By Lisa P.
It’s complicated. That one phrase neatly describes the relationship those of us who are married usually have with our spouse. If we have a difficult time figuring ourselves out (read almost all my prior posts, for examples of someone trying to do that!), we should expect it to be doubly difficult to understand from the outside. Learning is best done though doing, not watching; we are learning all the time, while our spouses are generally stuck where they started, or managing to take baby steps in our direction.
My wife has been taking baby steps, but boy is it hard for her to accept this girl! One of her joys in life has been to “dress her man”. When she is out shopping, she will head to the men’s department and pick up a shirt or slacks that she thinks would look good on me. She is so proud to present to me just the article of clothing that she thinks will look good on me. Inevitably, she is disappointed by my reaction. But, in my defense, who can get excited by men’s clothes? It is like the stage manager who comes up and tells you that you will now be wearing a different outfit for the next scene. OK, you change into it, but what is there to be excited about? She knows very well that I would jump for joy if she found a blouse or skirt that she thought I might like. I would smile broadly, even if the blouse or skirt wasn’t to die for. Has she ever done that? Nope – those types of purchases don’t fit within the baby steps category.
What has she bought me so far? A thin silver bangle bracelet, an inlaid multi-colored bracelet from Africa, a gold cross on a delicate chain, a tie-dye nightshirt and a feather-light robe to go over my nightshirt. Believe me, I am not complaining about these gifts. In fact, the cross necklace is my absolute favorite personal possession other than my wedding ring.
Of course, each gift was asked for and given rather sheepishly, as if there were something naughty about asking for or receiving such gifts by someone assigned male at birth. We also have had a few “misses” in the asking and receiving department.
For example, when I asked for a nightshirt I told her I wanted something that is lightweight, has a V neck, hits mid-thigh, and is in a soft fabric. Clearly, you can only buy such a nightshirt in the women’s department. But, she spent a month trying to find one in the men’s department, then bought a heavy, V-necked, long cotton male nightshirt on the internet and said, “this is the best I could do.” The poor nightshirt is still sitting forlornly in the drawer, awaiting donation. But, then a few months after that debacle a miracle happened. She presented me one evening with the tie-dyed nightshirt from the women’s department that fits the description to the “T” and that I now wear happily.
A similar misstep has been in the summer pajamas department. I asked her if she could find some shorts and a top in soft material that she wouldn’t mind me wearing. Now, this is a woman who buys half her clothes at TJ Maxx and Kohls and and their equivalents (I married a very sensible lady) to save money, and I had been to just such a store and seen many perfectly good examples. But, once again she searched high and low to find a pair of women’s pajama shorts that were not the shorty-shorts that she likes, but instead go down as far as a pair of culottes (i.e. almost to the knees). It was as if she thought they would be less feminine if they were that long. She also managed to find a pair that was solid gray, so the only distinguishing feminine characteristic was the feel of the fabric (admittedly very soft) and the nice bow you can tie at the front. I did keep them, but I also let her know that they were not what I was talking about. But, I want you to know that I am not making fun of her or looking a gift horse in the mouth. Personally, I am just pleased that she has moved from 100% “see no ‘evil’” to “it’s Ok, as long as it isn’t too obvious and isn’t around anyone else”…one must give credit where credit is due.
See what I mean? It’s complicated!
19 Responses
Let me just say when it comes to the ladies and spouses in our lives if they come from a time when men just did not do such things unless it was for laughs they will likely never get this part of us.
My now ex tried her best and as it came closer to us ending things the change in her was I want to make him happy. So we went to Vegas and she saw how much I loved being feminine and dressed but for her it began the ending of our marriage.
It’s not what she thought of for her.
She married a man, or so she thought, not a trans person who very much enjoyed their gender fluid side.
So my advice for those who still have a somewhat good marriage, tread lightly and if it’s too much for you to hold back then make sure your willing to accept whatever comes with that
Rachael,
I like your advice to “tread lightly,” as I think it is imperative for us to know what we need/value most in our lives, and to act accordingly. The answer is highly personal, and I do not want to devalue anyone else’s lived experience. Yet, I also want (for me and for others) to make the right decisions. Each day at the end of the day I say a prayer of thanks for a beautiful wife—that counts far more than the complicated nature of our relationship,
Thank you for your thoughtful and personal comment.
some years ago I had to terminate a 10 year old relationship because I couldn’t stand being closeted all the time, she knew but didn’t want to see me in women’s clothing. I had told her on one of the first dates we had and she accepted it but then after mowing in with me she could not take it so in the end I had had enough of being closeted all the time even in the house. I then made a new relationship with the woman I live with now and she is very supportive and buy me things like jewelry, clothes and makeup, when we are out together she comes with suggestions for clothing that she thinks will look good on me and sometimesI even has to ask her to relax when people are around us in shops as I don’t want to be outed by accident in a shop. My female wardrobe has expanded tremendously in the last couple of years from almost nothing to about 30 skirts and the same number og dresses and blouses, not to mention the underwear and a lot of shoes. Strangely enough she do not like me to put on makeup and whig which she tells me is just to much for her and she feels that she cannot rekocnice me when I do the full transformation and she feels uncomfortable. All the clothing she really likes to see me in but not the makeup and whigs.
Clarissa, it is good to hear that you have someone with whom you can share this part of yourself. Who knows where it will take you next!
Lisa,
For years I had to appear thankful for my lovely Xmas gift of a new shirt and cord trousers , not forgetting those packs of thick male socks , which strangely my daughter would borrow . All that was wanted was one single item of recognition and acceptance of the femme side . My daughter was the first to take the plunge with items of makeup or nail gift packs or a pretty scarf , I love shoping with her and spoiling her while she gives me the nod on what looks good .
Baby steps are just that sometimes they move forward and sometimes they stumble , I admit baby steps never solved the basic problem they just tip-toed round it . When we finally accepted a possible separation things did move forward , I confessed I had my stash hidden in my darkroom but with the possibility of selling our house we knew we would have to start a serious sort out . She suggested I move all my items into my daughter’s old bedroom , that was a wonderfull feeling , I finally had my own space out in the open . As she sorted items of clothing she started to leave a pile of items for me to check out before they were assigned to the charity shops . She was OK with me going to social meetings dressed but made it clear she didn’t want to see me , the odd thing was when I returned I would have to pass our bedroom door to get to the bathroom to clean up and she always left the door open !! I always thought she would have a quick look at my items when I wasn’t around , most women couldn’t help themselves , they’d want to know what he/she was wearing .
It’s still complicated for me even though we’re now divorced , she has seen me once but I now make it clear my door is still open to her as a friend . She knows I’ve formally changed my name but I won’t repeat her comments on that subject !
Sorry to sound cynical but I wonder sometimes if they feel they have lost someone they love or a possession . My wife recently told me I’d desserted her , I guess to make me feel guilty but in reality she rejected me , our marrige could only continue on her terms .
Teresa,
Thank you as always for your comments. By way of update, we are now more than three years from my original post. My wife is accepted a lot more of Lisa (especially given my micro dosing estrogen!). She still doesn’t wanna see me and doesn’t want to know too much about what I’m doing or what I look like are the problems that I have, but she’s sticking with me, and I have decided I can live with that, because I know she still loves me. Life is still very complicated. I would be surprised to hear from you that your life isn’t complicated as well, just in different ways. But I know you have found peace apart from your former wife. Perhaps one day she will be willing to see Teresa.
Lisa
Lisa, two words in and you’d already nailed it! I think the biggest mistake that many of us make is failing to appreciate quite how complicated the whole thing really is.
Marriages are based on one or more of a number of factors; it may be physical attraction, shared interests, intellectual compatability, convenience, support and so on. As long as the marriage endures and both parties are happy, any reason is valid. But it’s a big ask for a wife to accept that her husband may not completely be the man she thought he was, particularly when physical attraction is a strong factor in the marriage. I consider myself extremely lucky with how things turned out for me but that luck is based on Mrs A being able to completely blot out any thoughts about this side of me and live her life as if they weren’t there. That’s a compromise I’m happy to accept; it’s sometimes very hard when the urges are raging but the situation conspires against me but I’d far rather that than any other scenario.
Many of us know someone, usually in our online world, who enjoys unconditional acceptance from their wife and whose tolerance we envy but it’s a balancing act for the rest of us. I’ve often talked about the ultimatum issued to me in May 2014 which was Mrs A declaring that enough was enough but thinking back to the effort she made to accept it prior to that makes me realise how difficult it was for her. I also know that if the tables were turned and she confessed that she liked to put on a false beard, bind her chest and put some padding downstairs, my reaction would have been similar to hers.
Inevitably, there will be many disappointments in our lives as the hoped for tolerance proves elusive but as your final sentence says, even little signs of acceptance are to be cherished.
Amanda,
I would lie if I didn’t say that, I hope for greater acceptance all the time. I’ve come to realize that the chasm is just too great to expect a whole lot more. For me, that means I need to decide that what I have is sufficient. You have made that decision, and I have made that decision, but I can’t speak for anyone else who is struggling with similar issues less than anyone read into this statement of false assumption that you or I. or anyone else can “decide“ whether we will be transgender, I want to make it clear that we are only deciding how much pain we can accept within ourselves (and still survive) in order to keep something precious (our wives) in our lives.
I should add that your phrase “balancing act“ goes well with my word “complicated.“ Anyone trying to balance this life and any other life will find that it is complicated!
Lisa
Lisa,
Complicated, that’s one word to describe it.
Unfortunately I don’t have a better one.
Only the wonderful ladies of Kandi’s Land know Jocelyn. I can’t see telling people who I have known for over 60 years to understand that side of me. It would make every future encounter extremely awkward. And they don’t deserve that, and neither do I.
Life can be very shitty. Life can be very great. I have learned to live with both. The few opportunities I have to express my feminine side are fantastic. I absolutely adore the support and sharing I have with my TG friends.
Love to you dear friend.
Jocelyn
Lisa, baby steps for my wife and I is key to our relationship. As you all know I told my wife about my cross dressing well before we were married and that night she wanted to make love. I thought I had it it made but once we were married I soon found out that wasn’t the case. My wife is a staunch Catholic and could not accept me for who I was. So our baby steps took from 1973 to 2021 before she started to accept Trish. That is a lot of baby steps! The thing that she’d do that made it hard for me is every once in a while she would do a complete 180. At those times I just had to basically remind my self how far she had come and what freedoms Trish had been given. And also realize how truly difficult our journey together has been for both of us. It reminds me of a post someone put on face book a long time ago. A person was talking to an older couple one day and asked them what their secret to a long marriage was. They answered that by simply saying “back in our day when something was broken you fixed it. You didn’t throw it away”.
She will never buy Trish anything as you wife did Lisa. But she shows her acceptance in other ways. She still is not interested in meeting Trish. However I found out she had been looking at some photos of Trish as well as my son telling me that when I would go out as Trish she would watch me leave. More baby steps for my wife. I am truly blessed for what she has given me. I know how hard it has been for her which just makes it that much more special to me, Will she ever be supportive? Probably not but as the saying goes “you’ve come a long way baby”.
Hugs to you all,
Trish❤️
Trish,
Being able to look at photos of Trish is huge! That gives me hope that she may be willing to meet you in person at some point. Good communication is definitely key to any relationship, and essential to a marriage. Thankfully, I’m still married to my best friend, even if she doesn’t understand me as much as I would like. I often say a prayer of thanks for something I love about her. I do that so I won’t focus on what she can’t accept in me. It reminds me of how much I would give up if I didn’t accept that I can’t always be me.
Lisa
Jocelyn,
How wise you are when you conclude, “I have learned to live with both.”
Our lives are not solely governed by being transgendered. We each have many other challenges along life‘s journey. The sooner that we realize that there will be difficult days and great days, and that joy comes from accepting and thriving during both, the better off we will be.
I always enjoy hearing from you, my friend.
Lisa
Lisa,
As usual excellent encouraging insight. Thank you.
My first wife divorced me after 38 years of what I thought, as did so many outsiders looking in, was an wonderful marriage. During those many years I did not openly dress, did not push for the opportunity to do so, but because of the suppression and hiding, I at times became dark and moody. When she discovered the source of that moodiness she decided she could not live with a man who wanted to be a woman.
I remarried. I now have a wife who allows me to openly have my own clothes, has on her own bought me some of those clothes and some wonderful fragrances which fragrances I wear daily, has shopped with me for clothes, and who without batting an eye sees me in lady’s PJ or a nightu every morning. I have even spent almost a whole day in a skirt without issue when we two were home alone and going no where.
Recently we were out buying her a new winter jacket. When she finished she asked if I wanted to go look for something for myself. And she didn’t mean in the men’s department.
To be sure, I wanted to, but politely declined. Why? I think I did so because I am having a hard time believing, understanding, accepting that she can be so accepting and supportive of me. I have been so conditioned to believe my femme expression is wrong that I am skeptical that her acceptance and love is real.
I don’t dress with a wig, nor do I own a bra or panties. I would love to add these and heels to my femme expression. But at this point I still very much look like a man when dressed. Perhaps if I pushed for that much feminization she would push back.
I love the feminine me, because it is the real me. Charlene is really who I am on the inside. As I often times hurt deeply that I can not be more fully Charlene, I realize that should I push for that fullness that it may well create equally deep pain for my wife.
One of my responsibilities as a husband is to be the protector of my wife. So, I have decided to own my own pain to protect her from what a fuller expression of my inner womanhood might bring her.
This is not saying I won’t slowly venture toward fuller expression, but as many have noted “baby steps” on both our parts seems the best way to preserve the sanctuary of our marriage.
Complicated, difficult, balancing act; yes all of these. To be sure “easy” will never be a descriptive for we who are trans.
Kindly,
Charlene
Charlene,
I was reminded of that type of complication last night at dinner with my lovely wife. She knew I had spent the day attending a dance performance with my ballet sisters. She kindly asked me how it went. I replied honestly that I had an absolutely fantastic time. I went on to describe in some detail some of the wonderful things that happened (including one of my girlfriends telling me of a very personal new joy in her life). At that point, my wife became very sullen and she shut down emotionally for most of the evening. I sensed what was wrong and told her she really didn’t want to hear all about my day. She challenged me by saying, “but I asked you!” That is true, but what is also true is that my gender identity causes her pain. Her desire to communicate with me had its limits, and I overstepped the bounds by being too effusive and saying too much. Lesson learned. Another complication to work around!
Lisa
Hi Lisa, great to read this, it’s taken my wife almost 30 years to accept and tolerate me, she known since we first met as I thought it only fair to tell her. I’m not sure what caused everything to change , my daughter moved out and she reluctantly let me dress occasionally at home, then we went shopping together and she started picking out dresses and skirts for me, I was overwhelmed at first, she has pulled back a little as she feels it becoming a bit hoo much, I’m very thankful for where we are at and don’t want to ruin it so I have curbed my enthusiasm so to speak, my daughter also moved home so the opportunity is less. To be honest I thought she wouldn’t ever get to the point of letting me dress , little line buy me clothes, even a birthday gift one year, so I never say never anymore. I hope the baby step’s become bigger for you as it does make life easier for us. Keep the stories coming. I really appreciate reading all your experiences. Just wish I had more time!! 🙂
Chris,
We must be thankful or even the smallest gifts of acceptance from our loved ones. These gifts are not the same for each of us. Moreover, each of us has different needs, so the gifts may not be sufficient for some and maybe more than enough for others. The point is that we must communicate as best we can. We must say what our needs are, but we must not fail to listen to what her needs are.
May Santa bring you a beautiful new skirt (or give me your gift if you don’t want one!).
Lisa
Thanks Lisa! I have asked Santa for a new skirt! Merry Christmas to you and all the amazing girls here 🙂❤️
Finding acceptance from my wife has been very difficult. She does not like me doing or wearing anything of a feminine nature. It has affected my marriage in a very negative way. I know I was wrong to deceive her in the beginning and I deeply regret doing that. It has been a few years since then and she has not moved to even a small degree of acceptance. My feminine gender expression is a part of who I am and it is not something I would be willing to give up. I would be willing to not express this side of me around her, but she needs to give me some personal time to dress and enjoy being a woman.
I am happy with who I am and would just like to see some tolerance and a little acceptance from her. I will never give up hope. This would be the greatest gift my wife could give me.
Julie
Lisa, I am so happy your wife is showing a little bit of acceptance. Hopefully she will lot you express yourself more in the future. I love all the support I get from all the girls here.
Julie,
I must admit that it always hurts a little bit to hear from girls, like you, knowing that you don’t even have a wee bit of acceptance from your spouse. For your benefit, I pray that will change. If it does not, however, is important for you to know that those of us who are in your situation understand and support you.
Lisa