Spoiler alert if you read Out Part 1 – I’m clearly not in hiding!
We had just finished the makeup and we were sorting the wigs. We being me and my new MUA (let’s call her E for brevity), who had just about finished the first ever complete makeover on Maddie without me doing any part of it. At that exact moment a message arrived on my phone –
Have an awesome day my darling. I’m so proud of you for being true to yourself and seeing what you can achieve. You have my full support and love for everything you do. 
I love you so much baby xxxxxxxx
That’s the sort of thing that can bring tears to your eyes, not a good thing while the lashes are drying, and the final bit of proof to back up my claim from part one – I have the most supportive wife in the world!
E and I had already had an awesome morning to that point. I had high hopes for this day and talking about it afterwards I realised, but probably didn’t want to admit, that I was at a crossroads. Let me explain that.
My ‘problem’ is that I’m not gay, trans, bi or any other variation. I’m 100% hetero male and, if necessary, I could put expression of the Maddie side of me back into the box if it was required. I wouldn’t want to (and after yesterday it is forever almost impossible, but I still could) but it is, in expression, less than 1% of my time although in the background she is there 100% of the time in a parallel world. Yeah, I know none of that makes sense, but I also know most of you understand. I still love the description, two-spirit. That’s me.
So, look away now if you don’t want to hear my opinion on that other ‘P’ word. The simple fact is that all I want out of this is the ability to go out with the girls, be unnoticed and at the same time be one of the girls in every way except the obvious physical ones. And that, ladies, sorry, means passing for me. But what really is passing? I don’t have petite fingers, but I can disguise them to a point, and let’s not talk shoulders and arms, but I can cover them. There’s a lot of weight reduction going on for both of us in this house at the moment, so call that a work in progress. I’m lucky enough to have great legs, and they would be even if I was 20 years younger.
Which leaves the face. My desire has been to get a look that doesn’t create any attention of the unwanted kind, and that all but the most astute, with a normal glance, would see as anything other than just another woman walking past.
I have been close to getting that but not close enough for me to go the next step. And thus, the crossroads – what would happen if the results were less than I hoped for? Would that be the end of any chance for Maddie to step out?
But I can officially say that yesterday we did reach the level I hoped for, and Maddie’s look was officially born.
I love my current MUA but I also wanted to look elsewhere to see what could be done and get another perspective. In part one I mentioned E’s response when I contacted her. She was clearly my girl. But even more, seeing her before and afters on Instagram just blew my mind. My hopes for her were bordering on unreasonable!
So, here we were, makeup almost done, (there were tweaks E wanted to make after the wig was fitted), and as I looked in the mirror, I just couldn’t see it being right – different contouring, super long lashes, a completely different lip colour but awesome new foundation. And I knew that this really was the moment …
I put the wig on, and E brushed it into place. Then I looked in the mirror. If I was a teenage girl I would have screamed, jumped up and down, screamed again and probably messaged everyone in the world. But instead, I grabbed E and gave her the biggest hug and was briefly rendered speechless. And I know that all sounds like exaggeration, but it’s not. There, in the mirror, was Maddie, and no sign of my male self. She was completely passable in looks and in that moment, Maddie was officially born. I think E got a second hug! Also, at that moment I knew it was possible to create the illusion – real, natural, passable and able to meet the world.
That gorgeous wife of mine had been at pains to make sure I didn’t feel pressured at any stage to push things past my comfort zone. However, that wasn’t going to happen as E was also checking my comfort level. She was having as much fun as me, I mean who else would have gone out shopping the previous day to buy a wig just because she thought it might work on me!
But, I already had a benchmark – I’d previously decided that if I saw the finished version and I would be happy to let E put the images on her social media (after, not before) then I was ready. So, to her polite enquiry about whether we were going out for coffee, the answer was, hell yeah!!!
We drove to the local shopping centre and she checked how I was feeling before we left the car. I have to give E full marks for encouragement; she said I looked just like one of her regular clients.
The coffee shop was closed. Who want’s to be in hospitality … so we walked to another just down the road. No one gave me a second glance. The guy seated at the doorway looked up but gave no indication that anything was amiss. I sat down while E ordered. I deliberately sat where I had to look at everyone coming in and they could see me. Wasn’t I brave. And you know what, no one looked. People leaving the café walked past and saw but didn’t look. I was in (guarded) heaven. After all, this was the pinnacle I had aimed for and here I was planting the flag on top. (As an aside, I sat on Sir Ed’s lounge floor one day, drinking tea, and eating scones with him and Lady Hillary, being regaled by his Everest stories. That was another of the best days of my life).
Of course there was one problem – the voice. I kept chat down all the while realising that I now must start seriously working on that. But I got through it. And then E said let’s go shopping! I was really starting to love this woman!
We walked down the road to a Salvation Army thrift shop. E was in her element the moment she was in the door. Actually, that isn’t true – she had already spotted shoes in the window! Her mission was to find things for Maddie, and God love her, she kept finding size 10 and 12 items! She handed me a top and told me to try it on. I didn’t even hesitate; straight to the changing room! No chance it would fit though. I took longer than I should have because I still couldn’t believe what I was seeing in the mirror. E found another top (same problem) but while I was trying to get that size 12 off a size 18 body, a dress suddenly appeared over the top of the cubicle. She nailed it! Her fashion judgement was right on point with everything she suggested. Sizing not so much …
So now there was another issue – I had a dress to pay for. Did the sales girl read me? If she did there wasn’t a flicker of it. Mind you, I think thank you was all I said. She would have had to look past my frenched nails to read me anyway, as the face and top was completely feminine.
I walked out of the shop with E, past the tradesmen lined up to get their lunch, across two zebra crossings and back to the car, without a single inquiring look.
Back at E’s studio we had time for an outfit change before I had to pack up ahead of her next client. The original plan had been to remove everything at her place, as there were tradesmen working on our house, so the option of a photo session at home had to be shelved. But… I couldn’t bear to do that. Instead, I made the call to leave dressed and made up, after E fixed the makeup back to pristine.
I had to fill in a few hours in the heat, but it gave me time to reorganise the plans. I was supposed to be at a meeting that morning that also included my BFF (we work together, and she is my photographer) but I wasn’t changing the makeup booking! My BFF had yet to meet Maddie in person so as it worked out, we were able to organise for her to come around home after work to do so, and to have a drink. My darling said she was also happy to see me still dressed (if by chance you read my first ever contribution to this blog, you’ll know why I asked that question), so once everyone left the house, thank goodness for security cameras, I was able to sneak home and cool down while I waited.
Both meetings were awesome, and they were each blown away by how great Maddie looked. N agreed that we had indeed reached the level I was looking for and she’d have no problem going out in public with me. It was interesting as we talked, both saw me as Maddie and completely separate to husband/workmate/rock musician/bearded one. My BFF took some great photos while she was there.
By the time drinks were over I’d been in heels for at least 10 hours. I could have gone longer but it was great to remove the shapewear! By the time I reluctantly removed the makeup, 12 hours had gone past, seemingly in a flash.
Before I write another 1000 excited words I’d better stop. Here’s what I learnt –
I can do this!
I can pass! Sorry to those that offends, but using the measure of being in a group and walking freely without creating any untoward looks, yes, I can now completely blend in…
I can’t pass if I open my mouth. I need to see that as the next work on.
I loved it!
Use a talented professional if you want fast results.
Use a great photographer – to be honest some of the images don’t show Maddie looking as good as she did in reality. Selfies and images in front of mirrors always make the hands and arms look out of proportion. And the wrong head angle can emphasize male features. But hey, you already know this. A skilled person will emphasize the positives though, and if Kandi has run any of the images with black backgrounds you will see that.
Sometimes it’s the subtle things – a few strands of hair placed correctly change everything.
Spend time with awesome people. I have four amazing women who will protect and nurture me.
Enjoy every moment!
The next plan is another lesson – we will use N as a model and the MUA and I will do one side each. Think that should be as Maddie though …
But now I want to go out again. After work drinks? I have the perfect black dress and heels that I love and I’m sure they would let me blend in with a group. Time to start planning a girl’s night out …
Now for some voice work. Any suggestions?
17 Responses
Melanie Anne Phillips created VHS and CDs, yes both media now outdated. Her name still can be found online such as http://www.tgmeds.org.uk/developing-a-female-voice.htm which lists her 7 tools. A good place to start.
Thanks Jane. That link didn’t work but a quick search found her, so I’ll follow up on that.
Maddie, you look amazing, I’m so happy for you to see yourself as blending, as that is truly the goal to which we should aspire.
Thanks Tina. Absolutely that was the goal. It was interesting because I deliberately placed myself in the line of fire, twice actually, once by sitting in the most visible part of the cafe, and second, walking amongst a shop full of people of all ages and genders. And while I was really, really looking for reactions, there just weren’t any. That was a pleasant surprise. And while I have no illusions that I could be read if someone knew what to look for, I always think back to an incident I had with my darling. We were at a market and we dealt with a salesperson who was clearly trans, and the only way that could have been more obvious was if they had flashing neon signs advising the fact. Yet N, the most astute woman I know, didn’t pick that up until I pointed it out. Which tells me that we are all much, much more concerned about making sure every i is dotted and t crossed to avoid being obvious, while the masses often only see something pointed out to them. I must try to remember that as I scan the room next time … Of course wouldn’t it be wonderful to be Kandi who clearly just loves being herself! I think that is the gold standard.
Maddie ,
They can be unbelievable moments , is that really me in the mirror is it all too much at once ? Sometimes there is no in between , you’ve got the look right so why not take the next step , those first few moments are like jumping in at the deep end with nothing to hold onto , will you float ??
What does it really mean to pass ? You’re beyond the point of MIAD ( man in a dress ) but what happens when you try to interact ? Perhaps take a step back and do some people (women) watching , they’re not all page 3 models , some have more defined male traits than you .
A story from just today . I recently cut out an old hawthorn hedge in my garden and yes my neighbour did hear me using my chain saw when I thought she was out . Now I”m gradually chopping the hedge up into small pieces to take to the recycle centre , I have six Wham buckets which just fit in my car so they’re a manageable weight to carry . I carried the first one the recycle bins but had to wait while they compressed the contents , so I returned to fetch more from my car only to find a man had followed me to take the bins from me , not only that another kind man had emptied my first bin in the recycle bin . So I had two perfect strangers helping me , what was I wearing ? A fairly tight Tshirt , faded jeans , I still had makeup on from my morning shopping trip but had swapped to an older wig because of the work I was doing , did I PASS ? Men sometimes just see the basics , a blond with a hint of lipstick , wearing a tight top outling her boobs and yes I did speak to thank them and have a joke with them .
Most days are like this , no questions asked , do I have fun ? You bet I do !!
Thanks Teresa. I should say first that I always read your comments, even though I don’t often add mine, and your advice is always on the money. I think the reply I just added to Tina parallels what you wrote.
I’ve just had a break from work for a few minutes to try out the combination for the next round, which is the week after Easter. I’m actually going to use the dress that the MUA got me to buy during our shopping trip. It works! I just sorted the accessories and nail colours and I know it will be another outfit that lets me blend. That said, this time it will be nice to wear a dress and slightly higher heels.
The big difference this time will be having my wife with me. I’d consider that a big step and definitely there will be interacting having three of us there. And of course there is always the risk of running into someone we know … But it’s another essential step if I want to enjoy this side of me in public. And incredible support from N … It will be a big step.
But the unexpected part of this was my need to get Maddie even better. I should have realised that would happen … So I’ve finally spent some money on quality shapewear out of the US (before it is tariffed out of existence as it is probably made outside the country), I’ve just spotted some perfect heels on half price special that I know I will be able to wear for hours, and I’ve just invested the GDP of a small country into pro-level skin care. The before and after changes from what I’ve achieved myself are remarkable I think, and this will take things next level. Vanity? Nah, not for someone who is more ZZ Top than Maddie in real life. Rather, I have a much younger wife and she looks much younger than her age. I just want to meet her in the middle at some point! But more importantly, dry makeup in eye creases is just horrible – something I didn’t even have to think about 4 years ago! So the fine lines and colour spots have to go!
Maddie,
Meeting someone you and your wife know could be tricky as they will obviously recognise her but wonder who you are , the question is would it be better if you were by yourself ? but at the same time it’s great to her support and the MUA .
I’ll never forget shopping in a large out of town store ( Downtown) when I saw a near neighbour walking straight towards me , it was too late to change direction and she passed within touching distance without a second glance , I sneaked a quick look over my shoulder but she was too intent on doing some shopping too even notice me . Lets not forget people you know aren’t expecting to see you dressed as Maddie , I can’t believe the times I’ve had to spell it out to old friends before the penny drops !
Hi Teresa. That must make you feel so good!!!
My darling was insistent that she wasn’t coming out with me on my first foray. That was nothing to do with her not wanting to be there, rather it was everything to do with me having the best opportunity to enjoy it without anything, like people we know, impacting on that. She is an astute woman. Conversely she is completely on board for our makeover and outing in 2 weeks and looking forward to it. As they say I will just have to HTFU if I want to do this and accept that there is no progress without some risk. And the good thing is that there is zero part of male me left in Maddie’s look so it is only by association that I could be be found out that way, and I’ll just have to manage that particular risk. A funny thing though; in the post I mentioned having a couple of hours to fill in. I ended up sitting in my vehicle in a nearby park in the shade. I kind of did and kind of didn’t interact with anyone – there were enough people walking past and pulling up beside me that I saw and was seen. At one stage I thought I was going to have to intervene in a couple’s argument, taking place right in front of my windscreen, if it had escalated any further (that would have been interesting …) The plan was to go to a movie to fill in the time but by the time I’d made arrangements for the rest of the day it was too late. I badly wanted to go shopping, but that would have meant my local mall and the problem was the last outfit change was to the silver dress I’m wearing in my new profile pic. I love it, the MUA said it was my best look, but really it wasn’t suitable for blending in, in a mall, in the height of summer, in the middle of the day. So i didn’t. I feel that was a case of the right call rather than an opportunity missed. I just have to be sensible about this … At the moment I feel I need my wing-women in attendance, and anyway, that is the best fun!
Hi Maddie ,
I feel you’ve got most problems covered so it should go OK so just enjoy your time out as Maddie .
As for taking in a film I’ve done it a few times , the last was a matinee performance of Oppenheimer , I enjoyed it but I didn’t realise how long it was . Even wearing my wedges I staggered out as my legs had totally gone to sleep !
Maddie, I was so intrigued to read both parts of your story. Obviously, you had a fabulous time and you look great. I had a MUA here in Ontario who incidentally has moved back to the UK, and she gave me so much confidence and help in going out as Donna. I have had good MUAs since but nothing like her. Congratulations, and I hope you write again soon.
Donna
Thank you Donna. I’ve been so lucky to have 2 who have been awesome. I think if there was any one thing I’d tell someone to do it would be to find a good one you can be friends with and that you trust. As you say, it’s all about the confidence. Plus for me I’ve just found makeup to be something I really enjoy. I offered to be my MUA’s apprentice. I was only partly joking! I even made changes for my wife to her makeup before a wedding recently. And even for our own wedding I made changes to her colours and contouring after the test makeup had been on for a few hours, which the MUA then used. But so much harder to do on myself … I hope life is well across the border (it is still a border, right?) Everything happening in your part of the world resonates just as much 7000 miles to your south and, I presume, everywhere in between … It might be a good time to go on a shopping spree, especially this far south with the cost of freight. Well that’s my excuse anyway …
Hi Maddie,
I have had only one complete makeover by a MUA, and she did a fantastic job. It was for Halloween 2024 (and it’s post here). I walked past a colleague and he did know who I was until I walked into my office. I have had several partial makeovers, but this was the only complete makeover. And I wore it for at least 12 hours that day.
I also really enjoy makeup. I have more than twice the makeup that my Ex has or ever had and more tools. Don’t slack on the tools, they are extremely important and can make all the difference.
At times I will wear a little mascara, shadow, and concealer to work (in ‘male’ mode).
I also love my nails. You got to have good nails when en femme.
Cali
PS You hit the wife jackpot!
I certainly won the lottery Cali …
I didn’t think I’d missed any posts on Kandi’s but some how I missed that series from you. Your clearly had fun!
Nails are my kryptonite. I permanently have them clear gelled. Usually I have a polish over that. I have a couple of colours I use that women will notice by guys never do. Well, apart from the gay guy in the mobile phone shop one day …
But going together with N to get our nails done has now become a thing!
No question, hooked on makeup now too. I’ve had great success on colours for N, and mine continues to evolve.
Now if I could just figure out how to place false lashes while wearing glasses …. (and yes, tried those half ones made for the job but with limited success …)
I need acrylic nails because of damage nails. I have had acrylic with gels for about 10 years (also see my nail post). I’ve done it all…thinking about cat’s eye for tomorrow.
I had fake eye lashes put on several times but I have not master doing it myself. I have the magnetic eyelashes but haven’t try them yet. I don’t need them (false eyelashes) when I use the MAC stackable mascara. I gave a friend a ‘sampler’ with lipstick, mascara, and (?) for her 70th bd. She doesn’t use much makeup but loved the mascara and lipstick. You should give it a try.
I hear you, and I’ve tried mascara, mascara with fibres, magnetic lashes, and glue-on lashes, with and without mascara.
For me the bottom line is glue-on lashes. It’s like magic when they are added well. Almost as powerful as that moment you place the wig. Arguably they are the simplest option, it’s just a case of sticking them on in the right place as you start, and at the optimum drying point. I’ve failed miserably with magnetics. Although to be completely fair to all the options, I really am working with a small sample size … But it’s fun to practice! I’ll check that MAC option although I think it is what my first artist used the first time on me as she originally worked for them.
Maddie,
I’ve been wearing nail polish for six years but I’ve had to give it a rest as my nails need time to recover . I’ve tried all the products that are supposed to nourish and protect but all nails need is fresh air .
I’m very basic with my mascara , again I’ve tried brands from across the price range but find Rimmel Shake really long lasting and safe , I’m not sure if it’s still available in store so I usually buy several at a time to get a quantity discount online . Never tried glue on because I don’t have any problems applying normal mascara everyday .
Hi Teresa,
N uses builder gel, which strengthens the natural nails and makes them grow even better. Every few months she will leave it off for a week or two, but the fact is she has no nail problems any more. They can still be tipped if required, but acrylics and the damage they did are a thing of the past for her. For me it’s just a clear gel which I can add polish over. And on Maddie days the stick-ons are the go-to. For me though it’s about disguise / fast removal. It would be nice not to have to think that way!
Shake seems to be discontinued. It doesn’t show on the Rimmel website. Down here a few places list it (not the mainstream ones) and say out of stock. Others I’ve looked at say last units.
As for glue-on lashes, well as I say it was magic the first time they were placed on me so now I’m hooked completely. One makeup artist then used mascara on both real and false to combine them, one just left untouched. Both worked. Possibly more to do with the shape of the lashes. However both spent lots of time curling properly before fitting and that also happened when they’ve just done mascara.
I don’t think there is a wrong answer, however for very part time Maddie it is so much easier to pop off a glued lash than scrub the hell out of mascara, and then there always seem to be black spots for a couple of days!
I certainly don’t claim any expertise in either area but I’m having a hell of a lot of fun learning!