Sometimes I find myself daydreaming about the life I might have lived if I’d found Gwen—my second self, some may say my true self—at an earlier age. It’s a beautiful fantasy, imagining what might have been if I’d known her at 19 instead of at 59: all those years lived authentically, all the milestones from another perspective, perhaps an easier road. But as lovely as that dream is, it lives in my heart as just that—a fantasy.
The truth is, I believe God spent a little extra care in shaping my path. I needed to walk a while authenticity as a boy before I was ready to bring Gwen into the world. I never felt like a woman trspped in the wong body thats just how I feel personally. I know plenty who’ve felt the total opposite. It’s right for them and I’m cool with that.
Those years, no matter how challenging they may have been, were supposed to happen to me. They molded me into the person I am today. They gave me perspective, resilience, compassion, and a deep appreciation for my own authenticity. I never hated being a boy. In fact, I wasn’t aware of Gwen until age 59 but it was all for my greater good.
Would my story be different if things had happened sooner? Of course. But I also know that every experience, every challenge, and every lesson along the way played a part in shaping the woman I am now. I truly wouldn’t trade my journey for another, because it brought me to here—and that’s a place I’m finally grateful to be.
If you find yourself walking a winding path, or wishing you’d found yourself sooner, know that every step—no matter how delayed it feels—has value. Each moment is a stone in the mosaic of your life, making you wondrously unique. Be patient with yourself, honor where you’ve been, and trust that you’re right where you need to be.
We all become ourselves in our own time. If you’re on this journey too, you’re not alone. Sending love and encouragement to live your own truth, no matter when it arrives. 💜
Dr. Gwen Patrone
*If you’re not religious or don’t have a spiritual bone in your body, focus on the message.
3 Responses
Gwen,
I’m sure many of us consider what might have been , would one life have been better than the other ? We can only answer that in hindsight .
What I personally don’t regret is being married so we could have children but again when we marry young and possibly no more than children ourselves having a family was a scary possibility .
No matter which way our life shapes up we have so much to learn and again sharing that with a partner or wife is something humans need to experience . How to deal with the highs and lows , how we need someone when we’re low or how much we can find the strength to support others .
Did I hate being a boy ? I do feel boys are more stereotyped , sometimes our expectations are set in stone , we have to hide so much and act out what is expected of us . Did I tend to do the same to my son ? I guess I did because I was always covering my own tracks fearing the truth and knowing I risked losing all the masculinity that had been imposed on me .
Do I have any regrets now ? Simple answer NO because the truth should always win , we are cheating ourselves if we deny it .
After all these years you finally realise life is a great leveller , most situations have a way of working themselves out and most of our fears aren’t real they only reside in our heads . Humans are only human so we do make mistakes but the great thing is we learn from them and hopefully we learn forgiveness for other people’s mistakes .
That line about not hating boyhood really hit something I haven’t quite put into words yet. I didn’t feel trapped either—I just didn’t know what was missing. And I totally get that feeling of finding her later and realizing… maybe it had to be this way. It’s not always about regret. Sometimes it’s just about finally seeing the full picture.
I am 76 and realized I was different when I was 13 or 14. I also knew I couldn’t tell anyone. My times that I semi dressed were far and in between. When I was 19 I went to Vietnam after volunteering my draft. I was in my 10th month in country I planned to go to Tapaei on R&R and have a prostitute dress me as a woman. The night before I was supposed to go I was injured and was flown to Japan a few days later. A few months later I was discharged and met my future wife. About 6 or 7 yrs after we married I went to Lee Brewster and that was the beginning of Terri.