The Cat’s Out of The Bag

I’ve written here before about quite a few lifelong friends I am blessed to have. I have also written about how I really don’t wish to share this side of me with them because, even if completely accepted, things would be different. Also, I particularly don’t want them to view my wife any differently, she had nothing to do with all of this. Well, now I guess I get to find out if that is true. It was a good run…

I had been essentially in control of who knew what about me for over eleven years. No more. It was inevidible.

A few weeks ago my wife had a baby shower for our daughter and a lifelong friend (since 1980) traveled from out of town to be there. We got to chatting and then I asked her to step outside and told her about my other side. Not even sure why I did that, it just happened and was not because I got “caught” or found out otherwise. I knew she would be a person I could trust and I am getting tired of answering when asked how it’s going, by simply shrugging. I shrug because how it’s going for the person they think they know is not how it’s going for me. I am glad I did so, because keeping a secret is hard, very hard, regardless of that secret.

A week or so later, I was stationed recently at my usual post at the art museum when I got a text from someone I have known since probably 1974. Our fathers were friends. Our parents all relocated to Cleveland from the Pittsburgh area just before our births. We grew up less than a block from each other. We went to the same high school, although he is a few years my senior. Our families are friends. We have always been friends, killing many a brain cell together over the years. We have also had this sort of “fuck with each other” relationship, almost like brothers. But I was always the big brother to his little brother despite him being older than me.

Him: “Are you working at the art museum tonight?”

Note, I have told many friends of the things I do, just leaving out the details of what I am usually wearing when I do them.

Me: “👍”

Him: “[His daughter] is there.”

I can make a strong case that over 100,000 people have seen me at that museum, over a decade, with thousands and thousands of event patrons and also other guests when I volunteered there for other things. It only took one person that knew me and that finally happened.

I did not respond further on the text except to audibly curse. Me, to no one in particular: “Fu@#!”

Life went on and we actually saw each other two days later, attending a Guardians game with our significant others. Then we played pickleball about a week after and he asked me about my “Mrs. Doubtfire” evening. While the Mrs. Doubtfire reference was not appreciated (and I told him so), the proverbial cat was way out of the bag.

First, I told him to tell his daughter it was rude not to say hello (she did not come anywhere near me, as far as I could tell). And oh yeah, I fool no one and now I have proof. We had a very good chat, told him I have been this person for the entirely of our friendship, well before the ’70’s. I could tell he was not well educated on our people, but so far, no repercussions. Yet. We had a good, honest talk.

Do I think our friendship is over? Absolutely not. But I do believe I will be viewed differently and that was what I was trying to avoid. I told him how proud I was of myself and that I was in a dark place when I finally wrapped my head around all of this (2014, see the “About” page). I truly don’t know what I would have done or where I would now be had my wife reacted in the exact opposite fashion than she had. None of the joy you see here would have happened. Would I have done something I would have regretted? Likely no. But I would not be in a good mental space and probably no longer have a liver. Yeah, I drink a lot now, but without Kandi, I would be on a whiskey IV drip.

It will be different between us. Worse, no way. Better, doubtful, but very different.

Allow me to reiterate here, those that transition have my undying respect. Maybe they don’t have a real choice, but the courage to do so, ESPECIALLY in these times, is off the charts. In many respects, I am a coward.

Remember my recent post “This is Hard“? Let me remind you, this shit is really hard!

BTW, why would a cat be in a bag?