This was one of my earliest posts (with some updates) and really framed how I thought about what this blog should be and how its’ voice should sound.
Listen, I love being called Kandi. I love being called girl. “Cute outfit girl!” But nothing thrills me to the core more than to be referred to in conversation as “she”. That single word, she, a very small word, only three letters, is complete affirmation. Especially when it is done very naturally by the other person. No pause, no thought, just “she”. When someone pauses to think about how to refer to me, I always move to make them more comfortable. My purpose always when out is to help break down barriers, to make people comfortable with me, to let them know I am no different than they are, I just prefer different clothing. When you get that “she”, you know you’ve accomplished something.
A few months back I was in line to make a purchase, socially distanced. The sales clerk was talking to the woman she was helping and referred her to another counter and said she would be over in a minute once I check “her” out. That “her” was me. It’s been over seven years since I started down this road and I still noticed that she referred to me that way and it still pleases me to no end!
By no means does “she” infer I “passed” or fooled anyone. The male physique has hundreds of tells (which we discussed last week). Anyone looking for them can find at least a few. What “she” does mean is that person gets me and respects me. They value my feelings. They are sensitive to our changing times. I am never offended when I am referred to as “he” when dressed. My voice is definitely male and in conversation, the voice is obviously dominant. Even people I dearly love, have referred to me as he and I never correct them. I am a man after all. Many know me in both male and female modes. But if given the opportunity, I ask them to look at me, not to listen to me when using pronouns. I do prefer to be referred to as “she” and “her”.
At church (when it was allowed), I am frequently and often referred to by the female gender. It is very natural for many of the women I volunteer with at the theater (when they still existed) to do this as well. “She was just telling me….”. “She’ll show you to your seat..”. That word always grabs me, catches my attention and I am swept away by its beauty, its simplicity. One time at the theater, a wonderful woman, a patron, came up to me and told me I was a very pretty lady. She had literally just walked in, so she didn’t have the opportunity to study me or even think about her kind gesture. She didn’t have to do that at all. A smile would have been enough for me. But she made me feel special. She made my day! So ladies, next time someone refers to you as “she”, thank them, let them know it meant something.
It is remarkable to me that there have been many, many experiences and moments for me on my hundreds (nearing a thousand) of outings, yet they never get old. They are always recognized and valued. I just get chills when referred to as “she”, it is truly special and will always be so. It is never said without me realizing so.
“She” is so powerful! She is…..me.
10 Responses
Kandi, I totally agree with this, I mean never in my life would I have ever thought hearing she or her referring to me would feel so wonderful, make me feel complete.
Like you I get it I’m male and don’t pass but when I’m out en fem, I’m a women and want to feel respected as such. It’s a big reason I want to blend and dress as the other ladies of today.
Love your blog so much
God bless you my dear friend
That made my day, and it was an eventful one!
Definitely worth hearing again, and oh so true. That simple word is better than being called ma’am by a sales associate. It is expressing the truth about me to a third person, and that is simply awesome!
We are awesome!
This is one of those times when I am very grateful for being a blonde with very fine, sparse body hair.
I envy you that! Thanks Kim.
Well said Kandi . I will always refer to my friends as she or her if dressed, not that I really know many , hopefully that will change over time . If I’m unsure I would simply ask as I don’t like to just assume. I would never want to offend anyone. I look forward to the day I go out in public and some refers to me as she or her. My wife is really the only one who sees me dressed at the moment and I feel it’s a big ask for her to call me she or her. Maybe one day she will . I’m just lucky I have a name that can be for either gender .
This is a process for all of us. It only took me over 50 years to become Kandi, so take it, as the great Eddie Rabbit once said, step by step!
Kandi,
That simple three letter word means so much . Most people skim the surface of what we look like , they see enough ” Tells ” to make an instant judgement , once they’ve made that decision they usually stick with it despite the voice being slightly different to what they expected . Does the male handle hurt ? Yes of course it does now I’ve officially changed my name , if it’s not intentional I either gently correct them or ignore it with a smile . If it is intentional then I will bide my time and pick my moment to show my displeasure but sometimes you just have to walk away because in making my point I’m actually falling into their hands which could do more harm to me .
Of course it has it’s more humourous moments , like the time when I was waiting in line for my COVID jab a volunteer worker asked if I wanted to join the same line as my husband ! His response being with a smile , ” that LADY isn’t with me !” .
I remember reading this before and it made me smile just like reading it again does. It’s amazing what a simple act of validation with words can do. I’ve never been called her or she in public but have never put myself in the situations Kandi does. So I can just imagine what it feels like to be called that in person. All my online friends that know me as Liz call me she and her and I love it. It feels so validating to be called a girl or woman even by those who’ve only met me online.
I read a story somewhere a long time ago one of these trans or crossdresser sites, I don’t remember where i read it, from one of our trans sisters who said the first time she ever felt validated in public was when she was fully en femme driving her car and had accidently cut off a motorcycle in traffic. The biker pulled up to her and yelled something to the effect of “you bitch” at her before speeding away. She said it left her smiling and the biker couldn’t have known how much that made her day. One way or another it must feel good to have others validate you and treat you the way you want to be identified with even if they meant to insult you.