Gender Envy – It’s A Thing!

My Point of View by Kris Burton
The huge bull elephant affectionately nuzzles his prospective mate – but will she choose him?

Since starting my journey into active crossdressing four years ago I have noticed that we crossdressers seem to have a fascination in why we do what we do. Theories abound: Is it in our genes?  Something in our upbringing? Some event during our formative years?  Pure escapism? At first, I chose to not dwell too much on these, not wanting to diminish my newfound exhilaration and simply enjoy the ride. However, my curiosity got the better of me and down that rabbit hole I went.  Why, at 69, would I begin a journey which most started as a child or teenager and – not to complain of course – why do I find it so psychologically beneficial, freeing and satisfying?  Almost against my will I found I desired to understand my motivations. Why had this issue not come up before now, even after years of being in and out of therapy? Was I dissatisfied with my life as a man? Was gender dysphoria the cause?  Was I gay or bisexual? Did I desire transition? Was I in denial of all these things? Although my exuberance for crossdressing was not compromised, I began a search for answers.

Direction began to take shape from what seemed like a completely unrelated source. I was watching a nature program about elephants and how they relate to one another.  My focus was taken by the section which delved into their mating habits. It seems that when the female elephant is in season, she has many male “suitors” from her own herd and others. It is she who decides which of those will be her mate. This obviously causes a lot of conflict between the males as they vie for dominance and her attention. The female though is the ultimate decider and, in the end, the rejected males must go their own way.  This struck a chord with me as I thought to myself “Hmmm… I can relate to this”!

Now, I know as much about human psychology as I do about elephant mating habits, but I know I am no alpha male. In my formative years I was not shy and decidedly interested in the opposite gender but the notion of approaching someone was totally foreign and intimidating. I feared I would end up much like the rejected, humiliated elephants of the video. Hence, I avoided the situation entirely and not surprisingly grew more isolated and withdrawn. I was missing a lot, and I knew it. Now I know most GGs would not agree with my assessment, but how  much better the woman’s situation seemed to me. How I wished to have what I perceived to be the power that the girls and women I knew seemed to have – the ability to attract attention and choose with whom she became involved, sending those undesired on their way.

In short, I envied women. I envied what I perceived as a gender advantage and more suited to my personality – to be the pursued rather than the pursuer.

This simple act of self-admission and honesty – which I couldn’t or was too embarrassed to put into words in any therapeutic environment – was a veritable “light bulb” moment for me. Desiring to delve deeper into my pursuit of understanding I naturally sought out that modern source of all human knowledge – You Tube. In online and personal discussion with my CD/TG peers I had heard “Gender Envy” spoken of and bandied about, so it seemed a good starting point.  My first find was a video entitled “What is Gender Envy – Its Influence on Relationships and Self”.  It defines that “Gender Envy is a longing for the roles, privileges or perceived advantages linked to another gender.” For me that really hit home and did not sound antisocial, kinky or life altering, so I knew I was on the right track

Thankfully I found out that “Gender Envy” is not a clinical term and my quest would not be trapped in a cycle between what felt like term paper research and therapy. As it turns out the term is used in transgender and non-binary communities to describe feelings of admiration of real or perceived gender traits other than one’s own.  It’s not something you suffer from but more of a point of view. That I could deal with.

At the park, hoping to assimilate some of that female allure and power

However, I needed to come to grips with the notion of being “envious”. Envy, after all, is one of the seven deadly sins – to be avoided or at least buried deep within one’s psyche.   I believe this negative connotation is likely the reason why I could never articulate this before – even to myself.  As my reading (and watching) continued I was relieved to discover that this kind of envy can yield a positive feeling – in this case a recognition of someone’s gender expression that you admire, find appealing and/or inspires you.  It was my admiration of these perceived qualities that made me wish to be able to take them on myself – which through crossdressing is what I eventually did. It just took a while for it to dawn on me as a possibility.

Looking back, it’s no wonder that when I finally donned a silky kimono and high heels that a wave of euphoria would overtake me. Wearing feminine clothing effectively gave me entry into a realm where I could play out what I considered a more desirable role and live out a fantasy. Were I a younger person less secure with my own gender identity I might have been very confused.  I can see where it might have led me to believe that I was suffering from gender dysphoria with all its clinical implications and transition was my only recourse. Fortunately, I now know that gender dysphoria is related to the mismatch between one’s biological sex and gender identity, whereas gender envy – although possibly connected for some – is more about the desire to take on aspects or perceived aspects of another gender without necessarily becoming that gender.

I am and have always been completely comfortable with the fact that I am a heterosexual male.  However, through the power of imagination I have created a female persona so that I might experience an aspect of feminine allure and strive to present that femininity as attractively as I can. If I find myself attractive it is my hope that others might also. I feel this way not because I am attracted to myself but with each door held, compliment given on my outfit or photo, smiling glance or addressed as “ma’am” while having a door held for me, I experience some measure of that   uniquely   feminine vibe of being the object of admiration and pursuit – and it feels wonderful! 

At the end of the day, I think it’s safe to conclude that for me the concept of “Gender Envy” is not only a real thing but plays no small role in the development of my CD identity – and a very positive one at that. I cannot go back in time with the wisdom of hindsight and shake some sense into my naïve, brooding self – correcting the issues that led to my feelings of social inadequacy. However, with the assistance my feminine alter ego, some pretty outfits and a lot of imagination I can look forward to experiencing some of the elusive qualities of femininity that I so covet. In a word I get to feel – I can finally admit it   – sexy! Understanding the truth of my motivations and acceptance of same   has proven for me to be an effective self-therapy and I am the better, more well- adjusted person for it.

Now, to get that shopping thing under control.

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11 Responses

  1. Kris, that was a fantastic post and I’d go as far as to say that it’s one of the best I’ve ever read here.

    You’re right about the preoccupation with ‘why?’. I guess that, deep down, we are looking for justification for what we do because, not to put too fine a point on it, it’s not exactly ‘manly’ to want to completely transform ourselves in this way. I have to say that I’ve never thought of it in terms of envy before but having read through your post a couple of times, I think there’s a huge amount of merit in what you suggest and I can certainly relate to it.

    In many respects, it’s a shame that the word envy has negative connotations as it’s a major driving force in life – we see what others have and want similar for ourselves. It can motivate us to climb the career ladder or to jump off the ladder for a simpler life and so on. In fact, I was brought up to interpret envy as benign unlike its more sinister evil twin jealousy, which embodied a hatred of others for what they have and possibly a desire to deprive them of it, but the dictionaries don’t seem to make that distinction. I certainly have no problem in admitting to envy of women, or to be more precise, envy of certain aspects of their life because, as you rightly point out, they also have a lot to contend with.

    What I particularly like about the whole envy thing is that it enables detachment from dysphoria. I’ve always felt uncomfortable using self-diagnosed GD, strictly speaking a debilitating psychological condition, to explain away CDing – in the end it runs the risk of trivialising the condition and diverting attention away from genuine sufferers. The big question, though, is whether to admit to envy is socially acceptable, in particular if it detracts from the need for acceptance which is fundamental to any of us who go into the outside world. Would the natural empathy that women feel for us diminish if we admit that our envy of certain aspects of their world is at the root of all of this?

    Whatever the reality is, I think you’ve raised a very important issue here. We can debate whether this side of us was set in stone at the point of conception, the result of something happening during our gestation, developed as we grew up or whatever but we never get any closer to resolution. What none of those theories explain is why we can feel comfortable with who we are and yet, on a certain day, feel an overwhelming need to display a normally hidden side of ourselves but I think that your post goes a long way towards providing a coherent explanation.

    1. So glad you liked the article Amanda – and I like your spin on it as well!

      I’m sure my definition of the word “envy” entered into my limited success in therapy. I couldn’t admit that i felt it, especially in regard to my feelings in the social/sexual realm. I couldn’t admit that i envied what i perceived as a woman’s power! It really wasn’t until I came to grips with this emotion – which I did on my own – that i started to feel better and my Kris persona emerged unencumbered, almost an answer to my feelings of social ineptitude. I also like your analogy of “envy” and “jealousy” as good/evil twins – and how we need to make a distinction between those two.

      Best,
      Kris

  2. Kris,
    This is a wonderful post. It gave me so much to think about. It also gave me a great explanation to why I love being “me”.

    I too, at age 69, took my first steps of self feminization. I did crossdressing for a few years in my thirties, but not until age 69 did my need/envy become so strong.

    I never really jumped into the rabbit hole to find out why. I just accepted who I was, or wanted to be. Presenting myself as a woman while out in public felt natural and comforting. I gave myself permission to be who I am.

    Thank you so much for your insight. And I love the photos of yourself. You look comfortable and beautiful. No wonder men open doors for you.

    Jocelyn

    1. So glad you liked the post Jocelyn! interesting we both started our CD journey at the same age. When I first began I thought my age would make me something of an outlier in this community; turns out that’s not the case at all. I was not much interested in the reason why I was doing this in the beginning either, but my curiosity got the better of me. Looking back I’m glad it did as it enriched the whole CD experience for me – better than any previous therapy had been. I’m more comfortable in my own skin maybe more than ever.
      And I’m so glad you like the pics too – you are very kind!
      Best,
      Kris

  3. Kris,
    The fact that the dressing need was overtaking all other feelings , for my own sake and that of my family I needed an explanation . Again I’m going to suggest we treat the term ” crossdressing ” as a verb rather than a noun . To say I’m a crossdresser without explanation is ver little use when trying to come to terms with it but to say I crossdress because caqn lead to an explanation . I’ll come back to your “gender envy ” thoughts in a moment and consider gender dysphoria . I know some hate the term because it implies something that they feel doesn’t describe them ( as Amanda comments ) but I discovered from counselling that ther are degrees of GD . Some are quite satisfied with intervals of CDing while others have a desparate need to change the situation with hormones and/or surgery .
    Do I envy women ? To a point yes but I will add I dislike being male even more , lets not fprget women will also suffer gender envy over men , which is an alien thought to most of us .
    The other point you raise is do I want to be the pursuer or the pursued ? I wasn’t an alpha male but still liked the intrigue of a relationship , sometimes it might have been the girl that made the first move , I guess that’s where humans differ from most other creatures , we play more ( mind ) games with each other . Lets face it CDing/transgender is very much a mind game our brain plays with us . I admit at first as a young boy I hated what it was doing to me , the highs it gave and then the low of guilt and shame , at 8-9 I was too young to understand what was going on , GD at that age can be devastating .

    We can play around with labels but may never know all the answers why we have the need , I just accept we are born this way and also realise we will end our days feeling the same way , no one can change that as much as they try !

    1. Hi Teresa:
      I’m glad you found my article thought provoking. I agree with you that labels are often misleading and are merely an attempt by us to classify persons by certain traits, but for me coming to an understanding of why I crossdress has enriched the experience. I also believe that may be another way I lucked out in coming to the crossdressing activity later in life. In my maturity i have not been encumbered by discomfort or doubts in my gender – I was quite secure in that and still am – or caught in the guilt shame cycle that still plagues so many of us into adulthood.
      With my understanding of how gender envy affected me in the past and how i have come to grips with it now has helped me as much as any therapy has. I hope you have reached a similar conclusion in your way.
      Best,
      Kris

  4. There’s something really powerful in how you framed gender envy. Not as a symptom or a problem to fix, but as a lens for understanding yourself more honestly. That shift matters. It’s something I’ve struggled to articulate in my own writing, but you nailed it here.

    What stood out most was the way you tied it to agency. The idea of wanting to be the one who gets to choose, to attract, to be admired. That’s such a relatable kind of envy, especially for those of us who never saw ourselves in the alpha male mold to begin with. It’s not about rejecting masculinity out of shame. It’s about recognizing that femininity held something that fit better. And for some of us, it just took longer to realize that.

    I’ve written about gender envy before too. Cheerleaders were a big one for me. And while my story is different, the core emotion is the same. Admiration that slowly turned into self-recognition. (https://www.betweengenders.com/gender-envy-vs-attraction-i-wanted-to-be-a-cheerleader/)

    1. Hi Michelle:
      I’m glad you liked my article and take on the “Gender Envy” question. I read yours too and it certainly looks like we are on the same page. I agree with you when you say that for those of us that address this it is not about a rejection of masculinity but rather adopting at least some portion of perceived femininity that fit better. For me that was the role that I perceived women having in the social dynamic. Since I cant go back in time (nor would particularly want to) and correct my social fears and my connected fear of rejection taking on the female role through crossdressing, if only in my imagination, and experiencing some measure of the power that i perceive women having has helped me immensely.
      Ah, when the therapeutic community catches on to what we have discovered! 🙂
      Best,
      Kris

  5. Envy. A very powerful motivating force. I know I envied the fact that women could do things that were tabu for a man. I envied some of the outfits that women could wear. That I wished I could wear as well.
    About 12 years ago I decided why not stop the envy of others and become the one being envied. Now women envy my nails, my heels and many of my outfits (they have told me so). And I enjoy it, I enjoy being envied. And I still envy many things that women can do.

    1. Hi Cali:
      So glad you can relate to my article! To be sure the admiration of the outfits is a part of that envy for me too – and it strikes me as so much more mentally healthy to become one of the envied – if only for a limited time in your imagination – than to become resentful of an individual or group that is admired. It took me a long time to realize that i envied my wife for these things- it sounded so negative- but the kind of envy i had was one of admiration that would eventually lead to taking on so many of her traits.
      It’s no wonder so much of my CD wardrobe is like hers! 🙂
      Best,
      Kris

  6. Kris,

    That was a well written and well thought out post. It’s always interesting to hear people’s take on why they crossdress.

    During the many decades of my closeted crossdressing, I often wondered why and wondered what the heck was wrong with me. It was only after going out in public for the first time at age 71, and deciding to live full time as a woman shortly after that, when I understood why. Hindsight being 20/20, I realized that, since I was a teen, the feminine part of my persona was always bigger than I realized. Trying to hide that part of me was very uncomfortable as I tried to project an image of the “real” male that I was supposed to be. Many of my feelings, emotions and reactions were decidedly more feminine than masculine. Admitting to and accepting that fact made me realize that dressing was just my way of allowing the real me to escape the restrictions placed on me by being born a male. I was finally free to show the world my real self and needed to dress as a woman in order to do that.

    So I don’t wonder “why” any more. I’m just glad that can now experience life in a truly representative persona, one that I am finally comfortable with.

    Fiona

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