 2nd date because I was sure it wasn’t gonna fly. Surprisingly this was during a time when I was going out once a month dressed to a crossdressing group in the SF Bay Area. Not only was she okay with it, she said she’d go to the club with me! This was a relationship in which we told each other we were “trying something totally different, relationship wise.” An “opposites attracting” kinda romance it was. Turns out that she never ended up going with me to that club, and truthfully, I can’t imagine a meetup with fellow t-girls and a wife in tow. I also knew, deep down, this chick hates this but she’s being nice. That marriage busted up as well, when she finally had an affair and left me for…a cowboy! Ha! Perfect! Something I will never forget though, is what she said about my hobby as she was going out the door….”It would haven been nice to wash some male underwear once in awhile”. That made me so sad and I realized that my selfish “underdressing” constantly was a catalyst in our breakup. Live and learn. BTW, I’m friends to this day with both of them. Heck, we once loved each other enough to be married, why not stay friends? That’s always been my attitude anyway. I cherish both of them to this day. I even sent my “Grace” Christmas e-mail card to wife #1. She replied that I looked better now than I did back in the 90’s. You gotta love a girl like that!🥰
Wife #3 is the charm. Again, probably by the third date I brought it up…Honey, this is quirky, but then, you already can tell I’m a bit of a strange duck…she was totally ok. I always emphasize, heck it’s just clothes. I’m not gay. I’m not leaving. I’m certainly not transitioning. If you leave me, I’m gonna be looking for another real woman. Not a t-girl. And I would ALWAYS emphasize…I can’t lie to you and hide this. I won’t, even it means losing you. I always felt that by their acceptance, it was a good indicator I had a good one. I always thought, well, if she takes off because of this, I’ll get over it and find another.
And wife #3 has helped me understand things better. She’s okay with it, we shop together, she gives me good suggestions and generally has no problem with me doing my “thing”. She’s the one who suggested that we crossdressers need fellow besties and confidantes we can share with. She said she tells her girlfriend’s things she’d never tell me. Because she knows I don’t care. And she’s let me know that if I go too overboard…she’s going to lose interest pretty quickly. She needs a husband around most of the time. I respect those wishes. And I’m so much better nowadays at “reading the room” if ya catch my drift.😊
Julie,
When I looked at my wife’s will, it really screwed me over. I told her we needed to talk about it and she told me ‘that’s the way I want it, if you don’t like it you can leave.’ She didn’t know it at the time, but that comment ended our relationship right there and then. I didn’t consider I was in a loving relation if we couldn’t even talk about issues, especially important ones. I got injured and it took 22 months before I could work again and only part time. She didn’t understand the depth of the injury and all ‘loving’ disappeared. I think she was resentful that all I did was lay in bed and go to physical therapy. I stayed until my youngest was out of high school, found a new house, bought it, and moved.
Since then, she had an operation that had problems and she told me that she now understands a bit what I went through, and has apologized – too little – too late.
Julie, I sorry you live under this ultimatum. I hope your wife soften up. I hope for the best outcome for you.
Thank you Cali, we all have similarities and differences in our relationships. All we can do is be the best woman and man we can be. That is my goal. Thank you for reaching out to me. It is always helpful to have such a wonderful group of women to discuss the problems and how important our feminine side is to us.
I am sorry to here that Teresa. I just am not ready to give up on our relationship. You still share our wonderful grandchildren. I know you have transitioned, and that would be a game changer for our relationship. I have no desire to transition. I am content with my bi gender expression. I am not sure what the future will bring and it may lead to separation, I hope not.
Hi Amanda . Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I and many others can relate to this totally. I told my wife very early on which I thought was the fair thing to do as I felt we were getting serious. She didn’t run , however she wasn’t overly keen on the idea either. I dressed in secret for many many years , well she knew I was doing it , however turned a blind eye to it . After my daughter moved out , she started being more accepting and slowly but surely let me dress at home, i remember the first time and how nervous I was . My whole body trembling. I was only allowed to do it sporadically and was reminded when I tried to push the boundaries!! It was confusing, she bought me clothes, we shopped together and then one day , after my daughter moved back home, she said no more! I hate it, I can’t support this anymore. She made me promise to not do it in the house anymore and so I was devastated.as you have said this is impossible and yes I do it and yes the guilt is overwhelming. I have since told my daughter about me and initially she was shocked , she is better with it now thankfully, however she never wants to see me dressed. We have made a compromise, I’m allowed to join a local support group where I can go and be myself once a month . I have my first meeting this coming Saturday. I’m nervous as hell and excited all at the same time. Not sure how I’m going to go but my desire to dress is stronger than my fear .
Look forward to reading the next part . Love to you Amanda and all the amazing girls here ❤️👗
Chris, thank you for sharing such a personal experience. I think many of us have experienced something similar to what you have gone through with headway seemingly made and then a complete 180° turn and if feels like we’re back to square one. As I think we all realise, it’s an incredibly difficult thing for a wife to come to terms with but it’s a bitter pill to swallow when we’re already finding balancing our two sides challenging. In the end, I try to look at it on the basis that it’s the 95%.
I hope that you have a wonderful time at the support group.
As regards the next part, this is a rerun from four years ago and you can see parts 3-5 via the following links:
https://kandis-land.com/author/amanda-johnson/page/8/
https://kandis-land.com/author/amanda-johnson/page/9/
There was also a part 6:
https://kandis-land.com/matrimonial-challenges-part-6-when-the-game-is-finally-up/
Thanks Amanda . It’s great having this place where we can share our experiences and I look forward to a time when I can share more and more.
Thanks for sending the links . I will check them out. Sending hugs 🤗
Chris,
I hope your first social / support meeting goes well , being nervous is inevitable .
I admit I wasn’t nervous because it felt so right , my daughter discovered by accident because she caught me ironing a dress she knew didn’t belong to her or my ex . I expained everything , she has been wonderful , she never hesitating when meeting me and now we go out quite regularly I usually spend Xmas day with her and her family .
Thanks for your support Teresa, very much appreciated. It’s going to be nerve wracking walking in but I’m sure everyone will be wonderful as are all the girls here on Kandi’s Land . Yes it will feel right and I will be in a safe and friendly environment. . Sending hugs 🤗
In my part of the world it is morning so good morning to all. As we all know “this” does not go away. “It” does seem to gather strength as we mature.
I came here this morning after a short period (a couple of weeks perhaps) of “manning up” wherein I decided / determined to ignore my feminine side. It wasn’t suppression as much as it was ignore it, much like one would do to an ache that wasn’t so debilitating as to require medical attention. Within my own self imposed limits and my wife’s limits (she won’t tolerate a bra or panties) I freely dress around the house. As I write this I am in leggings, a very pretty blouse, and ballet style house slippers. I have walked passed my wife several times, we have had our morning hugs and greetings and all is well, albeit not perfect.
But in spite of my self chosen “manning up” as of late, (why I am not sure) last evening for bed and now this morning I simply needed some Charrie time. My wife is OK with me sleeping in woman’s PJ or nighties so I dressed appropriately for the need last evening. This morning I continued dressed as described above. As with all of you, dressing helps scratch our girl itch, but for me usually dressing is not enough. I need to interact with other woman I know get it. I need to share with other woman my struggles and have them (you all) share with me your struggles. It is in that interaction I really have my itched scratched sufficiently. In those interactions as much as possible at this point I become the woman I know I am. (Perhaps I really am mentally ill. I don’t think so, but maybe).
Interacting with my wife doesn’t meet that need because she still understands me as her husband that finds satisfaction in wearing women’s clothes. She has yet to grasp that I identify as a woman; that I really am Charlene; that my male persona is my masquerade and not vice versa. To her I am not Charrie, I am simply XCXZC, her husband.
So here I am this morning and here “perchance” is this republished article. Thank you Amanda for being so honest, transparent, forthright etc. Reading about the struggles you all endure, hurting with you in them as I read, wishing I could reach out with a hug; in all that you have met my need for being me within the limits that are mine.
I wrote an article for another site entitled “The Evolution of a Trans Life”. Therein I detailed how I evolved from crossdressing to understanding and accepting that I desired to crossdress because I am transgendered, because at my core I am a woman.
There is nothing more I would like to do than transition. Full time womanhood is my deepest yearning. Yet like those of you who shared here, your marriage is too important to take your desires further. Thank you all for that commitment, for voicing it, for sharing your struggles and how you manage within the parameters set by yourself & your wives.
For those whose marriage didn’t endure, I understand. I lost my first marriage after 38 years. My wife, whom I love deeply even today after almost 15 years of separation, just could not mentally endure the reality of her husband being trans and the possibility of his transition.
I didn’t tell her before we married. Back in the 70s this condition wasn’t understood as it is today. Like Amanda the moral dilemma, the guilt, the shame were present, but the desire was stronger. Not knowing that it doesn’t go away, I didn’t tell her, thought my love for her would prevent the dressing, but alas we all know how that plays out. She caught me dressed not once but twice. She did her best to cope, I did my best to not do, but she endured for some time, but decided on divorce as the best solution for her.
I told my second wife soon after we started dating that I was “gender broken” Neither of us understood at that time what that meant in its depths. We have learned much in our time together. She has admirably accepted much and therein we make things work for her and for me.
In all this may I say I agree with Amanda, tell your partner early in the relationship. Honesty though often difficult and sometimes very painful is truly the best policy. Suppression & deep closet living will make itself evident eventually. You may not realize it. The old adage, ‘being so close that you can’t see the forest for the trees,” applies.
But your wife will know something is wrong. You won’t tell her when she asks you what is wrong. But it will come out eventually and you will find out that the hiding may have hurt her more than the disclosure, although yes, oft times the disclosure is painful and without doubt will be disruptive.
Again thank you all for being here. You have helped this girl this morning.
Blessings,
Charlene
Charlene, thank you for your kind words and for sharing such detailed thoughts. There is much wisdom in what you say.
I think many of us realise that our moment has been and gone. That’s not to say that we have left things too late but rather we have inadvertently steered a course in life that puts constraints on us now. I can’t speak for everyone but I don’t have a shred of regret about the course my life has taken and would almost certainly make the same decisions again if I had a second chance. But it’s not lost on me that the things that were once an impossible fantasy are now just there for the taking and for some of us, other priorities have to take precedence. The challenge is to find a compromise that works for all concerned and it’s often not easy. And whilst honesty is the best policy, there is a very thin line between not enough information and too much.
For me, and I suspect for many others, this only works because Amanda’s world is separate to ‘his’. He looks after all of the crappy things in life, she just enjoys an unencumbered life of happiness. But I’m aware that that situation only exists because of the duality – crash those two worlds together and his problems land on her lap. And in the end, that’s probably the only reassurance I can give to Mrs A that ‘he’ will always be there for her.
Thank you again for sharing your story.
Amanda, I do believe honesty is the best policy, but do we not; are we not often in life faced with choosing between, good, better, best? That said surely there are circumstances where best is not prudent and good or better becomes best. So for prudence sake we choose good or better.
In my first marriage any conversation of “my problem” brought deep depression on my ex, so in spite of deeply hurting to have someone to talk to, not so I could find compromise for expression, but so that I could have her help me get through or over it, I thought it was best not to talk to her. Right? Wrong? Compromised Best? I am not sure to this day.
Each marriage and individual is so unique. Decisions for good, better, best are therefore individual and marriage specific, unique as the individuals involved.
There are subjects that I long to broach with my wife. She has been so good to go as far as she has with me, that to broach those topics might very well harm the equilibrium we now enjoy.
So as much as I long to discuss hormones, or going public at this time I think it best that I not.
Full honesty? No. I am not lying but neither am I telling the whole truth. This is why in our home to her I am her husband, not Charlene, the other woman who lives at this address.
What we have is good; good enough for me currently, good enough for her. Thus for now I will leave total honesty aside because I am fairly certain such a choice for such honesty would not be best for both of us. Though honesty is the best policy, our current good in my judgment is better than what the best policy would produce.
Kindly,
Charlene
You’re absolutely right and that was my point about the thin line between not enough and too much information. If I go out or spend time away from home, I am always truthful about where I’m going but I never mention that the visits are in the persona of my feminine alter ego. Even so, I hate the idea of the deceit but leave Mrs A to draw her own conclusions if she wants to – that, after all, is one of the tenets of DADT. Where that becomes problematic for me is when Mrs A retires. Home activities will be impossible and I won’t be able to manufacture enough ‘legitimate’ reasons to be away from home to satisfy my own needs. I’m hoping that after the ground rules are set, there’ll be an unspoken understanding of what is going on and I won’t be faced with too many questions about where I went and what I did.
Charlene ,
I fully understand your comment about sharing your thoughts and needs with women , I guess it’s like a foot in the door , we’re being recognised and possibly accepted for our female side . It’s why i spent much of my time talking to wives at my social meetings , they accepted their crossdressing husbands so I felt I could share something they understood but perhaps not fully . Those conversations helped me build my confidence , they gave me the strength to take the next steps , yes it is sad my wife wasn’t on the same wavelength , I tried but it wasn’t to be .
Now I’m fulltime I don’t need or have those conversations , I live as Teresa so my life is now complete .
Amanda ,
It’s wonderful to see people freely telling their stories , sometimes I miss those interactions , just being free to do so can take a huge weight off your shoulders .
To everyone – I am humbled by the response to this repost and in particular how it has prompted discussion in the comments section.
My motivation for writing this series of posts which eventually totalled six was to be a voice on behalf of wives. I learned the hard way about how wives can view all of this and, unfortunately, I’ve come across too many instances where wives are portrayed as the villain of the piece or where our proclivities are brushed off with excuses like ‘it’s all harmless fun’ and ‘all marriages have secrets’. I detonated a nuke in the middle of my marriage with just six words ‘I’ve been bad, I’ve been crossdressing’. We can debate whether crossdressing is bad but all too often, that’s how wives see it and that’s before we add in the issue of deception.
Nine years after that fateful day, things turned out OK for me but maybe if I’d given things a bit of thought before blurting my confession out, they would have worked out far sooner. And by sharing this, I just hope that someone somewhere will read it and not made the same mistakes that I did.
Amanda.
The only thing imho wrong with your 6-word statement was “bad”. (this not for Ms. A, but others) Don’t project this to others that cd is ‘bad’.
I currently don’t have a girlfriend, but I am extremely busy and will be for the next 20 months. I don’t think I would need to bring up this conversation with a woman now, I wear heels and have nail polish, so I expect them to ask.