I’ve written here before about quite a few lifelong friends I am blessed to have. I have also written about how I really don’t wish to share this side of me with them because, even if completely accepted, things would be different. Also, I particularly don’t want them to view my wife any differently, she had nothing to do with all of this. Well, now I guess I get to find out if that is true. It was a good run…
I had been essentially in control of who knew what about me for over eleven years. No more. It was inevidible.
A few weeks ago my wife had a baby shower for our daughter and a lifelong friend (since 1980) traveled from out of town to be there. We got to chatting and then I asked her to step outside and told her about my other side. Not even sure why I did that, it just happened and was not because I got “caught” or found out otherwise. I knew she would be a person I could trust and I am getting tired of answering when asked how it’s going, by simply shrugging. I shrug because how it’s going for the person they think they know is not how it’s going for me. I am glad I did so, because keeping a secret is hard, very hard, regardless of that secret.
A week or so later, I was stationed recently at my usual post at the art museum when I got a text from someone I have known since probably 1974. Our fathers were friends. Our parents all relocated to Cleveland from the Pittsburgh area just before our births. We grew up less than a block from each other. We went to the same high school, although he is a few years my senior. Our families are friends. We have always been friends, killing many a brain cell together over the years. We have also had this sort of “fuck with each other” relationship, almost like brothers. But I was always the big brother to his little brother despite him being older than me.
Him: “Are you working at the art museum tonight?”
Note, I have told many friends of the things I do, just leaving out the details of what I am usually wearing when I do them.
Me: “👍”
Him: “[His daughter] is there.”
I can make a strong case that over 100,000 people have seen me at that museum, over a decade, with thousands and thousands of event patrons and also other guests when I volunteered there for other things. It only took one person that knew me and that finally happened.
I did not respond further on the text except to audibly curse. Me, to no one in particular: “Fu@#!”
Life went on and we actually saw each other two days later, attending a Guardians game with our significant others. Then we played pickleball about a week after and he asked me about my “Mrs. Doubtfire” evening. While the Mrs. Doubtfire reference was not appreciated (and I told him so), the proverbial cat was way out of the bag.
First, I told him to tell his daughter it was rude not to say hello (she did not come anywhere near me, as far as I could tell). And oh yeah, I fool no one and now I have proof. We had a very good chat, told him I have been this person for the entirely of our friendship, well before the ’70’s. I could tell he was not well educated on our people, but so far, no repercussions. Yet. We had a good, honest talk.
Do I think our friendship is over? Absolutely not. But I do believe I will be viewed differently and that was what I was trying to avoid. I told him how proud I was of myself and that I was in a dark place when I finally wrapped my head around all of this (2014, see the “About” page). I truly don’t know what I would have done or where I would now be had my wife reacted in the exact opposite fashion than she had. None of the joy you see here would have happened. Would I have done something I would have regretted? Likely no. But I would not be in a good mental space and probably no longer have a liver. Yeah, I drink a lot now, but without Kandi, I would be on a whiskey IV drip.
It will be different between us. Worse, no way. Better, doubtful, but very different.
Allow me to reiterate here, those that transition have my undying respect. Maybe they don’t have a real choice, but the courage to do so, ESPECIALLY in these times, is off the charts. In many respects, I am a coward.
Remember my recent post “This is Hard“? Let me remind you, this shit is really hard!
BTW, why would a cat be in a bag?
14 Responses
The one thing I do know is that if there’s any one person in the world able to turn the situation into a positive it is you.
And because it’s cooler in the bag than on that hot roof.
Especially a tin roof!
Kandi,
You are an amazing person.
Life does throw shit at us. I don’t know anyone who is better at dealing with all this, than you.
In some respects it is good that some long time friends now know the secret. Great friends will be accepting and supportive.
Here’s a “BIG HUG” from me.
Love,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, you may be the kindest person I know! I am far from amazing; I am a human being who puts her head down and plows forward.
We all have challenges, most well worse than anything I deal with. Your friendship is valuable!
In answer to your question about the “cat out of the bag”, here is a common belief referenced from Reader’s Digest.
https://www.rd.com/article/let-the-cat-out-of-the-bag-origin/
I guess my sense of humor doesn’t translate to the written word… Thanks dear!!
Kandi,
Transition does take some serious thought but at the same time it makes things easier as we have nothing to hide .
This also goes back to the point of people we think we know may have something to hide and very many do .
The question is did your friend’s daughter accidentally miss you or did she intentionally avoid you ? So this poses the question does it really matter , what difference is it going to make when you are so out in the RW anyway ? I found when I encoutered this situation it reinforced me , at the same time it also gives a better idea what people really think of you , I’m afraid you win some and lose some .
I guess your thoughts are also about your wife and will it affect her attitude towards Kandi , trying to keep separate parts of you is never going to be easy . Again it could be easier for me because people know I’ve openly made that committment , I’ve officially changed my name .
One thing for sure I would never call you a coward , Gwen talks about the cards you’re dealt I’m sure if you had a different hand you would be Kandi 100% .
Teresa, she had to see me, so she mostly likely avoided me because she was surprised and wouldn’t know what to say.
Thanks as always for sharing!
Well my friend it is a crazy world we have created for ourselves as trans girls and I truly hope this won’t cause you any emotional harm.
You know some of my story with family and yes revealing something like this that is so different is extreamly difficult
I still wish my family would have understood but I just moved on and I never mention it anymore
Hugs to you and I’m sure it will all work out
As was said you got this and don’t overthink it
Love ya Rach
I always value your input and comments, thank you Rach!
Now a question for you: what if she had come up to you at the art museum? Are you prepared for that? And I wonder if she took a picture and shared it with her dad? Sorry if I opened a can of worms.
I hope it all works out for you. You are an inspiration of what can be achieved.
I know these people better than my own family (birth family, not our family).
I always have a plausible deniability answer. I may have told her I lost a bet. Who knows?
😊
Kandi,
I’m a little late to the party but would like to a short comment. To say that the life we lead is hard is an huge understatement, as this and your prior posts demonstrate. There are so many ways in which my two lives collide, and I fully expect it will happen repeatedly, since I too live this way primarily for my wife. Whether right or wrong she would be embarrassed/horrified if some of her friends found out (even though 99% of immediate family and at least two mutual friends know and the world hasn’t stopped turning on its axis (yet!).
You do you as best you can. May we all aspire to be our best, most real selves as much as humanly possible. I think Gwen would say something like, just try and you will see the blessings that follow.
Lisa
Appreciate you always!